deep melancholy engulfs my soul like giant wings of the queen of dark embracing my heart...
i dive deep down into the abyss of my own nightmares, my melancholy, my sad.
i let myself sink without regarding the multitude of pain and suffering that surrounds me every day.
only for now let me be smaller than small and petty.
let me be in a nutshell and cry a river, that will join the deep of the oceans one day.
where the music plays at the bottom of the sea.
with a whispering
with a whispering
with a whispering
of sounds.

dark

Oh gosh how I miss you and your dark words, always at the edge and up to date what was happening in the most obscurest trends of music....
Oh gosh how I miss you. And I can't call you or talk to you or write you or find out about you. Because we have gone past that point. We talked on the phone and agreed that it would be best to dive away. Into the vast ocean of oblivion, following each our own paths, winding into obscurity...
Gosh. How I miss how you loved me. How you looked at me. How you stood in this world, broken yet so strong and courageous. Hiding, at times, then rising up again.
I loved you so.
I loved you so.

Tonight I am sitting on the boardwalk somewhere in Berlin. Pieces of music waft through the air....I fall asleep...ebb in and out. Completely exhausted from work. So tired. And I don't know, where I am headed, and I don't know, where to go.
I miss the moments of silence in which we both just knew.

intrinsicately
i wave threads through a golden loom
i have no qualms about all those moments that fell off my shoulders like a neglige
you hesitate because yet again you were smarter than I
because my longings tear me apart and blind me like the fresh morning sun
so i run through the nights
it is still dark most of the time
and i hear the flaming sounds emerging from his lips into the starlit night sky.
i smell the blossoming
i feel the spring
my chest is floating
limbo
i am lingering in the middle fields of sorrow
playing my cards as best i can
as time drops off my hips like
dew escapes your eyes
early one morning....

just as the sun was rising.

what new chapter, please!`?

melancholy washes over me. good ol' friend, you.
blue!
so i listen to the band. and i try to amuse myself. eat a cookie or ten. and pity myself.
this is nothing compared to the depths of ocean wide blueness i have witnessed before.
but you just took the light from my eyes. took away the light summer breeze, that was refreshing my heart. now we put all the cards on the table but we also can t play no more. i might have had some good cards to deal up my sleeve but no, you wanted it all clear and right.
well, there, you can have em.

i m tired. my eyes hurt. i think i gotta go back to work now.

the bright side of the moon

Folks, it is summer time in Berlin. I start to appreciate the glory inherent to stark seasonal differences. As hard as it was to drag myself through the wintertime and the last soul-wrenching gray days in the city, I enjoy the sun, the mild fresh wind and my naturally exploding enthusiasm about all that, enormously.

I remembered today, that he lit an incense as i was lying on his bed trying to recover from a stomach ache that I assume was due to my being so nervous to actually do the language tandem with him. He asked me, if I was okay with incenses as he brought me tea to the bed, putting up pillows for me to be more comfortable. Then he showed me pictures of his family and offered me strawberries.

Life couldn't be any better... They say anticipation of happiness or death is respectively the best or the worst feeling, but I really don't care about anything like that. Who cares, if it won't evolve into something I secretly hope for! I sure as hell will enjoy this spring of my life.

Aloha!

dawn

it's dawning
birds are singing
breathing this fresh air foreboding spring time is like drinking a very refreshing lemonwater.
I listen to www.myspace.com/thecurseovdialect "broken feathers" and reminisce of the now in which I am.
She wrote me again. She answered my mail gently and fully of bloom. Forgiving maybe just as I am trying to walk the road of redemption.

She took from me violently and without concern. She tried to apologize, ready to take on the karmic consequences.
But I couldn't accept her in his life. Up to now. Now, that I see how she held out. How she cleaned up and was hurt and was going to leave him if he didn't change around.
Her birthday is two days before mine. She wrote back, something that not many girls would do. She reached out, just as I always dreamed in my hidden hopes of healing. She is with the man I loved.

I think it is and will be good.

God bless you with love and growth.

Let's let sun shine on it and time pass.
Maybe one day we can share our life experiences again. For now - till then.