beneath the skin

your fingers explore my hand. your skin is direct and there. it feels good. it feels like you really see me with your hand.
i keep my eyes closed so i can feel everything. the care, the discovery, the accuracy. your head is pressed against mine. we talk sparsely. he is anxious to get going but your hand keeps with mine. you touch him lovingly and reassuringly now and again. but you are there with me and i can feel it. he knows it. he accepts it. he really wants you. he knows what he is bargaining for. your golden heart radiates warmth. i feel cozy and slow. in the kitchen we talk about that man that i was wishing for while cutting my birthday cake. and how my lesbian roommate said she had wished for a woman while i was cutting and then you said well maybe he will be gay and i turn around and look at you and say, but i already found the perfect gay man. we hug. instantly and it feels good. i remember your fingers on mine. our skin texture works perfectly together. you say with a sigh, sometimes i also wish i wasn´t gay.
he turns away, half way pretending to be offended, half way being hurt. i hurry to try and fix things but in a very very clumsy way. i would have your kids, anyway.
beneath the layers i know
that we know
it is love only.

when you feel down and spent good vibes can really get to you. it´s a common misconception to think that good vibes can make things be good. in the contrary, i think when you feel blue, the blues will you do good.

the guy who never made it

this picture is the essence of what I have missed out on.

I remember the night you took me home and just one look and you knew what was happening. you stopped the car, i opened it and threw up into the bushes at the side of the street. not a word to ridicule me or make it funny or anything. you just stopped and helped me. Then one day, weeks prior to my leaving, you told me you´d like to take pictures of my home and me in it, doing what i do, singing, cooking, reading, writing, massaging -whatever. We never made it happen, there was too much going on I guess.
That night you joined me in the jacuzi - Salome left and I felt helpless, naked, unsure what was going to happen. Your lips. So sweet. Like honeydew. I will never forget.

Somethings are bound to happen and somethings we never get. There is this idea of you and I lingering in my mind whenever I run into you - every blue moon that is. And there is so much that divides us, the other girl, beauty, lack of decisiveness. Me knowing, that you and I are not cut out for each other for what I feel I am going for... But you are so beautiful, in your soft voice and your strong shoulders and your flaming into the skies.