priorities gone astray

it´s,. at times, the comic amusement that triggers me to do that. all day i don´t feel like it and then at night, i do one mouse click, get on that site and amuse myself in strange manners. almost feeling like staring at an accident when obviously that´s the last thing one ought to do.
sometimes i think, you better know real well, what you wish for.
if, what you want, is really what you ´d want, if you could get it for real.
so late, i sit, and spend my time. i´m so incredibly far away.

later

sometimes
I realize how much I still look
to see if I can find your face in the crowd, the edge of the picture, the reflections in windows in videos far away.
then I receive a message and I scan the letters meticulously, re-read it, re-think it. Read it again.
Surprised I cock my head as if to listen to a faint voice, echoing somewhere in the vastness of my heart. If there is. There still is. Something.
Later I notice how I kick the fallen leaves like a kiddo and think much love.
It is weird, isn't it.
Nashville, you sound, and, I blank everything out. Everything that could disturb this warm feeling that is etching my armor away, minute by minute, letter for note.

good to see you
see you progress
do, what you love
so hard, not to be your mother
not to be your lover
not to be your girl.

things have changed here
and I grow even stronger
I never wanted to
I was so strong already

it's so good to see your face
your hair
and your body

sometimes it is so hard
not to think
who you touch these days
and who takes part in all
these steps you take
i plowed the ground
with my bare hands
it hurts

I am so happy these days
only occasionally caving in to this
and
I am so

I am wondering
what all this means
still,
ain't that funny
wondering, if you ever waste a thought
or feeling
and if
if it's really just
a love gone wrong
a youthful excursion
adventure
they say
and if
it's really just okay
to let go
and keep going

implications

implications
fears
pushed away
shoved away
don't think about it
be sad later
don't deal with it
pretend otherwise

really
what are the implications
honestly?
without fearing to
lose myself in this jungle
of complications

what are the implied negatives
that i try not to assume
that my dreams gather and keep record off
meticulously
lousy cold the weather
and smiles
pass unaccounted for

what is the biggest fear
connected to this
utter rejection
betrayal
denial
gone wrong
done wrong
did wrong
so long?

things about
who I am
and what I mean to somebody
and what I believe, hiddenly, that I deserve
derived from who I consider myself to be
and what I consider to have done

like...it's okay to make grave mistakes
on either side
and hence
we
move on?

the howling of the wolves
from deep down
emerging unbeknownst
ever again

I sleep like a child, waking up to my own voice
sobbing, trying to trace the floating fragile images of a dream that is quickly escaping my consciousness. i calm down and listen to the cold outside, rehearsing to creep through the cracks in my windows and walls, like ivy crawling up the walls of time.
I can hear her breathe I can touch her back she is real and she is there so I can go back to sleep.
Outside the wolves are howling
and the wind is whisteling
and the thoughts are tormenting
and the feelings are invading
and everything is in shambles and shatters and fragments
the whole of the story has slipped and broke
in thousand renditions it harms my soul
with every howl it comes closer
brings that dark moon ever so close
shivering cries in the dark
echoing in the light of it´s frowning grin
fowl scents of rotten flesh wounds
catering to their needs
hurt, hurt, hurt they scream
Johnny Cash sings hurt
I cuddle deeper into the blanket
mingle my feet with hers
think of the refuge to come
of painting to be painted
of stories to be written
of nights to be spent
alone