allright. ALLRIGHT.
'
i was just going to post another post about me and being sillyly in love.
now don't get me wrong. love is the one thing that truly makes the world go round and i really think that every single. yes single soul here counts. (thats why I came here in the first place...to help my niece)
and there is always to be going change, just like there were once dinosaurs and now they are no more. or piranha was never going to smoke and then she did. or piranha wasn't expecting anything like that happening to her before she'd turn 24 and then love, from a woman to a man (as opposed to for example the love to this world), hit her by surprise when she went to warm weather but oh so cold Los Angeles.
one thing, that didn't change however, is my vehement and shaking emotional response that I have towards anything that goes on here on this planet that involves INJUSTICE, VIOLENCE, SUFFERING, CORRUPTION, DESTRUCTION (and no, I don't think that destruction is to be eliminated. it's in the nature of things. destruction, reconstruction....life, death...breathe in, breathe out. but there are most definetely things that i will never be going to accept. it's worth the fight, the struggle, the effort, to create beauty. and love. i am a fighter, after all. although i've slept for a good while in some way)
I came home today, having a hard time letting go of my Gypsy, accepting that he has to go and be with his cousin although he wants to be with me.
But, oh, how good he left.
I came home, everybody sleeping, discovered the live 8 Dvd's, stole some cigarettes from my sister and sat down to watch.
After a couple of songs I started getting goose bumps, then i started shivering like back in the days when i called Pedro or after my first huge orgasm with LA Williams or when I listened to MANA while trying to write an essay back in Berlin in my college...... and then uncontrollably sobbing and crying. I bend down and started crying and praying and oh my god, it might sound all so exxaggerated and whatever, but i start crying as I write that, again.
Yes, tears are not enough, I know. (oh Will Smith sucks big time. awwww. being brought on stage on a throne...'let me see whether i got some fans in philly. fuck. oh fuck that. i mean...in this circumstances...whatever....it s all about having a good time i know ,but come one already. he sucks... Brian Wilson right after him from Berlin...what a difference....oh yes and thats my Berlin...Brandenburger Tor...awww)
and this is exactly why I write this post now.
Strange, how this fits perfectly into this evening. I was talking with my Gypsy about exactly that today. About what I am going to do further..about how there was always pressure on me from the inside and outside to make it big and being able to make a big difference, thats is on more than a local or personal level...I've always felt that I would have trade in my vision of being a great mom for the vision of being that person...or vice versa.....
what i will do, next year, after Musicians Institute and being here for my niece. I fucking should apply to some colleges or universities somewhere on this planet to do what I have to do. But the freaking problem is I don't, I still don't know what I am going to do. Go back to Berlin because of the people there and the city? being able to study and play in little bars my music? (I don't see the point in doing that in America. the music scene here doesn't need nor feed me.) But I can't study law in Berlin, i'd have to go for economics. probably in that cool programme where you study one year in London, then Paris and Madrid...but I am FUCKING sick of one year things!!! it hurts!!! i fall in love with places and people and leaving hurts!!! I want to be somewhere at least for three years. but why will that have to be where gypsy most probably won't be
???
During our conversation he said at some point sth like 'so you will tell a guy about me....' - . .. !! how, how can you say that??? oh man. OH MAN. how. how? i can't conceive of that right now. I can't. it s fucked up.
- The advantage of studying in America or any college based country is, that i can do my bachelor in sociology/economics/philosophy and then go to lawschool. in germany i would have go straight for law and this for seven years or so....But the mere thought of being stuck on a fucking college campus with American Students makes me wanna throw up.
And the mere thought of leaving Dany makes me feel SICK. physically. I start feeling very sick in the are under the solar plexus. awww.
But I know I have to move on. We all have to. I've broken most of my opinions on relationships and love with Dany. I have become jealous of his past and his future that won't, maybe, involve me. I've become someone who wants to be ALL the time with one person, that is him. I've let him touch my soul AND my body. I've imagined having kids with him and marrying him...the last batallion is definetely my inability to comprehend how people could say 'i think i study in city XY because my boyfriend is there'. I'd always say 'fuck, man, go YOUR way, do your thing, don't make it depend on a PERSON!'
we looked at each other and jesus, this fucking went deep. minutes, without saying anything passed by. he said 'go to Berkely. it's one of the best universities here.' 'why' he smiled a little bit 'i'd be able to be there. we could live together'
awww. see, i start breathing heavily again, just thinking about that, this moment, this possibility. awwww.
oh god. oh my god. i start crying again. oh god. goddess. goddess...
to be honest. this sounds more than tempting. why not. but i know, i know, i can't. maybe life will lead me back there. but no. i can't. i can't. and him whispering in my ear 'don't leave me' doesn't make that a bit easier. o god.
i can't see the future and i am happy i don't. i deeply trust in life. it freaks me out that i have to make a move now. life has always provided me with opportunities and doors in last minute (but always thought of on my part in before hand but indeed it was in the end always on short notice that i got into the things i finally did) but i know that i have to plan ahead now. universities require that. sort of.
in europe i could get into almost any educational institution i would want to because i have a freaking good Abitur. I was the third best, i am the prototype for scholarships due to my extracurricular and social activities during highschool. i don't know whether that'd be the same here. and studying here is expensive. other than in europe where i could count on scholarships.
but thats even besides the point. it starts even earlier. me traveling. leavin los angels and for that matter my love as well, to be going to South America. Getting involved. Stripping my life down to what really matters. And oh god, love DOES MATTER!!!! but what I am talking about is my way of living. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be occupied by the kind of every day stupidities that i'd have here to deal with. there will always be everyday issues to deal with, but I want different ones.....I want to study more languages (yes and go to the respective countries and live there for a while) I want to be able to focus on what makes me shiver and shake and I am not talking orgasms here. Hell no. I am talking about what I felt when I listened to 'los desperacidos' by Mana when I was writing that essay. I had an astonishing clarity in my mind and heart about what I want to do in that moment. I knew I want to study human rights and international law and put my energy into what ever I can do with that.
listening and watching to live 8 now of course makes me think: what if I after all would focus on art? do the unexpected...(or do of course both, like Lars said, this guy who helped me with my final installation in Berlin. He knew me for merely a couple of hours but told me when we where celebrating after the performance that he thinks that I could study law AND be an artist or JUST do arts but never JUST law. and gee, i felt he is fucking right. thats why i am here at the musicians institute. to insure my sanity for the case i really study law. to be able to hit clubs at night and play to keep me sane...)
thinking of the empty rooms where i made my art installations in Berlin. of the power and creative energy i felt, the power of conviction and determination. expression. reaching out and touching people. the love to the world. serving the goddess of art. because thats what they do. my spanish dancing teacher. those live 8 performers. they have all a piece of the music/art and although they might not think so, but it's in the end not so much about themselves and what exactly they came up with but that they serve and that through them art comes into being and moves and touches our souls. and when it does so they did a good job. yah.
gypsy and I are the right couple. he can't make any plans and can't commit. i can't either. and we both long out to be able to do exactly that. live the simple life at some point. settle down. have a family. at least five children. the oldest would be a daughter with the beautiful curly dark hair and eyes of her daddy... but yeah, thats the problem...that my vision of my life does not comply with his for his life. his life is and will be music. and focusing on the personal difference. ah whatever. who am i to know....
awwwwwwww. okay. thats okay. que sera sera. but still....awww.
Remember sitting in my mom's car when I was 11 or 12 or 13, crying while listening to 'deep forest' and the innocent djungle voice in that song. thinking 'oh awww man, i am born white in fucking germany. it feels wrong for some fucking reason. i wish i was born in a tribal culture. be a shaman...or once i am here i think i have to save the rain forest....'
Remeber dancing in our kitchen to 'juluka and the sululuka band', envisioning myself on stage, sweating, dancing and singing out loud. to make that difference.
growing up and realizing i'd first have to invest in myself to be able to do that. waking up in los angeles and wondering what the fuck i do here. what did i do during the last years? I am not where I want to be. I want to be actively involved. ACTIVELY. gain more understanding of this world. finding my spot. my vehicle.
thinking of my spanish dancing teacher who LOVES the art and makes a difference right where she is. It's not that I don't understand that you can make a difference no matter where or that the so called developed countries need fucking development aid on a mental and emotional level.
I appreciate all that you do. Everybody has to do what their life is about. And I am just trying to figure out what MY life is about.
...
thinking of my sister J. and what she does. the big youth conference in Brazil next year july. what does initiaion have to do with initiative in our society in which initiaion rituals have lost their meanings (drugs, sex, rock'n'roll for that matter!)
I cry. oh J, I need you. Together we are better. What do you say????????? Yo've always believed in me. What is it????????
I am so tired now, all of the sudden. It's two AM and I am exhausted.
I pray to my guardian angel (and yes I do have one. You should've seen that car...we should' ve been dead. J and I) to guide me to come back onto my path. or stay there. please. I pray. Please help me. guide me. Be there for me. Be there. Show me. Please...
I don't want any money. I don't want that sort of good life. I want meaning in my life. I want to live it. and be there where it matters most.
i makes me fucking sobb uncontrollably when I see these pics from Africa. Refugees. Starving and ill children, human beings. War. In the end, no matter where. maybe i am just not shielded and hard enough yet. but i DO still SEE and talk to homeless people. and cry when I see these pics. maybe I didn't watch enough news because man, we didn't even have a TV growing up. It still hurts me. but also when I READ about minorities being treated inhumanly. environmental destruction. war. People being almost extincted. CEO's who worry about fucked up shit. Greedy fucks. Corrupted souls. Hypocrites.
Looking deep into my own soul
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