not so easy

things just haven't been gotten all that much better recently.
the weather reflects my mood: too hot and too humid, cloudy; a thunderstorm brewing at the horizons.
I am no where close to perfection in the things I love to do, I am about to lose a job that I grew to like, the economy crisis is now becoming a more tangible phenomena for me.
I just want a break for a change. I can't stand this anymore.

item

they look so good together.
and i still love his face.
know it so well.
and they look so good together.
i remember, when we were walking down the boulevard, and it was so obvious
perfect fit
people would stop and go out of their way to let us know
how beautiful we were
what a present that was
and now
little wing
fly on...

i am so sad, that my heart is breaking. the beauty of her dancing blew my mind, the rhythms swept me away in a swirl of life, breathing and exuberant joy. when i came down from those heights, slowly so, i felt for my phone and called Lilja, to see how they were doing. her man is in the hospital yet again and now needs full care, 24/7. they accepted him in the hospital only under the condition someone came to take care of him because they don't have enough staff. just imagine, what if you had no one?
and then, in a week or so, he will be staying at a hospiz.
my heart is breaking, it is crying into the skies.
how can something like this happen?
i know, i know it. and yet, it hurts beyond words when you know this person. this beautiful soul.
and so it goes. the gypsy cante taking care of the unspeakable, the realm without words.

but you are gone

listening to: Lhasa de Sela, Love Came Here.

The summer is soft outside, the leafs whispering.
love came here and never left
There is no end to this story
No final tragedy or glory
Love came here and never left

Now that my heart is open
It can't be closed or broken
Love came here and never left

Now I�ll have to live with loving you forever
Although our days of living life together
Of living life together are over

There's nothing here to throw away
I came to you in light of day
And love came here and never left.
Your gaze has settled upon a different horizon. I feel the void.
Sometimes a good friend will come by. Knock at my door. And ask about it.
And that's when I realize
Lhasa de Sela, tells it all

You told me that you'd stay with me
And shelter me forever
That was a hard promise to keep
I can't blame you for the bad weather

After all that has been said and done
I won't ask you where you're going
Don't keep in touch, I don't miss you much
Except sometimes early in the morning

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

I forgive you wanting to be free
I realize you long to wander
And I sympathize with your roving eyes
I just can't forgive your bad manners

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

it s hard to say anything. my heart is aching in the infinte and skies are losing their meaning every day a little more. swallows are flying and i feel how i am falling upwards into the clouds.
i love you
i love you
i love you

you took my man and made him
first i thought, uh, oh, just a hairdresser
but you are successful in what you do
and full of love and light and laughter
when it comes to him
so i go ahead and kick my time
lamenting the depths of this ocean
the depths of this unknown.

sick

i feel so sick to my stomach. my heart is physically hurting and all the embarrassment i invited into my life by making myself vulnerable and pathetic is creeping in cold.
yes man. i have failed. many times actually.
and yet, it is not enough.
i will go back and torture myself with pictures i don't need to see.
with connections i should have cut off.

it is the tragedy of his fall that took my breath. i am whincing and whining at night, crying my eyes out until there is nothing left. i haven't cried like that really, since summer of 2006. the whole family, just thinking of it makes me cringe.
under this aspect i should be and am to some extend glad, that d. has n. now and seems glad. with a proper apartment, to which his parents can come visit, with all the works and no sun glasses at night no more.

our story seems so long gone and faded. lets hope, that i will never ever ever ever have to cry for him or about him the way i have cried now.

taking one's life is such a hard thing to do. in every way. hard for the remaining. so hard for the remaining. hard for the soul.

i wish i could have said anything. something. but there is no words, they fail me and i am at a loss to understand what is going on inside and outside of me.

amen.

my heart is hurting.

childlike i let myself fall, getting up again, and fall.
the magic might have whithered in the mean time, maybe you are gone.
i trust in life and get up again, yet again.
i see the moon blossoming
into the dark skies.