do tears nourish love like my garden plants or shit?

damn, i wonder why i am so fucking emotional.
there are several reasons that would explain it away:
1. I am freakin piscies
2. I am PMS-ing (but that counts only half way cuz i've been crying out of my PMS days too)
3. I am over reacting, hysterical, extreme

maybe i am just in love. and try to look for the exit door but man, it sucks to even think about it!

i just 'talked' to dany on the phone. he was apparently just hanging out with his cousins *insert annoyed face here* and - didn't talk. after my first waterfall of words about what Santa Claus brought me (a really cool jacket, jeans and sexy shirt) I stopped saying things too and so we spent some minutes saying nothing, and damn right, i refused saying something just as I did back in the days with my best friend B. whom I wanted to force saying things by being mute on the phone. (didn't work either)
so he asks m e finally whether he can call me back later, like in 20 min or later that night (yeah right, I'd be surprised if you really did call after all) and i say sure thats ok, yeah i am so whatever. then i hang up and there are just tears running down my face and some stupid sobs coming out my chest and I think gosh, WTF, whats happening....so i walk and walk until i calm down. i think gee, i gotta just respect that it is like that. I have no clue about his relation to the cousins and whatever is going on and when he can't tell, god, then thats what i have to deal with right? *sighs* i just think of how cool i had a conversation about god and the world just a few hours ago - with KEITA. jesus. whatever?!? why do i have to be cool with complicated people? i thought he wasn't complicated. haha. man, piranha, of course he is. you only fall in love with complicated weirdos.
then he wrote me a message like he is so pissed off and bored.
and all i think is: wouldn't your big cousin john do what he really wants to and give a fuck?
wouldn't anybody do that?
when do you grow up?
whats the matter?

but i don't wanna be a stupid girlfriend. i just write back that he should come then and see me or call me and go for a walk. and that it s cool and i love him.
bla
you know.....damnit!

then i think back to all the times i cried with him and i realize damn, it s been quite a few times already. once when he said he'd leave in three months, once in his car when i didn't know why exactly, oh i knew why, because i made myself imagine being in love with other people because it scared the hell out of me to think i am actually really in love with him and then when he said he'd have to die early and then when he called me at six AM when he almost got alcohol poisoned after his cousins 18 birthday in a stripclub and hotelroom and now again....

gee i am such a pussy

or do you think that maybe....tears just show....that i .... i don't know?