love & sex - take the loose ends and tie them back together

I don't say I regret anything. I was messing around with guys over the last half past year and I did it deliberately and on purpose. And I guess it is in a way good because that's what I felt I had to do in that moment. So I also don't see anything slutty in that because I believe that when you actually are genuine and true to what you want and feel you oughta to do what you have to do.

When I was younger I thought that sex and love are inseparable for me. I always turned down the boys that wanted to go out with me even when I was in love with them. I really wanted to be sure that it was 'the right one' before I got myself into anything. When I got older I realized that I would have to losen that philosophy somewhat up. I still believed and still do believe in 'the one' to come but I am more relaxed and open to what life offers me...
However, over the course of the last six months I also realized that it is still worth to wait and that I don't have to, by no means, to hurry anything.
Awww.
So I waited so long until my first time. I was faithful to Pedro who was lost in his foggy drugged out state of mind, throwing his soul and our love away like nothing....I saved energy for him, I went jogging for him, I considered and deconsidered taking drugs for him. Going jogging and disciplining myself made more sense for me, I thought, gosh when he is lacking discipline I will do for him... My first time was indeed very special and wonderful, and I will never regret it although this columbian sexy motherfucker was married, which I found out like one week later and my drummer and ya all know that you shouldn't mess around with a bandmember, right?
But then..in berlin....being together with J was very difficult for me, it was so beautiful and in the same time my doubts and what not just frustrated the fuck out of me. And I thought with him I would eventually be making love but I ran away big time and it led me to believe that maybe I am just that way... not really being able to bring sex and love together...you know...the sexual phantasies with actual love. love was something that is oh so tender and so loving, yeah, haha, and so.... sacred and holy and sex, for waht reason ever, lets blame society, is rather dirty, instinctive, animalic, physical and the real hot stuff, man, how could I ever show that somebody whom I just showed my soul and heart?
I always dug though mindsex in combination with sex. (hail Dead Prez ;-) and it was always important for me but thats something else...you can have a blast of a conversation with somebody and than a blast of sex and it is all fine....but when it comes to my heart, the beauty of soul....and love....awww. I didn't see the connection really.

And I came up with one more intellectually very witty and seemingly worthy excuse: I don't think that love is monogamous, only relationships are, if so agreed upon but love, no ways, dude, I can love many people in the same time in different special ways....and well, I still believe in that but I understand now the people who say are you fucking crazy because I myself now don't want to be with anybody else than with my gipsy anymore....And I thought, hey, cool, I gonna hold hands with Gipsy and be alll romantic with him while having a hot affair with Jayjay and planning on a gorgeous romantic once in a lifetime experience with Eddy at a beach in Malibu, trying to find out how to crack Seans barriers and so on blablabla. You know...for every type of love someone else....
That ain't gonna work no more for me, sorry world, I have been caught in midfall and been turned upside down and now I look at the world from an entirely new and different angle, it is full of love...and I still love people and flirt with people (hey and I said people and not exlusively men!) but all those different special types of love that you can think of inbetween a man and a woman I want to share now only with HIM.

and I didn't think it, but Dany is the one who takes those loose ends and ties them back together for me. He is the one with whom I will finally finally make love in the real way. And I understand suddenly why in the fuck people want to fuck at all, wait I meant, want to make love at all: you just want to be so close to each other you can't help it. thats the love overwhelming you and you want to be close, closer the closest possible...
and its not that the physical would undermine or overpower the emotional or intellectual bounds, no ways, it simply intensifies the colours of the love that profuses everything, all that you are, I am, we are....

My Gipsy is the best thing that could have happened to me. And I am listening to the Doors....'Girl you gotta love your man. Girl you gotta love your man.Take him by the hand, make him understand...' Riders in the storm....
My Gipsy, the way he is, the way he loves me, the way he loves being with me, the way he touches me and makes me feel, my gipsy takes the ends and ties them back together, he gives me back what I always believed in: that sex and love are actually, after all intrinsically intertwined...b.ecause.....I ve seen the other side and I know, although we didn't get that far yet, I know already that it will be oh so so so sweet sweet sweet loving.

and I suddenly understand all those people who dig sex the way they do.