my mother is the sweetest mom on earth. she send me a little card with angels on it that were painted in Romania (yes dany is from romania) and wrote something for me and dany on the back. I mean, she is the only one who embraced him right from the start without even knowing him...telling me to say hello to him although she doesn't know him, addressing him in letters and all that. it is so absolutely awesome. and she wrote a letter about love and you know, i have the feeling she just emotionally understands and supports what i am going through right now. and it gives me the feeling that she is willing to be a mom for him too and love him too and be there for him and care for him. thats it. care for him...
and i am so surprised that there is no holding back or resentment or criticism from her side, because usually i would fear that coming from her...
it didn't
and i love her for that
it soothes my heart, makes me feel so comfortable and loved and understood and supported and blessed.
thank you mom
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
live 8, Mana and me
allright. ALLRIGHT.
'
i was just going to post another post about me and being sillyly in love.
now don't get me wrong. love is the one thing that truly makes the world go round and i really think that every single. yes single soul here counts. (thats why I came here in the first place...to help my niece)
and there is always to be going change, just like there were once dinosaurs and now they are no more. or piranha was never going to smoke and then she did. or piranha wasn't expecting anything like that happening to her before she'd turn 24 and then love, from a woman to a man (as opposed to for example the love to this world), hit her by surprise when she went to warm weather but oh so cold Los Angeles.
one thing, that didn't change however, is my vehement and shaking emotional response that I have towards anything that goes on here on this planet that involves INJUSTICE, VIOLENCE, SUFFERING, CORRUPTION, DESTRUCTION (and no, I don't think that destruction is to be eliminated. it's in the nature of things. destruction, reconstruction....life, death...breathe in, breathe out. but there are most definetely things that i will never be going to accept. it's worth the fight, the struggle, the effort, to create beauty. and love. i am a fighter, after all. although i've slept for a good while in some way)
I came home today, having a hard time letting go of my Gypsy, accepting that he has to go and be with his cousin although he wants to be with me.
But, oh, how good he left.
I came home, everybody sleeping, discovered the live 8 Dvd's, stole some cigarettes from my sister and sat down to watch.
After a couple of songs I started getting goose bumps, then i started shivering like back in the days when i called Pedro or after my first huge orgasm with LA Williams or when I listened to MANA while trying to write an essay back in Berlin in my college...... and then uncontrollably sobbing and crying. I bend down and started crying and praying and oh my god, it might sound all so exxaggerated and whatever, but i start crying as I write that, again.
Yes, tears are not enough, I know. (oh Will Smith sucks big time. awwww. being brought on stage on a throne...'let me see whether i got some fans in philly. fuck. oh fuck that. i mean...in this circumstances...whatever....it s all about having a good time i know ,but come one already. he sucks... Brian Wilson right after him from Berlin...what a difference....oh yes and thats my Berlin...Brandenburger Tor...awww)
and this is exactly why I write this post now.
Strange, how this fits perfectly into this evening. I was talking with my Gypsy about exactly that today. About what I am going to do further..about how there was always pressure on me from the inside and outside to make it big and being able to make a big difference, thats is on more than a local or personal level...I've always felt that I would have trade in my vision of being a great mom for the vision of being that person...or vice versa.....
what i will do, next year, after Musicians Institute and being here for my niece. I fucking should apply to some colleges or universities somewhere on this planet to do what I have to do. But the freaking problem is I don't, I still don't know what I am going to do. Go back to Berlin because of the people there and the city? being able to study and play in little bars my music? (I don't see the point in doing that in America. the music scene here doesn't need nor feed me.) But I can't study law in Berlin, i'd have to go for economics. probably in that cool programme where you study one year in London, then Paris and Madrid...but I am FUCKING sick of one year things!!! it hurts!!! i fall in love with places and people and leaving hurts!!! I want to be somewhere at least for three years. but why will that have to be where gypsy most probably won't be
???
During our conversation he said at some point sth like 'so you will tell a guy about me....' - . .. !! how, how can you say that??? oh man. OH MAN. how. how? i can't conceive of that right now. I can't. it s fucked up.
- The advantage of studying in America or any college based country is, that i can do my bachelor in sociology/economics/philosophy and then go to lawschool. in germany i would have go straight for law and this for seven years or so....But the mere thought of being stuck on a fucking college campus with American Students makes me wanna throw up.
And the mere thought of leaving Dany makes me feel SICK. physically. I start feeling very sick in the are under the solar plexus. awww.
But I know I have to move on. We all have to. I've broken most of my opinions on relationships and love with Dany. I have become jealous of his past and his future that won't, maybe, involve me. I've become someone who wants to be ALL the time with one person, that is him. I've let him touch my soul AND my body. I've imagined having kids with him and marrying him...the last batallion is definetely my inability to comprehend how people could say 'i think i study in city XY because my boyfriend is there'. I'd always say 'fuck, man, go YOUR way, do your thing, don't make it depend on a PERSON!'
we looked at each other and jesus, this fucking went deep. minutes, without saying anything passed by. he said 'go to Berkely. it's one of the best universities here.' 'why' he smiled a little bit 'i'd be able to be there. we could live together'
awww. see, i start breathing heavily again, just thinking about that, this moment, this possibility. awwww.
oh god. oh my god. i start crying again. oh god. goddess. goddess...
to be honest. this sounds more than tempting. why not. but i know, i know, i can't. maybe life will lead me back there. but no. i can't. i can't. and him whispering in my ear 'don't leave me' doesn't make that a bit easier. o god.
i can't see the future and i am happy i don't. i deeply trust in life. it freaks me out that i have to make a move now. life has always provided me with opportunities and doors in last minute (but always thought of on my part in before hand but indeed it was in the end always on short notice that i got into the things i finally did) but i know that i have to plan ahead now. universities require that. sort of.
in europe i could get into almost any educational institution i would want to because i have a freaking good Abitur. I was the third best, i am the prototype for scholarships due to my extracurricular and social activities during highschool. i don't know whether that'd be the same here. and studying here is expensive. other than in europe where i could count on scholarships.
but thats even besides the point. it starts even earlier. me traveling. leavin los angels and for that matter my love as well, to be going to South America. Getting involved. Stripping my life down to what really matters. And oh god, love DOES MATTER!!!! but what I am talking about is my way of living. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be occupied by the kind of every day stupidities that i'd have here to deal with. there will always be everyday issues to deal with, but I want different ones.....I want to study more languages (yes and go to the respective countries and live there for a while) I want to be able to focus on what makes me shiver and shake and I am not talking orgasms here. Hell no. I am talking about what I felt when I listened to 'los desperacidos' by Mana when I was writing that essay. I had an astonishing clarity in my mind and heart about what I want to do in that moment. I knew I want to study human rights and international law and put my energy into what ever I can do with that.
listening and watching to live 8 now of course makes me think: what if I after all would focus on art? do the unexpected...(or do of course both, like Lars said, this guy who helped me with my final installation in Berlin. He knew me for merely a couple of hours but told me when we where celebrating after the performance that he thinks that I could study law AND be an artist or JUST do arts but never JUST law. and gee, i felt he is fucking right. thats why i am here at the musicians institute. to insure my sanity for the case i really study law. to be able to hit clubs at night and play to keep me sane...)
thinking of the empty rooms where i made my art installations in Berlin. of the power and creative energy i felt, the power of conviction and determination. expression. reaching out and touching people. the love to the world. serving the goddess of art. because thats what they do. my spanish dancing teacher. those live 8 performers. they have all a piece of the music/art and although they might not think so, but it's in the end not so much about themselves and what exactly they came up with but that they serve and that through them art comes into being and moves and touches our souls. and when it does so they did a good job. yah.
gypsy and I are the right couple. he can't make any plans and can't commit. i can't either. and we both long out to be able to do exactly that. live the simple life at some point. settle down. have a family. at least five children. the oldest would be a daughter with the beautiful curly dark hair and eyes of her daddy... but yeah, thats the problem...that my vision of my life does not comply with his for his life. his life is and will be music. and focusing on the personal difference. ah whatever. who am i to know....
awwwwwwww. okay. thats okay. que sera sera. but still....awww.
Remember sitting in my mom's car when I was 11 or 12 or 13, crying while listening to 'deep forest' and the innocent djungle voice in that song. thinking 'oh awww man, i am born white in fucking germany. it feels wrong for some fucking reason. i wish i was born in a tribal culture. be a shaman...or once i am here i think i have to save the rain forest....'
Remeber dancing in our kitchen to 'juluka and the sululuka band', envisioning myself on stage, sweating, dancing and singing out loud. to make that difference.
growing up and realizing i'd first have to invest in myself to be able to do that. waking up in los angeles and wondering what the fuck i do here. what did i do during the last years? I am not where I want to be. I want to be actively involved. ACTIVELY. gain more understanding of this world. finding my spot. my vehicle.
thinking of my spanish dancing teacher who LOVES the art and makes a difference right where she is. It's not that I don't understand that you can make a difference no matter where or that the so called developed countries need fucking development aid on a mental and emotional level.
I appreciate all that you do. Everybody has to do what their life is about. And I am just trying to figure out what MY life is about.
...
thinking of my sister J. and what she does. the big youth conference in Brazil next year july. what does initiaion have to do with initiative in our society in which initiaion rituals have lost their meanings (drugs, sex, rock'n'roll for that matter!)
I cry. oh J, I need you. Together we are better. What do you say????????? Yo've always believed in me. What is it????????
I am so tired now, all of the sudden. It's two AM and I am exhausted.
I pray to my guardian angel (and yes I do have one. You should've seen that car...we should' ve been dead. J and I) to guide me to come back onto my path. or stay there. please. I pray. Please help me. guide me. Be there for me. Be there. Show me. Please...
I don't want any money. I don't want that sort of good life. I want meaning in my life. I want to live it. and be there where it matters most.
i makes me fucking sobb uncontrollably when I see these pics from Africa. Refugees. Starving and ill children, human beings. War. In the end, no matter where. maybe i am just not shielded and hard enough yet. but i DO still SEE and talk to homeless people. and cry when I see these pics. maybe I didn't watch enough news because man, we didn't even have a TV growing up. It still hurts me. but also when I READ about minorities being treated inhumanly. environmental destruction. war. People being almost extincted. CEO's who worry about fucked up shit. Greedy fucks. Corrupted souls. Hypocrites.
Looking deep into my own soul
'
i was just going to post another post about me and being sillyly in love.
now don't get me wrong. love is the one thing that truly makes the world go round and i really think that every single. yes single soul here counts. (thats why I came here in the first place...to help my niece)
and there is always to be going change, just like there were once dinosaurs and now they are no more. or piranha was never going to smoke and then she did. or piranha wasn't expecting anything like that happening to her before she'd turn 24 and then love, from a woman to a man (as opposed to for example the love to this world), hit her by surprise when she went to warm weather but oh so cold Los Angeles.
one thing, that didn't change however, is my vehement and shaking emotional response that I have towards anything that goes on here on this planet that involves INJUSTICE, VIOLENCE, SUFFERING, CORRUPTION, DESTRUCTION (and no, I don't think that destruction is to be eliminated. it's in the nature of things. destruction, reconstruction....life, death...breathe in, breathe out. but there are most definetely things that i will never be going to accept. it's worth the fight, the struggle, the effort, to create beauty. and love. i am a fighter, after all. although i've slept for a good while in some way)
I came home today, having a hard time letting go of my Gypsy, accepting that he has to go and be with his cousin although he wants to be with me.
But, oh, how good he left.
I came home, everybody sleeping, discovered the live 8 Dvd's, stole some cigarettes from my sister and sat down to watch.
After a couple of songs I started getting goose bumps, then i started shivering like back in the days when i called Pedro or after my first huge orgasm with LA Williams or when I listened to MANA while trying to write an essay back in Berlin in my college...... and then uncontrollably sobbing and crying. I bend down and started crying and praying and oh my god, it might sound all so exxaggerated and whatever, but i start crying as I write that, again.
Yes, tears are not enough, I know. (oh Will Smith sucks big time. awwww. being brought on stage on a throne...'let me see whether i got some fans in philly. fuck. oh fuck that. i mean...in this circumstances...whatever....it s all about having a good time i know ,but come one already. he sucks... Brian Wilson right after him from Berlin...what a difference....oh yes and thats my Berlin...Brandenburger Tor...awww)
and this is exactly why I write this post now.
Strange, how this fits perfectly into this evening. I was talking with my Gypsy about exactly that today. About what I am going to do further..about how there was always pressure on me from the inside and outside to make it big and being able to make a big difference, thats is on more than a local or personal level...I've always felt that I would have trade in my vision of being a great mom for the vision of being that person...or vice versa.....
what i will do, next year, after Musicians Institute and being here for my niece. I fucking should apply to some colleges or universities somewhere on this planet to do what I have to do. But the freaking problem is I don't, I still don't know what I am going to do. Go back to Berlin because of the people there and the city? being able to study and play in little bars my music? (I don't see the point in doing that in America. the music scene here doesn't need nor feed me.) But I can't study law in Berlin, i'd have to go for economics. probably in that cool programme where you study one year in London, then Paris and Madrid...but I am FUCKING sick of one year things!!! it hurts!!! i fall in love with places and people and leaving hurts!!! I want to be somewhere at least for three years. but why will that have to be where gypsy most probably won't be
???
During our conversation he said at some point sth like 'so you will tell a guy about me....' - . .. !! how, how can you say that??? oh man. OH MAN. how. how? i can't conceive of that right now. I can't. it s fucked up.
- The advantage of studying in America or any college based country is, that i can do my bachelor in sociology/economics/philosophy and then go to lawschool. in germany i would have go straight for law and this for seven years or so....But the mere thought of being stuck on a fucking college campus with American Students makes me wanna throw up.
And the mere thought of leaving Dany makes me feel SICK. physically. I start feeling very sick in the are under the solar plexus. awww.
But I know I have to move on. We all have to. I've broken most of my opinions on relationships and love with Dany. I have become jealous of his past and his future that won't, maybe, involve me. I've become someone who wants to be ALL the time with one person, that is him. I've let him touch my soul AND my body. I've imagined having kids with him and marrying him...the last batallion is definetely my inability to comprehend how people could say 'i think i study in city XY because my boyfriend is there'. I'd always say 'fuck, man, go YOUR way, do your thing, don't make it depend on a PERSON!'
we looked at each other and jesus, this fucking went deep. minutes, without saying anything passed by. he said 'go to Berkely. it's one of the best universities here.' 'why' he smiled a little bit 'i'd be able to be there. we could live together'
awww. see, i start breathing heavily again, just thinking about that, this moment, this possibility. awwww.
oh god. oh my god. i start crying again. oh god. goddess. goddess...
to be honest. this sounds more than tempting. why not. but i know, i know, i can't. maybe life will lead me back there. but no. i can't. i can't. and him whispering in my ear 'don't leave me' doesn't make that a bit easier. o god.
i can't see the future and i am happy i don't. i deeply trust in life. it freaks me out that i have to make a move now. life has always provided me with opportunities and doors in last minute (but always thought of on my part in before hand but indeed it was in the end always on short notice that i got into the things i finally did) but i know that i have to plan ahead now. universities require that. sort of.
in europe i could get into almost any educational institution i would want to because i have a freaking good Abitur. I was the third best, i am the prototype for scholarships due to my extracurricular and social activities during highschool. i don't know whether that'd be the same here. and studying here is expensive. other than in europe where i could count on scholarships.
but thats even besides the point. it starts even earlier. me traveling. leavin los angels and for that matter my love as well, to be going to South America. Getting involved. Stripping my life down to what really matters. And oh god, love DOES MATTER!!!! but what I am talking about is my way of living. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be occupied by the kind of every day stupidities that i'd have here to deal with. there will always be everyday issues to deal with, but I want different ones.....I want to study more languages (yes and go to the respective countries and live there for a while) I want to be able to focus on what makes me shiver and shake and I am not talking orgasms here. Hell no. I am talking about what I felt when I listened to 'los desperacidos' by Mana when I was writing that essay. I had an astonishing clarity in my mind and heart about what I want to do in that moment. I knew I want to study human rights and international law and put my energy into what ever I can do with that.
listening and watching to live 8 now of course makes me think: what if I after all would focus on art? do the unexpected...(or do of course both, like Lars said, this guy who helped me with my final installation in Berlin. He knew me for merely a couple of hours but told me when we where celebrating after the performance that he thinks that I could study law AND be an artist or JUST do arts but never JUST law. and gee, i felt he is fucking right. thats why i am here at the musicians institute. to insure my sanity for the case i really study law. to be able to hit clubs at night and play to keep me sane...)
thinking of the empty rooms where i made my art installations in Berlin. of the power and creative energy i felt, the power of conviction and determination. expression. reaching out and touching people. the love to the world. serving the goddess of art. because thats what they do. my spanish dancing teacher. those live 8 performers. they have all a piece of the music/art and although they might not think so, but it's in the end not so much about themselves and what exactly they came up with but that they serve and that through them art comes into being and moves and touches our souls. and when it does so they did a good job. yah.
gypsy and I are the right couple. he can't make any plans and can't commit. i can't either. and we both long out to be able to do exactly that. live the simple life at some point. settle down. have a family. at least five children. the oldest would be a daughter with the beautiful curly dark hair and eyes of her daddy... but yeah, thats the problem...that my vision of my life does not comply with his for his life. his life is and will be music. and focusing on the personal difference. ah whatever. who am i to know....
awwwwwwww. okay. thats okay. que sera sera. but still....awww.
Remember sitting in my mom's car when I was 11 or 12 or 13, crying while listening to 'deep forest' and the innocent djungle voice in that song. thinking 'oh awww man, i am born white in fucking germany. it feels wrong for some fucking reason. i wish i was born in a tribal culture. be a shaman...or once i am here i think i have to save the rain forest....'
Remeber dancing in our kitchen to 'juluka and the sululuka band', envisioning myself on stage, sweating, dancing and singing out loud. to make that difference.
growing up and realizing i'd first have to invest in myself to be able to do that. waking up in los angeles and wondering what the fuck i do here. what did i do during the last years? I am not where I want to be. I want to be actively involved. ACTIVELY. gain more understanding of this world. finding my spot. my vehicle.
thinking of my spanish dancing teacher who LOVES the art and makes a difference right where she is. It's not that I don't understand that you can make a difference no matter where or that the so called developed countries need fucking development aid on a mental and emotional level.
I appreciate all that you do. Everybody has to do what their life is about. And I am just trying to figure out what MY life is about.
...
thinking of my sister J. and what she does. the big youth conference in Brazil next year july. what does initiaion have to do with initiative in our society in which initiaion rituals have lost their meanings (drugs, sex, rock'n'roll for that matter!)
I cry. oh J, I need you. Together we are better. What do you say????????? Yo've always believed in me. What is it????????
I am so tired now, all of the sudden. It's two AM and I am exhausted.
I pray to my guardian angel (and yes I do have one. You should've seen that car...we should' ve been dead. J and I) to guide me to come back onto my path. or stay there. please. I pray. Please help me. guide me. Be there for me. Be there. Show me. Please...
I don't want any money. I don't want that sort of good life. I want meaning in my life. I want to live it. and be there where it matters most.
i makes me fucking sobb uncontrollably when I see these pics from Africa. Refugees. Starving and ill children, human beings. War. In the end, no matter where. maybe i am just not shielded and hard enough yet. but i DO still SEE and talk to homeless people. and cry when I see these pics. maybe I didn't watch enough news because man, we didn't even have a TV growing up. It still hurts me. but also when I READ about minorities being treated inhumanly. environmental destruction. war. People being almost extincted. CEO's who worry about fucked up shit. Greedy fucks. Corrupted souls. Hypocrites.
Looking deep into my own soul
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
i adore you so much
'do you know how much I adore you, Piranha?' he said.
his voice like velvet. ...haha. okay i stop being that pathetically romantic or whatever...his voice is just kick ass cool man! it s so lovely. adorable. that is.
'and adoring is something else than to love, you know... and you are lucky because you have both! i love and adore you so much piranha, you have no idea'
'well, what does adore exactly mean?' i asked
'it's like i want to eat you up ... - do you know this expression? like a little baby. you are so adorable and so hot and so beautiful but don't tell anybody because otherwise they gonna think you are full of yourself...and...you know, it s a secret...'
and, he added, 'i don't usually adore...you know...young ladies...' he laughed....'you know'....
i took a deep breathe. i know why he said that....today, in the morning he told me something about another girl he was with last year....he usually doesn't do that but it was just like minor...nothing special....but gosh, i suddenly felt a rush of jealousy to my head....my heart....and later, in the car i was suddenly thinking about the future and i felt like 'i really don't wanna know the woman he will be marrying and have family with. usually i do say, i am so curious who this will be and i wanna get to know her. i DON'T. it made me feel sick. when he asked me whats wrong i didn't want to tell him cuz it s so stupid in a way but then he finally made me say it and all i could say was just
'gosh, i am the least jealous person on the planet, usuallly...but i really feel jealous about your past and future. it makes me feel so... strange...sad....jealous...upset....'
'it s US now, piranha' he simply said and i know he is right...the only reality we will ever really have is the NOW. never the THEN....
I smiled into the silence.
I don't know why but you make me be that way. Thats what justifies everything.
And I adore you so much, and I love you so much, as well.
And, dear ladies and gentlemen, isn't that now a very very fortunate co-incidence?????!!!!
Piranha is smiling again....The gypsy was visiting yesterday and I gave him the bracelet I made for him and it was the one and only present that would have made him really happy. because anything else would have made him feel uncomfortable because he didn't have money to buy something for me. now he has my love-bracelet around his arm and can always look at it and feel my love.... ;-)
hehe. it s even better than a t-shirt because t-shirts you have to change every now and then but braclets not!!!!! *smiles wittiful*
a very strange thing was that his other two bracelets fell off this night. one by his mom and the other one was one that he made out of a necklace of a guy who stole his car and whom he and his cousins beat up when they found him....
so my bracelet unfolds its power already and shows good effects...yeah!!! good job!~!!!!!!!
yes, my lovely gypsy i adore you THAT much.
his voice like velvet. ...haha. okay i stop being that pathetically romantic or whatever...his voice is just kick ass cool man! it s so lovely. adorable. that is.
'and adoring is something else than to love, you know... and you are lucky because you have both! i love and adore you so much piranha, you have no idea'
'well, what does adore exactly mean?' i asked
'it's like i want to eat you up ... - do you know this expression? like a little baby. you are so adorable and so hot and so beautiful but don't tell anybody because otherwise they gonna think you are full of yourself...and...you know, it s a secret...'
and, he added, 'i don't usually adore...you know...young ladies...' he laughed....'you know'....
i took a deep breathe. i know why he said that....today, in the morning he told me something about another girl he was with last year....he usually doesn't do that but it was just like minor...nothing special....but gosh, i suddenly felt a rush of jealousy to my head....my heart....and later, in the car i was suddenly thinking about the future and i felt like 'i really don't wanna know the woman he will be marrying and have family with. usually i do say, i am so curious who this will be and i wanna get to know her. i DON'T. it made me feel sick. when he asked me whats wrong i didn't want to tell him cuz it s so stupid in a way but then he finally made me say it and all i could say was just
'gosh, i am the least jealous person on the planet, usuallly...but i really feel jealous about your past and future. it makes me feel so... strange...sad....jealous...upset....'
'it s US now, piranha' he simply said and i know he is right...the only reality we will ever really have is the NOW. never the THEN....
I smiled into the silence.
I don't know why but you make me be that way. Thats what justifies everything.
And I adore you so much, and I love you so much, as well.
And, dear ladies and gentlemen, isn't that now a very very fortunate co-incidence?????!!!!
Piranha is smiling again....The gypsy was visiting yesterday and I gave him the bracelet I made for him and it was the one and only present that would have made him really happy. because anything else would have made him feel uncomfortable because he didn't have money to buy something for me. now he has my love-bracelet around his arm and can always look at it and feel my love.... ;-)
hehe. it s even better than a t-shirt because t-shirts you have to change every now and then but braclets not!!!!! *smiles wittiful*
a very strange thing was that his other two bracelets fell off this night. one by his mom and the other one was one that he made out of a necklace of a guy who stole his car and whom he and his cousins beat up when they found him....
so my bracelet unfolds its power already and shows good effects...yeah!!! good job!~!!!!!!!
yes, my lovely gypsy i adore you THAT much.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
do tears nourish love like my garden plants or shit?
damn, i wonder why i am so fucking emotional.
there are several reasons that would explain it away:
1. I am freakin piscies
2. I am PMS-ing (but that counts only half way cuz i've been crying out of my PMS days too)
3. I am over reacting, hysterical, extreme
maybe i am just in love. and try to look for the exit door but man, it sucks to even think about it!
i just 'talked' to dany on the phone. he was apparently just hanging out with his cousins *insert annoyed face here* and - didn't talk. after my first waterfall of words about what Santa Claus brought me (a really cool jacket, jeans and sexy shirt) I stopped saying things too and so we spent some minutes saying nothing, and damn right, i refused saying something just as I did back in the days with my best friend B. whom I wanted to force saying things by being mute on the phone. (didn't work either)
so he asks m e finally whether he can call me back later, like in 20 min or later that night (yeah right, I'd be surprised if you really did call after all) and i say sure thats ok, yeah i am so whatever. then i hang up and there are just tears running down my face and some stupid sobs coming out my chest and I think gosh, WTF, whats happening....so i walk and walk until i calm down. i think gee, i gotta just respect that it is like that. I have no clue about his relation to the cousins and whatever is going on and when he can't tell, god, then thats what i have to deal with right? *sighs* i just think of how cool i had a conversation about god and the world just a few hours ago - with KEITA. jesus. whatever?!? why do i have to be cool with complicated people? i thought he wasn't complicated. haha. man, piranha, of course he is. you only fall in love with complicated weirdos.
then he wrote me a message like he is so pissed off and bored.
and all i think is: wouldn't your big cousin john do what he really wants to and give a fuck?
wouldn't anybody do that?
when do you grow up?
whats the matter?
but i don't wanna be a stupid girlfriend. i just write back that he should come then and see me or call me and go for a walk. and that it s cool and i love him.
bla
you know.....damnit!
then i think back to all the times i cried with him and i realize damn, it s been quite a few times already. once when he said he'd leave in three months, once in his car when i didn't know why exactly, oh i knew why, because i made myself imagine being in love with other people because it scared the hell out of me to think i am actually really in love with him and then when he said he'd have to die early and then when he called me at six AM when he almost got alcohol poisoned after his cousins 18 birthday in a stripclub and hotelroom and now again....
gee i am such a pussy
or do you think that maybe....tears just show....that i .... i don't know?
there are several reasons that would explain it away:
1. I am freakin piscies
2. I am PMS-ing (but that counts only half way cuz i've been crying out of my PMS days too)
3. I am over reacting, hysterical, extreme
maybe i am just in love. and try to look for the exit door but man, it sucks to even think about it!
i just 'talked' to dany on the phone. he was apparently just hanging out with his cousins *insert annoyed face here* and - didn't talk. after my first waterfall of words about what Santa Claus brought me (a really cool jacket, jeans and sexy shirt) I stopped saying things too and so we spent some minutes saying nothing, and damn right, i refused saying something just as I did back in the days with my best friend B. whom I wanted to force saying things by being mute on the phone. (didn't work either)
so he asks m e finally whether he can call me back later, like in 20 min or later that night (yeah right, I'd be surprised if you really did call after all) and i say sure thats ok, yeah i am so whatever. then i hang up and there are just tears running down my face and some stupid sobs coming out my chest and I think gosh, WTF, whats happening....so i walk and walk until i calm down. i think gee, i gotta just respect that it is like that. I have no clue about his relation to the cousins and whatever is going on and when he can't tell, god, then thats what i have to deal with right? *sighs* i just think of how cool i had a conversation about god and the world just a few hours ago - with KEITA. jesus. whatever?!? why do i have to be cool with complicated people? i thought he wasn't complicated. haha. man, piranha, of course he is. you only fall in love with complicated weirdos.
then he wrote me a message like he is so pissed off and bored.
and all i think is: wouldn't your big cousin john do what he really wants to and give a fuck?
wouldn't anybody do that?
when do you grow up?
whats the matter?
but i don't wanna be a stupid girlfriend. i just write back that he should come then and see me or call me and go for a walk. and that it s cool and i love him.
bla
you know.....damnit!
then i think back to all the times i cried with him and i realize damn, it s been quite a few times already. once when he said he'd leave in three months, once in his car when i didn't know why exactly, oh i knew why, because i made myself imagine being in love with other people because it scared the hell out of me to think i am actually really in love with him and then when he said he'd have to die early and then when he called me at six AM when he almost got alcohol poisoned after his cousins 18 birthday in a stripclub and hotelroom and now again....
gee i am such a pussy
or do you think that maybe....tears just show....that i .... i don't know?
white. and eternity loves beauty
click in the post to find introspectre. she kicks ass!
so yeah i got sick of the black template for my blog. i go with white now. fuck whatever.
i am sitting at a - STARBUCKS. haha. fuck Starbucks. but whatever they have internet so here we go. actually its a nice little outdoor protected backyard thing so man, whatever, nothing can compete with Berlin Cafes so I'll be satisfied with that for now. I actually think, you know, that you always should make an effort to make things beautiful. Ask for a porcellan cup instead of letting them give you a freakin to go thing. FUCK TO GO! I mean, hey, do you actually ever think about HOW MUCH GARBAGE the states generate on a daily basis ONLY for beverages and food? GEE!
Or asking for candles. Or finding a nice spot to sit in a little alley or so. Or COOKING instead of ahm, throw something into the FUCKING MICROWAVE. Or walking instead of driving. you know what I mean?
I remember that day in Roma, when two friends of mine and I were going to have a nice dinner in TRASTEVERE, south Rom. We bought Wine, Cheese, Grapes, Bread, Olives, the nice stuff.
Then we were there and damn were we hungry, we had been in Perugia the whole day and yeah, HUNGRY. So I was like "lets find a really romantic nice spot" but we didn't. My friends were like "lets just sit here on the sidewalk but they should have known me better. I made them walk around like crazy until we found that church, beautiful place. Then they wanted to straight away eat. I was like 'NOPE, lets find candles first!" Thats when they got a little frustrated "come on PIRANHA, take it easy, lets just eat."
They should have known me better.
I ran in every restaurant I found nearby and asked for candles. I came back with a whole bunch of them.
Then we displayed the food on my marvellous multifunctional scarf/headwrap/skirt/handkerchief/poncho/blanket and Zeynep was like 'oh, this bread would be so good with oliveoil."
HA, she shouldn't have said that, hungry as she was. But I insisted on finding oliveoil and now, of course you can't buy oliveoil at midnight but you can ask at a restaurant whether they d pour some oil on your bread! There we go...And the guitar I had carried all along the way (and yeah that was worth the effort TOO!) turned out to be very useful: we sang together, and gosh, singing elevates the soul, music does! so it was beautiful! and then those old sicilian guys who came and performed songs for us on my guitar...wow...that was SO SPECIAL and joyful!!!!!
And I don't know about you, Mira, but I will never forget that evening. And the learning lesson of that was: you can't make enough an effort to make it beautiful. Because when you do, you'll create a moment for eternity.
Eternity loves beauty
Beauty is eternity.
The same applies for ourselves, if you ask me. WE are meant to be human beings but we'd be wrong in assuming it comes inclusive the package. Just think about the stories about kids who grow up with animals. We are amazingly adaptable. We can grow. We can be incredible fast runners, high jumpers, rock climbers, scuba divers, swimmers, musicians, architects, artists, scientists, all that. We can specialize in whatever we want. Animals can't.
So how comes we think we actually ARE human beings in the first place, I mean, human beings in the higher meaning of the word (whatever that means for you)?
We can develop. We can change. We can perfect in being. We can bring the best out of/in us. Just think of the fucking emotional ups and downs we have. The amazing capability of our mind/intellect. Our body. WE CAN MAKE EFFORTS. and at the seventh day we are meant to/can/may REST. ;-) hehe, i guess you got me by now...
So, this poem actually describes for me very much this predicament of our laziness and fear to become what we can truly be: HUMAN BEAUTEINGS ;-)
It is actually not courtesy to Nelson Mandela but he surely was the right person to use it in an inaguration speech. This poem is courtesy to Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, what are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
— Nelson Mandela (inaugural speech, 1994)
so yeah i got sick of the black template for my blog. i go with white now. fuck whatever.
i am sitting at a - STARBUCKS. haha. fuck Starbucks. but whatever they have internet so here we go. actually its a nice little outdoor protected backyard thing so man, whatever, nothing can compete with Berlin Cafes so I'll be satisfied with that for now. I actually think, you know, that you always should make an effort to make things beautiful. Ask for a porcellan cup instead of letting them give you a freakin to go thing. FUCK TO GO! I mean, hey, do you actually ever think about HOW MUCH GARBAGE the states generate on a daily basis ONLY for beverages and food? GEE!
Or asking for candles. Or finding a nice spot to sit in a little alley or so. Or COOKING instead of ahm, throw something into the FUCKING MICROWAVE. Or walking instead of driving. you know what I mean?
I remember that day in Roma, when two friends of mine and I were going to have a nice dinner in TRASTEVERE, south Rom. We bought Wine, Cheese, Grapes, Bread, Olives, the nice stuff.
Then we were there and damn were we hungry, we had been in Perugia the whole day and yeah, HUNGRY. So I was like "lets find a really romantic nice spot" but we didn't. My friends were like "lets just sit here on the sidewalk but they should have known me better. I made them walk around like crazy until we found that church, beautiful place. Then they wanted to straight away eat. I was like 'NOPE, lets find candles first!" Thats when they got a little frustrated "come on PIRANHA, take it easy, lets just eat."
They should have known me better.
I ran in every restaurant I found nearby and asked for candles. I came back with a whole bunch of them.
Then we displayed the food on my marvellous multifunctional scarf/headwrap/skirt/handkerchief/poncho/blanket and Zeynep was like 'oh, this bread would be so good with oliveoil."
HA, she shouldn't have said that, hungry as she was. But I insisted on finding oliveoil and now, of course you can't buy oliveoil at midnight but you can ask at a restaurant whether they d pour some oil on your bread! There we go...And the guitar I had carried all along the way (and yeah that was worth the effort TOO!) turned out to be very useful: we sang together, and gosh, singing elevates the soul, music does! so it was beautiful! and then those old sicilian guys who came and performed songs for us on my guitar...wow...that was SO SPECIAL and joyful!!!!!
And I don't know about you, Mira, but I will never forget that evening. And the learning lesson of that was: you can't make enough an effort to make it beautiful. Because when you do, you'll create a moment for eternity.
Eternity loves beauty
Beauty is eternity.
The same applies for ourselves, if you ask me. WE are meant to be human beings but we'd be wrong in assuming it comes inclusive the package. Just think about the stories about kids who grow up with animals. We are amazingly adaptable. We can grow. We can be incredible fast runners, high jumpers, rock climbers, scuba divers, swimmers, musicians, architects, artists, scientists, all that. We can specialize in whatever we want. Animals can't.
So how comes we think we actually ARE human beings in the first place, I mean, human beings in the higher meaning of the word (whatever that means for you)?
We can develop. We can change. We can perfect in being. We can bring the best out of/in us. Just think of the fucking emotional ups and downs we have. The amazing capability of our mind/intellect. Our body. WE CAN MAKE EFFORTS. and at the seventh day we are meant to/can/may REST. ;-) hehe, i guess you got me by now...
So, this poem actually describes for me very much this predicament of our laziness and fear to become what we can truly be: HUMAN BEAUTEINGS ;-)
It is actually not courtesy to Nelson Mandela but he surely was the right person to use it in an inaguration speech. This poem is courtesy to Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, what are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
— Nelson Mandela (inaugural speech, 1994)
collecting impressions....a different way of self reflection.....a little more refreshing than being depressed anyways
PMS-ing big time, sitting in my bed, being sad and mad that Dany doesn't call although he said he would (FUCK THAT. I HATE THAT BIG FUCKING TIME!), having realized that I made the favorite Jeans of my sister dirty and she just saw me and got very mad at me because i took them although she said extra that i shouldn't take THESE one....well, how stupid can i be, i took them and was going to wash and return them before she got home but i, of course, failed doing that. fucking procrastinator that i am. and freakin childish idiot, waiting for a phonecall. starting to think that love sucks, just for that little reason. come on already....ah, i forgot, PMS=ing. yeah, damn, i should never forget THAT should i. argh.
okay and now the better part of this post: i met this jamaican guy today on third street promenade, apparently the number one chess player there, he played for free against anybody who wants to on the street.....
we went for a coffee and thats what he wrote just now and it made me so happy and cheered me up big time in my freakin PMS foggy state of mind and depression that I decided to share that with you:
Hi i just want to say it was fantastic meeting u tnite i really enjoyed our
talk at that internet coffee house there many things u said that got me
thinking about various people in my life i like that i hope that someday we
can meet up and speak again, yur very freindly and open wioth lots of energy
and desire to meet and make freinds with new people i admire that, yur cute
too which is a very nice bonus anyways take it easy maybe i see u tmorow but
if i dont have a great christmas and memoroable new year and will see each
other again yur amazing if not here then possible in europe or elsewhere
keep in touch tall cute girl Love Pablo XXII
ps. he said, CUTE
lol......
okay and now the better part of this post: i met this jamaican guy today on third street promenade, apparently the number one chess player there, he played for free against anybody who wants to on the street.....
we went for a coffee and thats what he wrote just now and it made me so happy and cheered me up big time in my freakin PMS foggy state of mind and depression that I decided to share that with you:
Hi i just want to say it was fantastic meeting u tnite i really enjoyed our
talk at that internet coffee house there many things u said that got me
thinking about various people in my life i like that i hope that someday we
can meet up and speak again, yur very freindly and open wioth lots of energy
and desire to meet and make freinds with new people i admire that, yur cute
too which is a very nice bonus anyways take it easy maybe i see u tmorow but
if i dont have a great christmas and memoroable new year and will see each
other again yur amazing if not here then possible in europe or elsewhere
keep in touch tall cute girl Love Pablo XXII
ps. he said, CUTE
lol......
Friday, December 23, 2005
i love my boyfriend
my wife bought me this shirt that says white on black: i love my boyfriend
lol. i am first of all not the person to wear shirts with slogans on them and then secondly, i am the girl who told the whole world i couldn't be anybody's girlfriend. so here we go. life, are you satisfied now? mocked me well enough? damn. hahahaha.
dany came finally yesterdayevening. damn, i can't tell you why but i do love this bastard. it s just too bad that he couldn't stay, just another time. it drives me crazy. but we plalyed with my little nephew and that was all cool.
when he intended to leave and saw the tears in my eyes he sat down with me and held me really tight and said: look, i love my girl, so so much, there is nothing i d like more to do than stay, but it s simply not possible. i gotta work tomorrow.
oh damn. i guess c'est la vie
i just feel like a little child. like 'hey i want the chocolate NOW and ALL of it. IMMEDIATELY!'
yeah
lol. i am first of all not the person to wear shirts with slogans on them and then secondly, i am the girl who told the whole world i couldn't be anybody's girlfriend. so here we go. life, are you satisfied now? mocked me well enough? damn. hahahaha.
dany came finally yesterdayevening. damn, i can't tell you why but i do love this bastard. it s just too bad that he couldn't stay, just another time. it drives me crazy. but we plalyed with my little nephew and that was all cool.
when he intended to leave and saw the tears in my eyes he sat down with me and held me really tight and said: look, i love my girl, so so much, there is nothing i d like more to do than stay, but it s simply not possible. i gotta work tomorrow.
oh damn. i guess c'est la vie
i just feel like a little child. like 'hey i want the chocolate NOW and ALL of it. IMMEDIATELY!'
yeah
Thursday, December 22, 2005
if you knew...
man, i fell fucking asleep.
DAMN! in my skirt that i just bought (and i basically just buy new stuff when i fall in love by the way), lights on, no teeth brushed (yuck)
strange dreams, some included sexy mother f*&%^#$ Adrien Brody, King Kong digestion...
and i fell fucking awwwwww, ASLEEP! in the middle of reading something.
DAMN!
i was awake before actually but didn't bother to look around. and now i do, check my f*&#^$%@ cell phone and FUCK you called me like 8 times.
i jump out of the bed, from 0 to 180 and call back, awww, fuck, man, ohhhh no, why didn't i hear that?
then i check the time. 4 AM. You called at 2:34 AM. fuck fuck fuck! maybe you were here in front of my house and i didn't come. why didn't you check here? it was open....you know my sister isn't here. you should've checked. hm. but maybe, you are still outside, sleeping in your car? i run outside, barefeet, excited and frustrated like hell, awww awww aww, thats what i can think only.
there is your car. ah! relief sort of. fuck, 4 AM! oh man!
i see condense water on the windows, somebody's in there,. yeai.
i knock on the door, some voice is mumbeling 'WHAT?'
'it s me, it s me, - Dany'
my voice, you know fellas, couldn't have been more full of tenderness and love in this moment. you could literally see it drop down from my words.
the guy opens, i think in the same millisecond, wow, somebody blew his rearwindow and then i realize it s not you.
oh fuck
oh, oho, i am sorry! i ahem, i , mixed you up, SORRY! i stutter and the guy is 'oh thats allright sweetie'
and in panic i run down the street checking whether you are somewhere, maybe in the camper (nope) and finally i walk back.
cold concrete under my bare feet.
wet cold gras.
suddenly i start grinning and smiling. oh damn. if you only knew what i am going through.
DAMN.
i guess you just called because i begged you to call me before you go to sleep after you d be done with the strip club
but then again, you never know. i wished it so much that you'd come instead of hanging out with your cousin just because ('just'') he turned 18...........somewhat explains my overreaction just now....
DAMN! in my skirt that i just bought (and i basically just buy new stuff when i fall in love by the way), lights on, no teeth brushed (yuck)
strange dreams, some included sexy mother f*&%^#$ Adrien Brody, King Kong digestion...
and i fell fucking awwwwww, ASLEEP! in the middle of reading something.
DAMN!
i was awake before actually but didn't bother to look around. and now i do, check my f*&#^$%@ cell phone and FUCK you called me like 8 times.
i jump out of the bed, from 0 to 180 and call back, awww, fuck, man, ohhhh no, why didn't i hear that?
then i check the time. 4 AM. You called at 2:34 AM. fuck fuck fuck! maybe you were here in front of my house and i didn't come. why didn't you check here? it was open....you know my sister isn't here. you should've checked. hm. but maybe, you are still outside, sleeping in your car? i run outside, barefeet, excited and frustrated like hell, awww awww aww, thats what i can think only.
there is your car. ah! relief sort of. fuck, 4 AM! oh man!
i see condense water on the windows, somebody's in there,. yeai.
i knock on the door, some voice is mumbeling 'WHAT?'
'it s me, it s me, - Dany'
my voice, you know fellas, couldn't have been more full of tenderness and love in this moment. you could literally see it drop down from my words.
the guy opens, i think in the same millisecond, wow, somebody blew his rearwindow and then i realize it s not you.
oh fuck
oh, oho, i am sorry! i ahem, i , mixed you up, SORRY! i stutter and the guy is 'oh thats allright sweetie'
and in panic i run down the street checking whether you are somewhere, maybe in the camper (nope) and finally i walk back.
cold concrete under my bare feet.
wet cold gras.
suddenly i start grinning and smiling. oh damn. if you only knew what i am going through.
DAMN.
i guess you just called because i begged you to call me before you go to sleep after you d be done with the strip club
but then again, you never know. i wished it so much that you'd come instead of hanging out with your cousin just because ('just'') he turned 18...........somewhat explains my overreaction just now....
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
relief. just because you love one it doesn't mean that you can't keep on loving the many!
i was on my way to get me a drink in my french room to write some x-mas letters or sth like that but i was walking into the wrong direction, via La Brea whereas the french room is via Cahuenga.
Sometimes I have to follow my nose, don't ask me why. Thats how i meet my life.
At the pedestrian light I met him. We somehow started talking immediately, he came along with me and as we both were chilling he invited me for a drink in this bar in which I explained Keita that I can't be anybody's girl and that I want only friendship with him. Yeah, memories.
The chemistry and connection was instant and amazing. A twinkle in his eyes, this smile... We just felt each other. Then there was this girl coming in, on rollerblads and she made a cartwheel ON the rollerblads IN the bar. WOW. Australian chick, totally. i mean TO-TALLY nuts and hyperactive, explaining us she is just in a fight with her boy and 'oh, do you guys know that?' He:
'ahm, we just met each other, like ten minutes ago, we are not together'..I tried to throw in 'and i have a boyfriend so..' but it seemingly drowned in the waterfall of words that she spilled over us.
Crazy. I chuckled happily and sipped on my red french wine. yeah.
At eight he has to go. i ask him where to and he says ' i gotta see my girl'
i look at him in disbelief and relief. 'the same here' i say with a broad smile.
Bloggers and blogginas, you should have seen that smile that lit up in his face.
we laughed, looked at each other and almost simultaneously we said ' I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND!!'
RELIEF. Because I just had told Meg, the australian chick 'i do have a boyfriend, but man, this guy is one of the reasons why i would regret being committed. you know. awwww'
we looked again at each other and laughed.
'dude', i said, 'i am so happy that we have the same spirit. you got to keep on going and breathe loving air, no matter where, drink wine, invite strangers, smile and hug strangers if you will. it somewhat bothered me that we connected so well but then i remembered my best friend in berlin...he is just like you and man, he just wrote me an email. damn.'
he took me along to the bar his girl works at, a neat little thing that you wouldn't find if you wouldn't know where, at wilshire and mariposa. i called dany and told him where i was going and how happy i am that he is there and how much i do love him. and he told me not to drink because he knew i was driving and that i should care...always worried, my love...but....
johnny heard that and laughed. he kept on talking and talking about his girl and dude, she has a guy who s madly in love with her and absolutely like me, a lover of humanity. man, on our way on the subway to wilshire he talked to at least five people got the number of a really cool dude and spread the love....
wow.
wow
ps
besides, he was then, after all a bit worried because of his girlfriend and begged me to make it clear to her that we were just hanging out. i met her and she is absolutely awesome, we connected immediately, too, and she asked me for my number. haha. so thats how life goes.
and these kind of coinicidences are what make my day and gosh, great spirit, am i happy that it keeps on going like that. thats my life. thats what i missed from berlin but apparently happens everywhere else too, just not as much as in berlin.
Sometimes I have to follow my nose, don't ask me why. Thats how i meet my life.
At the pedestrian light I met him. We somehow started talking immediately, he came along with me and as we both were chilling he invited me for a drink in this bar in which I explained Keita that I can't be anybody's girl and that I want only friendship with him. Yeah, memories.
The chemistry and connection was instant and amazing. A twinkle in his eyes, this smile... We just felt each other. Then there was this girl coming in, on rollerblads and she made a cartwheel ON the rollerblads IN the bar. WOW. Australian chick, totally. i mean TO-TALLY nuts and hyperactive, explaining us she is just in a fight with her boy and 'oh, do you guys know that?' He:
'ahm, we just met each other, like ten minutes ago, we are not together'..I tried to throw in 'and i have a boyfriend so..' but it seemingly drowned in the waterfall of words that she spilled over us.
Crazy. I chuckled happily and sipped on my red french wine. yeah.
At eight he has to go. i ask him where to and he says ' i gotta see my girl'
i look at him in disbelief and relief. 'the same here' i say with a broad smile.
Bloggers and blogginas, you should have seen that smile that lit up in his face.
we laughed, looked at each other and almost simultaneously we said ' I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND!!'
RELIEF. Because I just had told Meg, the australian chick 'i do have a boyfriend, but man, this guy is one of the reasons why i would regret being committed. you know. awwww'
we looked again at each other and laughed.
'dude', i said, 'i am so happy that we have the same spirit. you got to keep on going and breathe loving air, no matter where, drink wine, invite strangers, smile and hug strangers if you will. it somewhat bothered me that we connected so well but then i remembered my best friend in berlin...he is just like you and man, he just wrote me an email. damn.'
he took me along to the bar his girl works at, a neat little thing that you wouldn't find if you wouldn't know where, at wilshire and mariposa. i called dany and told him where i was going and how happy i am that he is there and how much i do love him. and he told me not to drink because he knew i was driving and that i should care...always worried, my love...but....
johnny heard that and laughed. he kept on talking and talking about his girl and dude, she has a guy who s madly in love with her and absolutely like me, a lover of humanity. man, on our way on the subway to wilshire he talked to at least five people got the number of a really cool dude and spread the love....
wow.
wow
ps
besides, he was then, after all a bit worried because of his girlfriend and begged me to make it clear to her that we were just hanging out. i met her and she is absolutely awesome, we connected immediately, too, and she asked me for my number. haha. so thats how life goes.
and these kind of coinicidences are what make my day and gosh, great spirit, am i happy that it keeps on going like that. thats my life. thats what i missed from berlin but apparently happens everywhere else too, just not as much as in berlin.
Monday, December 19, 2005
fuck me
this weekend was terrible.
i didn't get to see Dany at all and that because I fucking try to juggle my private life with being there for my sister (and her family of course). then on sunday I embarrassed the shit out of myself calling him a million times and being in a bad mood on the fucking phone, just to write desperate love-text messages afterwards.
i mean, WTF????
talking to him on the phone is killing me. I hate it. I mean, i HATE it.
and then there were always his fucking gypsy cousins around and for some rediculous reason i was embarrassed to talk to him knowing that they were there too.
fuck.
yeah and he sounded so different too, around his cousins, so 'that's cool man' like . and 'whatever'. yeah. fuck that. and i started hating that and i guess i just don't know how the fudge to handle those kind of stupid feelings. miss miss miss. waa!
thats not me, i mean, hey, i' ve always thought it is rediculous when people miss each other so much they can't do anything else no more, because, hey, relax, develop yourself when you are on your own, have fun and then, when you meet there's gonna be a lot to share!
yeah. whatever. whatever.
then i hung out with Keita yesterday night. we went jamming and writing songs at the beach and ate a pizza later together and had a LOT of fun. he wants to marry me. oh man. but he knows about Dany and said, that there is nothing one can do about something like that. i told him again that i really want our friendship to develop further and man, who knows what the future holds for us. when he smiles his face lightens up and love pours out and flows into space. thats amazing. i just can't imagine anything physical with him.
but then again, i couldn't imagine that with Dany either and see where we are now. that horrifies me. to think that. i mean, fuck, does that mean that love is just random? fuck that. ah.
so i call dany again and it s again horrible to talk to him and not being able to see him. and i feel i really have to see him ASAP so i can understand why i am feeling that way. that i love him. and still do. oh, oh, oh.
and then i am freakin afraid that maybe it wasn't good after all to tell the whole world how much i love him because now i feel so exhausted..
in the bust today i talked again to him and i was so bad. i was in such a bad mood. i wasn't cool, not at all. NOT COOL. and when i hung up i tried to understand what the fuck is happening to me and i guess it is somesort of PPMS (pre pms) and fears overwhelming me, this fucking reaction of mine to cut off anything that makes me happy, to serve the drama queen inside, to rise this wall again
and FUCK I NEED TO SEE YOU IN ORDER TO TEAR THIS WALL DOWN AGAIN.
i need to see you immediately.
fuck me. maybe it s also that i am scared because we'll take it on a new level now that we both have our test results back and everything seems to be fine.
maybe maybe.
man i should stop thinking and analyzing. fuck that. fuck me.
awwww
i didn't get to see Dany at all and that because I fucking try to juggle my private life with being there for my sister (and her family of course). then on sunday I embarrassed the shit out of myself calling him a million times and being in a bad mood on the fucking phone, just to write desperate love-text messages afterwards.
i mean, WTF????
talking to him on the phone is killing me. I hate it. I mean, i HATE it.
and then there were always his fucking gypsy cousins around and for some rediculous reason i was embarrassed to talk to him knowing that they were there too.
fuck.
yeah and he sounded so different too, around his cousins, so 'that's cool man' like . and 'whatever'. yeah. fuck that. and i started hating that and i guess i just don't know how the fudge to handle those kind of stupid feelings. miss miss miss. waa!
thats not me, i mean, hey, i' ve always thought it is rediculous when people miss each other so much they can't do anything else no more, because, hey, relax, develop yourself when you are on your own, have fun and then, when you meet there's gonna be a lot to share!
yeah. whatever. whatever.
then i hung out with Keita yesterday night. we went jamming and writing songs at the beach and ate a pizza later together and had a LOT of fun. he wants to marry me. oh man. but he knows about Dany and said, that there is nothing one can do about something like that. i told him again that i really want our friendship to develop further and man, who knows what the future holds for us. when he smiles his face lightens up and love pours out and flows into space. thats amazing. i just can't imagine anything physical with him.
but then again, i couldn't imagine that with Dany either and see where we are now. that horrifies me. to think that. i mean, fuck, does that mean that love is just random? fuck that. ah.
so i call dany again and it s again horrible to talk to him and not being able to see him. and i feel i really have to see him ASAP so i can understand why i am feeling that way. that i love him. and still do. oh, oh, oh.
and then i am freakin afraid that maybe it wasn't good after all to tell the whole world how much i love him because now i feel so exhausted..
in the bust today i talked again to him and i was so bad. i was in such a bad mood. i wasn't cool, not at all. NOT COOL. and when i hung up i tried to understand what the fuck is happening to me and i guess it is somesort of PPMS (pre pms) and fears overwhelming me, this fucking reaction of mine to cut off anything that makes me happy, to serve the drama queen inside, to rise this wall again
and FUCK I NEED TO SEE YOU IN ORDER TO TEAR THIS WALL DOWN AGAIN.
i need to see you immediately.
fuck me. maybe it s also that i am scared because we'll take it on a new level now that we both have our test results back and everything seems to be fine.
maybe maybe.
man i should stop thinking and analyzing. fuck that. fuck me.
awwww
Friday, December 16, 2005
New Boots, a HIV test and other good news
I stayed up like two nights in a row, one night dedicated to a freakin businessplan i ll never look at again ever in my life the other night to helping my niece and sister to sew the dress for my niece's moviepremiere.
it was really exhausting, i feel i am growing out of that age when you think it s so fucking cool to NOT sleep. DAMN, i dig sleeping. wow`
iw as really afraid i d fall asleep during the screening of the movie, but i can proudly anounce that i fell asleep only at the end..you know those weird secondsleep dreams....dang
before the premiere, however, i was still busy in changing minor stuff on the dress and shit, and like ten minutes before the premiere i realized now that i am wearing a super elegant gown i should think about wearing my sneakers (the only shoes i have these days) twice. so me and my dear cousin R. rush to some huge mall in Beverly Hills and run through the gigantic universe of capitalistic glamour and glitter covered hell and, the unbelievable: i find shoes, that is, boots, in a matter of five minutes.
now, as a woman you d understand why the fudge that is so freakin unbelievable. but as a woman with feet size 10 (yes, 10) you d understand me even better.
a nd knowing me you d already taken your hat off and congratulated me as if it was my day of breakin the world champion record of cross country running or something like that: i HATE shoe shopping more than any woman on this planet, and i usually spend money on music and food and thats it already.
so, i found the cowboy boots i wanted since three years already, they fit me PERFECTLY, awww, freakin comfortable! and out we run and I was happy like a little snow queen.
----------------------------------..............................................................______________________________________
so there i go. the afterparty in some fancy berly hills hotel was sort of (yawn) interesting, food and booz for free, i danced a little salsa with some guy and then Dany came to pick me up, thanks god. I was SO TIRED.
i slept like a stone in his arms, he watched me sleeping and snoring (apparently...awww.....yuck) and everything was sort of strange today in the morning. a lot of unspoken words and i don't know what.
then he called me later this afternoon when i was babysitting my nephews and told me he went to that medical center where we made those tests last week and picked up his results.
god, he really put me in tense, i waited for his response and lord, my heart was racing as if it was some fucking olympic games participant.
but, oh well, everything was FINE. and i sink down on my kneew and I pray and thank god and the good guardian angel this guy has, because he pulled off some major bullshit in his late teenie years with drugs and messing around.....
so i got to pick mine up too, one of these days and then we'll take it from there , tee-hee
--------------------------------
the other good news is that two of my best friends in germany are doing so great, it seems like all our lives got so much more moving and exciting over the course of the last past months...we start discovering our own paths in life and who we want to become.....
ah, and i have vacations now and i can't wait to have my gipsy entirely and not to have to worry about getting up and being somewhere in time...fuck obligations just for a minute or two!
i hope my test results will be fine.....damn.....
it was really exhausting, i feel i am growing out of that age when you think it s so fucking cool to NOT sleep. DAMN, i dig sleeping. wow`
iw as really afraid i d fall asleep during the screening of the movie, but i can proudly anounce that i fell asleep only at the end..you know those weird secondsleep dreams....dang
before the premiere, however, i was still busy in changing minor stuff on the dress and shit, and like ten minutes before the premiere i realized now that i am wearing a super elegant gown i should think about wearing my sneakers (the only shoes i have these days) twice. so me and my dear cousin R. rush to some huge mall in Beverly Hills and run through the gigantic universe of capitalistic glamour and glitter covered hell and, the unbelievable: i find shoes, that is, boots, in a matter of five minutes.
now, as a woman you d understand why the fudge that is so freakin unbelievable. but as a woman with feet size 10 (yes, 10) you d understand me even better.
a nd knowing me you d already taken your hat off and congratulated me as if it was my day of breakin the world champion record of cross country running or something like that: i HATE shoe shopping more than any woman on this planet, and i usually spend money on music and food and thats it already.
so, i found the cowboy boots i wanted since three years already, they fit me PERFECTLY, awww, freakin comfortable! and out we run and I was happy like a little snow queen.
----------------------------------..............................................................______________________________________
so there i go. the afterparty in some fancy berly hills hotel was sort of (yawn) interesting, food and booz for free, i danced a little salsa with some guy and then Dany came to pick me up, thanks god. I was SO TIRED.
i slept like a stone in his arms, he watched me sleeping and snoring (apparently...awww.....yuck) and everything was sort of strange today in the morning. a lot of unspoken words and i don't know what.
then he called me later this afternoon when i was babysitting my nephews and told me he went to that medical center where we made those tests last week and picked up his results.
god, he really put me in tense, i waited for his response and lord, my heart was racing as if it was some fucking olympic games participant.
but, oh well, everything was FINE. and i sink down on my kneew and I pray and thank god and the good guardian angel this guy has, because he pulled off some major bullshit in his late teenie years with drugs and messing around.....
so i got to pick mine up too, one of these days and then we'll take it from there , tee-hee
--------------------------------
the other good news is that two of my best friends in germany are doing so great, it seems like all our lives got so much more moving and exciting over the course of the last past months...we start discovering our own paths in life and who we want to become.....
ah, and i have vacations now and i can't wait to have my gipsy entirely and not to have to worry about getting up and being somewhere in time...fuck obligations just for a minute or two!
i hope my test results will be fine.....damn.....
Thursday, December 15, 2005
there is this guy i know...
this little game...that i know this guy....and it is you we are talking about...and then this silence....my single sigh, once. i miss you. already now. ain't that fucked up. no you say. i feel sweet desire. for you. for your loving kisses, your loving hand, body, soul, mind, heart...
you have to look in his eyes when he says he loves you you say, giving advice about 'this guy i know'. then you'd see how much he loves you. how wild his eyes are. this fire...
i would do anything for you. everything you want. everything....that's how much i trust you
you have to look in his eyes when he says he loves you you say, giving advice about 'this guy i know'. then you'd see how much he loves you. how wild his eyes are. this fire...
i would do anything for you. everything you want. everything....that's how much i trust you
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
jimi hendrix and orange county
all they know about you is that you dig jimi hendrix and that you live in orange county. but i have seen your heart. i have felt it on your tongue, in your hands, i have tasted it all over your body, i have seen it in your words, the sound of your voice and in the colour of your eyes.
i am sitting, trying to focus, trying to work, business figures, blablabla. in the next room someone puts on Jimi Hendrix. The sound waves enter my ears, build up in my brain, connect to my heart immidiately, I am living only in my longing for you.
all that reminds me of you makes me weak and vulnerable inside. and strong and shining in the same time. these are the good good good old days we are living. this is our legacy. this is my first time. first first first first time. in love. like that...
and indeed, your love drips off your fingers, flows in beautiful streams of energy directly from your lovely hands into everything you touch.
i am sitting, trying to focus, trying to work, business figures, blablabla. in the next room someone puts on Jimi Hendrix. The sound waves enter my ears, build up in my brain, connect to my heart immidiately, I am living only in my longing for you.
all that reminds me of you makes me weak and vulnerable inside. and strong and shining in the same time. these are the good good good old days we are living. this is our legacy. this is my first time. first first first first time. in love. like that...
and indeed, your love drips off your fingers, flows in beautiful streams of energy directly from your lovely hands into everything you touch.
Monday, December 12, 2005
you look great together!
i can't see it...but i can hear it. whenever you call my name - a passionate whisper that feels like one of those beautiful warm harvest storm winds back back home - i feel how love is drippin into my mind. my body aches i am feeling the love that i can't believe that i can't analyse that i will never understand but always comprehend.
I took your hand on the street and it was cold and wet. Your heart beat like a foreign but oh so familiar rhythm, I felt you were struggeling but you succeeded in this fight.
See, I can't understand really what it is like to be always on the run, always being cautious, what if, what if the authorities find out and send you away.
But I love you.
We went together to take that test. No matter how much you trust somebody, caution is the mother of protection. I have a friend, she loved her man, and see her now,down and out, struggeling with what she did not expect to ever encounter...
When we walked back from the medical center I held your hand and I felt strange. The old guy whom I always see in front of this store smiled his bright smile when I threw mine in his direction and he shouted, as we walked by 'Yo, man, you better treat this lady right!' - you turned around, laughed, thumbs up...A few steps further another guy said to his friend, so we could hear 'hey, wow, what a beautiful couple! they are lucky man...'
I squeezed your arm proudly, I felt like a queen next to you, a sudden rush of love to my heart...
Later, when we came out of that pizza place another guy, one of those hollyweirders who makes stand up comedy on the street and tries to sell his rap album went off 'oh, hey, you look so good together, such a nice couple, ya all stay together allright?' and then he started beat boxing and you grabbed my hand and we all laughed and Sean was sitting right there at the Green Room and I was allright with that....
Oh, Dany, dany...
then i remembered how Jean said once to me, before everything happened, back when I was busy having a crush on Sean, that she saw me talking to you...and she said, who's that guy? you looked really great together....
and then, in the evening I was jamming with Keita, the guy who is such a wonderful gentleman and so much in love with me, bringing me flowers, earrings and writing lovesongs for me (honestly, if it would work to talk oneself into fallin in love with someone I would have gone for him...but in matters of heart reason doesn't always have so much to say....and that being said, I still think that Dany is the best one for me...it s just... I love Keita too, in a different way, but I really do! and I would love to give him all that what he is longing for, but I can't....so that's sad somehow...). Anyways, as we were jamming we sang this song and as usual we started actually communicating, talking while singing...I sang him a song that expressed all those feelings that I just have put into a bracket...and later I told him that I fell in love and he asked whether it was Dany, because he had already thought that we were a little more than just friends and he said 'i think you look great together...'
bam! even Keita says that!!! and he said, that he is happy for me, of course, sorry, that it isn't him but he is genuinly happy for me that I found that and he said he is grateful that I was honest from the start, telling him about all the guys i was flirting with which made him understand that he couldn't push too much...
oh boy...isn't that the coolest thing to hear, when you are newly in love?
it is like this love is resonating! we are the love that people want. we are the love that people are happy to see because it nourishes the hope that deep deep down we all have....the hope for love, love, love lika that.....
and I love him...
I took your hand on the street and it was cold and wet. Your heart beat like a foreign but oh so familiar rhythm, I felt you were struggeling but you succeeded in this fight.
See, I can't understand really what it is like to be always on the run, always being cautious, what if, what if the authorities find out and send you away.
But I love you.
We went together to take that test. No matter how much you trust somebody, caution is the mother of protection. I have a friend, she loved her man, and see her now,down and out, struggeling with what she did not expect to ever encounter...
When we walked back from the medical center I held your hand and I felt strange. The old guy whom I always see in front of this store smiled his bright smile when I threw mine in his direction and he shouted, as we walked by 'Yo, man, you better treat this lady right!' - you turned around, laughed, thumbs up...A few steps further another guy said to his friend, so we could hear 'hey, wow, what a beautiful couple! they are lucky man...'
I squeezed your arm proudly, I felt like a queen next to you, a sudden rush of love to my heart...
Later, when we came out of that pizza place another guy, one of those hollyweirders who makes stand up comedy on the street and tries to sell his rap album went off 'oh, hey, you look so good together, such a nice couple, ya all stay together allright?' and then he started beat boxing and you grabbed my hand and we all laughed and Sean was sitting right there at the Green Room and I was allright with that....
Oh, Dany, dany...
then i remembered how Jean said once to me, before everything happened, back when I was busy having a crush on Sean, that she saw me talking to you...and she said, who's that guy? you looked really great together....
and then, in the evening I was jamming with Keita, the guy who is such a wonderful gentleman and so much in love with me, bringing me flowers, earrings and writing lovesongs for me (honestly, if it would work to talk oneself into fallin in love with someone I would have gone for him...but in matters of heart reason doesn't always have so much to say....and that being said, I still think that Dany is the best one for me...it s just... I love Keita too, in a different way, but I really do! and I would love to give him all that what he is longing for, but I can't....so that's sad somehow...). Anyways, as we were jamming we sang this song and as usual we started actually communicating, talking while singing...I sang him a song that expressed all those feelings that I just have put into a bracket...and later I told him that I fell in love and he asked whether it was Dany, because he had already thought that we were a little more than just friends and he said 'i think you look great together...'
bam! even Keita says that!!! and he said, that he is happy for me, of course, sorry, that it isn't him but he is genuinly happy for me that I found that and he said he is grateful that I was honest from the start, telling him about all the guys i was flirting with which made him understand that he couldn't push too much...
oh boy...isn't that the coolest thing to hear, when you are newly in love?
it is like this love is resonating! we are the love that people want. we are the love that people are happy to see because it nourishes the hope that deep deep down we all have....the hope for love, love, love lika that.....
and I love him...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
love & sex - take the loose ends and tie them back together
I don't say I regret anything. I was messing around with guys over the last half past year and I did it deliberately and on purpose. And I guess it is in a way good because that's what I felt I had to do in that moment. So I also don't see anything slutty in that because I believe that when you actually are genuine and true to what you want and feel you oughta to do what you have to do.
When I was younger I thought that sex and love are inseparable for me. I always turned down the boys that wanted to go out with me even when I was in love with them. I really wanted to be sure that it was 'the right one' before I got myself into anything. When I got older I realized that I would have to losen that philosophy somewhat up. I still believed and still do believe in 'the one' to come but I am more relaxed and open to what life offers me...
However, over the course of the last six months I also realized that it is still worth to wait and that I don't have to, by no means, to hurry anything.
Awww.
So I waited so long until my first time. I was faithful to Pedro who was lost in his foggy drugged out state of mind, throwing his soul and our love away like nothing....I saved energy for him, I went jogging for him, I considered and deconsidered taking drugs for him. Going jogging and disciplining myself made more sense for me, I thought, gosh when he is lacking discipline I will do for him... My first time was indeed very special and wonderful, and I will never regret it although this columbian sexy motherfucker was married, which I found out like one week later and my drummer and ya all know that you shouldn't mess around with a bandmember, right?
But then..in berlin....being together with J was very difficult for me, it was so beautiful and in the same time my doubts and what not just frustrated the fuck out of me. And I thought with him I would eventually be making love but I ran away big time and it led me to believe that maybe I am just that way... not really being able to bring sex and love together...you know...the sexual phantasies with actual love. love was something that is oh so tender and so loving, yeah, haha, and so.... sacred and holy and sex, for waht reason ever, lets blame society, is rather dirty, instinctive, animalic, physical and the real hot stuff, man, how could I ever show that somebody whom I just showed my soul and heart?
I always dug though mindsex in combination with sex. (hail Dead Prez ;-) and it was always important for me but thats something else...you can have a blast of a conversation with somebody and than a blast of sex and it is all fine....but when it comes to my heart, the beauty of soul....and love....awww. I didn't see the connection really.
And I came up with one more intellectually very witty and seemingly worthy excuse: I don't think that love is monogamous, only relationships are, if so agreed upon but love, no ways, dude, I can love many people in the same time in different special ways....and well, I still believe in that but I understand now the people who say are you fucking crazy because I myself now don't want to be with anybody else than with my gipsy anymore....And I thought, hey, cool, I gonna hold hands with Gipsy and be alll romantic with him while having a hot affair with Jayjay and planning on a gorgeous romantic once in a lifetime experience with Eddy at a beach in Malibu, trying to find out how to crack Seans barriers and so on blablabla. You know...for every type of love someone else....
That ain't gonna work no more for me, sorry world, I have been caught in midfall and been turned upside down and now I look at the world from an entirely new and different angle, it is full of love...and I still love people and flirt with people (hey and I said people and not exlusively men!) but all those different special types of love that you can think of inbetween a man and a woman I want to share now only with HIM.
and I didn't think it, but Dany is the one who takes those loose ends and ties them back together for me. He is the one with whom I will finally finally make love in the real way. And I understand suddenly why in the fuck people want to fuck at all, wait I meant, want to make love at all: you just want to be so close to each other you can't help it. thats the love overwhelming you and you want to be close, closer the closest possible...
and its not that the physical would undermine or overpower the emotional or intellectual bounds, no ways, it simply intensifies the colours of the love that profuses everything, all that you are, I am, we are....
My Gipsy is the best thing that could have happened to me. And I am listening to the Doors....'Girl you gotta love your man. Girl you gotta love your man.Take him by the hand, make him understand...' Riders in the storm....
My Gipsy, the way he is, the way he loves me, the way he loves being with me, the way he touches me and makes me feel, my gipsy takes the ends and ties them back together, he gives me back what I always believed in: that sex and love are actually, after all intrinsically intertwined...b.ecause.....I ve seen the other side and I know, although we didn't get that far yet, I know already that it will be oh so so so sweet sweet sweet loving.
and I suddenly understand all those people who dig sex the way they do.
When I was younger I thought that sex and love are inseparable for me. I always turned down the boys that wanted to go out with me even when I was in love with them. I really wanted to be sure that it was 'the right one' before I got myself into anything. When I got older I realized that I would have to losen that philosophy somewhat up. I still believed and still do believe in 'the one' to come but I am more relaxed and open to what life offers me...
However, over the course of the last six months I also realized that it is still worth to wait and that I don't have to, by no means, to hurry anything.
Awww.
So I waited so long until my first time. I was faithful to Pedro who was lost in his foggy drugged out state of mind, throwing his soul and our love away like nothing....I saved energy for him, I went jogging for him, I considered and deconsidered taking drugs for him. Going jogging and disciplining myself made more sense for me, I thought, gosh when he is lacking discipline I will do for him... My first time was indeed very special and wonderful, and I will never regret it although this columbian sexy motherfucker was married, which I found out like one week later and my drummer and ya all know that you shouldn't mess around with a bandmember, right?
But then..in berlin....being together with J was very difficult for me, it was so beautiful and in the same time my doubts and what not just frustrated the fuck out of me. And I thought with him I would eventually be making love but I ran away big time and it led me to believe that maybe I am just that way... not really being able to bring sex and love together...you know...the sexual phantasies with actual love. love was something that is oh so tender and so loving, yeah, haha, and so.... sacred and holy and sex, for waht reason ever, lets blame society, is rather dirty, instinctive, animalic, physical and the real hot stuff, man, how could I ever show that somebody whom I just showed my soul and heart?
I always dug though mindsex in combination with sex. (hail Dead Prez ;-) and it was always important for me but thats something else...you can have a blast of a conversation with somebody and than a blast of sex and it is all fine....but when it comes to my heart, the beauty of soul....and love....awww. I didn't see the connection really.
And I came up with one more intellectually very witty and seemingly worthy excuse: I don't think that love is monogamous, only relationships are, if so agreed upon but love, no ways, dude, I can love many people in the same time in different special ways....and well, I still believe in that but I understand now the people who say are you fucking crazy because I myself now don't want to be with anybody else than with my gipsy anymore....And I thought, hey, cool, I gonna hold hands with Gipsy and be alll romantic with him while having a hot affair with Jayjay and planning on a gorgeous romantic once in a lifetime experience with Eddy at a beach in Malibu, trying to find out how to crack Seans barriers and so on blablabla. You know...for every type of love someone else....
That ain't gonna work no more for me, sorry world, I have been caught in midfall and been turned upside down and now I look at the world from an entirely new and different angle, it is full of love...and I still love people and flirt with people (hey and I said people and not exlusively men!) but all those different special types of love that you can think of inbetween a man and a woman I want to share now only with HIM.
and I didn't think it, but Dany is the one who takes those loose ends and ties them back together for me. He is the one with whom I will finally finally make love in the real way. And I understand suddenly why in the fuck people want to fuck at all, wait I meant, want to make love at all: you just want to be so close to each other you can't help it. thats the love overwhelming you and you want to be close, closer the closest possible...
and its not that the physical would undermine or overpower the emotional or intellectual bounds, no ways, it simply intensifies the colours of the love that profuses everything, all that you are, I am, we are....
My Gipsy is the best thing that could have happened to me. And I am listening to the Doors....'Girl you gotta love your man. Girl you gotta love your man.Take him by the hand, make him understand...' Riders in the storm....
My Gipsy, the way he is, the way he loves me, the way he loves being with me, the way he touches me and makes me feel, my gipsy takes the ends and ties them back together, he gives me back what I always believed in: that sex and love are actually, after all intrinsically intertwined...b.ecause.....I ve seen the other side and I know, although we didn't get that far yet, I know already that it will be oh so so so sweet sweet sweet loving.
and I suddenly understand all those people who dig sex the way they do.
Friday, December 09, 2005
more? more! more.
Introspectre's comment to my last post was: more. more. more.
and so thought I and here is the more I get.
Gipsy is a surprise cookie. I can hardly believe he is only freakin 20 years young. You don't say old when somebody is 20, right?
well, he really doesn't come across as 20 he is a truly mature and communicates with me on a level that is way beyond my expectations. and, haha, it s not as if i was that much older than him anyways ;-)
oh gipsy...hm...oh my god he is so AMAZING did i say that already? he makes me completely crazy. i want to be his girl and that exclusively. do you recognize your average piranha? no? me neither. but i really do feel that way and i think that this is fucking awesome. I am happy I came here just because of him, of this experience of love.
today I went to a medical care center and tested the fuck out of me, STD, Aids, Cancer, everything you can do as a woman, I am determined to do it all right this time with my gipsy. get on birth control or something, I don't wanna think about anything when I am with him, and I want to have him all. it would be also a good incentive to stop my occasional cigarette every now and then, because they say you shouldn't....and Gipsy doesn't want me to either so there we go. thats all cool
yesterday....the gipsy responded to my amazed 'you are such a surprise cookie' -'well, not really, i've always been around somebody so i don't really come as a surprise'....hm....in this moment i got so jealous. damn right, piranha, you are in the midst of an emotional turmoil you are in love, you get the whole package inclusive.
'whats wrong with you?'
'nothing...well...not really...i just got so jealous right now'
'why? about what? there is no...'
'about all the years i didn't know you...'
'but they are dead now, for us, now it s only you and me...'
oh gipsy...
the day before yesterday, or well, rather the night before yesterday -
god, this guy makes me feel like nobody did before. maybe its like that because i am in love but i am dead sure it is also because he is so fucking awesome! :) (do i repeat myself?)
'how do you do that, Dany? how do you do that...- you know...it s actually the first time....you know....*blush*.....that somebody else is doing it better than err, me....'
'i don't do anything...it s just that...haha, well, that sounds like clichee...but it s just like Jimi Hendrix played his guitar! the fucking love and passion flowing out of his fingers straight into the guitar...'
damn right, love, damn right. that sounds like you got a point....
just random more's i had in my mind right now..... ;-)
one luv
piranha
and so thought I and here is the more I get.
Gipsy is a surprise cookie. I can hardly believe he is only freakin 20 years young. You don't say old when somebody is 20, right?
well, he really doesn't come across as 20 he is a truly mature and communicates with me on a level that is way beyond my expectations. and, haha, it s not as if i was that much older than him anyways ;-)
oh gipsy...hm...oh my god he is so AMAZING did i say that already? he makes me completely crazy. i want to be his girl and that exclusively. do you recognize your average piranha? no? me neither. but i really do feel that way and i think that this is fucking awesome. I am happy I came here just because of him, of this experience of love.
today I went to a medical care center and tested the fuck out of me, STD, Aids, Cancer, everything you can do as a woman, I am determined to do it all right this time with my gipsy. get on birth control or something, I don't wanna think about anything when I am with him, and I want to have him all. it would be also a good incentive to stop my occasional cigarette every now and then, because they say you shouldn't....and Gipsy doesn't want me to either so there we go. thats all cool
yesterday....the gipsy responded to my amazed 'you are such a surprise cookie' -'well, not really, i've always been around somebody so i don't really come as a surprise'....hm....in this moment i got so jealous. damn right, piranha, you are in the midst of an emotional turmoil you are in love, you get the whole package inclusive.
'whats wrong with you?'
'nothing...well...not really...i just got so jealous right now'
'why? about what? there is no...'
'about all the years i didn't know you...'
'but they are dead now, for us, now it s only you and me...'
oh gipsy...
the day before yesterday, or well, rather the night before yesterday -
god, this guy makes me feel like nobody did before. maybe its like that because i am in love but i am dead sure it is also because he is so fucking awesome! :) (do i repeat myself?)
'how do you do that, Dany? how do you do that...- you know...it s actually the first time....you know....*blush*.....that somebody else is doing it better than err, me....'
'i don't do anything...it s just that...haha, well, that sounds like clichee...but it s just like Jimi Hendrix played his guitar! the fucking love and passion flowing out of his fingers straight into the guitar...'
damn right, love, damn right. that sounds like you got a point....
just random more's i had in my mind right now..... ;-)
one luv
piranha
Thursday, December 08, 2005
awe. girl you gotta love your man, take him by the hand, make him understand...
I jumped on the bed and looked through the little space between the curtain and wall to see him driving away in the blue car.
Once upon a time, there was a Gipsy....
and he met a wild child, full of grace....
and somehow they decided to write this chapter together...
My goddess, I thought, while imagining him in the car, waiting at the red light, thinking of me and how much I adore red lights because they allow me to kiss him real quick. My goddess, my goddess, this is just like having won the BIG price in Lotto or something like that, whatever it is called like here in America. And I WON IT! ME! I CAN"T BELIEVE IT REALLY!!!!!!!!!!
Do you remember how I felt about my David from Zimbabwe? That it felt like having five out of six right in Lotto? Well, now this is the price. This is the bang. This is AMAZING.
I sat there, with slightly shattering teeth, in disbelief of what just had happened. It was five in the morning, I had like two hours to sleep left and I felt like a queen, like the child under a lucky start that Christina from Schottland said I was.
It was nothing like I had expected. I know and feel that I love him so so SO much. I didn't worry about how it would be like to sleep with him. Because it doesn't matter, with D. I would happily agree with anybody who says that it gets better and better with every time. Our kisses got better and better! Last year in Berlin I didn't want that, I said I want an experienced older guy (in his 30s) who can show me how to love, I didn't want to wait and practice with my ex until it got better. Now I know that this was just another stupid excuse of mine, a cover-up as D. said yesterday, because D. has already realized that I do a lot of explaining, rational excusing and many people see my point but he sees the truth. I was simply not enough in love with my ex to want to go through this process.
So I was like 'whatever!' que sera sera! whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, what will be will be!
And then....I was sometimes a little afraid that he would be an immature little 20 year old boy because he is as a matter of fact only 20 years old, although he says he sometimes feels like he is five years older than me (shut up already!). But I was ready to go through anything for him.
And then.....yesterday night......we didn't go down all the way but we certainly got onto a new level in our physical and emotional relationship. I cried so hard on the way back home in his car, and I didn't even know exactly why. When we where walking by the Green Room we walked by Sean and I freaked a little bit out afterwards because i felt so bad that I didn't say Sean hello really and D got pissed off because I just had told him some hours before that I didn't care about people seeing us at all...and then this....and my wife Klodi got mightly pissed off. 'you have to think sometimes for two Piranha' she said angrily. And I agreed, my GOD, now i understand what J. meant last year about when you are in a relationship you care for the other person as if it was you. Now I understand. I felt bad and I got into an argument with Dany later because I was so sad that he said he would have to leave at two or three. aaaaaaargh! But that wasn't the reason for me crying....I feel emotionally so exhausted, this turmoil these last days....falling and falling and falling ....
in love....
As I cried I thought about how I was with 13, this girl, who believed in love, dreams, future, all this.....who lived in full trust. I thought of Anu, my cosma sister in Bale, Switzerland, how we had tea breakfasts together in her kitchen high above the streets and how the ZEN energy of hers balanced me out and gave me peace of mind. How I played songs to her and how she loved it and how I read her my short stories and how she loved that too.
I thought about my ex in berlin and his face and tried to retrack what I felt for him and I thought about countless guys and tried to apply this feeling I have for Dany to their face. Thanks God, it didn't work, but why, why do I do that anyways? Why can't I just let it be?
I dont' know, I cried silently, the Doors, Rider in the Storm, Girl take your man by his hand, Girl you gotta love your man.......
And Dany just lets me cry, loving, caring, being there, it s allright Piranha, there is nothing wrong with that. Later he asked me what happened and I stumbled and drowned in my tears which I just had pushed back and didn't exactly know what to say....and then I remembered that I actually had told him already, I said, I wrote it to you today. No, he replied but I insisted so he read my messages from today and there it was:
"I am truly sorry ( about the thing with Sean) and don't tell me I shouldn't be. and Dany, te yubesk so much I want to cry"
He took my hand. Don't be afraid. It's allright. - You know, it s the first time in five years that I let something get so close to me, you have to understand, it s not easy, not easy at all but it is beautiful.
Oh my god, writing about that, listening to the doors, to the song 'wild child full of grace' I am filling up with this feeling, awwwwwwe, I am SO SO much in love with my Gipsy.
Later we couldn't let go of each other. He stayed much longer than originally planned. He is such a fabulantastic lover, he made me melt and I felt like in a little while he will be able to crack that wall that I still have. It will crumble and fall and it will be all good.
The cool thing about him is, that everything with him is so wonderful and so natural and so unintrusive, not imposed or enforced at all. NOT AT ALL. And he can hold back and keept control and he can let go and be such a wonderful passionate Dany. and everything is just pure enjoying and joy and beauty. BEAUTY
awwwwwwwe you got my heart and my soul. and my body of course, it is all you, i am your girl, your lady, your wild child your friend your whatever you want me to be....
and thats the first time I ever say this to anybody...
I am all yours...
Once upon a time, there was a Gipsy....
and he met a wild child, full of grace....
and somehow they decided to write this chapter together...
My goddess, I thought, while imagining him in the car, waiting at the red light, thinking of me and how much I adore red lights because they allow me to kiss him real quick. My goddess, my goddess, this is just like having won the BIG price in Lotto or something like that, whatever it is called like here in America. And I WON IT! ME! I CAN"T BELIEVE IT REALLY!!!!!!!!!!
Do you remember how I felt about my David from Zimbabwe? That it felt like having five out of six right in Lotto? Well, now this is the price. This is the bang. This is AMAZING.
I sat there, with slightly shattering teeth, in disbelief of what just had happened. It was five in the morning, I had like two hours to sleep left and I felt like a queen, like the child under a lucky start that Christina from Schottland said I was.
It was nothing like I had expected. I know and feel that I love him so so SO much. I didn't worry about how it would be like to sleep with him. Because it doesn't matter, with D. I would happily agree with anybody who says that it gets better and better with every time. Our kisses got better and better! Last year in Berlin I didn't want that, I said I want an experienced older guy (in his 30s) who can show me how to love, I didn't want to wait and practice with my ex until it got better. Now I know that this was just another stupid excuse of mine, a cover-up as D. said yesterday, because D. has already realized that I do a lot of explaining, rational excusing and many people see my point but he sees the truth. I was simply not enough in love with my ex to want to go through this process.
So I was like 'whatever!' que sera sera! whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, what will be will be!
And then....I was sometimes a little afraid that he would be an immature little 20 year old boy because he is as a matter of fact only 20 years old, although he says he sometimes feels like he is five years older than me (shut up already!). But I was ready to go through anything for him.
And then.....yesterday night......we didn't go down all the way but we certainly got onto a new level in our physical and emotional relationship. I cried so hard on the way back home in his car, and I didn't even know exactly why. When we where walking by the Green Room we walked by Sean and I freaked a little bit out afterwards because i felt so bad that I didn't say Sean hello really and D got pissed off because I just had told him some hours before that I didn't care about people seeing us at all...and then this....and my wife Klodi got mightly pissed off. 'you have to think sometimes for two Piranha' she said angrily. And I agreed, my GOD, now i understand what J. meant last year about when you are in a relationship you care for the other person as if it was you. Now I understand. I felt bad and I got into an argument with Dany later because I was so sad that he said he would have to leave at two or three. aaaaaaargh! But that wasn't the reason for me crying....I feel emotionally so exhausted, this turmoil these last days....falling and falling and falling ....
in love....
As I cried I thought about how I was with 13, this girl, who believed in love, dreams, future, all this.....who lived in full trust. I thought of Anu, my cosma sister in Bale, Switzerland, how we had tea breakfasts together in her kitchen high above the streets and how the ZEN energy of hers balanced me out and gave me peace of mind. How I played songs to her and how she loved it and how I read her my short stories and how she loved that too.
I thought about my ex in berlin and his face and tried to retrack what I felt for him and I thought about countless guys and tried to apply this feeling I have for Dany to their face. Thanks God, it didn't work, but why, why do I do that anyways? Why can't I just let it be?
I dont' know, I cried silently, the Doors, Rider in the Storm, Girl take your man by his hand, Girl you gotta love your man.......
And Dany just lets me cry, loving, caring, being there, it s allright Piranha, there is nothing wrong with that. Later he asked me what happened and I stumbled and drowned in my tears which I just had pushed back and didn't exactly know what to say....and then I remembered that I actually had told him already, I said, I wrote it to you today. No, he replied but I insisted so he read my messages from today and there it was:
"I am truly sorry ( about the thing with Sean) and don't tell me I shouldn't be. and Dany, te yubesk so much I want to cry"
He took my hand. Don't be afraid. It's allright. - You know, it s the first time in five years that I let something get so close to me, you have to understand, it s not easy, not easy at all but it is beautiful.
Oh my god, writing about that, listening to the doors, to the song 'wild child full of grace' I am filling up with this feeling, awwwwwwe, I am SO SO much in love with my Gipsy.
Later we couldn't let go of each other. He stayed much longer than originally planned. He is such a fabulantastic lover, he made me melt and I felt like in a little while he will be able to crack that wall that I still have. It will crumble and fall and it will be all good.
The cool thing about him is, that everything with him is so wonderful and so natural and so unintrusive, not imposed or enforced at all. NOT AT ALL. And he can hold back and keept control and he can let go and be such a wonderful passionate Dany. and everything is just pure enjoying and joy and beauty. BEAUTY
awwwwwwwe you got my heart and my soul. and my body of course, it is all you, i am your girl, your lady, your wild child your friend your whatever you want me to be....
and thats the first time I ever say this to anybody...
I am all yours...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
there i sit
with tears in my mind.
soul music is painting the appropriate soundwrap around my thoughts and feelings,
I am holding back, forget to bury my tongue, explode and withdraw, not sure how i want to be.
i must be fine because my heart is still beating...
ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we all try to get over the crying, try to rebuild, try to pretend that everything is just business as usual, god knows, we have to move on, go on, walk on, breath on, work on, routine requires our attention our commitment. and if it is too crass, if it is too extreme, if the world is just a little bit too quere and converse we pretend that the new status quo is just what we know.
but lord, i don't! i don't! it s nothing I know! Nothing I know about! It s like going to school and learning how to read all over again. or learning how to drive a bicycle. we see everybody elses doing it, we are told it's all cool, manageable, and we still marvel and distrust, doubt and hope that we can do the same.
child, child, wild wild child, just get off the ground and try again. keep on trying. i love him so much that i want to cry. i love him so much that i want to throw my whole life over board and start it all over again. i love him so much that it scares me. i love him so much that in sober moments i start asking myself whether i did just talk myself into it. whether i am just a little extreme piscies nature that will change her mind in about a week. i love him so much that i want to be with him constantly. i love him so much that i want to know all about him. i love him so much that i want to kiss the walls he touched and the ground he walked on. that i want to hug and embrace him all the time and when i see him and i can't touch him because there are words inbetween us i cry out in silence and hate all this air that bridges the gap between him and me. i want to be close and closer. never let him go, set him free, love him, want him to love me.
ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we are just busy not to drown in the overkill of new impressions and need of orientation. sometimes we just let go and float along and this is when we hear the most beautiful song
of love
true love
in every every moment
ah, oh.....
soul music is painting circles and spirals into this sea of tears in my mind, i try to hold onto him, and see him with my heart. and smile with my eyes and kiss his soul with the embrace of my entire world
soul music is painting the appropriate soundwrap around my thoughts and feelings,
I am holding back, forget to bury my tongue, explode and withdraw, not sure how i want to be.
i must be fine because my heart is still beating...
ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we all try to get over the crying, try to rebuild, try to pretend that everything is just business as usual, god knows, we have to move on, go on, walk on, breath on, work on, routine requires our attention our commitment. and if it is too crass, if it is too extreme, if the world is just a little bit too quere and converse we pretend that the new status quo is just what we know.
but lord, i don't! i don't! it s nothing I know! Nothing I know about! It s like going to school and learning how to read all over again. or learning how to drive a bicycle. we see everybody elses doing it, we are told it's all cool, manageable, and we still marvel and distrust, doubt and hope that we can do the same.
child, child, wild wild child, just get off the ground and try again. keep on trying. i love him so much that i want to cry. i love him so much that i want to throw my whole life over board and start it all over again. i love him so much that it scares me. i love him so much that in sober moments i start asking myself whether i did just talk myself into it. whether i am just a little extreme piscies nature that will change her mind in about a week. i love him so much that i want to be with him constantly. i love him so much that i want to know all about him. i love him so much that i want to kiss the walls he touched and the ground he walked on. that i want to hug and embrace him all the time and when i see him and i can't touch him because there are words inbetween us i cry out in silence and hate all this air that bridges the gap between him and me. i want to be close and closer. never let him go, set him free, love him, want him to love me.
ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we are just busy not to drown in the overkill of new impressions and need of orientation. sometimes we just let go and float along and this is when we hear the most beautiful song
of love
true love
in every every moment
ah, oh.....
soul music is painting circles and spirals into this sea of tears in my mind, i try to hold onto him, and see him with my heart. and smile with my eyes and kiss his soul with the embrace of my entire world
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
so in love...the city of angels
i can't believe it, dear bloggers out there in the bloggersphere; i am so in love
that hasn't happened to me i think since five years straight. I know that last year with J I was in love too, in a way, I felt like on a cloud, all the tiredness came out, I was a cuddly sweet person and I couldn't believe that we found each other again and that it felt so good with him....We sort of slipped into this relationship and were like on an island together......but this feeling now is so overwhelming and I cannot define it other than being head over heels in love. IT IS SO CRAZY!
I start opening up more and more, I can't get enough of my Gipsy, I want to be with him ALL the time, even if it is only for five minutes inbetween classes, which I, of course, stretch to nice 10 minutes, taking the bad of coming late....I am not going to spoil this wonderful time with stupid rules of life in school or work. I seriously don't care right now, and hey, I know thats not a good thing, but i couldn't care less, really.....Gipsy, however, makes me go to classes and wants me to do good in school and I realize thats what J was talking about last year...that when you are together with someone, you DO CARE.
I, for example, care about Dany's health to the point that I yell at him because I think he should freakin go see a doctor when he just broke his freakin thumb! I care about him eating only once a day and then it is most of the time pizza and sprite. Hell thats NOT HEALTHY! I care about him being good at what he is doing (producing/engineering), I care about him in every way I can imagine. Drive save, my love, damn, do sth about your back problems, and oh, oh can't' you stay with me a little longer???
I think about him ALL THE TIME. I DO. My wife Klodi talks about her good and bad in her life, and when I start to talk, it is about HIM. hahahahaha. She loves it though, because she adopted him as her brother already long ago and she just told me today when we were sitting in 'my' french room (Brasserie Les Voyons on Hollywood Blvd) having wine and cigarettes and the obligatory apple tart (Dany wants me to not smoke at all, by the way. I don't smoke much but he thinks I shouldn't do it at all....Keita does so too and they are in good company and tradition with J who reacted furiously when I started smoking this spring after having been a very active anti-smoker for all my life to this point) ahm, what was I talking about, ah, about my wife telling me at my french room that she KNEW it, that I would fall in love with him.
Why? I asked her startled.
Well, I knew you wouldn't be able to resist this guy she said nonchalantly, He is just a very special guy you know....
OH, and HE IS!!!! He has taken my heart by surprise and I love him so much! I can't believe that this is happening in LA to me! LA will always be such a good memory for me just because of him and Klodi! haha,now, WHO would have thought that after my first fierce resentments against this city......but as destiny has it, this twist and turn of happenings makes this city really a city of angels for me
which there are: Klodi, Dany the Gipsy, my love! Keita, my soulbrother and inspiring friend, and some unknown souls that I will probably meet. But theser are really enough for me to be unconditionally happy and grateful towards life despite the difficulties and tough learning lessons that I am going through with my sister, the genius...
Ahhhh, and everybody asks me 'whats happening Piranha, are you in love?'
oh man, is it so obvious? it must be. I am radiating like a nuclear bomb i guess. oh, better like the sun rising over my magic beach in Malibu .... I could jump all the time and I am such a silly and funny person now, my wife is very amused.....
And Dany makes me melt away and his sense of humour is so sexy and He is the best thing that could have happened to me. and he says he feels like he is five years older than me hahahaha. and i am two years older than him. but he is really mature and he is SUCH A GOOD GUY!!!! and now, dear blogger and miscellaneous readers of this blablablog: thats SOMETHING! THAT PIRANHA IS IN LOVE WITH A GOOD GUY. and not an asshole, as usual. and also: PIRANHA DOESN"T CARE kissing her Gipsy in the middle of the hollywood blvd (his reaction 'what, you don't care? is that a movie or something?') or in the school ('what you don't care? what if someone sees us? what should they think? that you are my girlfriend or what?')
I mean, EEVERYBODY in his class thinks already since weeks that I am his girl. So why not make that a statement....
I LOVE HIM
so
MUCH
that hasn't happened to me i think since five years straight. I know that last year with J I was in love too, in a way, I felt like on a cloud, all the tiredness came out, I was a cuddly sweet person and I couldn't believe that we found each other again and that it felt so good with him....We sort of slipped into this relationship and were like on an island together......but this feeling now is so overwhelming and I cannot define it other than being head over heels in love. IT IS SO CRAZY!
I start opening up more and more, I can't get enough of my Gipsy, I want to be with him ALL the time, even if it is only for five minutes inbetween classes, which I, of course, stretch to nice 10 minutes, taking the bad of coming late....I am not going to spoil this wonderful time with stupid rules of life in school or work. I seriously don't care right now, and hey, I know thats not a good thing, but i couldn't care less, really.....Gipsy, however, makes me go to classes and wants me to do good in school and I realize thats what J was talking about last year...that when you are together with someone, you DO CARE.
I, for example, care about Dany's health to the point that I yell at him because I think he should freakin go see a doctor when he just broke his freakin thumb! I care about him eating only once a day and then it is most of the time pizza and sprite. Hell thats NOT HEALTHY! I care about him being good at what he is doing (producing/engineering), I care about him in every way I can imagine. Drive save, my love, damn, do sth about your back problems, and oh, oh can't' you stay with me a little longer???
I think about him ALL THE TIME. I DO. My wife Klodi talks about her good and bad in her life, and when I start to talk, it is about HIM. hahahahaha. She loves it though, because she adopted him as her brother already long ago and she just told me today when we were sitting in 'my' french room (Brasserie Les Voyons on Hollywood Blvd) having wine and cigarettes and the obligatory apple tart (Dany wants me to not smoke at all, by the way. I don't smoke much but he thinks I shouldn't do it at all....Keita does so too and they are in good company and tradition with J who reacted furiously when I started smoking this spring after having been a very active anti-smoker for all my life to this point) ahm, what was I talking about, ah, about my wife telling me at my french room that she KNEW it, that I would fall in love with him.
Why? I asked her startled.
Well, I knew you wouldn't be able to resist this guy she said nonchalantly, He is just a very special guy you know....
OH, and HE IS!!!! He has taken my heart by surprise and I love him so much! I can't believe that this is happening in LA to me! LA will always be such a good memory for me just because of him and Klodi! haha,now, WHO would have thought that after my first fierce resentments against this city......but as destiny has it, this twist and turn of happenings makes this city really a city of angels for me
which there are: Klodi, Dany the Gipsy, my love! Keita, my soulbrother and inspiring friend, and some unknown souls that I will probably meet. But theser are really enough for me to be unconditionally happy and grateful towards life despite the difficulties and tough learning lessons that I am going through with my sister, the genius...
Ahhhh, and everybody asks me 'whats happening Piranha, are you in love?'
oh man, is it so obvious? it must be. I am radiating like a nuclear bomb i guess. oh, better like the sun rising over my magic beach in Malibu .... I could jump all the time and I am such a silly and funny person now, my wife is very amused.....
And Dany makes me melt away and his sense of humour is so sexy and He is the best thing that could have happened to me. and he says he feels like he is five years older than me hahahaha. and i am two years older than him. but he is really mature and he is SUCH A GOOD GUY!!!! and now, dear blogger and miscellaneous readers of this blablablog: thats SOMETHING! THAT PIRANHA IS IN LOVE WITH A GOOD GUY. and not an asshole, as usual. and also: PIRANHA DOESN"T CARE kissing her Gipsy in the middle of the hollywood blvd (his reaction 'what, you don't care? is that a movie or something?') or in the school ('what you don't care? what if someone sees us? what should they think? that you are my girlfriend or what?')
I mean, EEVERYBODY in his class thinks already since weeks that I am his girl. So why not make that a statement....
I LOVE HIM
so
MUCH
Monday, December 05, 2005
love poetry for my Gipsy....well, i didn't give it to him...but it s inspired by him
I see his smile in my imagination…
It’s incredible, and so full of love and appreciation….
His voice gives my name a whole new value
I drink his love like fresh due in the morning
I sleep in his presence like a childlike angel,
All I want is he watching over me at night
Give me your heart and I give you my soul
Let them dance, red passion tangolike fight
He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now, he is the world to me
He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now my eyes connect to my heart and see
Here is a trashcan, put your analysis in there already
Nothing is more disturbing than reality cut in pieces in this season
Try to understand your heart again and again, try to be steady
Make it’s voice so powerful that it can’t be controlled by reason
You know that you are right its voice is condemning
All the doubting energy that you were pending
Is floating away his smiles sweeps it away
I know that I am not led astray
You are so not what I thought you would be
but now oh now you mean the world to me
You are so not what I thought you would be
can you feel, oh can you feel how you set me free?
Love is running all through me through me through me
waves are crushing in ebbing in and ebbing out
cleanse me from the remains of all previous doubt
It’s incredible, and so full of love and appreciation….
His voice gives my name a whole new value
I drink his love like fresh due in the morning
I sleep in his presence like a childlike angel,
All I want is he watching over me at night
Give me your heart and I give you my soul
Let them dance, red passion tangolike fight
He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now, he is the world to me
He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now my eyes connect to my heart and see
Here is a trashcan, put your analysis in there already
Nothing is more disturbing than reality cut in pieces in this season
Try to understand your heart again and again, try to be steady
Make it’s voice so powerful that it can’t be controlled by reason
You know that you are right its voice is condemning
All the doubting energy that you were pending
Is floating away his smiles sweeps it away
I know that I am not led astray
You are so not what I thought you would be
but now oh now you mean the world to me
You are so not what I thought you would be
can you feel, oh can you feel how you set me free?
Love is running all through me through me through me
waves are crushing in ebbing in and ebbing out
cleanse me from the remains of all previous doubt
Friday, December 02, 2005
okay i ll write a short one
i just looked through my exuberant posts and decided i have to make a short one
i
am
falling
in
love
with
my
gipsy
DAMN
i
am
falling
in
love
with
my
gipsy
DAMN
butterflies. although it is winter?
oh man!
let me think...how long has it been now that I've seen my Gipsy more or less on a regular basis?
maybe three, four weeks? maybe five? I don't remember. it was before Halloween for sure. definetely...because Fred, his fucked up pothead friend drove me in a kick ass car with kick ass music to this boring west hollywood gay parade...
so...five weeks maybe, maybe less, seems like an eternity anyways. I remember that evening when he came to 'my room' as we call this beautiful french restaurant on Hollywood Blvd, Brasserie les Voyons...My wife and me were having wine, cigarettes and applepie, apple tart it is actually, and I don't remember why he joined us.
She left at some point and we were talking and holding hands and he said 'I am glad we met again'. I remember how I started to raise this wall inside and how I tried to fight it because Keita just had mentioned this wall a few hours earlier, as if he had seen right through me...I couldn't hold the tears back for some reason I didn't say much but it sure was a special moment, yeah I know I know I blogged about that already in another post....
anyways....I hung out with him because it was so easy going and so cool to be with someone who completely lets you free, isn't it ironic....someone who calls you 'wild child full of grace' and who says with this wonderful wonderful voice 'you know, Piranha, I think we should write this chapter together...' who wouldn't want to explore a little bit more and taste from this wild, sweet wine that makes you a little drunk, drunk of freedom in a bottle?
I kept on flirting with other guys, dated other guys. Sean was on my mind, always, somewhen Luis played a role and Keita was always there but I knew always that he for sure would be a heart friend but nothing more....unfortunately, but I cannot help but follow this inner voice that warns me every now and then....
The Gipsy was cool with that. 'do your thing' was his motto but he still would call me a lot and whenever I had enough I just would tell him 'hey, the wild child s making me some trouble i can't see you'.
However, as we spent more and more time together, who d be surprised, things transformed bit by bit...guys fell off me like leaves fall off a withering flower. the excitement and confusion of the first weeks dwindled down to some little fits of outbursting flirt attacks and mind struggles of mine...
I started getting pissed off because Gipsy had to leave my motorhome in the middle of the night to see his obscure gipsy cousins or just be at home at his aunts house....I started getting pissed off because he only eats once a day, and then pizza. my god, thats fucking BAD for you! aaargh. I started to hold his hand even around my school although it was sort of clear between us that this was a taboo.
PIRANHA CAN"T BE ANYONES GIRLFRIEND!
yesterday he stayed at my house again...actually he had to leave again but when I woke up around six o clock in the morning he was still there....and you know, those beautiful moments when you just wake up there are no inhibitions and borders between you and the person you sleep next to? I put my arms around him and held him tight and felt so close to him....incredible beautiful feeling that is.....passionate kisses, 'piranha, oh piranha' followed by some crazy rumanian words....that i didn't understand of course....
then I met my wife in my room at Brasserie les Voyons. He again joined us and later when we were back to school I chatted with a friend of mine in Berlin....I told her about my Gipsy and we talked and talked and as she is dating a rumanian guy as well she told me how to say 'kiss me' and 'i love you' in rumanian and she concluded from what I wrote 'Piranha, you love him!'
me, of course, paranoid, 'no, no, not in this way, you know blablablabla'
when he joined me and my wife later as we were playing together (she piano, me singing) I took his hand while she was organizing something....I said 'seruta me', kiss me and we kissed...IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL BUILDING....he smiled such a cute smile and said 'wow you are getting braver, i dig that!'
i was embarrassed and looked away but man, today, the whole evening, i feel these butterflies and I am all silly and laughing hysterically like a stupid 13 year old girl that has a highschool crush on somebody. My wife is mightyly amused of course and very satisfied because she as among those people who bugged me to make a decision...but how could i make a decision? I don't know, but man, these butterflies. and it s so weird, because now, when I see him, I am nervous and don't know what to do and how to act and shit, and thats after at least three weeks of trusting moments and being close to each other in some way or the other.
I turn away when he comes, 'oh no he is coming' and talking about him all the time and I want to fucking see him all the time and there is no freakin reason to feel this way...except for
those
weird
weird
butterflies.........fly, butterfly, fly!
let me think...how long has it been now that I've seen my Gipsy more or less on a regular basis?
maybe three, four weeks? maybe five? I don't remember. it was before Halloween for sure. definetely...because Fred, his fucked up pothead friend drove me in a kick ass car with kick ass music to this boring west hollywood gay parade...
so...five weeks maybe, maybe less, seems like an eternity anyways. I remember that evening when he came to 'my room' as we call this beautiful french restaurant on Hollywood Blvd, Brasserie les Voyons...My wife and me were having wine, cigarettes and applepie, apple tart it is actually, and I don't remember why he joined us.
She left at some point and we were talking and holding hands and he said 'I am glad we met again'. I remember how I started to raise this wall inside and how I tried to fight it because Keita just had mentioned this wall a few hours earlier, as if he had seen right through me...I couldn't hold the tears back for some reason I didn't say much but it sure was a special moment, yeah I know I know I blogged about that already in another post....
anyways....I hung out with him because it was so easy going and so cool to be with someone who completely lets you free, isn't it ironic....someone who calls you 'wild child full of grace' and who says with this wonderful wonderful voice 'you know, Piranha, I think we should write this chapter together...' who wouldn't want to explore a little bit more and taste from this wild, sweet wine that makes you a little drunk, drunk of freedom in a bottle?
I kept on flirting with other guys, dated other guys. Sean was on my mind, always, somewhen Luis played a role and Keita was always there but I knew always that he for sure would be a heart friend but nothing more....unfortunately, but I cannot help but follow this inner voice that warns me every now and then....
The Gipsy was cool with that. 'do your thing' was his motto but he still would call me a lot and whenever I had enough I just would tell him 'hey, the wild child s making me some trouble i can't see you'.
However, as we spent more and more time together, who d be surprised, things transformed bit by bit...guys fell off me like leaves fall off a withering flower. the excitement and confusion of the first weeks dwindled down to some little fits of outbursting flirt attacks and mind struggles of mine...
I started getting pissed off because Gipsy had to leave my motorhome in the middle of the night to see his obscure gipsy cousins or just be at home at his aunts house....I started getting pissed off because he only eats once a day, and then pizza. my god, thats fucking BAD for you! aaargh. I started to hold his hand even around my school although it was sort of clear between us that this was a taboo.
PIRANHA CAN"T BE ANYONES GIRLFRIEND!
yesterday he stayed at my house again...actually he had to leave again but when I woke up around six o clock in the morning he was still there....and you know, those beautiful moments when you just wake up there are no inhibitions and borders between you and the person you sleep next to? I put my arms around him and held him tight and felt so close to him....incredible beautiful feeling that is.....passionate kisses, 'piranha, oh piranha' followed by some crazy rumanian words....that i didn't understand of course....
then I met my wife in my room at Brasserie les Voyons. He again joined us and later when we were back to school I chatted with a friend of mine in Berlin....I told her about my Gipsy and we talked and talked and as she is dating a rumanian guy as well she told me how to say 'kiss me' and 'i love you' in rumanian and she concluded from what I wrote 'Piranha, you love him!'
me, of course, paranoid, 'no, no, not in this way, you know blablablabla'
when he joined me and my wife later as we were playing together (she piano, me singing) I took his hand while she was organizing something....I said 'seruta me', kiss me and we kissed...IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL BUILDING....he smiled such a cute smile and said 'wow you are getting braver, i dig that!'
i was embarrassed and looked away but man, today, the whole evening, i feel these butterflies and I am all silly and laughing hysterically like a stupid 13 year old girl that has a highschool crush on somebody. My wife is mightyly amused of course and very satisfied because she as among those people who bugged me to make a decision...but how could i make a decision? I don't know, but man, these butterflies. and it s so weird, because now, when I see him, I am nervous and don't know what to do and how to act and shit, and thats after at least three weeks of trusting moments and being close to each other in some way or the other.
I turn away when he comes, 'oh no he is coming' and talking about him all the time and I want to fucking see him all the time and there is no freakin reason to feel this way...except for
those
weird
weird
butterflies.........fly, butterfly, fly!
either he fucked me over or he is just amazingly nice or something else strange is wrong with him
I just bought myself a 15 inch G4 Powerbook, second hand but I bumped the RAM up to one gigabyte and am just happy that I finally, after two years of being torn apart between PC and Mac and blablabla, made up my mind and freakin bought it!!!
and now here is the deal: I got the G4 for 1200 $, all in all it was 1500$ with the RAM upgrade and airport installation.
the guy, a seemingly nice person from India, gave me the charger, the keypad protection thing, microsoft office, tiger, final cut pro for free.
and when I just walked out of the store he came after me and said he'd get two other powerbooks of that kind and if they are in a better condition than my powerbook I could get one of these....but sure, i can take the powerbook home over the weekend, no problem.
now, girls and guys, I found that fucking amazing. it was just SO NICE that I had the feeling it can't be true.
isn't it funny how we always thing there must be something wrong when somebody is just so nice to you?
maybe this computer is freakin crap and stupid naive me was being fucked over. wouldn't be the first time I believe some strangers.
but my gipsy, Sean AND gipsy's brother who is kick ass with computers all approved of that powerbook prior to me buying it. my brother in law said it is a really good deal to get it for 1200 $
AND it has 1 year warranty to it, i can go to any apple store and get my powerbook fixed in case sth is wrong. and i always can ask those nice guys (the guy from India and the half Jamaican half American dude) in this store for help. for any help.
when I walked -well rather jumped and ran - back to school I sang full heartedly all my love out for this life and world, saw myself giving kick ass concerts and man, was I happy.
funny how things can make me overboardingly happy, i just don't know where to put all this energy....love love love......as in this nice Morcheeba song.....(trigger hippie)
now I ll start posting pics, in the near future (I guess it will take me another two or three weeks but then expect a burner image flood of how i see los angeles and other things in my life!), go visit you blogger and blogginas more often and have a private room of my own in my bagpack YAH!!!
one love!
piranha, always on the move, in my mind, in my soul, with my feet and shake that ass!!! :-)
and now here is the deal: I got the G4 for 1200 $, all in all it was 1500$ with the RAM upgrade and airport installation.
the guy, a seemingly nice person from India, gave me the charger, the keypad protection thing, microsoft office, tiger, final cut pro for free.
and when I just walked out of the store he came after me and said he'd get two other powerbooks of that kind and if they are in a better condition than my powerbook I could get one of these....but sure, i can take the powerbook home over the weekend, no problem.
now, girls and guys, I found that fucking amazing. it was just SO NICE that I had the feeling it can't be true.
isn't it funny how we always thing there must be something wrong when somebody is just so nice to you?
maybe this computer is freakin crap and stupid naive me was being fucked over. wouldn't be the first time I believe some strangers.
but my gipsy, Sean AND gipsy's brother who is kick ass with computers all approved of that powerbook prior to me buying it. my brother in law said it is a really good deal to get it for 1200 $
AND it has 1 year warranty to it, i can go to any apple store and get my powerbook fixed in case sth is wrong. and i always can ask those nice guys (the guy from India and the half Jamaican half American dude) in this store for help. for any help.
when I walked -well rather jumped and ran - back to school I sang full heartedly all my love out for this life and world, saw myself giving kick ass concerts and man, was I happy.
funny how things can make me overboardingly happy, i just don't know where to put all this energy....love love love......as in this nice Morcheeba song.....(trigger hippie)
now I ll start posting pics, in the near future (I guess it will take me another two or three weeks but then expect a burner image flood of how i see los angeles and other things in my life!), go visit you blogger and blogginas more often and have a private room of my own in my bagpack YAH!!!
one love!
piranha, always on the move, in my mind, in my soul, with my feet and shake that ass!!! :-)
Thursday, December 01, 2005
settle down
funny how life goes.
the one guy who let me completely free, did not bother me with his emotions and shit, the one guy who called me from the very beginning a 'whild child full of grace' is the one with whom I slowly but surely slip into something that other people label as 'relationship' but what we refuse to see as such. That is, I am completely free to do whatever I have to do but the funny thing is that I don't want to because I don't want to hurt him.
I saw Jay a last time again, just the other night, and man, the next morning - I just missed my gipsy so much.
Keita is still a very important person in my life though and so is Sean. But I don't have any ambitions to develop these friendships into something physical at all....
It is so special to be with my gipsy, he is such a special special person...So is keita but but but, whatever will be will be, everything is fine as it is right now. Keita would need and demand total commitment, I couldn't give that to him and we both know that.
It s funny how you sort of get addicted to kissing and spending time with a certain person once you've been there. it s funny how i become such a sweet and cute person when you forget about my mean attacks and upset yelling fits every now and then....they come inclusive the package, man i was freakin conceived in ITALY. so no surprises! i warned you!
Oh Gipsy, you found your way somehow, sneaked into my heart......so what are we going to do now....what are we going to do now with that....should i just forget about you being five months younger than my little brother? (that makes you two years younger) should i just not analyze that much no more?
Gipsy, Gipsy....
the one guy who let me completely free, did not bother me with his emotions and shit, the one guy who called me from the very beginning a 'whild child full of grace' is the one with whom I slowly but surely slip into something that other people label as 'relationship' but what we refuse to see as such. That is, I am completely free to do whatever I have to do but the funny thing is that I don't want to because I don't want to hurt him.
I saw Jay a last time again, just the other night, and man, the next morning - I just missed my gipsy so much.
Keita is still a very important person in my life though and so is Sean. But I don't have any ambitions to develop these friendships into something physical at all....
It is so special to be with my gipsy, he is such a special special person...So is keita but but but, whatever will be will be, everything is fine as it is right now. Keita would need and demand total commitment, I couldn't give that to him and we both know that.
It s funny how you sort of get addicted to kissing and spending time with a certain person once you've been there. it s funny how i become such a sweet and cute person when you forget about my mean attacks and upset yelling fits every now and then....they come inclusive the package, man i was freakin conceived in ITALY. so no surprises! i warned you!
Oh Gipsy, you found your way somehow, sneaked into my heart......so what are we going to do now....what are we going to do now with that....should i just forget about you being five months younger than my little brother? (that makes you two years younger) should i just not analyze that much no more?
Gipsy, Gipsy....
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