in the dark

sometimes it feels less scary to write in the dark, where things are blurry and less distinct. today it is grey outside and the weather is reflecting my inside. somewhat confused I gaze into the void. I can't be too scared but I feel a little tinge of fright inside when I think about what I have done and where I went, I definitely want to find out what I can do to protect myself now. I am so full of ambivalent notions and feelings and thoughts about lifestyles that present themselves to me in such vibrant and convincing manners. we don't know anything. and i don't really want to know that much. I just want to sing and dance, sometimes, without thinking too much.

as Peng says, there is a spiritual war going on, and things do matter.
This has, incidentally, always been my biggest question.

elation

almost like a fleeting memory of the scent of a blossoming apple tree
nothing really, but it was there
soft and light
and nothing really
but oh so elated.

the completion of it in the sun lit ship-room, with so many windows and pink blooming trees in the yard was like a butterfly kiss on my soulwings, holding the appropriate space for what was and what is and what will be.
honoring my love and my journey to you, and yet opening new doors to move on with it.

it.

impossible

as i was walking home, swinging, down the beautiful alley way i heard the crickets chirping and some birds crossed the evening kissed sky, alive, with clouds dancing with the warm early summer air.
and i thought... strange days that have found me, who would have thought!? me, living here in this little cute guesthouse, ten minutes from the pacific ocean, palmtrees in the wind and the eucalyptus!!!
but then, all out of the blue-dark sky i felt that the other situation had been way more improbable, almost impossible, to even conceive of.
although i am someone who likes to look at the bright side of life, the good in the bad, the chance in the challenge...i can't really see yet so much jolliness in what we went through, yes, it was extremely pretty our house, but too many overshadowing nights i spent there alone, clinging on to fleeting thoughts how to be or to react when it should have been just easy and peaceful and free.
don't you agree???
it's amazing to think what i did. i mean, just try it. for a moment. for a fracture of a minute out of your night. every day three hours on the street. on my bike, the bus, the feet. getting up at 3 AM out of a relaxing bath to come meet you at Mel's/ Or make you some food. Getting up early the next day. On the road again. And again, and again.
Never going to the beach. Or running. Or to see Dali. Or so.
And then, after the fall, even not one more cup of coffee for the road.
Impossible.

vent

you little scumbag, see, you already done it, so go, do it again!
what do you think, I care?
no, no. No, no, no.
no, no, no, no, no!? no!

ah, golden the days that I don't know you.
golden, a mind without you.
if i only could be healed from a wound that is yellow and green with pus from treacherous behaviour like yours.
yes, yes, i blame the wrong source, i guess, i guess.
aren't we all pawns in the game?
ah, and i might seem bitter now too.
but sure, you do, you do, you do laugh so shrill, like the bad witch in the tales, your eyes are evil to me and even tho you say you know what it's like.
aw, you didn't wanna destroy my life, so ha, of course you didn't and know that you haven't my life is full on, that's so not the point, the point my dear lady is that you
could suck my dick, if i had one.
and i would pay you, as they should do.

excercise indifference

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