fuck me

this weekend was terrible.
i didn't get to see Dany at all and that because I fucking try to juggle my private life with being there for my sister (and her family of course). then on sunday I embarrassed the shit out of myself calling him a million times and being in a bad mood on the fucking phone, just to write desperate love-text messages afterwards.

i mean, WTF????

talking to him on the phone is killing me. I hate it. I mean, i HATE it.
and then there were always his fucking gypsy cousins around and for some rediculous reason i was embarrassed to talk to him knowing that they were there too.
fuck.
yeah and he sounded so different too, around his cousins, so 'that's cool man' like . and 'whatever'. yeah. fuck that. and i started hating that and i guess i just don't know how the fudge to handle those kind of stupid feelings. miss miss miss. waa!
thats not me, i mean, hey, i' ve always thought it is rediculous when people miss each other so much they can't do anything else no more, because, hey, relax, develop yourself when you are on your own, have fun and then, when you meet there's gonna be a lot to share!

yeah. whatever. whatever.

then i hung out with Keita yesterday night. we went jamming and writing songs at the beach and ate a pizza later together and had a LOT of fun. he wants to marry me. oh man. but he knows about Dany and said, that there is nothing one can do about something like that. i told him again that i really want our friendship to develop further and man, who knows what the future holds for us. when he smiles his face lightens up and love pours out and flows into space. thats amazing. i just can't imagine anything physical with him.
but then again, i couldn't imagine that with Dany either and see where we are now. that horrifies me. to think that. i mean, fuck, does that mean that love is just random? fuck that. ah.
so i call dany again and it s again horrible to talk to him and not being able to see him. and i feel i really have to see him ASAP so i can understand why i am feeling that way. that i love him. and still do. oh, oh, oh.

and then i am freakin afraid that maybe it wasn't good after all to tell the whole world how much i love him because now i feel so exhausted..

in the bust today i talked again to him and i was so bad. i was in such a bad mood. i wasn't cool, not at all. NOT COOL. and when i hung up i tried to understand what the fuck is happening to me and i guess it is somesort of PPMS (pre pms) and fears overwhelming me, this fucking reaction of mine to cut off anything that makes me happy, to serve the drama queen inside, to rise this wall again

and FUCK I NEED TO SEE YOU IN ORDER TO TEAR THIS WALL DOWN AGAIN.

i need to see you immediately.

fuck me. maybe it s also that i am scared because we'll take it on a new level now that we both have our test results back and everything seems to be fine.

maybe maybe.

man i should stop thinking and analyzing. fuck that. fuck me.

awwww