update of my private life for some inpatient people (man, didn't you enjoy my attempts to write poetry???damn....)

so, Arim, here is the update...

my life in Los Angeles....first things first! one of these days i gonna buy a digital camera and obifromsouthlondon, i will then post pics here - LA how I see it....
oh and it will be gorgeous...i am starting to connect and, wooops, as soon as i open up the good stuff is happening....found finally a decent, what am I saying, a GORGEOUS underground club that is actually open until 6 AM, you can smoke in one of those gorgeous beautiful rooms (with lots of art, posters, writings....) and in the main room (plus adjacent chill out rooms with a real piano in there yeha) you can only smoke pot.....'it comes with the culture', as an old rastafari explained to me.
I ate a whole cookie, chocolate chip i believe it was, thinking it contained Marihuana. *giggles* I am so dumb and naive, it s just unbelievable. i actually ate this cookie because i felt i want to get high. yeah. a cookie, finally, man, i really felt like i want to do this. and then all i got from it is some unnecessary additional calories. hahaha. yeah. thats Piranha life. i cannot and cannot escape those calories, no matter how hard i try (well i don't really try ....i admit.....but thats why i am being told all the time that my body is so gorgeous. hahaha. oh man.....MEN!!!)
the cool thing about this club is (and i am raving on and on about it in all my letters to my friends) that you don't know about it when you don't know about it. sounds logical, huh? the point is, however, that they don't advertise at all. just mouth to mouth propaganda.
and in my case, i HAVE to praise the childish curiosity and openess inside of me for this matter, I stopped because this girl was singing and playing guitar behind this fence....yeah. and i stopped, we talked and voila, there we went.....open mic night, me and my wife (yes, she is NOT really my wife and she is straight!) wanted to recite Jaques Prevert "je suis comme je suis..." (I am how I am...) in spoke word and guitar/singing but i got so shitfaced from my wife's whiskey and this rum punsch that a random sexy motherfucker bought for me that I actually threw up (well i made myself throw up) for the first time in my whole life. Man, seriously, i felt so SO BAD and sick, that i had to make myself spit this shit out.....i guess that all happened because, miraculously and very uncommonly i had forgotten to eat this day and thats why I got drunk so quickly...i mean, yeah, i am not a good drinker anyways, and honestly, i also don't really see the meaning and sense and cool thing about it, but matter of fact, i was bad off.

what i did was i called Sean (i wrote about him in one of my previous posts) later and asked him whether i could stay at his place. it was the freakin same day he had asked me per short message texting whether i would like to sleep with him, after weeks and weeks and weeks of flirting. luckily he couldn't help me, was working at nights (i can relate to that, am a night worker too) and so i ended up calling my wife, she didn't pick up her phone and Jean wasn't at home either and I was stuck on Hollywood Boulevard and figured that I just had to spend another night in one of those practice labs in my school....
somehow, however, i impulsively decided I d call Jayjay, the guy I had an affair with lately...he is this motherfucking sexy asshole who I met in Byrds the other night, when I was with my wife and her friends out there....

.for some reason, I had to watch their stuff while they went outside to smoke (yeah, in the US, dear German friends, we smoke OUTSIDE< yeah) I started to talk to those guys, you know, the typical LA type of guys "oh, you are musician? i can put you on a show like in two weeks" (me "yeah sure, how do you like it? doggy style? SM? tender and slow?....fuck that!!!") and one of them, a sexy African American DJ, introduces me to the owner of the bar, a rocking lady in her midforties or so, and after a few words ("i am from Berlin" -"this is the first bar I dig out here! it s cool!" i really thought so by the way) it turns out she loves FUNK as much as I do....so she puts on some FUNKY music and says over the mic that it is for me, 'piranha from berlin and her birthday!' well, haha, so be it, and she puts me up there in this cage thing where I had to dance. yiha!!! i was just swept away by the music, my wife took pics, they look HORRIBLE!!!hahaha, but it was great. i had so much fun, everybody was cheering in the bar and i got a couple of freedrinks....apparaently one LA chick down there in the crowd murmured to her friend, but my wife heard it, that she is a professional dancer and she d show me how it goes and shit, and when she went up there after me she just circled her ass around like some cheap late night sports stripping on German TV but I cheered for her anyways and she was quite puzzled as to the fact that i didn't view this as a competition....
anyways, when we had to leave that club (yeah, at two they close down...assholes...) I wound up talking to this motherfucking sexy asshole i was talking about earlier. this other guy, the DJ, had told me earlier that this guy is also a musician and shit, and so i start talking to him and we both just try to be the alpha animal in the game , as he put it later, acting all cool.....i asked him for a cigarette and he is like 'if you give me a kiss' and i refused and blablabla, somehow we start talking about portraits and that i would portray him for his studio if he likes and he says he draws too and would like to draw me and blabla, and later, i was talking to other guys

(oh yet another story! there was this nerdy type of boy, small, ugly and a genious kick ass drawer/painter/graphicist whose contact i wrote down, you know, business, you never know....and his friend comes up and says, yeah he is so kick ass, and it s so wonderful to give him kisses on his forehead, he is perfect for that (i guess he mean the size but whatever) and i said, well, i d prefer to kiss him on his mouth and then we kissed, and halleluja, he was a DAMN GREAT kisser! i mean, people, the outer appearance is so damn misleading at times....but anyways, that was a fun little episode inbetween....)

i saw he was about to leave and I walk up to him and say 'see, i don't give kisses for cigarettes, i give only unconditional kisses, and i d like to give you one'
so i kiss him on his cheek and he says, wow, can i have one more and i say yeah sure, whereever you want and he points on his mouth and i give him a kiss...and as he is trying to kiss him I say 'fuck, no, no kissing back, I am the kisser here, you gotta control yourself. no kissing back' so he does that and i say, cool, what about the drawing. you still wanna draw me?
he says yes sure, when?"
i say i don't know
he says now"
i say yeah why not
and we leave in a yellow cab.

my wife, of course, checked everything out before that, and as we say in German, fools, children and drunk say the truth and she was all the three of it so i didn't worry about her judgemental capabilities.
i know, i know, it sounds all so freakin stupid and naive, but matter of fact I DO rely on my intuition and it was all ok so far.
so we get to his little appartment somewhere on santa monica boulevard and i undress myself and pose on the bed and he really starts painting me. we are listening to Badu meanwhile and he knows all the lyrics and just goes crazy about them......truly appreciative ......he really concentrates hard, the painting is shitty but i don't say it, it is so cute how he concentrates and tries not to get hot and shit.....
later, when he is done, we just lie on his bed and talk about life, Badu, and suddenly start laughing as we realize that we both thought about each other 'what in the fuck does this chick/dude think she/he is? masks.....alpha animals..." the evening takes such an unexpected turn.....i talk about this wall i was experiencing the last weeks, i mean it s always been there but i sort of started tackeling that issue just lately, after my New York experience.....and i say, i cannot help it, but as you talk to me and we get closer in a matter of seconds, i feel how i rise it and i start fighting it and start crying over it, because thats what happens always when i try to tear that wall down (yeah, TEAR it down, hehe, nice word pun...) and so i cry in his arms and HE IS COOL ABOUT IT. no problem! and now, show me a guy who can actually take a girl crying! all men i know are paranoid about that....jesus......after hours, so it seems, he asks me suddenly whether he now can kiss me back and it is so much better, just as he said, and it is wonderful.....he stops and says, i think we shouldn't go down all the way....' i think we shouldn't.
man, i am impressed, haha, i mean, i haven't heard a guy say that often.......but then, in the end, love in the moment, and i believe it was true love in the moment because it was such a special moment, we are overwhelmed and let it happen anyways.......

so that is Jayjay....i was so crazy about him after that, that i really wanted to see him again, but the second time was shitty. it was good sex, no doubt, but he really pissed me off whith his attitude.....so i decided that i wouldn't call him again, regard it as one of those beautiful once in a lifetime experiences and concentrate on all those other boys and men i am dealing with in the moment (my little gipsy, Sean, my crush, Keita, my admirer, Luis, the loser....)
but as I was walking drunk on Hollywood Blvd I suddenly decided he would be the guy to call right then...so i did, he was totally cool, said he would come and meet me so we could take a cab home to his place....
so he did, and in the first moments he was really distant sort of, obviously he thought that i just needed a place to stay at so thats why i called him. at his house he said, go to sleep or whatever, i don't care. but then i explained him that i didn't really need a place to STAY but to BE. i could have easily stayed at my school done that before. ....but being there with him, was what i wanted, spontaneously....so we started talking again and he is talking about his life and his realizations these days and man, i could relate so well to all he said and the lovemaking was sweet and wonderful.
so i really don't know where this is going to lead me.....

because, obviously i am putting myself in a difficult situation...the next morning my gipsy called me (although I had told him that i need a break from hanging out with him....we really spent too much time the last week.....and i don't know, but when he said, one night as we were laying in the motor home innocently next to each other (yeah, we are so innocent it is not funny anymore, but i enjoy it SO much. and strangely enough I feel like a virgin with him...i feel like...man, i can't have sex with this guy because that eventually would be love making, and hell, yeah, i admit that i am scared of that like hell.....and funnily enough i have to admit and see that meeting him appear to be a repetitive act of life/destiny as to teach me sth that i don't yet get...he reminds me in many ways of my ex in Berlin that i had to break up with last winter.....except for my ex, man, we fit together like puzzles in a game, his body was strong enough for my body, it was so perfect and i miss that a lot....and his kisses so fucking breathtakingly amazing...with my gipsy it isn't that evidently matching...he is skinny....and not the best kisser of my life, but thats beside the point. he is a great and very important person in my life and matter of fact, right now i miss him TERRIBLY. aaargh) well, back to the story, when he said then 'i think i love you' - the next day, dear readers, i was RUNNING! my wife noticed that, she said, fuck Piranha, why don't you call your Gipsy, when i was drunk. Don't call Sean, did you see his hair it is DIRTY (well in fact he really has not the cleanest looking LOOOONG dreads), what are you running from????"
but hey, i have never said i don't run. in fact, i always say in advance that i am a runaway bride.
but the cool thing about my gipsy is, that he understands that. he lets me run. he lets me grow my garden, he understands that all those boys and men that play a role right now in my life are not a fruitsalad that i just eat, but that they are flowers in my garden...and that i need to take care of them in very special and different ways.....
of course he doesn't know that i have sex with Jay jay but man, thats a really unnecessary thing to tell a guy who was heartbroken at age 17, walking into his girlfriend having sex with a 40 year old dude!!!!!!


so this morning at Jayjay's place my gipsy calls me, ALTHOUGH i told him i was gone, that the 'whild child full of grace' as he calls me, is making me trouble.....but yeah, he calls anyways and minutes later Eddy, the guy who wrote me a loveletter after we had made out with each other (i had met him in a club and later i found out he has a girlfriend and told him to fuck off and fix things with his girlfriend)...he came back into my life because of that letter...we met a second time and just talked, it was awesome, he is a really really special person and then he gave me a kiss and said, thats to memorize me, and left for good. nwo it was my turn on saying that i couldn't take THAT and proposed that we d spend a night at this magic bay i know to REALLY have sth to memorize....a once in a lifetime thing.....after hick hack back and forth he called me a 'romantic visionary' and man, maybe we gonna do that! and i am really looking forward to it! and i do not right now care about his girlfriend...man, i REGRETTED to having let David from Zimbabwe go in Berlin. I ain't gonna do that no more! a special encounter can count and be valuable and right in its own terms, out of space and time, and i feel we can do that....i feel we can.....you know, guys, i think these days, that love, in a not concentrated form, is POLYGAM, whereas relationships always should be monogam....and how to find a balance within that, is everybodys very own business.....

see, what predicament i putmyself in....being at jayjays, having two ot those beautiful flowers in my garden call me.....the gardener is busy...yeah....


then yesterday and today i spend a lot of time with my gispy, after calming down a bit.....he is the only one i actually take home and spend a lot of my spare time with.....we listen to bob dylan and rage against the machine and joplin in his car that his cousins stole for him (bad bad!), he watches me sleep in his arms, takes me and my brother to the beach and just sits there and plays the guitar while we are swimming.....and we talk and hold hands and kiss each other....and i miss him so much right now.....
and i am trying to figure out what i wanna do about Sean.....thats very strange now, he doesn't answer my text messages and maybe thats better anyways....i wanted to have mindsex with Sean in the first place...and he seems to not get that.......whatever...life is a rollercoster when you jump into it and thats where i am right now: IN THE BIG BIG LOOP

the child in us, oh be protected...a letter to my dear friend Arim

my dear dear Arim

oh my love...how much i wish i could have been with you and talk to
you about it face to face...if you feel you have to meet him (explanation:
a real touch and tender (t&t) German guy, incredible kisser, nice and slow,
but doing hard drugs....my dear Arim is still in Berlin, yeah!), go for
it, but don't please don't, for gods sake make him think you could
help him out there. you can't . please learn from me in this case, i
have been through a five year sad tragedy with pedro and i know what i
am talking about. the only way how those poeple can get out of there
is when their friends and family turn away from them and they keep
encountering people who turn away and say what you said before you
left maria. i think that was great.
i hope you keep yourself together and remember you roots. thats
tremdendously important. remember how you used to be quite religious
and the hiking trips? thats all still in yhou. thats why people who
are fucked up are attracted to you. they are attracted to me, to j,
(my sister), anybody who is goodhearted and open and tolerant, curious
as a child. mira, you are a child, too. i am a child, you are a child,
we are children. don't you forget that. we are gods children. foremost
and for all, but then we are also just like children. we can sit on a
sidewalk on a sunny eastern morning, fresh but nice air, and clap
hands and giggle. we didn't take drugs that night, i hope you
didn't...and still we had fun. see, thats the child in u s. we can do
it, and believe me arim, out here more than ever i realize, that this
is not the normal. thats not the norm. not many people can be like
that. you have these big eyes, this sweet voice, this good heart, you
listen, you are shy but so flexible. people want to make love to you.
you bring the good out in them. they want to touch you, get sth from
what they think is so angelic and good in  you. you did drugs, but you
are not hardcore and hopefully you are not into it (i pray, pray and
pray! No E no more, mira, thats fucked up and stupid. it messes up
your brain! it does! my little gipsy here has been through all the
shit, and man, he knows enough about drugs to scare the shit out of
you! there is no drug that doesn't harm you. the bad thing is, it also
messes up your mind and soul. the genuinity of it. the purity. i know,
me too, i wanted to go through the dirt and mess. there is nothing
wrong but don't forget your roots.

i gotta go right now, i ll write more later...my brother in law needs
his computer.
i love you arim, don't you forget that. i hope to hear from you soon

much much love and smiles

your little piranha, using her teeth every now and then ;-)

upside down

he gave me all of the sudden a passionate hug, embraced me with a force i hadn't expected from him. what, if intelligence chains you always and separates you from the living energy?
he kissed me on my cheeks, my neck, gave me his number, all this after weeks and weeks of flirting, hating, runnning away and waiting.
do you want to sleep with me?
i want to be wide awake, sean, i want to see! i want to live what dead prez tried to say with mind sex, break free!
he waited for so long with that and meanwhile the wild child was flying. like a butterfly from one flower to the other, enjoying life and suffering from foggy clouds of confusion
worlds within second turned upside down
my heart was racing and in the same time i was wondering what it means to be a clown
a mask that plays all that you fear a mask that makes you capable to bear
the confusion of love profusion
words came easily when i was talking to you in my mind
once with you i felt ignorant and blind
see i am scared so scared to bind
myself to things, to be intertwined

making love, just for the love of it?
i know somebody who can admit
of loving me and respecting me
letting me free
the gipsy talking....

i told him, my gipsy that i need to be on my own
then Keita called and said that i need to focus to be shown
the overwhelming moving power of creativity within
he sees the talent in me, says it s not a sin

then my world crumbled turned 360 degree
oh sean, i don't know whether it d be a good idea
to give in to this game we played, you see,
what does it really mean to be without fear........

meanwhile all this happened in act one
i was busy making plans to meet up with eddy
give beauty a chance and live for one night,
create a moment of eternal value
make a dream happen instead of dreaming
and now, now i feel so upside down


cater pillars, before they become butterflies, become cocoons, hanging upside down from a plant
i can't wait, people, world, life, i can't wait
until
comes the day
i cross the burning water
stop being an island
transform
into
this butterfly i was seeing the other sweet sunny morning
when i was all on my own
in a vision that comforted me
and dried my tears
and stilled my longing

say i love you

say i love you
and i ll run
horizons opening up
i say it s fun

i know i know,
i ll never reach
the line
i know i know
i am lying
and i am not fine

one point
implosion
forces i fear break free
concentration
is always charged
with a very high fee

say i love you
try to tame me
chains are lose
but not cut free

freedom is just another word
for being scared
eternal flirt

wild child full of grace

she shakes and shivers the cold breeze slings its arms around her soul and her breathe is silver like smoke of a holy fire.

wild child full of grace

she rests, like a child, fetal position, sun shining on her dried face. once she was a searcher, a warrior but that is not anymore.

wild child full of grace

slowly dancing along the thin red line between dark and light. release what is not free in me, move what is stagnated, rusty, unflexible.

wild child full of grace

like a butterfly she escapes the cold, comes into the sun, dries and unfolds her wings, one split of a second here the next she is already there, sometimes resting on a flower, admiring the beauty, inhaling the sacred smell, touching, caressing, tenderly kissing the leaves and leaves. leaves to another place, in her own pace, you cannot tame what is not wild, you cannot tame what is so fragile, butterfly just evaporates into the eternity of circulating life, ceasing, ressurrecting, being, leaving.....wild child full of grace is graceful for life, wild child full of grace has so much grace to give, overflowing with love for you, for the whole madow,

wild child full of grace

let me be your lover world, let me be your lover.

i don't want to be
disconnected
i risk the pain
the hatred
the disappointment
the grief
the wounds
the tears
i risk the joy
the bliss
the true love in the moment
the hapiness
the satisfaction
the success

of a wild child full of grace
of a lover
who loves this world
with all devotion
that you said

i was missing......

you ve got to know....what you have to know...

One thing that is very specific about me is, that i refuse to think that there is anything really really bad out there. everything happens for a reason, everything can be transformed into something else.

metamorphose...

it doesn't mean that i won't be passionate about things i think are bad. i will fight them, but i will be cool. i will cry, lose it, be furious, all the works, but in the end i still won't think that there is really such a thing as evil and pure bad. if you know what i mean. i refuse to, and i well know that i might be wrong, but i simply can't help it.

on a personal level i don't think, for example that it is undesirable or bad when i am feeling down. damn, when i am freakin feeling down i want to FEEL DOWN! there is NOTHING WRONG with that! right? nothing. just let me be fucking down. down down down. don't talk to me, don't try to freakin explain me the world, i know how things seem to work, why i shouldn't be sad, all that. fuck that!

my wife, Klodia, came. looked at me. took her earphones, put them in my head. some good minimal techno. aaaah. come on, she said, lets go and play. we went up, switched the light off and improvised for 45 mintues. she on the piano (a goddess!!!) and me on the flute/singing.

the gipsy sat there, enjoying it. later, in awe, he admitted it never happened to him before, that he couldn't help someone who is down with his words. damn, gipsy, all that you said...these were my lines! i know them ! aaah.
and i know they don't help.

my wife is just the best. she knows how to help me. i am happy she is out here. what would i do here without her. without her....damn...thanks god, thanks god for that.......


so the conclusion of all this is, you ve got to know what you have to know...the only thing you have to know is who can bring you up again when you are down. and there is nothing wrong with being down but with indulging in it for too long.....

the best friend

many people like to believe that they are my best friend.
matter of fact, it s been quite a while ever since i have abandoned the idea of one best friend. truth is, that everybody needs somebody near to their heart but nobody ever said that it has to be the one and same person for ever and ever. I also don't think that one friend is somehow better than the other but merely different.

and in diversity lies the beauty of this world.

it's amazing, however, how again and again i come across this idea that i most certainly will become or be or am the best friend of somebody....so told me my gipsy today in the morning when i asked him concerned whether i was talking too much 'no, i enjoy that and you seem to quickly one of my best friends.....'
well, i am willing, my dear, to be the best friend you ever had, as long as you don't expect me to stick to that label. i don't like sticky labels.
to be more specific..i hate them......

a best friend. a best friend....
well, let me tell you now of the person who is close to my heart here in hollywood. her name is klodetta and her nickname is 'my wife' because one day we decided that we should get married in Las Vegas.
the gorgeous thing about her is, that she is not only fun in herself and all about drinking, smoking and party and men, but she is also one of the best piano players i have ever heard in my life and that is a very crucial part for our friendship. this way we get to improvise together on the flute and piano and that is what helped me out of my crisis yesterday. i cried and sobbed and couldn't stop. no talking helped. nothing. but her playing.....
so she is what i d call a best friend

aaah. i am too tired now. number five turned up here, just coming from the airport, we met in his car, had a great conversation and some hot kisses all over and i was so freakin turned on but he left to leave us something to dream about.

fine. so i go now and dream. argh. argh argh.

open the fucking box dammit

i came here to freakin open that box.
and now i am sitting here, wondering whether there was ever a box in the first place, and even more scary: if so, whether there was ever something in it.

when i was a child, a teenager until 17 maybe....i was very much how i think i am. myself. daring, opening up......and the older i get the more difficult it seems to be.

i am very good in flirting and socialising, but on stage i freakin suck. and i know, i thought i KNEW that i DON't! I thought that i have something to give! where has this feeling gone? when i was 13, i had the urgent feeling that I DO HAVE a lot to say, give and show.

and now i am all so insecure about it, don't dare it, hate myself, the way i am. i hate this box and i hate not knowing whether it is a placebo box or serious issues...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh?!!!!!

how,
tell me,
HOW can i get back in touch with myself?????????

dadam

klodetta.
my wife
future
i am drunk a little
she has a bad influence on me
but i asked her today to marry me
i broke a rose
a real one
rose
and smelling like paradise
and i asked her to go up to vermont

with me...

and my gypsie called me
and said he needs help
and he doesnt want me to smoke

and it is a beautiful night
life improvisation and covering
the guys rock
i sing
and my voice

is

beautiful


just now


and tonight



and the only reality we will ever really have
is the moment


the beauty

BEAUTY

of the moment

multitasking and why i can't wait to be 30 years old

Instead of worrying and growing myself grey hair about such indecent a problem like mine right now i decided to stick with what we are supposedly bestest at: multitasking.
Yes, it is a drag when you don't fall in love with one definite person but hey, don't fucking complain about having to choose and having too many guys who are actually all very good looking, interesting and gorgeous who want to date you....you know what i mean? you don't do that. there are too many singles out there who would wish for that sort a predicament....

Now that is how it goes:
one for holding hands, letting things grow in the silence we enjoy together, feeling so much like it is no coincidence that we met ...
one for having deep conversations with, energetizing conversations and hugs and to play/jam guitar with
one for being unhappy and tragically in love and flirting on a very intellectual challenging level...
one for feeling physical chemistry happening, a sensual and tender and loving person
one to try to get me
one to make love to. or practice so.

that is multitasking at its best.
when number one, two and three AND four happen to be in the same spot at the same time it becomes difficult though. Discrecy which is the most important thing here to maintain is almost impossible then.

- I disappeared to the 'restroom' and never came back -

*laughs*

oh world...thats fucked up

and i love it
and it confuses me
and i seriously don't know what i want to do
yeah, these are the months, maybe years of confusion
and this is exactly why i can't wait until i am 30...
fuck early twenties. fuck them

------------------------------------------------

by the way, something wonderful to share with you guys out there: my teenage love who went down the drain with drugs, got schizophrenic and shit, is totallky clean now! he became vegan, even doesn't smoke cigarettes no more and basically meditates like 4 hours a day and woha, sounds like a holy person to me.....i guess, people have to go from one extreme to the other in order to balance things out.
but i am so incredibly happy for him. i hope it lasts
i ve prayed for Pedro so many nights and i have shed to many tears and written so many letters, poems and songs. for him. he is always in my heart and always subject of my secret wishes i can make when i blow out my birthday candles or other occasions like that.

mute

evening sky...i dive in, refreshing feeling. a candle, red wine....dazzling music, makes my heart beat faster...
love breathe in, breathe out.
it is all out there.
magic happens every day if we allow it to happen.
why can't i get hold of sean?
everybody tells me the Gypsie boy looks so great next to me...we together...we are just holding hands, like 15 year olds, it is catching up with what i didn't have enough back then...
hands...
family....
two of my cousins from Alaska are here.
it s amazing how much alike we are in a way and how quickly we can connect.
its family

i stare into the evening sky and i feel like singing
but i am mute

'do you know what your problem is?'

well, hum, yes, no, i tried to find out, yeah, even here, you witnessed it, trying to dig out some shit out of the dark, just to see how it would be whitherin, whining and shivering in the light and maybe transform or evaporate.
but my problem?
well, hell, tell!

your problem is you need devotion to something bigger, greater than anything in life.

dang. yeah. hell yeah, i guess thats what i am looking for ever since i am a kid. at times i thought i knew right now i feel like i have abandoned everything i was clinging to earlier. clear ship as we use to say in German. and lost as to know what it is that i actually want.

i almost started crying, unexpectedly. i was really surprised by that, that sort of reaction was really the least i thought i would have to that stupid a statement. but the way he said it and also who it said just poked me right into the heart...Keita just sees right through me. He sees my wall. When I said that i feel that we have a connection he shook his head and said slowly 'no i don't think so'
just imagine that. you just have a gorgeous deep conversation with somebody, you feel chemistry happen, magic, energy....and then you confess you feel that there is a connection and the person in question just says 'no'.
then he said 'there is this wall Piranha. i can't get through. it s hard...'
i was puzzled. everybody who knows me up there in MI would say the opposite. they would all say that i am one of the most open, extrovertive, gorgeous, accessible person on campus or shit like that. they are all dazzled by how openminded and people loving and flirtative i am.
but keita just cuts right through. damn.

later this evening i was sitting in the first beautiful restaurant that i have found here on Hollywood boulevard. a French copy....My wife (a joke, yes) and me had applepie, espresso and a cigarette. danny calls up, my wife gives permission for him to come, we talk, she leaves and we stay.

it gets dark. colder, a candle.
we talk, again, a wonderful conversation. he is number four of the four guys (well by now i guess already five) who want to date me....or something like that..... a beautiful person, ah.

'do you know what your problem is?'

dang. haven't i heard that already sometime today? keita. I laugh. tell me.
you have to be cautious. i am afraid that you destroy yourself. don't smoke. i am afraid because you are such a magnificent person and you are so trustful. that is beautiful but there is bad out there. please be careful. if not for you, for my sake...

this got me into explaining my whole life philosophy and how i can back it up with my experiences i had so far and that he doesn't need to worry because i am being cautious and i am not taking the good for granted and i feel prepared to fight if needed and i don't mind the bad.(that was the short version)
so we kept on talking, being silent, touching each others hands, looking at each other, smiling, wondering,

'strange, isn't it?' he asked
indeed.
all those feelings....where they come from? i don't know...
probably by just letting them be.....allowing them to be there, to grow......he is a gypsie...that is my safety belt. i feel i can open up to him because he won't mind that i am not a cage bird....

'i am so glad i met you again! i am sure we meet somewhere before...it was strong and beautiful...'

i look at him and i feel how i rise the wall inside. i always do it the same way. i look straight into the persons eyes, open, challening, smiling, straight forward but strong. thats the point. i am not escaping or shit, but confronting in a smilling way. i put out there a wall of energy that protects me, nobody can fucking access that space that i create by that.
i feel how it is rising. i look straight into his eyes. i smile.
and then keita crosses my mind.
the wall.
i lose eyecontact. i look away and try to pull and tear it all down. the wall rises up again. i tear it back down. it rises up again. i think 'shit, the wall, i don't want the wall to fucking rise again, there is no reason for it to be there, just don't let it happen again...'
tear down
rise up
tear down
tear
tears are rolling down my face. i can't help it. i can't help it.


damn, what a fucking emotional rollercoster today. how comes they suddenly see all through me....and touch me....


when i saw jean i had to give her a hug, tell her, damn i cried...i can't believe it.....
she looks at me with this sweet smile and says: honey, will you get your period tomorrow or something?
dang!
it s my last day....

so now what does that mean

french rap take me home, to a place i do belong, french rap...

listening to Mystik, an African/French rapper on the steps of our little welfare appartment in the midst of the worst place to live at in white nice Santa Monica, that is, next to the head of the gang of these blocks, (well maybe it s better to live next to the head then not to....;-) takes me home with one sweep, home in the broader sense of western europe, my past....

french is such a wonderful language...especially with an African accent ;-)

the sun rises over the houses and tells me i am late. i think of my life and see things i never thought i would see.
me filming (well, i am not infected by the hollyweird virus, i have actually always known that when i am forty i will make a movie but still, it is not my plan to film in the near future...) stuff about social issues in europe and everywhere.

me travelling around, getting to know the people of this world and loving them

i truly truyl love human beings, with all their flaws and in their beauty. children....ah.

french rap, take me home, to a place i do belong, over the oceans and continents to Marseille, to Lyon, to Bordeaux, to nantes, Rennes, to Paris, finally and let me dance in the street, barefeet and dedicated.....

french rap take me home, to a place i do belong, french rap...

listening to Mystik, an African/French rapper on the steps of our little welfare appartment in the midst of the worst place to live at in white nice Santa Monica, that is, next to the head of the gang of these blocks, (well maybe it s better to live next to the head then not to....;-) takes me home with one sweep, home in the broader sense of western europe, my past....

french is such a wonderful language...especially with an African accent ;-)

the sun rises over the houses and tells me i am late. i think of my life and see things i never thought i would see.
me filming (well, i am not infected by the hollyweird virus, i have actually always known that when i am forty i will make a movie but still, it is not my plan to film in the near future...) stuff about social issues in europe and everywhere.

me travelling around, getting to know the people of this world and loving them

i truly truyl love human beings, with all their flaws and in their beauty. children....ah.

french rap, take me home, to a place i do belong, over the oceans and continents to Marseille, to Lyon, to Bordeaux, to nantes, Rennes, to Paris, finally and let me dance in the street, barefeet and dedicated.....

maverick, loner

One thing I have realized pretty soon in my young life, is that I am a social maverick/loner. I love and need company and to entertain or listen to people but that doesn't change anything about me being a maverick.

I think I started wondering about that in class when i was about 11 or 12 years old. I remember standing in the doorway, observing the four 'hot chicas' of my class giggeling and chatting at the window. Standing there I realized that although I would love to be like them there was no way I couldn't. It's just not my thing.
Going together to downtown is another example. It's not that I didn't want to, but I couldn't STAND going shopping with lots of girls because they seem to assume automatically that once we are out together we have to stick together like glue. However, as decision making is so difficult with lots of girls you wound up discussing first for hours before something happens...

not with me!

I love:
-going to cinema, alone. No problem with that.
-going to a club/bar alone. I don't need you to hold my hand while dancing! in a bar it can happen that I feel lonely being alone, but generally i enjoy just sitting there, watching people and actuall i have to admit that i always find people to talk to and have fun with.....
-walk through streets, alone. I love that. It s sort of a self-finding process ;-), I sometimes just walk away from a bulk of my friends when I feel I am not doing what I want to do and just walk somewhere...and usually I find what i Need on the way...like the saxophon player under the bridge the other night, who happened to have a flute and we started jaming.....wow.....beauty everywhere
-hang out with a homeless and jam with him on his guitar rather than hanging out with a group of people/friends when they just want to get drunk and talk nonesense

the list could go on.
yesterday night (well the night that just has passed) I slept in my school in one of the practice labs. on the floor, with my scarf as a blanket and no, i do have friends close by I could have slept at but I didn't want to.....ahhh, what a good sleep I had. I found myself, however, calling desperately friends in Germany (successless, fuck timedifferences!)....the maverick needed some social contact.....of the sort i can't have here in fucking LA



Sean, by the way, is the same way. which makes him interesting in the first place, and difficult to grasp, in the second place.

god bless the queen. ahm, save?

damn. a love letter.

i just have to share that. my brother in law just came in and gave me a folded paper and a business card and said 'i found this in the camper, from a lover or so'

the folded paper, a bit dirty, just looked like one of those papers in my pockets that wound up there for weeks and weeks until i finally throw them away. so i was really surprised to actually realize that this paper indeed was a love letter not from me and not from my pockets but placed there by a strangers hand....ths camper is always open so this guy must have come back and put it there for me.....wow.

damn. i am excited! i think i've never actually received a real handwritten love letter except for the little note that Pedro send me during class back in 1997 asking me whether i love him too. my answer was a two page letter explaining that i do love him but can't be with him, in a very desperate way and he never read the letter. so all i can say here is, how miserable that may sound, i really haven't received any real loveletter ever in my life but i have written tons of them. there is a little imbalance here, right?

so here is the beauitful that just adds to my profound confusion i am in these days:

Dear Piranha,
I hope that this finds you in good health and company...I know that I was not permitted by you to ever see you again, but since the night we spent together has passed I have not been able to get my mind off you...All I can really say is that being in a motorhouse never felt so comfortable...Every once in a while I can hear you tell me where to kiss you...God, you're beautiful...I must ask you to dinner...maybe we can get to know each other on different terms...
E.

it's not long, but sweet. He was one of the two guys i mentioned in my previous post....and he has, of course, a girlfriend, what a mess.
but that sounds like something...i didn't expect this at all because i was giving him shit when he left, saying that he better fix things with his girlfriend, i guess i had a bad conscience that i didn't stay true to my principles of not making out with anybody being in a relationship. argh. well, so here we go...he was really nice, in fact the only guy in the whole club who i actually liked...but how is that song from Anastacia? "CAN'T GET U OUT OF MY HEAD..." that counts for Sean....

daddy's girl

I said Sean fits quite well into the pattern I;ve always fallen for. The scary thing is, he not only fulfils one category but three in the same time. Go figure.
as in my previous post i will copy here sth i wrote in a mail to my dear New Yorker friend because I feel like I was able to clearly see things while writing him....

you know what the problem with parents is? that no matter how they are, whether or not they are, it will always have a huge impact on your relationship-life.

and for girls of course their daddy plays an important role. and the way the mom handles guys and relationships.
i figured, that if your dad is too cool and too good it isn't that good either. read why.....

"pattern? hm yes. definetely something that dates back
to my childhood/parent thing. my dad is my best friend
and advisor and challenger in intellectual/spiritual
terms. his and my moms realtionship is based on a
spiritual/emotional connection first and then secondly
the physical part. i love and worship my dad very
much, sometimes i am worried by the fact that i always
need his consent when i am doing something. i am
really good in explaining and proving him that what i
do is actually the right thing to do and even though i
still would go for what i really want i would still
ask him just to know his opinion. for example, when i
was in a dire state of confusion when i had to decide
whether or not i should be together with Jasper, my ex
in berlin i was crying on the phone talking to my dad
explaining him that i am so confused and don't know
whether piranha actually can have a 'normal'
boyfriend and stuff and stuff....
after three daughters my dad must be trained in being
a good dad i guess. he just said 'piranha, just
allow yourself this emotional chaos'
i went for Jasper.
when i decided to break up with him i explained my dad
why and he understood immidiately and said 'see,
piranha, the relationship universe demands
sacrifice...your spirit however, seems to embrace the
future and the infinte possibilities of exploring the
universe out there and so you have the need to be free
from emotional bondage and go out there.....so you
have to follow that, there is no problem whatsoever
with that. nothing wrong about it. go and explore the
world first if you feel you need to do so.'

see, my dad is my number one reference for me and
sometimes i am worried whether i will ever be able to
find a guy who can live up to my dad. thats a very
common predicament i guess and i have had crushes on
people who are very much the contrary of my dad but i
would never seriously consider being with them for a
lifetime.
and thats why i am drawn towards Sean as opposed to
Keita and Luis, who are both really nice persons,
Keita would be a very very good and loving and caring
boyfriend, but he admires me too much. you know? i
need appreciation from a critical mind to feel
approved and good and seen, not the admirration of a
seeking mind. luis is very nice, we have chemistry and
shit, but he is boring. he actually has interesting
things to say but he smokes too much pot, i would be
bored so easily. i could use him for emotional lay
backedness you know, snuggeling up, kissing, making
love.....maybe ... ;-) but i would freak out thinking
to commit myself to any of them
i don't need a goody goody boyfriend. i am attracted
by Sean because he is hell of intelligent, sarcastic
at times, interesting to talk to.....and a challenge.
and probably the grant that i will be tragically in
love like always.

this is yet another pattern i guess. i always fall in
love with people i somehow know are too far away to
restrict me but interesting enough to give me the sense of tragedy
. pedro - drugs took him far away from me.
long live tragedy and tears late at night.
Nikki - lived in Austria, 10 hours train far away.
Jerome - lived 7 hours away by train, was 15 years
older and having lots of other girls. tragedy and
drama inclusive.
jasper - was too close. i quit. he was the first
boyfriend i had who actually treated me like a queen.
and i couldn't take it. wtf?
L.A. Williams. 15 years older, in love with this lady
from Switzerland, busy DJ, not available. yeah!
and now Sean, who is there at the cafe i hang out at
school, but busy with his company, not so easy to
approach, drawn to me and in the same time avoiding
me, challenging, critical, sense of adventure, but he
is also so far away. it is sort of a safety feature i
guess.

so i guess the pattern consists mainly of my dadthing,
that i am attracted by intellectual challenge and not
so much in the first place by physicalities (although
hugging Sean makes me feel very weak...but in fact, i
ahve more chemistry with luis and keita than with him!
and he seems to be very clumsy in a way.....) and the
safety feature thing, that he is actually not
available and far away. yeah and maybe this touch of
drama and tragedy too.....

so here we go.............he said he don't talk to me
anymore so much because he doesn't want to get into
trouble. when i asked him what kind of trouble he said
'german trouble'. stupid me didn't follow up on that
but it was a statement. so i guess i am happily
unhappy in love. or so......not that it could be
compared to what i felt with david from Zimbabwe. that
was a stroke out from the blue and i was actually
ready to do anything and change everything only for
him. god thanks he was in a relationship......"


you all know i wasn't really happy he was in a relationship but seeing as my life as it is right now it is clear, that a serious commitment would have cut my way severly. and maybe not in the best way....*sigh* (fuck you all 'i want the best for you"fuckers!)

insights: LOVE MAKING vs. HAVING SEX

sometimes writing somebody has a very liberating effect. as you try to explain something to somebody and you genuinly try to make a sense out of what you are feeling, thinking, saying, you suddenly realize yourself things that you wouldn't have realized in a mere stat of self-reflection.
this is what i discovered today while writing my New Yorker guy (the one i stayed with but didn't make out with in the end although we got so close on an emotional and spiritual/intellectual level)

ps. i am worried most though by the fact that i had
sex twice here in LA with two different guys and both
times it was sex. i guess i shouldn't feel bad about
it and see it as a necessary step to tackle my fears
in the first place and practice a little, but the
bigger challenge is that love making. i think i am
most of all afraid of that. maybe i am afraid of
losing all my walls and breaking down and just cry and
cry and cry. that wouldn't be too good either, would
it. maybe i am dramatizing that right now, maybe i am
over analyzing, but it just crossed my mind like that.
i am very much afraid and fragile and vulnerable when
it comes to love making. and this was, by the way a
prime reason for me not to sleep with you because we
were so close on a emotional and spiritual level. i
can handle sex, you know, never see the guy again, i
don't need the security and trust of him caring for me
later on too, because i have learned to stand on my
own feet and get along in this world alone. but when i
make love i need to know the guy won't let me down.
and that i actually do want to be with him.
when it comes down to sex chemistry is extremely
important and i actually do enjoy sex and exploring
myself in that. i couldn't have sex with random
people, thats for sure. just for the fun of it....but
when there is a time that i feel i can and want to go
for it i will....
but i am aware of the fact that i can't do that for a
very long time because at one point i will have to
fucking tackle my fears about love
making.............to close the gap and discrepancy
between my sex and love life....
anyways, those were just second thoughts....

love

piranha

you decide

you decide.
I will post here stuff that happened between me and Sean and you guys decide what it means. I am confused. He seemed to like me but then I wasn't sure and I am so freaking confused. Don't know whether i should make a move or leave it be.....So if you want to help a sister out here, any comments are very much welcome! (no, i am not a comment whore! it s just that right now I could use a critical, unconcerned mind very well to clear the smokes in my head)(man i hope i didn't say anything stupid. that happens often to me these days that i say sth and i think it means something in English but it happens to be just a whack translation of a German proverb...)

1. S. gives me a handmassage and is all in awe about how smooth my hand is, how unusual for a guitarist ('what? i don't play the guitar with my palms, darling!') and how much it excites him and that he has to leave now because otherwise he will get in trouble.

2. We hug each other to say good bye and I mention that you need like 8 hugs per day to feel loved (Jane said so) and he is like '8 orgasms' i say 'no, hugs are so much easier to get and give' he 'orgasms are easy to give, too, especially for girls. well, okay, you might be right, for guys it could be easier to give hugs, but not for all of us, some of us got skills, you know!' me (laughing) 'yeah, go ahead, why don't you put a shirt on that says 'i got skills' or sth like that to advertise yourself?'
he 'like you' me 'what?' he 'yeah, i couldn't help staring at your cleavage the whole day!' me *confused* i didn't know what to say except for 'you even didn't see me the whole day' what made him say 'i am only kiddin' yeah.

he is muslim. maybe i should have answered, yeah, should i were a veil or what? but luckily i didn't. he is not radical anyways, he didn't really follow his ramadan rules anyways.

2a. we are talking about the German poem that i promised him to teach him how to pronounce and i say to him 'but you have to sit down with me then, if you want to do that and not run away like always!' whereas he says 'oh i wouldn't mind lying down for that matter!...' and shit like that.


3. talking about las vegas. me, out of the blue, no clue why i said that 'can i marry you in Las Vegas?' he looked at me with this kind of 'are you kiddin get the hell out of here' look and said with a freaked out voice 'no, not with me, no marrying with me or that like!!!!'

oh i was joking.....calm down already!

3a. we are all hanging out at the green room and i get mad at him for some reason and he tries to make it up to me and calm me down, feels good actually when somebody tries to do that ;-) and later he says 'oh yeah, you are allright piranha, you chill. you are a good person'
yah. whatever

4. I touched a snake that somebody wore around his neck and Sean explains me i have to wash my hands because of salmonelles or what they are called like in English, before i touch me or especially him. Me "well i didn't want to touch you in the first place' but then i said 'oh no, actually i have to hold myself back all the time not to touch you'. when i said that he came over to me, really close and said 'are you being sarcastic?' after which i said 'no, actually that happens to me often that people think i am joking when i am actually being serious and honest! so i am being honest about that!' when i said that he looked at me with this killersmile and said 'i know, i believe you!' and i left......fucking coward that i am.
argh

5. me 'sean, i miss you, you don't talk to me anymore', he 'that because i want to stay out of trouble/don't want to get into trouble' i looked at him naively and asked 'what kind of trouble?' because i really wanted to know! and he just said 'German trouble', obviously he wanted to stress the fact that i would be subject matter of that kind of trouble.

the interpretations of that range from 'he s got a girl' (which would fit perfectly in the 'piranha-falls-always-for-that-sort-of-guys'pattern) to 'he is afraid of falling in love with you. bullshit.

6. i give him a goodbye hug and this time i make sure it is a good hug. he immediately goes like ' mmmmh, whats that, wow, you give nice hugs' stupid me just says 'i know'
aaargh. argh.

7. i ask him sth where i can buy what and shit and suddenly he gives me a really nice goodbye hug (that was shortly after #6 so maybe he got the taste now) and kiss on my neck. what in the f? i left, like that, puzzled, weak inside, i guess just running away yet another time. i could have said sth, no let him go, keep hugging him or whatever, but i left. I left! sick me. I always think he is in a hurry to somewhere but he actually hangs out a lot! I deserve that he spends time with me, I don't have to worry about him running to whereever he has to go! i can demand to be treated nicely. but i don't . i run instead.

it makes me sad and it fucking killed all my plans to give luis a shot. but it was luis who invited me to dinner tonight. and luis who gave me a nice hand massage and a loooong hug. and it was sean i was thinking about then. fuck you sean. fuck me... i mean. love me. i want to make love not fuck. fuck.

confusion

so many things to say.

when i felt love like a lightening striking me in the middle of the night and in the middle of nowhere i cried and laughed and cried and lived.
it wasn't easy, as you all know, but it felt really so much more handable (is that a word?) than from what is happening now.
there are really really nice guys and boys out there, no doubts! and thats the problem, i could start liking a few of them.
but love?
and isn't that ecactly what i actually want?
it is difficult to come to a new city in a new country from one of the most gorgeous cities on earth and from the most severe lovestruck that ever happened to the recent me.

*sighs*

so there i name the gorgeous persons: Sean (first of all), Ben, Keita, Luis.

I figured yesterday night after a wild time out with my wife klodetta (we want to marry in Las Vegas, and yes, it is a joke) in HOllyweird (yeah close them bars down at 1 o clock in the morning!!!) that all i feel here is peanuts compared with what i felt for david.
i still cry sometimes when I am PMSing when i think about him and how much i long to feel like this for somebody and actually live that energy....
so as long as i don't have other problems i guess i just have to take my peanuts for the coconuts they falsely appear to be and deal with them anyways.