losers

it s a moment of brief embarrassament to admit to myself that i actually DO care whether my man is a loser or not.

1. Je: I got suspicious when I realized that his recordcompany isn't going as well as he always boasted about. It wouldn't have been that bad if he hadn't boasted around as much. It know it is a tough business and when you work hard you have all my respect. but this was strange. All the time 'the others' were the bad ones. No way he would have ever admitted a mistake. This actually lessened the fascination i initially felt for him and I broke up with him when he was being nitty-gritty about money with me, calling me a fucking Nazi-German. That was a bad joke. I am, by the way only half-german.
2. Nikki: this is way back, in my highschool days, but looking back I have to admit that his love for this bitch increasingly became the sign for me that he is not the one I should be in love with. He had a relationship with this ugly stupid girl, totally annoying personality, and although he admitted being in love with me, he didn't manage to break up with her. My self-respect and her outer appearance reassured me that it was rather because of him being a loser than me being not good enough for him. He is a fat dude now and I was embarrassed having this sentiment when I saw him again, but I actually felt as if I had my revenge now, seeing him being such a loser.
3. Bl:
   he was one of those guys with whom it 'clicked' like that. We met in a club and our eyes talked to each other and eventually he gave me his contact information, I called him, he called back, we met, had good sex, a good talk...nice breakfast...he is very tender, nice, cute, caring... Tall, sportive, with a great smile, Hip Hopper...what do you want more. Oh, I want more of course. But again, despite all the things I found out not to like about him immediately (he is a bit too laid back for me. you know that type of 'oh i chill today' guy. But I want chilling AND action every now and then. And then he is the guy who inspired me to write some of the previous posts...you dig what I mean?) this little strange feeling emerged when I found out more about the success-related things in his life: he has a very interesting and innovative hiphop group but things aren't going that well. I feel a bit strange when saying this, but to be honest, i just felt as if I even don't wanna be part of this whole thing, I don't wanna be drawn into his business-related problems. (oh, and I also got this strange feeling when I listened to his songs which I don't think are cool at all. But then again, he is only 26 and can develop but .nah. not really. if someone commits his life to music and this is what is the outcome I can't but doubt.)
4. J.: he is cool and caring and the type of guy you wanna marry. But just reading his website and compare it to the website of his competition makes me feel like: oh yeah, you shouldn't have too high a self esteem, just look at this. Why do you have to make exactly the same site but so much worse than they do it? You are a loser baby.

I think, however, that a good woman should be interested in the business of her man and that she also should stand behind him and support him in what he does no matter what happens to him or no matter what circumstances... But strangely enough, when i get the feeling, my man is insecure and a loser, I start doubting. So maybe I jsut haven't met the guy I wanna stand behind in the end... But all in all it is very embarrassing to have such sentiments and when I think how much I favor L.A. (whose girlfriend I ll never be unfortunately) who just radiates this convincing success aura and seemingly has his stuff together (and is admittedly the fuckin greatest DJ I have ever seen and the best lover I ever had) I have to start seriously questioning myself and my psyche...

wanna be luved

well i guess i am not alone with that.
i fuckin hate it. i jut wanna be in love again. just for a few days lord!
or let me smoke grass or something like that

this guy fuckin upsets me! i just can't fall in love with him now. maybe i shouldn't be so impatient. fuck it

recently, when havin sex i was so tired that there was not way i d come. very much to my annoyance though.
well. and then, this other guy, you know the NERD, he keeps repeating how much i changed and how much i betray myself with how i am. fuck, who is HE to tell me sth like that? fuck it!

i am noones bitch right now@! and i certainly will never ever by the one you expected me to be. even if you appreciated it like hell that i appeared to be what you liked to see in me. fuck it !NOOOO!
i don't wanna be like anybodies expectation, to be precise! i just wanna live up to my own expectations and i am clever and experienced enough to see in that a lifelong process because this is what my life is for, dammit! to find out my intention and my aims and my destination! but if i knew already, what it was, i would rest and say, now that i know, i can go slower. thats the whole fuckin point mr NERD!

if you really knew me, you would stop loving me or being interested in my. you d take it slow and discover other interesting beings. fuck it! i give a damn! i mean, hey, it s WORSE to supposedly BE like YOU EXPECTED it. i don't want you to love me BECAUSE of anything. i rather be a BITCH and see what you do then. if you can't stand above it, you are TOO WEAK for me and need lots of time to grow strong. go and get a harmony-loving sweet girl. i never denied being a desaster.

never, you know...

so, thats where i take it from. i resist being your puppy. your co-worker. your best friend, your soul mate, the one with who you will save the world. SAVE the WORLD????

oh DUDe, i WISH, i still had this kind of utopianism available. all we can do is contribute to a better world. and lord, even if you and i would strive for the very same thing it wouldn'e even be SPECIAL you know! because EVERYBODY is saving the world! and there is no way to unite the different principles and worldviews unless you rise above this damn ego thing and realize that all is ONE. already, no negotiation, no discussing, no debating, no convincing, none of that.

gosh.

i am really upset ;-)

piranha

there will be a light

there will be a light.
Ben Harper 'life at the Apollo' with the 'Blind Boys of Alabama'

listening to this song almost makes me cry.
it's late in the night and i had a long day. full of emotions and questions.
there will be a light.
although it is gospel-like religious in a way I can't help loving this song.
Wait, why 'although'?

hm. let me clarify. I think it's fuckin stupid to be anti-religious just because it is so easy to be. I just don't like the church as much. Although I am half American and only half German I was nourished by the secularist good old Europe, and I stand straight in the tradition of those who claim religion to be one of the most privat things ever. That doesn't mean, however, that I am not religious. I have always felt a deep connection to this ' ' yo know! Maybe stronger through nature but also just simply through the love I feel for the people and this planet and all its beings. Somehow, I know, I am risking to sound pathetic or very sentimental or like one of those green animal-protectors or whatever. But I mean it. I think belief and faith and religion in this broader sense then is something I can feel to exist and I can approve of existing. We need the darks side and the light.

Christianity is due to reasons rooted in society most close to me as an institutionalized religion. But to be honest I know too little about it than being able to say anything reasonable about it. I just have the suspicion that church might have given important things to the people and that with all the bad also some good came along. I don't FUCKING approve of any missionary attempts in native tribes of whatever continent though! I just heard that in Nigeria they burn their ancient shrines cuz they say (I mean, the Christianized natives say) that the African Gods kept the people away from the real God.

There will be a light.

This music is so genuine. Gospels were genuine. All good eternal music was/is genuine I think.

Thank you for giving that back to me BeN!

piranha

who the f*** is ME?

so. the age. does it matter? i guess. i just met two girls who knew me from back in school. they were 16. looked like buds before blossoming.
i suddenly understood why men fall for young 'women', why women later feel nostalgic about being sweet 16 or 18. its just such a beautiful thing. so innocent, so shining, so radiating.
no, i am not above 30. I am 22 thats very young, too, obviously, but relatively speaking.

so. sexual orientation? that matters certainly. I like guys, a lot, and I like girls a lot, too. however, my sexual experience has so far only included kissing and petting with women but no sex. well. oh yeah, forgot: once I also shared my guy with my best friend ;) but as she wasn't really bi i cannot claim having had sex with a woman but indeed I had sex with a woman and a guy together.
Thinking of that it suddenly feels very absurd, to be honest. Man, what did she think when she saw me fucking this guy? I remember what I thought seeing her: I thought: This guy has a hard time satisfying two women in the same time. And I thought: Oh my God, she is so passionate. I didn't know her like that before. Although she was and is my best friend.

At some point I left, cuz he took too long getting ready with her. I sat down in his living room and started reading the geology books of his wife. (As it later turned out. She is very sweet and doesn't deserve such a bastard). But alhtough he is a bastard I am very grateful cuz he was my first guy (I waited with sex until I was 21 which is a different story and just let me assure you that it wasn't easy at all!) and made my first time an incredible unforgettable experience. He was also the one who made me do my first striptease (which was great fun but I am happy he did not film me!) and , yeah, just unforgettable.

Well, it s important that my friend still IS my best friend. It could as well have ruined our friendship but indeed it deepened it. I wouldn't recommend this kind of experience though to everybody. Better choose a girl who is bi, too, and who you don't know as well as your best friend.
The coolest thing however was, that we had a real fun time talking after sex. He fell asleep, as men are supposed and said to, after having had exhausting sex, and we had each other to indulge into the talking women are said to like to do after having had sex :)
We thought how terrible it'd be if we had become pregnant this night because then, seeing the children, it would be very clear who of us was more beautiful. lol. with the same dad....haha. women! I don't get it.

As I already said, I waited quite long until I had sex first . But since then I really tried to explore this universe.

I am big. I have always envied my sisters who were the most beautiful beings in this world, if you had asked me back then. I was different. tall, big. people would say I have an athletic figure, I thought I was fat. Now I see I wasn't but now I am. LOL. Not really but a bit maybe haha. Who the fuck cares. Whenever I am so far to say: ok, maybe I should do sth about it, I meet some guy who loves me the way I am and then all motivation to losing weight is gone. So I told myself, as long as I can run 10 km after having danced through a night, I am allright.

Piranha is my nick cuz I can bite. I am a cat. I love cuddling but I can bite too. I am pisces. So I am piranha. Thats all what is there about it. Man, now I revealed one of my last secrets . poof.

I don't really dig being nice for the sake of being nice. I hate fake. Thats why I had a hard time faking orgasms in the first place. So why the fuck? Just because I want to please you it doesn't mean I am going to fake it. I should though, according to my sis, to make the guys stay with me. But I don't want anyone to stay. I want to learn. Thats all for now. And man, I have lots and lots of fun having sex, even WITHOUT orgasms. capito?

People think I am crazy, indeed I am. I am crazy in love with this world. I often push myself doing things I otherwise would regret not having done. (there are too many stories to tell!!!) I wanna fight for this world although I am very pessimistic about the human race and the state of the world. But yeah. There is this idealist inside me, I can't help it.

to come back to sexual matters, as today I consider them to be foremost important and as hopefully nobody knows me here I can reveal my innermost feelings and experiences. Isn't there a little exhibitonist in all of us? He?

I just recently met my master, man, he really reconciled me with the woman inside me. He made me shiver and shake and cry and scream and sigh and groan. And he treated me like a real woman. That was cool. Since then everything changed, honestly. I had sex with this other guy and it was GREAT. And, without being arrogant in this respect I can say it was not really because of him but because of me. lol.
I didn't have to fake anything and we did it all night long.

My arms fall asleep while having sex.

I like playing. I don't like kiss-kisses. I like playing. I want to have a kiss-story not a fucking wet-stick-our-tongue-way down-my-trhoat-kiss-desaster.
I fucking hate it when you stroke my hand on the same spot for hours, with little circulating strokes. man, I am not a REAL CAT! I am a sexual cat but not a fucking pussycat!

So. I also don't like, as I mentioned before, neither guys sucking my breasts as if they were babies, nor guys who touch 'em as if they were extremely injurable and fragile. Man, babies fucking BITE sometimes their mothers breasts! There are women BOXING! We are not made of porcelain!

So, who the fuck is me? I use the word fuck way too much and I am an artist. is that enough? I love dancing and I love life and music and philosophy and I like guys who know how to treat a woman. If you wanna know what I mean by that don't hesitate to ask me. If you ask me every guy should have obligatory classes in school where he learns how to do that. Both, in sexual and social respect. Mind-sex is similarly important as physical sex.

I am not onesided. I am aware of the dark side of the moon and I don't want to lock it up.

beth hart

m. just doesn't like beth hart, cuz she is too sentimental (????)
just go to yahoo launch and listen to her 'monkey back'
man
if you understand you are on
on and on and on and on!
it just gives me so much right now
listen to it, loud!

piranha

girls and masturbation

well, when did it start, i guess it was all bad influence of one of those teenie magazines where they said it s a really good and important thing to masturbate. dunno whether that s true or not, but it worked for me to start exploring myself...
I was maybe 13 or so and i tried and it was all in vain. didn't work. didn't have a clue what they were talking about. i guess i was all dry. lol
but somehow i couldn't let go of it, thought, man, there must be sth about it.
so i tried and discovered myself and once i knew it worked there was more and more often nights I'd play myself to sleep...yeah, and i would read all those cheap love-stories which are close to pornographic contents to stimulate my phantasy...

sure, nobody really talks about it.
Once my sis asked me whether I actually did masturbate and I acted like 'oh, what? do YOU do that?' gosh, have i been a little hypocrite!!!! I think I even once caught her half on her way to an orgasm lol

haha, when I think of it now its really lots of fun. girls....
a relief when i met marina. she and i would just talk very openly about it. pretty cool. gosh, i mean, EVERY woman at least tries it! so don't even rais your eyebrows and PLEASE don't aske me how often. it all depends on the woman damn!

marina was like 'oh my boyfriend never gets me there. i only have orgasms with myself.'
well, that sounds admittedly pretty sad, but let me tell you sth guys: we have LOTS OF FUN even without having the ultimative orgasm! fuck it! we are different! but yeah, we know you like us spinning off. so either just be that inspiring or just let us fake it ;-))

i mean until i met L.A. i also had only orgasm with myself. but now, that he actually drove me THAT crazy i cannot deny that its even more fun together...lol

so, to sum it up, there is hardly any woman who did not masturbate in her life and habits are very different. For me sport works just as well. BUt wouldn't miss it. And if you ask all the women in your environment don't expect to get honest answers ;-)

ben harper

ben harper...there will be a light....
I cry in the night
It moves me deep inside. There are so many facettes of life and he touches so many of them. And I am reminded of them and I feel: Oh yeah, there is so much out there, that is yet to be discovered by me.

And in the same time I know, that inside, there is as much and as important things to be discovered. And maybe I am just missing them.

I think of J. and feel a deep sorrow inside myself. Why did I have to break up? Why couldn't I take this wonderful gift of life and love him and be loved by this tender, deep, caring guy???

Tonight I really missed someone like him. or, i missed HIM. The way he hugs me, puts his strong arms around me and the way he kisses me. The way he closes his eyes and kisses so tenderly....
The way he gets me excited without knowing it. His big hands which could kill someone and are yet so tender in touching. Almost too soft...

It hurts to think that I abandoned this gift, this wonderful person for the sake of experience...For the sake of a friendship that seems to fall apart now anyways. I mean, sure we will hold the contact... But time shows different faces at times....

Ben Harper...."Please Me Like You Want To"

...

fuck

funny
when i go to a party and dance like crazy i get into the mood of making love
well...it's anyways just a game
but yeah, he is too lazy a fucking lazy bum
so i am not going to fight for a sleeping pill
also

this guy is cool
i mean, you know, the getting to know sb and all the works is fun anyways. and exciting

but then, when it comes to real sexual interaction you have to sort things out: do you like him enough
to actually teach him how you like it?
or is it just not worth the effort?

sex was okay, but really, i blame that on Al!

Al just showed me, how i can have fun anyways.

You know, my sister used to say 'fake it until you make it'

Al made it. I didn't have to fake. Cool

Well and Mr. Stranger....he sucks my breast as if he was a baby! Hello! The rest of my body is also sensitive to touching! I mean, sure, everybody knows where the first and second sexual spots are.
But this was kinda funny. He also didn't shave so it tickeld badly. lol

then, gosh, guys, have you heard that stimulating the clitoris directly is NOT big fun for a girl? no?
I mean it s no big deal telling you, but it is annoying to do so. I mean, if you meet a 26 old guy and he doesn't know it. You don't wanna intimidate the guy. But it's also not big fun!

Anyways. Guys, don't stimulate the clitoris directly. Thats all. And don't forget about the rest of the body, and don't forget that women like getting their phantasy stimulated. And that happens through words or movements NOT necessarily visual stuff.

piranha

he picked me

hei, i was already pissed. no guys would flirt with me. nothing more than an eyeflirt the whole night. arim got the cute blond guy. she doesn't like him, he likes her and I like him.

in the end, i already wanted to leave, the sexiest guy alive in da club offered me a cigarette and we started talking.

reconciliation. man, am i lucky. thats cool. how could he tell that i want to get to know him. the whole night he had treated me as if i was invisible. but he saw everything. he said: you are a woman. thats a problem here. but you know, if the other don't get it, just give a f***.
we huged. he kissed my neck. i gave him my number. i had told me part of his story and promised to finish somewhen else. he also offered me to have a guided drugexperience with him. lol. but yet an interesting guy..and damn sexy. although he is already older than 38...

i want to have sex with him.

should i stay?

oh yes!
it was 5 am and i just finished my paper and decided i would go for you stranger. i took the tram and arrived at your house around half past.
the newspapers lady let me in and i rang at your door. my heart was pumping, don't know whether due to the many stairs or the wicked situation.

you opened and you were totally sleepy. you couldn't believe that i had come. when we were laying together in your huge comfortable bed you couldn't fall asleep. your hands were wandering over my body as if you aimed to explore the whole continent in one night. i fell asleep very quickly. you said i talked while sleeping. you even din't snore. i was incredibly tired. you said you wanted to cuddly ;-) so here i was! why sleep alone, if there is someone you can share your blanket with...

the next morning i woke up to your smile. you couldn't stop kissing me. i wasn't turned on at all. my mind really controls that side of me. when i decide not to have sex nothing can really turn me on, except of the right attitude maybe but no touching.

we got up and had breakfast. you didn't talk much. i saw clearly what i don't like about you. that is maybe why my coin said, when i flipped it to find out whether i should go an visit you that night/morning or not, NO.

but when i left you had this incredible cute smile. you are a bit fluffy. but the fact that you are only 26 reconciles me with you. you are still a baby! so you can still learn a lot. for example, that stimulating the clitoris directly is not much fun for a woman. man, that should be the first thing that men learn before they get together with women...

also your kisses are a bit wet. i just cannot forget john from england. he kissed like paradise. i have never experienced s th like that before.
but you have your mind and your own way. i like it.

i can imagine myself having a realtionship with you i think. just lots of sex. i think that would make everything really good. but i have to manage these kisses. they are not mine, honestly.

hey, who ever reads that. do you think that sounds as if i shouldn't go for my stranger???

desperately...

piranha

desperation

dear stranger
i called and you were there finally
it was too akward to talk to you it makes me feel sick
why is it, that i am so easily impressed by what other people say and think of what i tell them about you?
fuck it! really
i am into the depths now. i give a fuck. i really wanna know you, and if it turns out that i am bored with you and that you are not as cool as i thought and that i don't wanna be your girlfriend. who cares?
it s always worth a try.
it is my attitude to give things a try!
i shouldn't back away now.
oh man
why am i so enthusiastic all the time in the beginning
and then tell everybody how i feel
it sucks
i shouldn't but my feelings are so big they hardly ever fit into my body although i am big myself.

now i sit here, tryin to pull this essay off
i feel guilty
i was rough and short at the phone
i was cool
i played cool

oh man, i am not that way actually
but men who make me feel i am the one to control everything somehow bore me.
isn't that a predicament.
cuz m. is right.
if it is that way you 'll always be treated like a queen..\
if you look too much up to the guy you will always be treated as a piece of shit.

okayokay i stop making those stupid generalizations but it genuinly sucks

am listening to REM

'she just wants to be somewhere else'...

yeah.

man i really wanna fall in love like that....
would you visit me?
you said you would come over

you would leave your TERRITORY for ME???
who are you?
i don't get it

i don't get it

i am so sorry stranger

that i am so fucked up
i feel that you are so vulnerable
and i don't wanna hurt you
and i also don't wanna be with someone
when i have to be scared to hurt him

bright eyes 'love is an excuse to hurt and to get hurt'
'do you like to hurt? i do i do. then hurt me then hurt me then hurt me then hurt me'

okay i get it...

i am so happy about that blog. that prevents me of writing sentimental and messy emails to you.
good

i leave that now.
is there anybody who feels the same predicament???????
oh stranger don't leave yet

stranger

hey stranger, i know i shouldn't write you.

but then again, i am listening to your song and then to tori amo's version of 'killing me softly' and it is 2 am. so why not write to you...

it just is so special to think of you. How is it possible, that such a little remark can upset a young woman's heart so much? You even didn't say you love me, you just said that it felt as if you know me, YOU, the stranger, and that it feels so familiar and

that i has been a while

whatever that meant, i don't know, it was enough to make my phantasie develop daring theories on what it meant and what the kiss meant that prevented the rest of the words to come out...

words, like birds, flying through the soft thunderstormnight, spring was in the air and I felt very strange and very special. When you were in the kitchen I went to the window and looked down. The house in front of your flat is coloured in sunset coulours. I was naked and was wondering whether one could see me from down there. Your arms held me tight during the whole night and you snored. When I touched your curly hair you mumbled how good it felt and I was surprised by so much tenderness in such a guy like you.

Now, how can affect this me so much? Is it so easy to get me? I mean, I shouldn't make any judgements yet, I know, but it still upsets me. Can you buy me with a coffee in the morning? With a touching hand on my knee, while you are walking by? With that cute clumsy kiss when we said good by and the assertion that we would meet again as soon as you d be back from Stockholm and Kopenhagen....

You know, with J. it was all the same. He was so great, he would do anything for me. He maybe just bought me with sewing my trousers and helping me to find the right mobile phone for me. And coffee in the mornings, LOL. He loved me. I knew that. There was no guessing. He was tender. Wanted to see me. Was patient, treated me with respect... And yet

it was different. Because you are older. You are a stranger. You can be everything and nothing in the same time. I shall not be afraid of the nothing. I am for the 100% kind of thing you know. we shouldn't be afraid of all our feelings just because experience taught us that they hurt.

Pain is good for songs and creativity. Lets hurt. Lets love. oh lets love.
I want to love, really, I want to love you. So badly.

I am so sorry it didn't work with Jasper. I love him so much too. More than anyone maybe. I cannot really handle all these feelings. I don't know what they mean. I guess I have to find out.

How many times did I say 'I' in this post???Oh goddess......raven goddess...what is this...\

stranger, stranger, i want to love you. i am desperate because i don't know what the fuck the difference was and would be between you and someone else. Probably just the fact, that they wouldn't be you.

You, you, you....L.A.- I also would go for him if he was you....
Jasper, I am so sorry it couldn't work between you and me. I love you so much, and I hope it wasn't just an act of cowardice that I broke up. You know, it hurts, really bad, but I couldn't and still can't help it. I think we are able of loving more people. And maybe you are the true love and maybe you are not. This guy is now on my way and I have to see this stranger once more.

"i'm just a station, on your way, i know i am not your lover...' 'but i once loved a child of snow...when i was a soldier...and i fought every fight for her, until the nights grew colder......travelling lady, stay a while, until the night is over..."...

leonard cohen....the beauty of the word was trembling in his hand....

I will give it a try if you give me a chance!!!!

mjamani

the to be tamed piranha

defects

Yeah, the suspicion is, after a second look at it, that this guy must have some defects liking me, so evidently and so spontaneously. I am not the kind of girl that looks like "wow" on first sight, ya know! I am not one of those breathtaking beauties, I am not one of those, who wear this special, cool mix of clothes, selfmade and interesting looking. I am also not one of those with this special air of sovereignity around them. and yet he looked at me as if he knows me. this guy must have a defect. probably i am the only one who falls for him, because i am so naiv, i am sure i am the only one who actually thinks it is cool that he likes her. and he probably thought that he might have a chance with me because i look so naiv and stupid...and so desparately looking for love....
jesus!!!!
and also: I was in deep yesterday......messed around with john the guy from england. man, he even looks like somebody i would fall for, but hey, i haven't ever ever experienced such a kissing! i simply couldn't stop! i mean, that was astonishing!!! he kisses exactly the way i like it, like i do...i mean, with j. it was incredible, too, but there were so many feelings involved you know. this time it was just fantastic from the very start, despite his not being my type and actually a complete stranger to me (i mean knowing each other for a weekend doesn't mean anything right?)... Max was great too, but he had his own way which was very interesting and exciting. but john was just the match! i was very puzzled. I mean, with blake it isn't the same... I don't mind, really, it is just that I am puzzled that it is possible like that and it's actually frustrating that it works with such a complete stranger. I want Love! man! why is it like this????
I even don't wish that blake kissed that way, i mean, the only thing i worry about it, whether it actually means something if it matches that well....or whether the personality is more important. or, to put it this way, is it important, that the kissing with sb you like, is good? i mean, extremely good? or will that come as time goes by and affection grows?
i had the feeling that blake was a bit nervous, so maybe its due to that....he also came the first time so quickly......the second time was already a lot better. and he is so nice. you know, the point is, i don't care so much about it right now, as i think, i would give it a try despite not breathtaking kissing....
yeaheyah
LL.....
we'll see what happens and i keep you posted.....
mjamani the piranha

thinking sucks

it really does
i met this gorgeous guy. he looked so cool, so fascinating, so attracting.
i was puzzled by the way he approached me. he showed his affection right away. i liked it because i am used to more guessing since my last affairs were a bit difficult to handle.
i was flattered, sure.
he gave me his number and i actually called him.
he got back to me a few days later. he had been in Bruxells for a concert. he is musician, sure, just as all those guys i meet. either they are musicians or artists. Andi was the exception. teacher...
but anyways. he called me at half past midnight. we decided to meet up as soon as he d return from Stockholm where he was heading to the next day.
but as soon as i had hung up the phone i though fuck, we should meet now, as you never know what happens. accidents, all the works. you know what i mean. another woman ;)
so we met that very night and it was great to see him. it actually felt very familiar. very known. scary somehow.
we had sex. fuck. i actually didn't want to, cuz i thought, since he seems to be a special guy i maybe shouldn't have sex straight away.
it was nice though. i mean, he wasn't like L.A.
L.A. just knows what woman need, but the affection, tenderness and interest he showed in me as a person made it up and gosh, there is plenty room to develop right!?
but then....he talked about his mom. that he had called her when he felt so special in Bruxells. There are all these little religious pictures in his flat. i don't know how old he is. and then this slight overpowered self-lvoe that so many artists have. you know, they have to have it but it's strange anyways.
well. so there were five days until he would come back
i was totally excited the next day. he made me breakfast, was incredibly tender and caring and it was he who said we would have to meet again as soon as he would be back.
that s all nice you know
but now, as i am a woman and think way too much i go through what happened again and again. i shouldn't have had sex with him straight away. i don't know anything about him. i start googeling in internet to see what is there on him. i don't especially like his music too much although he is into hiphop too. i am afraid that i stop liking him because he is not successful enough...i know that sounds stupid. but it was the same with jerome. i don't like being part of that struggle. oh man that sounds so much like crap! fuck ! i am sorry. i am just a mess right now. i start wondering. maybe he is a strange weirdo you know. maybe...
there is no one who could help me now with that, is there anyone?
i don't know.
you know, its like....i wish everything would be cool, you know, i want to fall in love and be happy just for the next two months. but then, i am too enthusiastic always...and then dissapointed...i talk about him as if i was in love with him. all my friends already know. i am a fucking extrovert. and he is maybe just going to commit that mistake to show too much affection and then it gets boring...fuck. i always want the cake and eat it too...man mjamani...take your hat and leave...that scene...