darker times

sometimes I am amused by the fact, that most people who get to know me probably rarely assume or consider that I indeed carry the dark side of the moon inside, like we all do. they know me as an upbeat, stand-up, positive and life-loving person.
maybe it's because i hide away, or try to do so, when i feel down, and often times i don't know who to talk to or to call, when a bout of grief or depression takes a hold of me.
this blog is called the dark side of the moon because i wanted to pay tribute to that fact. not surprisingly, i usually write more, when i feel blue, bruised inside and way heavy and down, as if my soul was weighed down, sinking into this ocean of blue and black, never reaching the ground.

i guess that writing about it, or writing through it does help. it is, as if i was talking to someone who i don't know, who can't console me with awkward words, helpless distractions or smart-ass reasonings. of course, i am lacking the embrace, the arms to hold me, but at least i can swing back and forth about all this on my little rope and maybe find a balance in doing so. it is different from writing a journal at home because of that unknown YOU out there, who by his or her free will can listen to my voice and whom i don't have to do any justice in turn. which is liberating and great and opens the gateways to encounters of a different kind.

i feel so confused, scared and angry, i have backlashes of broken hearted emotions, weird dreams, very intense ones at that, i had lice, i am scared i won't manage to do all i need to do, and i am wondering where i have been going wrong in this past year, whether or not it was a stupid idea to switch universities, i am thinking of what i have lost and gained in the process and most of all, i am trying to cope with the face of death in my life, losing my friend M. and my first love's brother P. who took his own life this summer and many more people who passed in my surroundings.

all this without someone to hold me, but with many amazing friends. just, time seems so awfully short, ticking away and i am breathlessly trying to figure out what i need to do to keep my life sane.


it isn't all that easy for me to admit to my darker emotions. i turn them into anger as a way out, get really mad at people in traffic or unfriendly people on the streets. when i stretched my pelvic muscle girdle when doing acro-yoga, i experienced a huge wave of ANGER and FRUSTRATION and DESPAIR crushing over me, as if I was hiding and holding all these emotions in there. I am so scared and angry and heart broken for God's sake. I didn't take it lightly, when D. and I broke. I didn't take anything that happened lightly and while that may be my problem, I still have to deal with it, right!

aye aye aye. vei vei vei.