5:54
birds: singing
me: like a drug addict I return and return to that place where we met. I know we won't meet there again. I tell myself constantly that I do not expect or hope for anything anyways. and return. maybe, well, maybe there is just another magic moment around the corner???
matter of fact: there were magic moments. well, rather, potentially magic moments. several men fell in love with me tonight. or better -
men: wanted to fuck me/make love to me.
me: like a drug addict I could not stop thinking of you. francis is also from afrodescendance. but he is not you.
love: wants to be lived. immediately, always, urgently, necessarily.
me: not with me love not with me tonight. let me play, let me feel energy but don't expect any major channeling of love. no penetration of any kind tonight love, not tonight
matter of fact: three different guys want to cook with/for me this weekend
me: like a drug addict I returned to the place where we met. the weather was sad, grey and it was soon going to rain. the door was closed and I read the poster with the rules they put up recently. I heard the birds singing in there and I imagined the silhouette of the houses we stared at that night, as day slowly crept along the riverside and bathed the silhouettes in silky light to reveal their beauty, their stunning beauty in destruction. you smoked and your laughter was like a stab in my heart because it reminded me of the future. of a future that I am desperately longing for and that I trust will come true. I know, I know, in order to let the future land safely in my harbour I need to give time to it, allow a generous schedule, be patient and thats why it hurt. I looked down, looked down the street we went along that morning, the spot where you gave me this look and I knew nothing was going to happen but so much already had happened. where you laughed silently about our walking so slowly. the bank where you encouraged me to continue talking while you were opening the door. your cold and uncomfortable hand when you said good bye. the poem I slipped into your jacket. the singing in my heart when I walked down the street and like a drug addict I stare at the closed door and feel a heavy heavy tiredness emerge from deep inside. I want to sit down and lay my head on my knees and sleep in a fetal position. I want to crawl onto that couch we sat on and sleep until the sun wakes me up to a new day a new day another day without you.
6:06
tim love lee (never heard of him before) play: sombre hombre.
I am sober(although this was a prototype night for getting drunk actually) and need to sleep now. I miss you so terribly I miss you. the birds are singing and human beings are so crazy. we are all lunatics. we go to sleep when the birds wake up. the walls of the backyard houses are yellow and beige. I feel inspired by their simple boring form. I see a lot of sky. but there is no heaven
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
lovers
what a pitty.
he could have been such a good lover
but for some reason there is something that makes this man an egoist all of the sudden.
love without affection...- nah!
you better watch out to maintain the delicate balance of energies here, you better watch out to keep this woman in good mood. don't leave now. not yet. lets create a little illusion here. build a castle with me out of sand....the ocean will take care of it, don't you worry dear....
this is not deception. this is art.
lovers lovers....
there are so many songs about you.
it is really not difficult to make this special, dear. a little more style, thats all.
and of course it is not enough that only I make the effort, there are always two to it.
don't act as if you didn't understood, as if you didn't know. I know you do. others did before you..
india.arie sings my longing out into the black night. I miss you. I miss you so badly.
lovers lovers....
i am so frustrated because it is such a warm and beautiful night but the bare and naked truth somehow feels uncomfortable under the summerstarsky
its not the innocence that is lost but it is a transgression of rules that maintain the high art of making love. innocence is in my heart with all the deep longing I feel. I feel you do too. I feel you all do... do you, do you.....
-needs fulfilled the snake draws back. gold wasn't found. the treasures are hidden. knights used to find them. superheros. heavy hitters. dragons to be defeated, songs to be sung. poetry for sure is food for the soul. style for sure is food for the mind. a good conversation. mind sex....dead prez....thank you, oh thank you for that....
lovers lovers....
don't you forget that you won't be happy either. it doesn't feel good.
?where did my knight go to? Japan? Amsterdam? Frankfurt? Geneva? far far away__
oh when do you come back? when will the others ever learn? isn't there a way lovers can be guided by you ;-) all lovers should be guided by that one star far away up there...all lovers should know....all lovers should be artists, should be performing high art rather than degrading themselves to where they came from....
piranha ate her lovers :)
he could have been such a good lover
but for some reason there is something that makes this man an egoist all of the sudden.
love without affection...- nah!
you better watch out to maintain the delicate balance of energies here, you better watch out to keep this woman in good mood. don't leave now. not yet. lets create a little illusion here. build a castle with me out of sand....the ocean will take care of it, don't you worry dear....
this is not deception. this is art.
lovers lovers....
there are so many songs about you.
it is really not difficult to make this special, dear. a little more style, thats all.
and of course it is not enough that only I make the effort, there are always two to it.
don't act as if you didn't understood, as if you didn't know. I know you do. others did before you..
india.arie sings my longing out into the black night. I miss you. I miss you so badly.
lovers lovers....
i am so frustrated because it is such a warm and beautiful night but the bare and naked truth somehow feels uncomfortable under the summerstarsky
its not the innocence that is lost but it is a transgression of rules that maintain the high art of making love. innocence is in my heart with all the deep longing I feel. I feel you do too. I feel you all do... do you, do you.....
-needs fulfilled the snake draws back. gold wasn't found. the treasures are hidden. knights used to find them. superheros. heavy hitters. dragons to be defeated, songs to be sung. poetry for sure is food for the soul. style for sure is food for the mind. a good conversation. mind sex....dead prez....thank you, oh thank you for that....
lovers lovers....
don't you forget that you won't be happy either. it doesn't feel good.
?where did my knight go to? Japan? Amsterdam? Frankfurt? Geneva? far far away__
oh when do you come back? when will the others ever learn? isn't there a way lovers can be guided by you ;-) all lovers should be guided by that one star far away up there...all lovers should know....all lovers should be artists, should be performing high art rather than degrading themselves to where they came from....
piranha ate her lovers :)
Sunday, June 26, 2005
i m fallin
well, although i always had ambiguous feelings about this lady I grew to love her throughout the past year and whenever I watched the 'fallin' video I got goosebumps, you know, when she looks through the glass to her beloved one who is in prison and this look just melts me away. This kind of knowing look that says so much more than words.
it reminds me of the love I felt for my first big love whom I lost to drugs and schizophreny.
and it s been quite a while since I have felt this special feeling.
ah, ah, ah, ah I'm fallin.....fallin.....fallin.....fallin.......fallin.... I keep on falling in and out of love with you I never loved someone the way that I love you...
who doesn't long out for feeling that way? this special love? this veryvery special love that means the world to you? I know that the daily life of a relationship isn't meant to be heaven but work. and nobody said this kind of work wouldn't be joyful and satisfactory, indeed, I think in fact it is.
it's been a while...I feel as if I was in love in the moment but I don't know exactly whether with him or you...but it s good to feel every now and then that I am still capable of this feeling. it's, however, more of a longing that I feel, more like a dream, an assumption that lingers around the next corner somewhere in the future........
ah, ah, ah, I' m fallin.....fallin.......fallin........fallin.........I keep on fallin in an out...of love with you...i never loved someone the way that I love you, I am fallin in and out of love with you I never loved someone the way that I love you, I am fallin in and out of love with you, I never loved someone the way that I love you.....
what?
p
it reminds me of the love I felt for my first big love whom I lost to drugs and schizophreny.
and it s been quite a while since I have felt this special feeling.
ah, ah, ah, ah I'm fallin.....fallin.....fallin.....fallin.......fallin.... I keep on falling in and out of love with you I never loved someone the way that I love you...
who doesn't long out for feeling that way? this special love? this veryvery special love that means the world to you? I know that the daily life of a relationship isn't meant to be heaven but work. and nobody said this kind of work wouldn't be joyful and satisfactory, indeed, I think in fact it is.
it's been a while...I feel as if I was in love in the moment but I don't know exactly whether with him or you...but it s good to feel every now and then that I am still capable of this feeling. it's, however, more of a longing that I feel, more like a dream, an assumption that lingers around the next corner somewhere in the future........
ah, ah, ah, I' m fallin.....fallin.......fallin........fallin.........I keep on fallin in an out...of love with you...i never loved someone the way that I love you, I am fallin in and out of love with you I never loved someone the way that I love you, I am fallin in and out of love with you, I never loved someone the way that I love you.....
what?
p
HE and YOU
...is tall but not too tall
wears felt trousers and a skater pullover
has a ring in his nose. a beautiful one.
wears boots because he thought it might get cold and indeed it did.
likes to say nothing but has a lot to say.
sat all alone in bar25 and enjoyed it.
talked to me until the sun rose.
is very considerate, generous, relaxt and teasing.
is older than I am.
i love the colour of his skin. it is kissed by the sun.
is independent and very strong.
daring and insightful.
has a big heart. and did I say his smile is wicked? it is gorgeous, that is.
wears felt trousers and a skater pullover
has a ring in his nose. a beautiful one.
wears boots because he thought it might get cold and indeed it did.
likes to say nothing but has a lot to say.
sat all alone in bar25 and enjoyed it.
talked to me until the sun rose.
is very considerate, generous, relaxt and teasing.
is older than I am.
i love the colour of his skin. it is kissed by the sun.
is independent and very strong.
daring and insightful.
has a big heart. and did I say his smile is wicked? it is gorgeous, that is.
looked at me when we wlaked down to the bank as if saying: well. yeah. I know. You know. That was awesome and strange. What is it that one does with that kind of a night? Any ties? No ties. What does she think anyways? What is it that she wants? Any expectations?
maybe it was also a look of expectation. like, maybe...maybe... or better not, she doesn't seem to be like THAT kind of girl.... (aaargh! )
I cry because he reminds me of YOU. YOU, who I haven't met yet. Who might be him just as well. YOU, who I want to love unconditionally. whom i starve for being recognized by. it hurts badly. we had such a beautiful conversation and all I managed to do in the end is to slip a poem I wrote into his pullover. No making out, nothing, although I was feeling like it that night... I wanted so badly to be wanted by him. But without any help by me. Just like that. And all I found was deep respect and relaxedness. Too bad he knows exactly as good as I do that things happen and don't happen and that everything of importance eventually will happen. Too bad that I didn't dare to be more daring and more straight forward. He would have appreciated it too, I am sure.
I cry because I am dying to hear your voice and feel your touch. it feels like a missed chance... man, where are you????
I cry because he reminds me of YOU. YOU, who I haven't met yet. Who might be him just as well. YOU, who I want to love unconditionally. whom i starve for being recognized by. it hurts badly. we had such a beautiful conversation and all I managed to do in the end is to slip a poem I wrote into his pullover. No making out, nothing, although I was feeling like it that night... I wanted so badly to be wanted by him. But without any help by me. Just like that. And all I found was deep respect and relaxedness. Too bad he knows exactly as good as I do that things happen and don't happen and that everything of importance eventually will happen. Too bad that I didn't dare to be more daring and more straight forward. He would have appreciated it too, I am sure.
I cry because I am dying to hear your voice and feel your touch. it feels like a missed chance... man, where are you????
Saturday, June 25, 2005
FUCK RACISM
oh man.
just imagine.
fuck.
i am so down
oh man. oh goddess. how is this possible.
look, i need a job.
i am broke. totally. now that i am outa college i cannot live on campus anymore, there is no food and stuff, my scholarship was indeed a nice thing. nice and safe, i didn't lose any weight so to say.
but now this: berlin is a huge city. lots of cafes and stuff, but payment is really shitty. i am going to be a waitress again, just as a backup besides the portrait painting i am planning to do on the streets. I have never done that before so i have no clue whether this will work out or not, thats why i need another job.
waitressing.
okay. now, just imagine: i just saw, that in my favourite cafe they are looking for someone! I ran home, wrote my application and all that stuff. then a friend called, we talked, and as i told him that i was applying at this cafe he told me that there is a campaign currently going on against it, as the owner instilled a racist policy. as they had lots of troubles with drugdealing in the past every waiter and waitress now had to SUBSCRIBE a paper in which they oblige themselves to kick ANY SINGLE BLACK MALE out of the cafe.
:-O
I am speechless and out of words. it hurts and it is more than stupid. fuck generalizations. aaargh. it s so incredible. as if the drugdealing would become less. aaaargh.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.
if fuckin hurts. in berlin. i am so speechless.
well okay, now i am in big trouble. one voice in my head goes like: piranha, you have to think of you FIRST> you need money, so fucking go for it. later, as a lawyer you will fight against bullshit like that. just do what you have to do now to survive.
the other voice says clearly and very loudly FUCK YOU to all out there who are so dumb like dogshit and refuses to work in any environment that supports this kind of logic. it s no logic, but yeah, you know what i mean. i mean, there will be some idiot going to work for them, but does it have to be me? on the other hand i also could try to do something from inside. talk to people, convince etc. I am good in that, I know that. but thats a bit compromising. aaargh.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
just imagine.
fuck.
i am so down
oh man. oh goddess. how is this possible.
look, i need a job.
i am broke. totally. now that i am outa college i cannot live on campus anymore, there is no food and stuff, my scholarship was indeed a nice thing. nice and safe, i didn't lose any weight so to say.
but now this: berlin is a huge city. lots of cafes and stuff, but payment is really shitty. i am going to be a waitress again, just as a backup besides the portrait painting i am planning to do on the streets. I have never done that before so i have no clue whether this will work out or not, thats why i need another job.
waitressing.
okay. now, just imagine: i just saw, that in my favourite cafe they are looking for someone! I ran home, wrote my application and all that stuff. then a friend called, we talked, and as i told him that i was applying at this cafe he told me that there is a campaign currently going on against it, as the owner instilled a racist policy. as they had lots of troubles with drugdealing in the past every waiter and waitress now had to SUBSCRIBE a paper in which they oblige themselves to kick ANY SINGLE BLACK MALE out of the cafe.
:-O
I am speechless and out of words. it hurts and it is more than stupid. fuck generalizations. aaargh. it s so incredible. as if the drugdealing would become less. aaaargh.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.
if fuckin hurts. in berlin. i am so speechless.
well okay, now i am in big trouble. one voice in my head goes like: piranha, you have to think of you FIRST> you need money, so fucking go for it. later, as a lawyer you will fight against bullshit like that. just do what you have to do now to survive.
the other voice says clearly and very loudly FUCK YOU to all out there who are so dumb like dogshit and refuses to work in any environment that supports this kind of logic. it s no logic, but yeah, you know what i mean. i mean, there will be some idiot going to work for them, but does it have to be me? on the other hand i also could try to do something from inside. talk to people, convince etc. I am good in that, I know that. but thats a bit compromising. aaargh.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Mr. Asshole might just be Mr. Intentional (reference to Lauryn Hill)
what are the things you don't understand about yourself? the embarrassing bits? here is my example:
100% he said and hung up.
I know this phrase by heart. Still. Although it's about 3 years ago that it caused so much trouble. But still. It sounds so much the same.
I bring Eddy along he said. I use his car right now. He is a producer you met earlier. I never met Eddy but I am sure that one of the many fuckgirls of his did. The one who forgot her earrings on the heater at the end of his bed. Or the one to whom the girls shaving lotion belonged to in his shower. But anyhow, that is so long ago. I don't know Eddy, so why bother, we'll see.
I bet he won't make it said my Ma. He didn't show up whenever he promised you something 100%. NEVER. We actually did bet. I said he would. I was very excited. Gosh. How embarrassing. Mr. Asshole promises to come to my exhibition and I am excited. Thats fucked up. Really. And I even call him several times to explain him where it is, because he cannot call from his cellphone. He is a CEO of a recordlabel and a former Basketball player from the Irish national team. And I have to call him. Back then I also payed the hotel in Heidelberg. Because he didn't have cash. He gave me a cheque over 300 Euros when I was broke and went to France where I actually cheated on him. But I never used that cheque. And it took me another year to make him pay me the half of the hotel costs back and this only because I really did need the moeny. And he only gave the half of the amount as he once had invited me to a White Snake concert which had costed the half of the hotel room costs. I was so pissed by that time that I told him to fucking keep that money although originally it had been an invitation. I' ve never heard of an invitation that you have to pay way after. But it happens if the guy's real name happens to be Mr. Asshole.
Sorry, but I had to recall those facts. It makes everything a bit more absurd. What about the sweet other facts:
I took the weekendticket which is the cheapest way to get around in Germany to get to Munich where Mr. Asshole lived back then. It was a 6 or 7 hours ride in a sticky hot train. Nothing was too difficult for me to visit Mr. Asshole. When I arrived he took me out for a wonderful mexican dinner. When I did a handstand on the way back home he told me never ever to do that again. He found it embarrassing. The next day he hardly took notice of me. He started working without even offering breakfast. I probably should have done that. I am the woman, I mean, sure. In the afternoon he had some radio people coming around for some deals. I was hanging out in his office. He introduced me as J's cousin. DAMN. Fuck you, Mr. Intentional. FUCK YOU. aargh. Thats why you should never ever tell a real American that you are her fucking cousin. I mean, what the fuck, it s not my fault nor my effort that made her a star. Fuck her. I mean, sure I love her and all that but don't degrade me to her cousin. It's even not that J.is my cousin but that I am her cousin. You know. It's THAT fucked up. He promised never to do that again. Never.
Or what about the day he said I could call whenever I'd arrive in Munich? I was hitchhiking through all of Germany to get to your place Mr. Asshole. When I called there was this sweet ladies voice telling me that the person I have called is temporarily not available. Haha. I sat under a gate in the street. 2 AM in the morning. My first thoughts of breaking into your house I soon gave up as exactly in front of your flat there was a pub. I sat there and Ali came by. Ali was a Syrian guy who was genuinly worried by this little girl sitting all alone in the street. I had exactly 2 Euros left. He offered me a tea or so, as he was living around the corner. First I rejected but then I thought, fuck, if Allah sends me a savior I should comply to the plan. I felt that this guy was not a guy of intentions. Of course, we all do have them. But his were not the first cause. He was genuinly hospitable. The good old orient way of being it. He made me arabic peppermint tea in those neat tiny glasses with lots of sugar and we smoked Sheesha (the first time in my life) and watched belly dance dvd's. You never showed up that night. I slept on Ali's couch in his trainingclothes. He couldn't sleep as he was too excited. He woke me up at the exact time that I had asked him for. With a beautiful arabian breakfast. It was magical. He did what you only did once. He accompanied me to the trainstation. As I was playing a song for him at the platform he looked very sad and said: Why do the bad guys always get the good girls? and then he said something very sweet he said: I know you have a boyfriend and all that, but can I stand in the line? If this is over....can you call me? When I told you the whole story you freakd out and I cried. And it felt SO FUCKING GOOD because this guy was from Syria. Arabic. You KNOW. Mr. Asshole is republican. An Afro American Republican. He is the guy I spent nights with discussing these issues. He liked Bush because 'he holds his word'. -
Yes, I am embarrassed.
Now even more, that I was excited that he came.
I won. He made it. He arrived, but when my show was over. The vernissage was over and so was my little concert. As always I had freestyled on the spot. The first time in front of so many people. It was great. Mr. Asshole was late but it was the first time in our history that he made it although having said the evil formula of 100%. He thought that it was a real big commitment and effort what he had done for me and acted as if this made up all the bad of our past. He actually tried to persuade my Mom that he is not a real douchebag. Too funny. My mom was very amused. Haha. Too cute.
Eddy turned out to be a perfect stranger (as I had thought before) but a seemingly very nice dude from New Orleans. And he actually was really a producer. Which I give a fuck about of course. Mr. Asshole kept talking about how he wanted to make Eddy 'check me out'. He mumbled something of a new business idea and whether I already have a record deal and was apalled when he heard I wouldn't be in Berlin next year. NO i am going to be in L.A. Mr. Intentional. He kept talking about how he didn't believe me that my niece plays in a movie with C.F. and that when he met C. he actually said that he knows me. Sure. We are the family of K... So what. OH FUCK YOU MR INTENTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Eddy said, as I was mocking about how it makes me such a better person now that I have met Mr. F as well, that he used to hang out with Clint Eastwood and that it really is not a big deal. Thank you. But Mr. Asshole, although he claims this all to be a joke, talks too much about it. Names. Big names. Drop them. Be a better person. He talked about how we were really good friends and was really offended when I subsequently freestyled a song for him about what I deem to be friendships. He kept saying that he was my big brother (yeah one that tried to fuck me once...but...) and how glad he was to see me. Trying to break through my cool mask which I luckily easily found in order to stand this absurdity of situation he then said: what would you do if I took your beautiful friend to a hotel room and we would sniff some coke (Oh, but no, he doesn't do drugs. yeah, sure.), and then I would call you and tell you that. would you be jealous?
Yeah SURE I WOULD>
I AM embarrassed. more than before.
Asking my mom about her opinion about Mr. Asshole whom she now finally had met in real she said in a very dry way: Well, he has something of those producers who are always looking for good opportunities in the business.
Yes.
You are a Mr. Intentional. And oh, please don't do me any favours, Mr Intentional! Never! Ever!
cuz
piranha has her own teeth
100% he said and hung up.
I know this phrase by heart. Still. Although it's about 3 years ago that it caused so much trouble. But still. It sounds so much the same.
I bring Eddy along he said. I use his car right now. He is a producer you met earlier. I never met Eddy but I am sure that one of the many fuckgirls of his did. The one who forgot her earrings on the heater at the end of his bed. Or the one to whom the girls shaving lotion belonged to in his shower. But anyhow, that is so long ago. I don't know Eddy, so why bother, we'll see.
I bet he won't make it said my Ma. He didn't show up whenever he promised you something 100%. NEVER. We actually did bet. I said he would. I was very excited. Gosh. How embarrassing. Mr. Asshole promises to come to my exhibition and I am excited. Thats fucked up. Really. And I even call him several times to explain him where it is, because he cannot call from his cellphone. He is a CEO of a recordlabel and a former Basketball player from the Irish national team. And I have to call him. Back then I also payed the hotel in Heidelberg. Because he didn't have cash. He gave me a cheque over 300 Euros when I was broke and went to France where I actually cheated on him. But I never used that cheque. And it took me another year to make him pay me the half of the hotel costs back and this only because I really did need the moeny. And he only gave the half of the amount as he once had invited me to a White Snake concert which had costed the half of the hotel room costs. I was so pissed by that time that I told him to fucking keep that money although originally it had been an invitation. I' ve never heard of an invitation that you have to pay way after. But it happens if the guy's real name happens to be Mr. Asshole.
Sorry, but I had to recall those facts. It makes everything a bit more absurd. What about the sweet other facts:
I took the weekendticket which is the cheapest way to get around in Germany to get to Munich where Mr. Asshole lived back then. It was a 6 or 7 hours ride in a sticky hot train. Nothing was too difficult for me to visit Mr. Asshole. When I arrived he took me out for a wonderful mexican dinner. When I did a handstand on the way back home he told me never ever to do that again. He found it embarrassing. The next day he hardly took notice of me. He started working without even offering breakfast. I probably should have done that. I am the woman, I mean, sure. In the afternoon he had some radio people coming around for some deals. I was hanging out in his office. He introduced me as J's cousin. DAMN. Fuck you, Mr. Intentional. FUCK YOU. aargh. Thats why you should never ever tell a real American that you are her fucking cousin. I mean, what the fuck, it s not my fault nor my effort that made her a star. Fuck her. I mean, sure I love her and all that but don't degrade me to her cousin. It's even not that J.is my cousin but that I am her cousin. You know. It's THAT fucked up. He promised never to do that again. Never.
Or what about the day he said I could call whenever I'd arrive in Munich? I was hitchhiking through all of Germany to get to your place Mr. Asshole. When I called there was this sweet ladies voice telling me that the person I have called is temporarily not available. Haha. I sat under a gate in the street. 2 AM in the morning. My first thoughts of breaking into your house I soon gave up as exactly in front of your flat there was a pub. I sat there and Ali came by. Ali was a Syrian guy who was genuinly worried by this little girl sitting all alone in the street. I had exactly 2 Euros left. He offered me a tea or so, as he was living around the corner. First I rejected but then I thought, fuck, if Allah sends me a savior I should comply to the plan. I felt that this guy was not a guy of intentions. Of course, we all do have them. But his were not the first cause. He was genuinly hospitable. The good old orient way of being it. He made me arabic peppermint tea in those neat tiny glasses with lots of sugar and we smoked Sheesha (the first time in my life) and watched belly dance dvd's. You never showed up that night. I slept on Ali's couch in his trainingclothes. He couldn't sleep as he was too excited. He woke me up at the exact time that I had asked him for. With a beautiful arabian breakfast. It was magical. He did what you only did once. He accompanied me to the trainstation. As I was playing a song for him at the platform he looked very sad and said: Why do the bad guys always get the good girls? and then he said something very sweet he said: I know you have a boyfriend and all that, but can I stand in the line? If this is over....can you call me? When I told you the whole story you freakd out and I cried. And it felt SO FUCKING GOOD because this guy was from Syria. Arabic. You KNOW. Mr. Asshole is republican. An Afro American Republican. He is the guy I spent nights with discussing these issues. He liked Bush because 'he holds his word'. -
Yes, I am embarrassed.
Now even more, that I was excited that he came.
I won. He made it. He arrived, but when my show was over. The vernissage was over and so was my little concert. As always I had freestyled on the spot. The first time in front of so many people. It was great. Mr. Asshole was late but it was the first time in our history that he made it although having said the evil formula of 100%. He thought that it was a real big commitment and effort what he had done for me and acted as if this made up all the bad of our past. He actually tried to persuade my Mom that he is not a real douchebag. Too funny. My mom was very amused. Haha. Too cute.
Eddy turned out to be a perfect stranger (as I had thought before) but a seemingly very nice dude from New Orleans. And he actually was really a producer. Which I give a fuck about of course. Mr. Asshole kept talking about how he wanted to make Eddy 'check me out'. He mumbled something of a new business idea and whether I already have a record deal and was apalled when he heard I wouldn't be in Berlin next year. NO i am going to be in L.A. Mr. Intentional. He kept talking about how he didn't believe me that my niece plays in a movie with C.F. and that when he met C. he actually said that he knows me. Sure. We are the family of K... So what. OH FUCK YOU MR INTENTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Eddy said, as I was mocking about how it makes me such a better person now that I have met Mr. F as well, that he used to hang out with Clint Eastwood and that it really is not a big deal. Thank you. But Mr. Asshole, although he claims this all to be a joke, talks too much about it. Names. Big names. Drop them. Be a better person. He talked about how we were really good friends and was really offended when I subsequently freestyled a song for him about what I deem to be friendships. He kept saying that he was my big brother (yeah one that tried to fuck me once...but...) and how glad he was to see me. Trying to break through my cool mask which I luckily easily found in order to stand this absurdity of situation he then said: what would you do if I took your beautiful friend to a hotel room and we would sniff some coke (Oh, but no, he doesn't do drugs. yeah, sure.), and then I would call you and tell you that. would you be jealous?
Yeah SURE I WOULD>
I AM embarrassed. more than before.
Asking my mom about her opinion about Mr. Asshole whom she now finally had met in real she said in a very dry way: Well, he has something of those producers who are always looking for good opportunities in the business.
Yes.
You are a Mr. Intentional. And oh, please don't do me any favours, Mr Intentional! Never! Ever!
cuz
piranha has her own teeth
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
survival
First of all: Thanks for the encouraging comments! yeah, thats how it works in the bloggersphere. writing that furious post was really some sort of relief for me. didn't really want to kill that bitch in real ;-).
Yes, I did get some sleep now. 8 nice hours and now I am busy preparing my exhibition tonight. Man, I can't belief I promised to perform on the guitar, as well. Gee! now I have to and it fucking kills me. I am really afraid of performing stuff I am not 100% sure about whether it actually works or not. but hum, we ll see.
It was so crazy, I mean, in the end I hadn't slept for - wait - well, can you do the maths for me? i started working saturday 1 pm and was in bed monday night at 11 pm or so. i slept saturday night for 2 hours, monday morning for one hour. I really can't do the maths now, but it s crazy no matter what. I can't belief i made it. but it s good to know. my sister however, who is a nurse, really cracked up hearing that and she became kind of angry with me and said i shouldn't do crazy shit like that as it wastes my basic energy reserves which are meant for survival. but hey, that was a question of survival, sure!
crazy crazy.
anyways. the yearbook is being printed now, I am framing my paintings and you know what, I ll not think of songs to perform, I ll stick to my method and freestyle them right there on the spot. and if this doesn't work, hm , fuck it. i really have to let go of those ambitions...
otherwise i ll never perform!
okay. the last thing i have to do then is to survive wendesday which is graduation day and then i am off! some financial balblablabla organizing and then, relaxing, painting, dancing, making music, acrobatics...ahhhhhh all that sounds like paradies to my ears...
all the love!
piranha
Yes, I did get some sleep now. 8 nice hours and now I am busy preparing my exhibition tonight. Man, I can't belief I promised to perform on the guitar, as well. Gee! now I have to and it fucking kills me. I am really afraid of performing stuff I am not 100% sure about whether it actually works or not. but hum, we ll see.
It was so crazy, I mean, in the end I hadn't slept for - wait - well, can you do the maths for me? i started working saturday 1 pm and was in bed monday night at 11 pm or so. i slept saturday night for 2 hours, monday morning for one hour. I really can't do the maths now, but it s crazy no matter what. I can't belief i made it. but it s good to know. my sister however, who is a nurse, really cracked up hearing that and she became kind of angry with me and said i shouldn't do crazy shit like that as it wastes my basic energy reserves which are meant for survival. but hey, that was a question of survival, sure!
crazy crazy.
anyways. the yearbook is being printed now, I am framing my paintings and you know what, I ll not think of songs to perform, I ll stick to my method and freestyle them right there on the spot. and if this doesn't work, hm , fuck it. i really have to let go of those ambitions...
otherwise i ll never perform!
okay. the last thing i have to do then is to survive wendesday which is graduation day and then i am off! some financial balblablabla organizing and then, relaxing, painting, dancing, making music, acrobatics...ahhhhhh all that sounds like paradies to my ears...
all the love!
piranha
Sunday, June 19, 2005
fuck you! you stole my energy!
Haven't slept in wait - almost 35 hours. Amazingly enough I wasn't even tired in the sense that I would fall asleept every next second as I was working the whole time at the layout of the yearbook. It s pathetic but a matter of fact that piranha cannot do something without making some art out of it. Ah, don't flatter yourself old bitch, - buh, hum, you know....in my case it turns out to be a real economical problem. In terms of time, energy, ....
I have to add that I can easily do sth like that every now and then. No Problem, if you just SHUT THE FUCK UP and don't waste my time and energy!
This bitch is monumentally big in being a complete asshole. She needs to edit her movie on one of the TWO computers which we use too and aaargh, too much detail here. She just tries to make me a bitchy asshole too, blaming me of rediculous things, in the end we are competing whereas we should be colleagues!!!!I can fight powergames. I do. I am strong. I will spit in your face, no I won't I still keep a certain level of dignity but my words spit into your face. I hold the energy up against you. You feel it, you cannot fuck with me....And I just wanted to tell you bitch, that you shouldn t fucking waste my energy. you stole it. i would have carried on like that and would have bene able to work through another night to actually meet that fucking deadline for the copyshop if I could have used my energy for that and not for argueing with you and having to bear your fucking stressy vibes. fuck you bitch!....... but our fight showed that i am not mature at all. i yell back. i am furious. and waste energy.
after you were gone I broke down and cried, felt so much reminded of those old bad days when I was a kid and we had every day a fight like that at home. When I d come home from school and walk up the stairs to our flat in the third floor with every step my legs grew heavvier and my heart did so too and in the end I didn't even feel like coming home anymore. These were tough days in which I thought I simply forgot how to laugh, I mean, laugh really really...Like a kid, from the heart. Much later I always wondered what the fuck was so difficult about these times, I mean, I dearly love my family, all of them, I honour and appreciate my parents a lot, I love them, I do! So what was so bad about it? Why did I back then genuinly think that it would break my heart, that it would make me depressed? I couldn't figure that out, dear Ms. Permanent PMS, until today.
So thank you, thank you that I finally realized what it so stupid about arguements like THAT (absolutely wasted and not worth the time and effort) and how much they hurt because taking energy away. TONS of energy.
?
no i don't know either h0w that comes.
aargh.
there wouldn't have had to happen much until I would have punched you lady. you egomaniac paranoid.
period.
p
I have to add that I can easily do sth like that every now and then. No Problem, if you just SHUT THE FUCK UP and don't waste my time and energy!
This bitch is monumentally big in being a complete asshole. She needs to edit her movie on one of the TWO computers which we use too and aaargh, too much detail here. She just tries to make me a bitchy asshole too, blaming me of rediculous things, in the end we are competing whereas we should be colleagues!!!!I can fight powergames. I do. I am strong. I will spit in your face, no I won't I still keep a certain level of dignity but my words spit into your face. I hold the energy up against you. You feel it, you cannot fuck with me....And I just wanted to tell you bitch, that you shouldn t fucking waste my energy. you stole it. i would have carried on like that and would have bene able to work through another night to actually meet that fucking deadline for the copyshop if I could have used my energy for that and not for argueing with you and having to bear your fucking stressy vibes. fuck you bitch!....... but our fight showed that i am not mature at all. i yell back. i am furious. and waste energy.
after you were gone I broke down and cried, felt so much reminded of those old bad days when I was a kid and we had every day a fight like that at home. When I d come home from school and walk up the stairs to our flat in the third floor with every step my legs grew heavvier and my heart did so too and in the end I didn't even feel like coming home anymore. These were tough days in which I thought I simply forgot how to laugh, I mean, laugh really really...Like a kid, from the heart. Much later I always wondered what the fuck was so difficult about these times, I mean, I dearly love my family, all of them, I honour and appreciate my parents a lot, I love them, I do! So what was so bad about it? Why did I back then genuinly think that it would break my heart, that it would make me depressed? I couldn't figure that out, dear Ms. Permanent PMS, until today.
So thank you, thank you that I finally realized what it so stupid about arguements like THAT (absolutely wasted and not worth the time and effort) and how much they hurt because taking energy away. TONS of energy.
?
no i don't know either h0w that comes.
aargh.
there wouldn't have had to happen much until I would have punched you lady. you egomaniac paranoid.
period.
p
Saturday, June 18, 2005
the truth for you who judge by letters
I just found something beautiful in the bloggersphere: stace, http://www.cancer69.blogspot.com, has as the subtitle of her blog following lines:
These are the stories of my life. You may find things interesting you may find things a complete bore. I REALLY COULD CARE LESS. This is my place for written release, take it as it is, don't overanalyze, and don't take everything I say seriously.
well I just wanted to say: I submit these words! I am on! Thats it! Of course I am happy when you guys step by and leave comments, it is indeed totally great and a moment of joy to see that i have new mails in my mailbox with your comments, thoughts, opinions... sometimes comments of perfect strangers are so much better than of those you think you know. it s also great to actually get back to you guys every now and then and see what YOU wrote, it is such a good thing the bloggerverse, yes, I've fallen in love with it already. It s so good to share but not impose yourself, it is so good to explore without annoying anyone. it s the perfect mix of possiblity and freedom...oh yes, I could go on and on like this obviously ;-))
BUT, she is right in saying the she could really care less. Because this is the other side, this is the point. this is place for written release and obviously, as I am a newcomer to the bloggersphere I have to repeat what millions probably already have found out for themselves but I deem it necessary: read the upper lines and understand.
You, who mean you can judge me or know who I am or how i have changed by what I write, ....well, this is the truth put in some sweet lines, this is how it works for me, as well, and this is how it will continue. fiction and reality blended into one mix, the art of words....
ladies and gentlemen, welcome to piranha's planet of written release ;-)
thanks for being there anyways
p
These are the stories of my life. You may find things interesting you may find things a complete bore. I REALLY COULD CARE LESS. This is my place for written release, take it as it is, don't overanalyze, and don't take everything I say seriously.
well I just wanted to say: I submit these words! I am on! Thats it! Of course I am happy when you guys step by and leave comments, it is indeed totally great and a moment of joy to see that i have new mails in my mailbox with your comments, thoughts, opinions... sometimes comments of perfect strangers are so much better than of those you think you know. it s also great to actually get back to you guys every now and then and see what YOU wrote, it is such a good thing the bloggerverse, yes, I've fallen in love with it already. It s so good to share but not impose yourself, it is so good to explore without annoying anyone. it s the perfect mix of possiblity and freedom...oh yes, I could go on and on like this obviously ;-))
BUT, she is right in saying the she could really care less. Because this is the other side, this is the point. this is place for written release and obviously, as I am a newcomer to the bloggersphere I have to repeat what millions probably already have found out for themselves but I deem it necessary: read the upper lines and understand.
You, who mean you can judge me or know who I am or how i have changed by what I write, ....well, this is the truth put in some sweet lines, this is how it works for me, as well, and this is how it will continue. fiction and reality blended into one mix, the art of words....
ladies and gentlemen, welcome to piranha's planet of written release ;-)
thanks for being there anyways
p
Thursday, June 16, 2005
decisions you don't regret
because it generates some fire.
the eternal fire is kindled, you feel alive, you feel like a human being because dancing is one of the finest expressions of being a human, if you ask me. I felt his desire increase and start burning. his moves became ecstatic and the music just carried us away. when you stop thinking about whether you do something wrong or not as it is 'supposed' to be, when your body starts moving to the music, in the music, when your mind and your sould BECOME music, when the energy between me and him started vibrating I felt I was there. Salsa, dancing in general, is such a nice expression of love and desire, of lust. It is so playful, so serious, so explicit, so hidden, so civilized, so wild. I let go of my thoughts tonight. I strip my soul and let go of all the burdens that weigh me down these weeks. My hair moves in waves, the rhythm is echoed in every inch of my voluptous body. The women in me and I become one. As the hot and sweaty air absorbs me the only thing that counts is now the eternal flow of movement, of high tide and low tide, of opposition and yielding, of softness and hardness of leading, being led, inspiring and be inspired. It is the rhythm of live, it is the story of the fire that burns in us and which will burn us down in order to reunite us in the ashes from which we will rise into a new life, a transformed body, a transformed mind and soul, it will transform us as every and any genuine and true encounter with another being will transform us.
What is left you ask? It is the single left dancing shoe in a corner of a wooden floor up in the attic, a strayed sound hanging in the spiderweb behind the door and a wine glass with a red teardrop left inside, in which seeing eyes reflected the firedance in a burning gathering of sweating bodies and sparkling souls.
It doesn't matter how you look like. How selfconscious you are. How sad you are. How rich you are. How smart you are. If you only find the key to the part of your soul that makes you let go of all those restrictions, fears, prejudices, opinions and open you up to the music, the eternal sweetness of the lovers fight, the possibility of genuine encounter on a different level.
don't even try to ask her for her number or attempt to get her in your bed tonight. we all like sex. but don't think about it now. not yet, don't. just mingle in this tide, play with me, fight! let go of all those thoughts, feel with me, feel the vibrating energy, see, see, feel how it talks, communicates, how it it pure joy, oh so so pure, purity of joy. move my body, move it artfully. take care of me, inspire me!
maybe, later, when its dawn, we might think of something else. we might think of the other interesting side activities of life, ah which are simply life. fuck side activities. it s all about being 100% whatever you do, always, whatever you do. don't attempt to remind me of sex now. this is it already....
I am happy I went although I was so tired...
the eternal fire is kindled, you feel alive, you feel like a human being because dancing is one of the finest expressions of being a human, if you ask me. I felt his desire increase and start burning. his moves became ecstatic and the music just carried us away. when you stop thinking about whether you do something wrong or not as it is 'supposed' to be, when your body starts moving to the music, in the music, when your mind and your sould BECOME music, when the energy between me and him started vibrating I felt I was there. Salsa, dancing in general, is such a nice expression of love and desire, of lust. It is so playful, so serious, so explicit, so hidden, so civilized, so wild. I let go of my thoughts tonight. I strip my soul and let go of all the burdens that weigh me down these weeks. My hair moves in waves, the rhythm is echoed in every inch of my voluptous body. The women in me and I become one. As the hot and sweaty air absorbs me the only thing that counts is now the eternal flow of movement, of high tide and low tide, of opposition and yielding, of softness and hardness of leading, being led, inspiring and be inspired. It is the rhythm of live, it is the story of the fire that burns in us and which will burn us down in order to reunite us in the ashes from which we will rise into a new life, a transformed body, a transformed mind and soul, it will transform us as every and any genuine and true encounter with another being will transform us.
What is left you ask? It is the single left dancing shoe in a corner of a wooden floor up in the attic, a strayed sound hanging in the spiderweb behind the door and a wine glass with a red teardrop left inside, in which seeing eyes reflected the firedance in a burning gathering of sweating bodies and sparkling souls.
It doesn't matter how you look like. How selfconscious you are. How sad you are. How rich you are. How smart you are. If you only find the key to the part of your soul that makes you let go of all those restrictions, fears, prejudices, opinions and open you up to the music, the eternal sweetness of the lovers fight, the possibility of genuine encounter on a different level.
don't even try to ask her for her number or attempt to get her in your bed tonight. we all like sex. but don't think about it now. not yet, don't. just mingle in this tide, play with me, fight! let go of all those thoughts, feel with me, feel the vibrating energy, see, see, feel how it talks, communicates, how it it pure joy, oh so so pure, purity of joy. move my body, move it artfully. take care of me, inspire me!
maybe, later, when its dawn, we might think of something else. we might think of the other interesting side activities of life, ah which are simply life. fuck side activities. it s all about being 100% whatever you do, always, whatever you do. don't attempt to remind me of sex now. this is it already....
I am happy I went although I was so tired...
Monday, June 13, 2005
okay i changed my mind ;-)
now it is lauryn hill who i envy. i am really jealous of her....
does that sound familiar?
hm.
reasons?
she just does it in a very sincere way.
or so...
aaargh.
my headache.
am i whining?
i don't know
this is boring.
but her unplugged cd is just soulstriptease par excellence, i mean, what we do here in our blogs.....its half as intense..am, sorry, what i do here.
okay i admit
i am just..
aaa
in a bad shape
i was almost saying sorry out there
but, hey that is my blog
today it is more of a puking can...
p
does that sound familiar?
hm.
reasons?
she just does it in a very sincere way.
or so...
aaargh.
my headache.
am i whining?
i don't know
this is boring.
but her unplugged cd is just soulstriptease par excellence, i mean, what we do here in our blogs.....its half as intense..am, sorry, what i do here.
okay i admit
i am just..
aaa
in a bad shape
i was almost saying sorry out there
but, hey that is my blog
today it is more of a puking can...
p
Sunday, June 12, 2005
ps
I hope Seal and Heidi are doing fine, becfause I have this strange thing happening to me all the time, that if I say something about how good a match I think some people are or how cute a couple, something is mostly wrong then. They either are at the verge of breaking up or they are having some major issues. so, keep it up out there! You were just an example that came to my mind....
I admit it must sound stupid, but...
...I envy Heidi Klum so much. Aaaargh. She's got first of all such a gorgeous guy and second of all a kid and soon she will have another one.
Looking at my life I see that it is great, I mean I am really happy with where I went and where life leads me to and where I decide to go. But...
sometimes I just have this feeling that I don't really want to wait until these things will happen to me. I want to just skip the next seven, eight years and be at a different point of my life. Does that sound very weird? I know that the 'student-years' are supposed to be great and stuff and I think they will be great. I mean they already ARE great! But .....
I envy her so much ! I am JEALOUS! Maybe it will prove wrong, but I really think that SEAL is the best match for her. When I was younger I used to like Lenny Kravitz a lot but I don't think that he'd be a good match for anyone. Who cares anyways... ;-P
I want to have a baby too. I want to have a Mr. Wonderful at my side, I want to love him and build a family. But so far I have to deal with me being a young 22 year old stupid fuck up trying to find her way to you, you, who I am sure is somewhere out there....
I want someone like Seal....still.....haha...immature me....
Looking at my life I see that it is great, I mean I am really happy with where I went and where life leads me to and where I decide to go. But...
sometimes I just have this feeling that I don't really want to wait until these things will happen to me. I want to just skip the next seven, eight years and be at a different point of my life. Does that sound very weird? I know that the 'student-years' are supposed to be great and stuff and I think they will be great. I mean they already ARE great! But .....
I envy her so much ! I am JEALOUS! Maybe it will prove wrong, but I really think that SEAL is the best match for her. When I was younger I used to like Lenny Kravitz a lot but I don't think that he'd be a good match for anyone. Who cares anyways... ;-P
I want to have a baby too. I want to have a Mr. Wonderful at my side, I want to love him and build a family. But so far I have to deal with me being a young 22 year old stupid fuck up trying to find her way to you, you, who I am sure is somewhere out there....
I want someone like Seal....still.....haha...immature me....
Saturday, June 11, 2005
dis-appointment
well well.
what is this word actually all about. you have an appointment and then it is dissed. I mean, it is not met. so, well. I think this is really applicable to expectations or beliefs you have and when you realize that they are not met in reality you are just disappointed... This just happened to me, and honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed because it just showed me how stupid and naiv I still am.
See, I lived together with this girl in the same room for nine months now. We have shared our good and bad times, we know probably more about each other's flaws and gorgeousnesses than any other person around. I was aware of the fact that our good times were kind of superficial and the affection probably a temporary one, because we are both cats who can enjoy beautiful things even though they might not mean the world to us. Aren't we all sometimes pretender...But..but! I mean, I meant it! I love her somehow! BUT........I always knew that this certain 'basic feeling' wasn't given. You know, with some people you just feel as if you don't have to explain things, as if you've known each other for ever already and stuff. With her it wasn't that way but that doesn't stop me from liking her, right!?
But today it proved that when this basic feeling isn't there you shouldn't trust too much and also shouldn't care too much about a person. She was gone the past weeks as she now has a boyfriend and obviously doesn't need any of her friends anymore. Yesterday I realized that she switches people every now and then, although sge couldn't switch me, as we were living together and also because I don't attach myself as much to people as she does or her 'friends' are willing to do. Good Lord, I don't need anybody to go to the bathroom or the cafeteria! I am a maverick! I just DON"T like it! So today she was back and we started talking and suddenly she says in her cute cute high (I puke!) voice things that left me in utter astonishment. She accused me of the most rediculous things I've ever heard and mixed stuff together which does not belong together and basically I became so furious that I had to leave before I started yelling at her or beating her up.
I just FUCKING hate hypocrites!!!!! She is the ANGEL on campus, she is the sweet dancer aaaahrrrrrrg!!!! And behind the back of people she betrays her friends in that sugar-sweet voice. aaahrg, and I have lived with this creature for nine months and just wouldn't get it!!! When she says hello and hugs you she just doesn't respect personal space at all, she hugs you with her whole body, which I usually like, don't get me wrong, but with such an energy that makes me wanna puke! It s just so pretentious!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!! wah! puke! Go an get your energy elsewhere!!!!! FUCK OFF YOU HYPOCRITE! it s too sad that such a nice roomate story has to end like this, but I can't help it. She abuses this guy now and is ready to MARRY him after three weeks, although she fucking should know that she is fickle. ach, sorry, I just had to put this out in the bloggersphere, as otherwise I would have to scream here and I guess I don't want to do this. She is not really worth to have me screaming.
piranhhhhha
what is this word actually all about. you have an appointment and then it is dissed. I mean, it is not met. so, well. I think this is really applicable to expectations or beliefs you have and when you realize that they are not met in reality you are just disappointed... This just happened to me, and honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed because it just showed me how stupid and naiv I still am.
See, I lived together with this girl in the same room for nine months now. We have shared our good and bad times, we know probably more about each other's flaws and gorgeousnesses than any other person around. I was aware of the fact that our good times were kind of superficial and the affection probably a temporary one, because we are both cats who can enjoy beautiful things even though they might not mean the world to us. Aren't we all sometimes pretender...But..but! I mean, I meant it! I love her somehow! BUT........I always knew that this certain 'basic feeling' wasn't given. You know, with some people you just feel as if you don't have to explain things, as if you've known each other for ever already and stuff. With her it wasn't that way but that doesn't stop me from liking her, right!?
But today it proved that when this basic feeling isn't there you shouldn't trust too much and also shouldn't care too much about a person. She was gone the past weeks as she now has a boyfriend and obviously doesn't need any of her friends anymore. Yesterday I realized that she switches people every now and then, although sge couldn't switch me, as we were living together and also because I don't attach myself as much to people as she does or her 'friends' are willing to do. Good Lord, I don't need anybody to go to the bathroom or the cafeteria! I am a maverick! I just DON"T like it! So today she was back and we started talking and suddenly she says in her cute cute high (I puke!) voice things that left me in utter astonishment. She accused me of the most rediculous things I've ever heard and mixed stuff together which does not belong together and basically I became so furious that I had to leave before I started yelling at her or beating her up.
I just FUCKING hate hypocrites!!!!! She is the ANGEL on campus, she is the sweet dancer aaaahrrrrrrg!!!! And behind the back of people she betrays her friends in that sugar-sweet voice. aaahrg, and I have lived with this creature for nine months and just wouldn't get it!!! When she says hello and hugs you she just doesn't respect personal space at all, she hugs you with her whole body, which I usually like, don't get me wrong, but with such an energy that makes me wanna puke! It s just so pretentious!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!! wah! puke! Go an get your energy elsewhere!!!!! FUCK OFF YOU HYPOCRITE! it s too sad that such a nice roomate story has to end like this, but I can't help it. She abuses this guy now and is ready to MARRY him after three weeks, although she fucking should know that she is fickle. ach, sorry, I just had to put this out in the bloggersphere, as otherwise I would have to scream here and I guess I don't want to do this. She is not really worth to have me screaming.
piranhhhhha
supplement
-Queen: 'I want to break free' - I was 18 and hated myself beyond a normal level. I hated my body, I hated my extrovert character, not always but too often than it could have been healthy. There was no way I could have believed that somebody else could not be of the same opinion as I was.* Then we moved down to the city. The friend of my uncle helped us to move, he was from Tunesia and one of the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen. His eyes were two black sees in which I fell and fell, in fact it struck me so badly that I just didn't know anymore what to say or do. Lol. That happens to extroverts too, every now and then. At some point there were no free seats in any of the cars anymore except for in his and he asked me to join. On the way down he told me stuff about himself and put in Queen, 'I want to break free'.-
The sun was shining, the wind was refreshing, we drove fast and listened to this song. I felt something was happening, but I couldn't exactly put the finger on it. When he left he gave me his number. I never called, but I felt that something had changed. It is incredible, how such a little thing can change so much. But for me, back then, it was a miracle that someone I liked so much would also like me and not one of my -oh so beautiful! - sisters. This is the magic of moments in which eyes meet and talk and you are touched by the impossibility of the coincidence of love. It's, as if a little window breaks free, opens up your isolation to another individual and you meet there beyond borders, beyond reason, - I want to break free!!!
....Today, in the cafeteria this song came in the radio, and -wham! I was back there. I have a much healthier attitude towards myself now and I wish for everybody that they also have their moments of breaking free....
Piranha,
*This was maybe also related to my very unlucky love I had for a boy who destroyed himself with drugs systematically.
Friday, June 10, 2005
music that takes you all the way back
I'm sure that this is a common phenomenon: you listen to a certain song or album for hours, days, weeks and suddenly it's enough. You discover a new song for you to do the heavy rotation or you simply get sick of that particular kind of music...
Then, months later you see this cd or lp or whatever it happens to be, and think: gosh, nothing, I say, nothing in the world could make me listen to this music. You simply cannot IMAGINE listening to it again.
Well, don't think you can get around it.... At some point you pick it up again and put it innocently into the player, hit play...and ...wam!
you are back. you can smell the time. you can taste the time. you can feel it. you are there, right there, back in this life-situation which this music was the soundtrack for. Sometimes it even happens unconsciously. You just didn't realize that this particular song would beam you back but it does. You sit there, puzzled, leaving the now for the then......
ahhhh, these times, these times...let me remniscent a bit about some of these songs.....music......
Then, months later you see this cd or lp or whatever it happens to be, and think: gosh, nothing, I say, nothing in the world could make me listen to this music. You simply cannot IMAGINE listening to it again.
Well, don't think you can get around it.... At some point you pick it up again and put it innocently into the player, hit play...and ...wam!
you are back. you can smell the time. you can taste the time. you can feel it. you are there, right there, back in this life-situation which this music was the soundtrack for. Sometimes it even happens unconsciously. You just didn't realize that this particular song would beam you back but it does. You sit there, puzzled, leaving the now for the then......
ahhhh, these times, these times...let me remniscent a bit about some of these songs.....music......
- Gotan Project. Beams me back to sleepless nights working hard on my installations for my installation art, cruising around Berlin to get stuff, booze, chocolate, nails, lights, whatever I needed for the different projects I had. James borrowed me his gorgeous old Mercedes and his House CD's. For God's sake, I never ever thought I would ever go for electronical music! But Berlin taught me the better. It just fitted so well, it drove me far it drove me wild, my energy was set free and the Gotan Project sound accompanied me through some desperate and inspirational situations in this old abandoned house where I had my studio...
- Tracy Chapman. 2002. I just bought those NIKE running shoes to make a point for my running career. Hannover, running through the fields, listening to Tracy. This was a time when I loved wild and passionately persons who were far away. Omar, Paul,....Tracy just has sort of a stillness that draws me in. I admire her fiercly because she made many songs that do not care about whether it is cool or not or pathetic or not to write about social and moral issues.
- Wu Tang Clan. 03/04 Basel. Switzerland. I was in this school where everybody was as different as it can get from what I am. Middle class rich swiss asses. Holy Ghost! I just shut myself up in my music and banged my head to the Clan, trying to channel the aggressive energy that emerged whenever I had to face those ingorant bastards. To be fair, not all of them were as bad but I am glad I am out of there. To have artists around me just feels so much better!
- 'Summer Rain'. I even don't know who is the interpreter of that song, but funnily enough it is intrinsically connected with a certain smell 'Indian Summer'. Both belong to my oldest sister (luv ya Juli!) and characterize the time of my awakening to music, fashion and being a woman. That wasn't a small step for the little tom-boy I was!!! It was the time of my first serious crushes on boys (heya J.!) and also the time of my serious commitment to the Greenteam, a youthgroup of Greenpeace. Yes, I was and probably still am a little idealist.
- Fugees. . Atlantic Ocean. Summer. Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhh. what an innocent time. 'Killing me softly was ON, everywhere, everywhere....I was such a kid back then, didn't have any CD's or tapes back then, just radio and didn't know anything about 'rap' (huh, that sounds soo... is that music?) or hiphop. (ahhh, I didn't know how much I would fall in love with it later!!!!). But the Fugees haunted me. As well at this camping place near Bordeaux, where we had a great summer vacations with my dad (I love my dad, he is truely the best! This goes out to all the dads out there! Daughters LIKE to admire their dads!!!!!!) and fascinating personalities (simple teenies, but, yes, for me they came from a different planet) carried around ghettoblasters with the Fugees on....it was everywhere, I breathed it literally. Lauryns clear, beautiful and stunning voice is still very dear to me (also her Unplugged is great) and whenever I hear 'killing me softly' I am again this little girl, being fascinated by the 'grown up's world' and the beauty and mystery of music....
- Compilation 'Flower Power'. Somehow pathetic to listen to a flower power compilation but it was part of my education. I was maybe 14 or so and just started playing guitar myself. People started wondering whether I would like to become a singer, and of course I would be incredibly flattered but also not believe in it. Well, maybe I will eventually make the step out there on a stage, if this thing with the music academy in Los Angeles works out. I really feel I need another kick in the ass in order to get myself out there. I really suffer from this women's disease. You know, that many of us cannot take something out there, as long as it isn't 'perfect' and they fully assured not to fail or be embarassed. Terrible....Oh, and this whole flower power thing kind of opened up a new level of understanding for where my parents came from....Although my mom of course wasn't from the Hippie movement (but Dad) but rather from the beatnik's time and anyways more into her Alaskan songs than into anything else
- Bob Dylan 'Lay lady lay' . Spain. 1997 or so. Me, my two sisters and my brother in the car, fighting about minor issues. We had had a wonderful vacations with our dad again, driving through France, Spain, the Pyrenees. My brother, a little choleric back then, starts screaming against the overwhelming pressure and power of three older and smart sisters. It doesn't help. He starts trampeling against the front window of the car. It cracks. Dad comes back from paying the gasbill. Speechless. A thunderstorm and a heavy rain add to the situation. We are all thrown back onto ourselves. Dad puts Bob Dylan on. - Lay lady lay - ahhh.it goes straight through my body into my heart, fills my little universe with words, sounds, strings, and an obscure meaning...
- Dead Prez 'mind sex', ahh and all the other songs of that cd too.... Dead Prez, as well as Common and A Tribe Called Quest or Public Enemy shaped my true love for HipHop. 2003. My final high school year/first year college. Working late at nights just because I was such a lazy ass and basically never did any work until the very last minute which had me sit there for entire nights then, in order to get things done. I absolutely loved 'mind sex' because it symobilized first of all everything that I thought would be important for me in a functioning relationship (which I obviously did not have back then) (oh yes, and yet didn't have) and also what I did not have: my boyfriend (if you can call this a boyfriend) was a big huge fat asshole, 15 year major, CEO of a fucked up record label (sorry Bo!) and just such a fucking pretender. In fact, he was a Bush supporter, which should have made me suspicious in the first place. However, in my very liberate and tolerant way I even took that. I mean, we really had interesting conversation due to that. Instead of having sex. haha. the whole night. 'Bush keeps his word!" OH MAN, how could I have spent one entire year keeping calling this right-wing son of a gun who would call me a fucking nazi when we had arguments? (we had argument from the very beginning which was maybe one of the reasons why it took me so long to realize the extend of his fuckedupness) and writing long mails to him that he anyways did not understand? All in all we saw each other for maybe a month or so.I don't know what attracted me to him. My sister was maybe right in telling me to come to Los Angeles to see more afro-americans. I mean, it'd be fucked up, I know, if that was true, but maybe the very fact that he was afro-american (the american was the worse part if I can say so) attracted me to him. Poof....I know better now. Oh, how stupid can a girl be....nah....ah it hurts to write this down!!!! **
- Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix. yeah. cleaning houses for my aunt who is a real estate manager...HUGE houses. I say HUGE!!!! hours, on dragging hours....feeling FUCKED UP because I couldn't find another job. Well, I did have other jobs but all sucked. Somehow. Although - to see what it is like to be on the other side of an erotic telephone hotline was worth the trying. ;-) Janis just screams it out so nicely. yeah
- Ben Harper and Meshell Ndegeocello. 2004. Basel again. The artist loft. Anuschka, my lesbian friend and her flat mates, endless morning and evening sessions discussing, smoking (I didn't smoke back then, rest assured darling) and drinking wine or coffee or yogi tea. Jamming with Anuschka, up in the attic where we also had our first attempts of having a little band...I can't describe the incredible comfortableness stemming from this place. This attic is so special, and this not only because I lost my virginity up there!!!! It s all so beautiful..the memories...and the music, the acoustic stuff, the genuinity, the real life... We lived a dream, oh we did...
- Macy Gray sitting in the first room of my own. empty space (ahh, ever since such an inspiration to me!!!!! I LOVE empty space which invites my creative energy to take action!), listening to macy gray. ahhhh what a privilege...sexual revolution...hmmm.......ah yaya.
- last but not least: Tango: when I was 16 I drank for the first time in my life wine ( I know that this sounds as if I was a retard, but well, I am slow in my development and I really take it easy. I just think there is too much out there than to hurry. I want to take it all and I have to say that it was in many ways good not to be occupied by drugs or boys in my early teens, as it created free space for me to develop and pursue many interests which would otherwise have been sadly neglected....) I was still unkissed and I spent a whole night after a concert of my cousin in Stuttgart with a stranger of afro-descendance and his bottle of good red french wine... (yes, it's worth being mentioned, as we all have figured by now that the colour of skin, despite all denial, somehow matters, but I just would like to make it clear from the scratch that it also can matter in a very positive way and I am by no means prejudiced or anything I like many different guys and women, so don't get me wrong. I just love beauty in general and my personal taste or eye for beauty is somehow conditioned in a way that makes me love coloured skin...and not only the skin....). I discussed with him the whole night through whether or not 'true love in the moment' is possible***, and to be honest, this has shaped my entire love life that was yet to come back then. First of all I really fall very easily for coloured people (oh, yes, sure, also the green ones!!!) and I love red wine and I am still wondering whether or not 'true love in the moment' is a silly excuse for men to get their way or a real option....I am exploring this right now, so if you have any comments on that feel free to contribute to this process!!!! (in any way ;-)) - ahh, how this is connected to Tango? Well, I danced Tango Argentino back then and it was all very exciting to gradually finding my own way into the world of lovers......love, in any form, especially in the danced form and expressed in music.....and it always reminded me of that night and of 'Sun', how I called him every since.....when I had my first kiss? ah, thats another story. But really, all my love-related stories are beautiful. I mean, all 'first times'! but this, maybe later in the blog ;-)
this list could be of course, arbitrarily extended but I think thats enough for today...and the order is really randomly!!!!
if you feel like mentioning a song that means something special to you, I d be extremely pleased to hear which one....and also, as I am doing my first steps as a blogger here, feel free to critize!!!
piranha (right now listening to 'Saint Germaine'
** I was strangely addicted to that dude, because I made out with him despite all the described nonsense and I am still wondering what it was. I met him again, some years later and was incredibly relieved to see that I didn't feel anything for him and actually felt quite 'superior' in the sense that I could face him with dignity and consideration. He tried to make out with me although he is married now and has a kid ! (OH WHAT A PATHETIC LOOSER!!!!) and I was so happy to see that I am over this. I am a real woman now who can deal with this kind of men (that is, refraining from dealing with them as a principle) and, luckily I owe this partially also to another 'brother' as many of you would say, who showed me a much healthier way to deal with 'colour'...and see the colours of the rainbow ;-))
***and he was decent enough not to seduce me although he clearly would have made out with me if I had wanted to. I really appreciate this up to today and when I think back I think that I must have a real good guardian angel because I have gone through many crazy situations which in themselves were actually rather risky. I mean spending a whole night in a dark park with red wine and a gorgeous looking guy is risky in itself no???!
women....are not the same everywhere.....
she was 20 or so and worked as a secretary besides studying
.her prof was an acclaimed guy, 4o something old, had business in Europe, Switzerland, and liked his secretary a lot.
I don't know whether the flattering, the prestige or maybe just his handsome outer appearance convinced her.
maybe, he just was for her the exit of this society in which she didn't see any realy chances for herself, the exit to a better life. poor chinese girl. she soon was to become a woman. instead of letting her take German lessons right away when she arrived newly married in Switzerland, she had to work for him. At home, in the office.It is very convenient to have an accounter as wife. She had to take care of his son of one of his previous marriages. Cook, clean, oh, - i'm sure you know all the woman-works.
She was introduced to me as his wife, I would work with her, or, maybe, i even could teach her german. What about that. I wasn't an institutionalized German teacher, so wouldn't be able to harm him if she told me something.Maybe thats what he thought. She was a very willing and enthusiastic student. He paid me the minimum of what I required, when I wanted to raise the price (damn, I had to get money for my college!) she told me that she would have to work even harder in order to pay it. He let her work for everything. He blackmailed her in this way. His son was a monster. Spoiled. She complained about him many times. In school he was very aggressive, he beat other kids. Teachers were worried.
Soon I became her only female friend in Basel. I was very much worried. She is a very bright, lovely, adorable woman who loves the beatles. Who loves nice clothes but nice clothes she only could buy if her husband wanted her to do so and her blackmailed her with that. If you want this and that you gotta work more. I don't know whether he blackmailed her by beating her, too. Maybe he did that only when they had arguments. Or just for fun. He was a chemistry doctor. He already published a lot of things. He was quite rich. He told me, when they invited me for dinner, when showing me the flat, 'this is XiaoTings room, sometimes she let me sleep her too"
poor chinese woman. Has to sleep with this creep. He kicks her, beats her up. He is very choleric. He is mean. Today in the morning she called me. She could hardly talk. She hadn't written to me in a while, didn't asnwer to my mail. She was in hospital. Some wound in the lower part of her belly. Officiallly she said she hit herself at a table. I almost started to cry. What happened, Xiao-Ting, what happened?
Why didn't she go to China, as I told her last year, and as she wanted to? Her parents would have been so disappointed if this marriage had been proved as being bad for her. They would have been sad and they would have wanted her to come back. But in the same time she was the hope for them maybe. Maybe she thought she should stay until she got the Swiss citizenship so she could stay here alone. Life is still better in Switzerland, in terms of prospecs you have .... She didn't divorce yet.
Xiao Ting said, laughing, I am sorry, I always have bad news. I am sorry. I have always problems. But the people from the Hospital would help her now to divorce quickly and go back to China within a monthChinese woman. Chinese woman. Chinese woman don't get the job if a guy, with the same or worse qualifications wants it, too. This sounds familiar? does it?
women! women!!!!!
men!!!!! treat your ladies as such....it would make the world a better place. but then again,.....who wants it to be a better world, if there are easier ways to get around?
piranha who is very pissed now.
i would fucking bite this dude. I would punch him in his face
I would publicly yell at him.
The mask he was wearing, this polite "i am into important researches' attitude makes me wanna puke. waaah!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
this is a test
i just would like to do a test: i have just started blogging, in may or so, and am first of all not very familiar with how things can or do work here....then i wonder very much how many people actually stumble over this blog in a day. probably i should do some linking and advertising or so or whatever to make this blog known. but hey, i am not for being known but actually its kind of a relief to write personal stuff in the net, because it is so anonymous but in the same time not so utterly lonely as it is in my diary ;-). thats probably why i am doing this test i guess, just to see how lonely it is out here ;-)))haha. oh man, i guess you know what i mean, words are just a bit queer here....
so whatever, whoever reads this, you probably know this kind of curiosity i am talking about, so i would like to ask you to drop a comment (even if it s anonymous if you don't want to display your blogger personality), just a short hello, so i can see whats going on...leave some footprints here! ;-)))
piranha
so whatever, whoever reads this, you probably know this kind of curiosity i am talking about, so i would like to ask you to drop a comment (even if it s anonymous if you don't want to display your blogger personality), just a short hello, so i can see whats going on...leave some footprints here! ;-)))
piranha
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
this fucking dirves me nuts!
oh man this fucking drives me nuts!!!!!!
what a fucking waaste of time, to sit around in a 'discussion' about a - admittedly - ineresting movie, and nobody says something, except of the usual suspects for sure, and it drags onnnnnn and onnnnn. purity of boredom!!@! waaaah.
there is nothing that can convince me that this kind of thing 1. is efficient or for any good use
2. is to be defended
3. should be pursued.
FUCK all good intentions! fuck all those 'good'-humans, who see in everything the good side. aaaaargh. hypocrites! don't you see, how fucking boring this is and how much it sucks!!!! don't you think we ALL could do s th more interesting and useful and great during these ondragging hours??????
waaaaaarrrrgggggh.
I m in such a bad mood now.
piranha
aaaargh
what a fucking waaste of time, to sit around in a 'discussion' about a - admittedly - ineresting movie, and nobody says something, except of the usual suspects for sure, and it drags onnnnnn and onnnnn. purity of boredom!!@! waaaah.
there is nothing that can convince me that this kind of thing 1. is efficient or for any good use
2. is to be defended
3. should be pursued.
FUCK all good intentions! fuck all those 'good'-humans, who see in everything the good side. aaaaargh. hypocrites! don't you see, how fucking boring this is and how much it sucks!!!! don't you think we ALL could do s th more interesting and useful and great during these ondragging hours??????
waaaaaarrrrgggggh.
I m in such a bad mood now.
piranha
aaaargh
Monday, June 06, 2005
way back in february or so
...I went through some interesting patch!
as so often I felt that ....
I am scared....
I said too much
I said tooo much......
I realized that I was running away. I had some sort of run-away crisis... I was running away from things I didn't want to face, I knew what I had to do, I should just have started marching against all odds, as far as I would have gotten with that, after all.....
Heya! you can do it!
forget about firday and
saturday! forget about
all! forget about the
future forgive them all
okay
lmao* oh man that's so funny. I just found those lines when cleaning my room and I think its just remarkable how these patterns keep haunting us. well, at least me! I have those moments and then I go on....
lol.
well anyways.
maybe a bit more interesting was following feeling I once caught when I was having one of my cup of coffees in one of those crazy cool cafes:
'I sometimes feel like an innocent child
which is apalled by the very thought of having sex
there is nothing exciting about it
when I think about it
I am innocent
and pure
and I would like to stay that way'
as I have talked quite a lot about sex in this blog I think I should clarify some things here: I am not a praying mantis or something of this kind. I am an explorer of the sexual universe but this is just a part of my moon. There ARE conflicting desires inside myself which kind of take turns according to my various moods and situations.....and i still think that sex, when reflected upon very intellectually, is quite absurd. But, as my sister uses to say: we have a day and a night brain, and once my night brain is turned on I can relate to it perfectly! It's just something that you rather do than talk about.
sad sheila
you don't know where to go
you can't share any of your thoughts
you are left behind
because you took too long
simply too long
things have changed now
darling
it's too late to complain
or constrain
deliberate
darling
the seasons change
but they might return
it's not you
who sets the pace
living in a stormy world
means to meet special needs
and you just seem to fail
again
and
again
sad sheila
cat's gone and cobain too
just a different kind of nirvana
you might believe it's new
but it's just as fair as one deserves it
as usual
past does not anymore define your path
no past no more
you got to look a bit further than just hte shore
sad sheila
don't you complain
love is never in vain
but it can be faint
you don't know where to go
you kinda feel low
everything crumbles
stumbles
falls apart
it might break my heart
dreams. My Baby
tonight i had a dream about my baby. again. it s now the second time, and again, it was a boy.
this time, as well, it could already talk although it was so incredible small. we all slept on trees, high, high above. my husband somehow seemd to be worried about something. I think he feared to lose the throne. maybe we all were a bit anthropoid. I remember I actually sucked the reasts of my man and we were talking about how babys would realize that men's breasts don't give milk but if their mother's breasts won't give no milk no more they wouldn't get it. strange, huh?
anyways, I then took the place of my husband and he went down to do something and I saw my baby sleep, it was so peaceful and radiating and cute, my heart dwelled over in love.
then, suddenly, it awoke and looked at me. it crawled over to me and actually wanted to go by to another place but hung his arms around my neck and said hallo mama and kissed me on my mouth. i kissed him over and over again, sweet little kisses on the mouth, those childlike innocent ones. I almost started to cry because it was so touching. I loved my baby so much.
Thats when I woke up in reality and I remembered the dream I had several months ago, when my baby told me how much it loved me and that it would never leave me and I felt as if I never wanted to wake up anymore. I would have been satisfied dying then because it was so perfect.
Thanks baby, for stepping by every now and then in my dreams! I will never leave you and you are an amazing little boy....
the soft and tender momma-piranha
this time, as well, it could already talk although it was so incredible small. we all slept on trees, high, high above. my husband somehow seemd to be worried about something. I think he feared to lose the throne. maybe we all were a bit anthropoid. I remember I actually sucked the reasts of my man and we were talking about how babys would realize that men's breasts don't give milk but if their mother's breasts won't give no milk no more they wouldn't get it. strange, huh?
anyways, I then took the place of my husband and he went down to do something and I saw my baby sleep, it was so peaceful and radiating and cute, my heart dwelled over in love.
then, suddenly, it awoke and looked at me. it crawled over to me and actually wanted to go by to another place but hung his arms around my neck and said hallo mama and kissed me on my mouth. i kissed him over and over again, sweet little kisses on the mouth, those childlike innocent ones. I almost started to cry because it was so touching. I loved my baby so much.
Thats when I woke up in reality and I remembered the dream I had several months ago, when my baby told me how much it loved me and that it would never leave me and I felt as if I never wanted to wake up anymore. I would have been satisfied dying then because it was so perfect.
Thanks baby, for stepping by every now and then in my dreams! I will never leave you and you are an amazing little boy....
the soft and tender momma-piranha
Friday, June 03, 2005
this fuckin kills me. 7 past 4 AM!
The 'inner and outer freedom' clearly relates to the duality he depicts as 'opposing streams which enclose life unfold, as well as join one another with equal right' in Section 14. These opposing streams are, as he argues, the challenge of maintaining autonomy and individuality which a cities poses its citizens. ...That is, bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit.....
well well fuck it. I cannot really write this essay. it s too complicated, i have too little time. shit. i am bullshitting too, now... hm. what the fuck am i doing here? i have to develop a good thesis. well. working with a text doesn't mean to repeat in different words what is in it. right? it means, to use what is in the text to support your arguement. so what the fuck is my argument? i have no argument, except for, that , of course, the concept of freedom that emerges out of Simmler's essay is not a Kantian one. Of COURSE NOT! what a rethorical question.
so....i have to come to terms with that!
fuck it! oh man! shit! it s five past four. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
well well fuck it. I cannot really write this essay. it s too complicated, i have too little time. shit. i am bullshitting too, now... hm. what the fuck am i doing here? i have to develop a good thesis. well. working with a text doesn't mean to repeat in different words what is in it. right? it means, to use what is in the text to support your arguement. so what the fuck is my argument? i have no argument, except for, that , of course, the concept of freedom that emerges out of Simmler's essay is not a Kantian one. Of COURSE NOT! what a rethorical question.
so....i have to come to terms with that!
fuck it! oh man! shit! it s five past four. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
the bright side of the moon
well, just to reconcile me with myself i thought to push the button, and publish here the comments my fellow students wrote on me for the yearbook: (you know, just to make myself feel good for a moment...allow me the pleasure, and see, what those, who were closest to me during the last few months, think about me:)
-She is a sexy taboo-breaking mind-blowing portrais-drawing Mama (sor of like Matron Mama Morton in Chicago, just kiddin') want to read your essay on Kant and Aristotle (since you toiled so hard!)
-Too talented and crazy audcacious. Nothing is impossible for you
-Talented, funny, very energetic, very extroverted, and talkative; however, her general knowledge is not always good, and she often tends to be superficial and biased. (well, well! ;-)
-You amaze me everytime i see you bitch! you know i love you, bitch! ick komm da ma besuche, egal wo! (i come to visit you no matter where)
- she is german, but....she could manage to be part of Russian Mafia!
-The most acitve, energetic, and social girl I have ever met. At least one person who is alive here.
-love and energy are never spent
-somewhere in this storm of energy there is a very fragile heart, isn't it, meine 'kleine' deutsche katze?...(my little german cat) grrrrrr. ;-P
-Is there anything that Piranha will not make LOVE to? In 2000 years Piranha will be worshipped as the 'goddess of love' and all will sing and dance in her name. Piranha is immortal (well, well, if they make love to my music I would be already happy with that!)
-You're a hurricane! very loud, very strict, looooots of fun. You keep ecla in tones, thats great!
-russian mafia's slave
-very strong person, ecxtremely curious and positive. will have to make choices at some point, however, they'll probably be always the right ones because there are no bad decisions!
-Hm...
-How much energy can one person have/ thank you for wonderful nights out!!!! I'll really miss you! you brought some glamour to ecla! Kiss+kiss+kiss
-dynamism personified
-French affair have a song 'you're so sexy, sexy, sexy' well I think I have a right to devote this song to you! go, get 'em girl!
-I just lack words to say how much I love U! clap-clap-clap. THis is a person of 100 talents, the biggest one of which is to make people around her happy. Don't forget our rules and thanks for the amazing time we had in berlin there is more to come....
-a german emblem (huh???)
-so alive
-concentrate and you will do it! all the best for your! (love)
-my friend out of necessity, after all it wasn't bad, huh? You need a 48 hour day with all you do! my dear neighbour, I have enjoyed every minute of your company! always H&H ;-)
-fun, full of energy, super talented! the only 'corrupt' German I know! Viva! (haha, I know it was you Jane!) (She and I did sth very corrupt recently and as irony would hvae it we both want to work for the UN or so as lawyers, fighting for human right hahaha)
-a lump of nerves with a big, warm heart inside.
-the best guitar teacher ever!
Well, this doesn't sound too bad. And as i am writing this self-glorifying post now anyways i can add some other stuff that people commented on me just as well:
-I really couldn't describe how beautiful piranha is. She has a heart of gold! I will remember all our great conversations
-Few days ago I was asked about you and I really couldn’t find enough words to express my opinion about you!!!piranha, I ‘m sure you know this, but I will tell this again, you are such an impressive for all people who meet you!for me you are the person I love and respect so much that sometimes it so complicated to explain!!!all ideas and minds you have are such an interesting and I still keep thinking (even 1,5 year passed) of some of them and you are just so perfect for me, just an example!!!I love you so much and I hope I will see you again one day (huh, okay, this is a bit too much ain't it ;-P )
-Hi piranha , I just want to tell you that your song really touched me!
-I was even more astonished when I heared her playing the guitar and creatively inventing new lyrics.
-you should hear her improvised guitar-playing (with improvised lyrics, too!) (*piranha-smiles-embarrassed* lol)
-Piranha is full of energy, - seems like she alone could try to change the world, - that is the same sort of energy (at least it seems for me) as Michael Moore has in U.S., rebelling against the existing political capitalism. Piranha is the best woman guitar player I ever met, too. And in addition, she is... ah, just wonderful and helpful!
- She has got this spontaneity and positivity that make her shine
-You know, there are people you see everyday for years and still you feel them kind of... distant and then again, there are people you meet for the first time ever and after a couple of minutes you are under the amazing impression that you know this person since... ever...THATS piranha
-She is an angel, just instead of a harp she has the guitar and her beautiful strong energy. Her lyrics are just genious and full of love (AN ANGEL!!! ;-))
:)
so now i can go to sleep. knowing that i have to hand an essay in until 2 PM, prepare a presentation on some sad holocaust issues and go at 11 AM with E. to buy frames for my exhibition...well well....and all this after a danced-through night at watergate...
see, whatever all these nice comments are about in the end (and be SURE that there are as many, if not more, bad things to say about me ;-)), one thing seems to impress most of all people who meet me: my energy.
well, i always wondered WTF do they mean by that? and slowly i realized it. i actually CAN do this. dance through a night, knowing that there is so much to do and then do it. dance through a night and run 10 km. or write two papers and go frame-shopping for my exhibit. and this is only possible thanks to this energy which i happen to have :)
the sun is rising now. i have to start writing...
love
mjamani
-She is a sexy taboo-breaking mind-blowing portrais-drawing Mama (sor of like Matron Mama Morton in Chicago, just kiddin') want to read your essay on Kant and Aristotle (since you toiled so hard!)
-Too talented and crazy audcacious. Nothing is impossible for you
-Talented, funny, very energetic, very extroverted, and talkative; however, her general knowledge is not always good, and she often tends to be superficial and biased. (well, well! ;-)
-You amaze me everytime i see you bitch! you know i love you, bitch! ick komm da ma besuche, egal wo! (i come to visit you no matter where)
- she is german, but....she could manage to be part of Russian Mafia!
-The most acitve, energetic, and social girl I have ever met. At least one person who is alive here.
-love and energy are never spent
-somewhere in this storm of energy there is a very fragile heart, isn't it, meine 'kleine' deutsche katze?...(my little german cat) grrrrrr. ;-P
-Is there anything that Piranha will not make LOVE to? In 2000 years Piranha will be worshipped as the 'goddess of love' and all will sing and dance in her name. Piranha is immortal (well, well, if they make love to my music I would be already happy with that!)
-You're a hurricane! very loud, very strict, looooots of fun. You keep ecla in tones, thats great!
-russian mafia's slave
-very strong person, ecxtremely curious and positive. will have to make choices at some point, however, they'll probably be always the right ones because there are no bad decisions!
-Hm...
-How much energy can one person have/ thank you for wonderful nights out!!!! I'll really miss you! you brought some glamour to ecla! Kiss+kiss+kiss
-dynamism personified
-French affair have a song 'you're so sexy, sexy, sexy' well I think I have a right to devote this song to you! go, get 'em girl!
-I just lack words to say how much I love U! clap-clap-clap. THis is a person of 100 talents, the biggest one of which is to make people around her happy. Don't forget our rules and thanks for the amazing time we had in berlin there is more to come....
-a german emblem (huh???)
-so alive
-concentrate and you will do it! all the best for your! (love)
-my friend out of necessity, after all it wasn't bad, huh? You need a 48 hour day with all you do! my dear neighbour, I have enjoyed every minute of your company! always H&H ;-)
-fun, full of energy, super talented! the only 'corrupt' German I know! Viva! (haha, I know it was you Jane!) (She and I did sth very corrupt recently and as irony would hvae it we both want to work for the UN or so as lawyers, fighting for human right hahaha)
-a lump of nerves with a big, warm heart inside.
-the best guitar teacher ever!
Well, this doesn't sound too bad. And as i am writing this self-glorifying post now anyways i can add some other stuff that people commented on me just as well:
-I really couldn't describe how beautiful piranha is. She has a heart of gold! I will remember all our great conversations
-Few days ago I was asked about you and I really couldn’t find enough words to express my opinion about you!!!piranha, I ‘m sure you know this, but I will tell this again, you are such an impressive for all people who meet you!for me you are the person I love and respect so much that sometimes it so complicated to explain!!!all ideas and minds you have are such an interesting and I still keep thinking (even 1,5 year passed) of some of them and you are just so perfect for me, just an example!!!I love you so much and I hope I will see you again one day (huh, okay, this is a bit too much ain't it ;-P )
-Hi piranha , I just want to tell you that your song really touched me!
-I was even more astonished when I heared her playing the guitar and creatively inventing new lyrics.
-you should hear her improvised guitar-playing (with improvised lyrics, too!) (*piranha-smiles-embarrassed* lol)
-Piranha is full of energy, - seems like she alone could try to change the world, - that is the same sort of energy (at least it seems for me) as Michael Moore has in U.S., rebelling against the existing political capitalism. Piranha is the best woman guitar player I ever met, too. And in addition, she is... ah, just wonderful and helpful!
- She has got this spontaneity and positivity that make her shine
-You know, there are people you see everyday for years and still you feel them kind of... distant and then again, there are people you meet for the first time ever and after a couple of minutes you are under the amazing impression that you know this person since... ever...THATS piranha
-She is an angel, just instead of a harp she has the guitar and her beautiful strong energy. Her lyrics are just genious and full of love (AN ANGEL!!! ;-))
:)
so now i can go to sleep. knowing that i have to hand an essay in until 2 PM, prepare a presentation on some sad holocaust issues and go at 11 AM with E. to buy frames for my exhibition...well well....and all this after a danced-through night at watergate...
see, whatever all these nice comments are about in the end (and be SURE that there are as many, if not more, bad things to say about me ;-)), one thing seems to impress most of all people who meet me: my energy.
well, i always wondered WTF do they mean by that? and slowly i realized it. i actually CAN do this. dance through a night, knowing that there is so much to do and then do it. dance through a night and run 10 km. or write two papers and go frame-shopping for my exhibit. and this is only possible thanks to this energy which i happen to have :)
the sun is rising now. i have to start writing...
love
mjamani
d.a.r.e.
well, as you read this anyways and respond much faster to whatever bullshit i drop here i can as well answer you here: this is a blog. and of course you are not really a loser and all i wrote is an exaggeration to make it sound better for the blog. virtual reality is not real life, rest assured.
for one thing you can openly drop any comments here, directly, and explain me beforehand what you are referring to when you write me emails and then for the second you can check out www.bmxberlin.de if you wish to see the site i meant. and GOSH, just don't be offended by that post!
what i meant by saying 'i have to start doubting myself and my psyche is that I already did that and I am actually just amused how I myself, who admittedly also have had quite a high self esteem, have to admit that these traits of human nature are part of me. remember, this is the dark side of the moon and it is a side of the moon but not the whole moon.
maybe i am too analytical in the end and you actually cannot devide things in a dark or bright side, but what i am doing here is to explore and express in a literal way things relating to me and my life. these are drafts and not final statements.
so please dare to openly respond to an open blog. thank you
piranha
for one thing you can openly drop any comments here, directly, and explain me beforehand what you are referring to when you write me emails and then for the second you can check out www.bmxberlin.de if you wish to see the site i meant. and GOSH, just don't be offended by that post!
what i meant by saying 'i have to start doubting myself and my psyche is that I already did that and I am actually just amused how I myself, who admittedly also have had quite a high self esteem, have to admit that these traits of human nature are part of me. remember, this is the dark side of the moon and it is a side of the moon but not the whole moon.
maybe i am too analytical in the end and you actually cannot devide things in a dark or bright side, but what i am doing here is to explore and express in a literal way things relating to me and my life. these are drafts and not final statements.
so please dare to openly respond to an open blog. thank you
piranha
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