awe. girl you gotta love your man, take him by the hand, make him understand...

I jumped on the bed and looked through the little space between the curtain and wall to see him driving away in the blue car.
Once upon a time, there was a Gipsy....
and he met a wild child, full of grace....
and somehow they decided to write this chapter together...

My goddess, I thought, while imagining him in the car, waiting at the red light, thinking of me and how much I adore red lights because they allow me to kiss him real quick. My goddess, my goddess, this is just like having won the BIG price in Lotto or something like that, whatever it is called like here in America. And I WON IT! ME! I CAN"T BELIEVE IT REALLY!!!!!!!!!!

Do you remember how I felt about my David from Zimbabwe? That it felt like having five out of six right in Lotto? Well, now this is the price. This is the bang. This is AMAZING.

I sat there, with slightly shattering teeth, in disbelief of what just had happened. It was five in the morning, I had like two hours to sleep left and I felt like a queen, like the child under a lucky start that Christina from Schottland said I was.
It was nothing like I had expected. I know and feel that I love him so so SO much. I didn't worry about how it would be like to sleep with him. Because it doesn't matter, with D. I would happily agree with anybody who says that it gets better and better with every time. Our kisses got better and better! Last year in Berlin I didn't want that, I said I want an experienced older guy (in his 30s) who can show me how to love, I didn't want to wait and practice with my ex until it got better. Now I know that this was just another stupid excuse of mine, a cover-up as D. said yesterday, because D. has already realized that I do a lot of explaining, rational excusing and many people see my point but he sees the truth. I was simply not enough in love with my ex to want to go through this process.

So I was like 'whatever!' que sera sera! whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, what will be will be!
And then....I was sometimes a little afraid that he would be an immature little 20 year old boy because he is as a matter of fact only 20 years old, although he says he sometimes feels like he is five years older than me (shut up already!). But I was ready to go through anything for him.
And then.....yesterday night......we didn't go down all the way but we certainly got onto a new level in our physical and emotional relationship. I cried so hard on the way back home in his car, and I didn't even know exactly why. When we where walking by the Green Room we walked by Sean and I freaked a little bit out afterwards because i felt so bad that I didn't say Sean hello really and D got pissed off because I just had told him some hours before that I didn't care about people seeing us at all...and then this....and my wife Klodi got mightly pissed off. 'you have to think sometimes for two Piranha' she said angrily. And I agreed, my GOD, now i understand what J. meant last year about when you are in a relationship you care for the other person as if it was you. Now I understand. I felt bad and I got into an argument with Dany later because I was so sad that he said he would have to leave at two or three. aaaaaaargh! But that wasn't the reason for me crying....I feel emotionally so exhausted, this turmoil these last days....falling and falling and falling ....
in love....

As I cried I thought about how I was with 13, this girl, who believed in love, dreams, future, all this.....who lived in full trust. I thought of Anu, my cosma sister in Bale, Switzerland, how we had tea breakfasts together in her kitchen high above the streets and how the ZEN energy of hers balanced me out and gave me peace of mind. How I played songs to her and how she loved it and how I read her my short stories and how she loved that too.
I thought about my ex in berlin and his face and tried to retrack what I felt for him and I thought about countless guys and tried to apply this feeling I have for Dany to their face. Thanks God, it didn't work, but why, why do I do that anyways? Why can't I just let it be?
I dont' know, I cried silently, the Doors, Rider in the Storm, Girl take your man by his hand, Girl you gotta love your man.......
And Dany just lets me cry, loving, caring, being there, it s allright Piranha, there is nothing wrong with that. Later he asked me what happened and I stumbled and drowned in my tears which I just had pushed back and didn't exactly know what to say....and then I remembered that I actually had told him already, I said, I wrote it to you today. No, he replied but I insisted so he read my messages from today and there it was:

"I am truly sorry ( about the thing with Sean) and don't tell me I shouldn't be. and Dany, te yubesk so much I want to cry"

He took my hand. Don't be afraid. It's allright. - You know, it s the first time in five years that I let something get so close to me, you have to understand, it s not easy, not easy at all but it is beautiful.

Oh my god, writing about that, listening to the doors, to the song 'wild child full of grace' I am filling up with this feeling, awwwwwwe, I am SO SO much in love with my Gipsy.
Later we couldn't let go of each other. He stayed much longer than originally planned. He is such a fabulantastic lover, he made me melt and I felt like in a little while he will be able to crack that wall that I still have. It will crumble and fall and it will be all good.
The cool thing about him is, that everything with him is so wonderful and so natural and so unintrusive, not imposed or enforced at all. NOT AT ALL. And he can hold back and keept control and he can let go and be such a wonderful passionate Dany. and everything is just pure enjoying and joy and beauty. BEAUTY

awwwwwwwe you got my heart and my soul. and my body of course, it is all you, i am your girl, your lady, your wild child your friend your whatever you want me to be....
and thats the first time I ever say this to anybody...

I am all yours...