it takes away

tears are falling and there is nothing dramatic or pretentious about this.
he is dying.
and maybe he will survive
it comes as a slow shock
not like earthquakes
but slow like a draught
sucking away life
every day

this is just
more fragile
more see through
than life is anyways
it takes away
it takes away
illusions of safety

the music pours in now
and my head hurts
i want to hang it and cry
he is so beautiful
against the sky
there with his guitar
and his eyes half closed
life is tragic as it is
we don't need any more imagination
there he floats in the melodies and rhythms
like dandelions when they fly

and we can't ask
we can't ask why.

it is twelve past nine
the emergency exits are locked
there is no way out
only in only in

her tea always tastes like magic
i haven't been swimming in a long time
i want to sauna
i can't think
haiti
haiti
and him

how is pedro?
still roaming the streets?
collecting pieces of paper?
with no shoes on his feet?
his mother sounded so distressed
she says she will try and stay strong
and i know she can never forget the day
she found his brother - hung
in her attic

it's weird this life
like Uli
he deserves to be here!
so many alleys
and he can create and give so much!
and learn
but people in Haiti had to go
and Rwanda
and in Kabul
and Baghdad
and he might too

like Max who fought against brain tumors
and now
we only meet in dreams
and moments of unspoken truth

i can't find your traces
they don't lead to my doorstep
i have left my house long ago
when you left my heart in pieces
on my way somewhere i don't know
a train that is running
and i can't stop it, no, no

well, but if i look in your eyes and see the smile in the corner of your lips i don't really have a real option as to whether or not.

so then it is, out of sight out of mind, and i sigh because i can't find the truth in any of that.
this music is old and worn out and i like to wear it like old favorite pants.

maybe we should just be that - friends.
i look at him, riddled, and swallow
i don't think i could do that - is that what you want?
no, no. could be that we were lying then? we were like strangers
my heart was crying uncontrollably
everytime i couldn't make out with you
in the laundry room
when i touched your hand
and maybe you just felt sorry or obliged
that would be so terrible

after all these years, i still love you so
you mutter as you fall asleep
before i wash away in a flood of impossibilities
and you hold my hand
and ask me why
i let everyone i love
take advantage of me

i couldn't really say anything
but nestled into your arms i felt so safe
and it fitted
just so well
and the smell
the smell
and the smile!
your eyes.
the soul that i once had known.

oh geez i miss you

i had this really strange dream
and we knew
you knew
that i had been your
only true love
i wiped a nephews behind
and got really impatient
i just wanted to talk to you
and find out the situation
why did you take me on this trip you said
and you were mad somehow
i said it hadn't been my idea
mom's
and i said remembere how we went up that hill
i later went down that steep slope
and i probably had mentioned also
your coming here with the new girl later on
why did you rub it in my face you said
and i felt sorry
and then you took me at the hand

ray sings empty
and i sit and swing forth and back about you
on my little rope

again

it's just the little buzz
it's just the coming home blues
it's just the snow
and being lonely

i check her site and i am almost upset
that there is no new pictures

i feel back
i fall back
i sink into the old unknown.

will i always feel that way?
so empty,
so estranged.

and I will go on a new journey
and fight new battles
and maybe I will win
one of them

and there will be still nothing to hold me
or someone
except my guardian angel
and boy did he do a good job

i am slipping
i am hiding
i am sliding
leaving the blanks unfulfilled
never calling anyone
but occasionally

it will be
just that way
gege

Lhasa de Sela

lying awake and falling asleep to Lhasa de Sela in Monterey
it was the summer of 2007 and it was when the dying began
I was caught in a world of magical stories, dark and somber, putting one foot after the other on that blank page of what my present had become. running barefoot through the mossy backyard, climbing trees and hiding.
We were there with the whole family. Landed at a tiny little airport with a private little 8 seater.
And the art in the house was exquisite yet foreign to me and I fell asleep in the refuge of what her music became to me.

She has passed away now. Two and a half years only after I heard her in Marie's friends car in Hollywood.

My love had been as uncertain as my love at that point and I was heading into a foggy misty future. Not knowing where I would wound up. Free, free as a bird. Like a little wing. That flies on.
And see, where I landed. On track. and everything seems fine. Just running behind time a little bit. And a gift at my hands of a completely free and unbound excourse I took. Lhasa de Sela's music - 'The Living Road' especially and 'Lhasa' also - a painting of that emotion.

i can't yet put it really into words. i am nothing, standing in front of this lady who placed her life at the feet of the Unseen.