i've retreated to the fact that i probably need to still go through some of this. so leave my galaxy, seek another one, this is circeling round and round like a song on repeat.
she says he is a wonderful man and you know what, i believe her.
in a way, this is great great news.
it sucks that we had to part but if it was with the result that his greatness that i saw and knew, can truly shine now, what would you want more!?
i love you
in a way

it's a different situation
when a wild child gets tames it's almost
as if you could wound up responsible for her
for the rest of your life
my heart is still yearning
but it is alright
i sit down and live with this lie
i just move on
backwards
with my eyes glued onto the sky
trying to retract some meaning
from meaningless stars

at the river bank of the danube
and the music takes me further.

it was a vacuum
and i am an artist
things are more complicated
when you die
slowly

i can see it in her eyes how much she truly loves him

maybe it makes it all good

and my heart is fluttering and waning

in the nights shared with my guitar and books

floating in a river of reminisce

down down

to where forgetting is

darker times

sometimes I am amused by the fact, that most people who get to know me probably rarely assume or consider that I indeed carry the dark side of the moon inside, like we all do. they know me as an upbeat, stand-up, positive and life-loving person.
maybe it's because i hide away, or try to do so, when i feel down, and often times i don't know who to talk to or to call, when a bout of grief or depression takes a hold of me.
this blog is called the dark side of the moon because i wanted to pay tribute to that fact. not surprisingly, i usually write more, when i feel blue, bruised inside and way heavy and down, as if my soul was weighed down, sinking into this ocean of blue and black, never reaching the ground.

i guess that writing about it, or writing through it does help. it is, as if i was talking to someone who i don't know, who can't console me with awkward words, helpless distractions or smart-ass reasonings. of course, i am lacking the embrace, the arms to hold me, but at least i can swing back and forth about all this on my little rope and maybe find a balance in doing so. it is different from writing a journal at home because of that unknown YOU out there, who by his or her free will can listen to my voice and whom i don't have to do any justice in turn. which is liberating and great and opens the gateways to encounters of a different kind.

i feel so confused, scared and angry, i have backlashes of broken hearted emotions, weird dreams, very intense ones at that, i had lice, i am scared i won't manage to do all i need to do, and i am wondering where i have been going wrong in this past year, whether or not it was a stupid idea to switch universities, i am thinking of what i have lost and gained in the process and most of all, i am trying to cope with the face of death in my life, losing my friend M. and my first love's brother P. who took his own life this summer and many more people who passed in my surroundings.

all this without someone to hold me, but with many amazing friends. just, time seems so awfully short, ticking away and i am breathlessly trying to figure out what i need to do to keep my life sane.


it isn't all that easy for me to admit to my darker emotions. i turn them into anger as a way out, get really mad at people in traffic or unfriendly people on the streets. when i stretched my pelvic muscle girdle when doing acro-yoga, i experienced a huge wave of ANGER and FRUSTRATION and DESPAIR crushing over me, as if I was hiding and holding all these emotions in there. I am so scared and angry and heart broken for God's sake. I didn't take it lightly, when D. and I broke. I didn't take anything that happened lightly and while that may be my problem, I still have to deal with it, right!

aye aye aye. vei vei vei.

stressed out

i am so stressed out, i feel it in my body, creeping through my veins, tensing up my back, pressuring my chest, filling it with tiny hick ups and sadness and sorrow.
the wind blows cold in berlin these days, i hunch my shoulders and scurry along the streets trying to maintain my breath, my peace but more than often can't piece it back together.
almost got into an accident today, cursed a lot and cried a little, smoked half a cigarette and ate half an apple, trying not to think about life and death but it s hard to do when people you love die around you and people you don't know drive like maniacs. i had a very odd dream about penises in an art performance and my lost love, my gone, shhh not to say ex, whom i tried to kiss in that said dream and who was distant and cold and very clear about that it now was him and that girl who are an item. when he left i tried to play it cool but really i wanted to scream, but it was you and me to the end, don't you remember, we were supposed to work it all out and i am thinking of that drive on PCH from Malibu back to Santa Monica when he was so freaked out what I had to think about and later it was him who let me drop into this vast ocean.
i am trying to maintain my pride, keep self pity at a minimum and make this moving on thing easier and more efficient but i guess the fact that one of my best friend's boyfriend just died doesn't make it all that much easier.
so, this is it, in the midst of trying to orient myself in a new university and a new life with many unknown factors, me in a mess, more or less, stressed out to the max and sad like a bucket of blue paint thrown against a black dreary wall.

he could probably tell that i hadn't passed the bridge all the way yet. not properly, anyways, looking back time and again, as if holding on to old songs of past rains and storms that had held my heart hostage. or who reigned it. giving birth to something new that now is meant to be old and yet is lingering within me, throbbing, silently, waiting for another day to come.

i love you i love you i love you, but who you are, i don't know anymore.

she buried her man and tears fell violently and silently as we were singing. sometimes, life is just isn't fair.

he could probably tell that i haven't passed the bridge all the way yet. we were so close during those lovely summer nights and days, spending a week of freedom together, exploring the depths and surfaces, holding on to life.

while he was breathing, breathing, trying not to die.

it is good he isn't pushing it any further, i would crack open like an almost ripened fruit but inside i would still be green, wondering, where the time had went, wondering, why he wasn't him.

winter

i am driving away through the night and the rain is knocking softly on a million doors.
i am walking away from my childhood love, leave the fallen autumn leafs behind, a pattern of red golden harmony, a swirl of memories collecting and making their way into the darkness of the wet ground.
i am walking away from my young love, leaving a trail of tears in the winds, cross the bridges and run from the fires, i face my true love in the wake of sweet mornings and then fall asleep alone.

i knew when i left how far i had already gone. the goodbyes mature, contained, stripped of their inherent magic, his little girl soft breathing beauty, waiting for sleep.
i am leaving and it is good, our summer went by and we had our moments of truth, like dew drop beads on a necklace of green shimmering blades of grass. music fills the air and my own personal stories fade into the night.

somethings just can't be told without wearing their magic out

past winters gather at the floor like puddles of melted emotions, ripe with colors and scents and moments. it was cold, and we got closer, friends came in and left their marks and my heart shrank and got wide and sacrificed.


if i could, i would hold everything back, i would give you everything, i would walk the line perfectly straight and lose myself in your eyes, your pale blue eyes, i wouldn't linger, no, no, i would patiently open my wings and wait for the winds of fate and faith lift me up and carry me to our destinations, i would wear your name on my lips like a sacred secret, i would rip my heart out and plant it in your gardens, if i only knew, if i only knew, who you were and where and if you
wouldn't be intimidated
by the true
me

tiredness washes over me
and music fills the voids
a long lonesome road this lady travels
with so many questions on her mind
and secrets tucked away neatly
in the darker corners of her mind

learning to count her blessings

and love laughter like dreams fading into the fall
it might just be that you keep walking
and walking
all alone

children lift the moments higher
touching clouds
monsters and rabbits
pirate ships and
trying so hard to please
neatly opening the pink mini bag
the pink labello
smeared around her mouth
because she hasn't found her own lips yet
the mother gently caressing her daughters hairdo
you can see how she carefully cleans the little dress with her fingers
so no crums remain
and she looks at me with these big, asking eyes.

a dishwasher in the tea room
as if he knew that i looked at him through the little window
he raises his head
and smiles at me
like the little indian boy on the train
he keeps playing the game
coming back and glancing and smiling
and it s for free

there is a lot of things that can kill a man
there are many ways to die

ray lamontagne sings empty

will i always feel this way?
so empty
so
estranged

she is sinking into the blue
the oblivion
now they are sailing away on different clouds and i am spiraling down into the middle
Oumou Sangaré
the fires have been burning so slow and rendering me speechless
i just wanted to go and fly and fall
but harvest had come and let me go
like a dry leaf
dwindeling down.
they are speaking now of the impossibilities
and the what if´s
and i couldn't agree more.
Singing with my heart
weaving the truths of the deepest possible love
into my air

child of snow

the streets whisper in secrets to me, finally. i felt like dropping down and begging. drinking clear water from a creek in dalmatia. or waking up as a child of snow in some soldier's arms in the times between.
rocking softly back and forth i hear the streets rustling, like leaves in fall. there is a moon over manhattan and my eyelids drop heavily over the cobblestones and histories past. churches are ducking away under big towering buildings that speak of loudness and consume and death to the indians.
it is hardly silent in this church and i hear my tears drop inbetween the rumbles and bumbles of the subway in the subterranean. listening to the inside thoughts stumble over each other and rush one another like the people outside the streets. slowly dwindeling down to some humming and finally a sigh. i get to see everything from a distance. the coat i fell in love with and the dresses, the ridiculous electronics and boots and pumps and everything. it all doesn't matter.
the next day i meet an old man on the street. he is buying something to eat and we smile and start a conversation that ends in his loft on broadway avenue with him playing the piano in ways that make my heart stop and us improvising music that resides inside.
he tells me stories about the origins of the blues and the stories of the many faces in the streets.

you are distant and faint now and we shared a good laugh when he asked me about you. he said, this reminds me of that joke of two jewish ladies meeting in a park. the one asks the other, how are you, and she answers with a heavy sigh. when she is asked in return, she also sighs and the other lady says, hey, i thought we agreed on not speaking of our sons again!

he said i had just such an expression when he asked me about you. i do love the roma though. and everything that reminds me of you. the visions of johanna and greenwich village, indeed.

now there is another man in another country who is not aware of anything or maybe too much. it s good to sleep.

i was a child of snow in his arms and we fell into the skies, upside down, into the skies.