i feel a little bit like sitting in a train on a journey with an unknown destination. the feeling of thrilling anxiety and curiosity mingled with the feeling of the fatality inherent to the sounds of the train's determined and irreversibly rolling wheels on the tracks takes over as i sit and look into the face of my new, oh so new life. this is a new chapter, whether i want it or not, and as i am still revelling and suffering in the afterglow of the last one, i feel how a fresh wind is taking my ship into a new direction.

where we go

i don't know

spark

a small tiny little spark only. but your smile ripped some of the clouds apart. i am listening to the beach house on myspace. i revel in photographs of golden times when i was barely 18 years old. and my mind keeps wandering off to the moment the videochat came through yesterday night. and that smile of yours.
today in the doctors office i was reading such interesting articles on movements in the anthroposophical scene. young people opening their minds, asking difficult questions and such. great!
and i. i sit in the doctors office and read. then i think of you. and smile.
there is so many things i still wanna do and find out. maybe i will meet someone. hoping not to be held up by my past.
just keepin on, keepin on.
the beach house music
and it's kind of late at night already. i have a beautiful home.
i love you kiddo, i always will
it's not like that
i will
but you know, we both know that it's time to fly on. and nothing will be lost or forgotten
because i loved you so
and still will
always
so.

it will be okay then

i wasn't going to bed, even though i maybe should have. listening to beach house on myspace and drifting. trying to avoid thoughts that were old and just keepin on, keepin on. it's so hard to defy the temptations. of reminiscing in love that i knew. it's okay, so you just keep on, keep on. there are beautiful people passing by. that girl today, she took me by surprise. so full of life and radiating like a sunbeam in the early summer mornings. asking for my brother. it shook me up. i called him later, crying, telling him how much i love him. i can't even describe. he was embracing my love, just like that. back then. he never doubted it one time. well, hello melancholy. try to be a little more lyrical!

stories of prostitutes on kurfuerstenstrasse. internationally known whore pit. streetwalking ladies, yo, it breaks my heart. behind every story there is a tragedy. rape, neglect, waywardness, sorrow. mothers who beat their kids, looked the other way when their men raped their children. it's breaking my fucking heart. it makes me cry. dad says, well, you can't stop there. you have to figure out how you can grow strong, so you can walk beside them.
i turn my head and i hang my head and cry.
music is the only thing that still can reach that far then.
you give me strength to keep going to keep on to keep on.

i remember sunset blv. the street at night, i was barefeet. i was crying and sobbing on the phone. my mother. bought an international calling card at walgreens. then ran to food4less. they were still open. i just cried. i didn't know what to do. it wasn't the first time that my heart started breaking. but it was the first time that i was so personally affected by it.
aye, how i loved you, my prince, in the shower.
rain is washing away my memories but it's not enough.
i can't bare anything anymore. i am not complaining. i am just saying. i can't bare anything. your chewing, your breathing and drinking tea. the noises drive me crazy. your closeness is drawing me away. your love i can't shelter. i just want to turn the other way and run, run, run into the away.

wings are flashing.
i can't hear you properly
breathing
in and out
in and out
in and out
in and out

it will be okay. if i can only sing
i don't know if i ever have to meet you
again.

there is only salty water in this well.

i cannot write no more
my mind's entangled with love, traces of ghosts all over my soul
linear time system collapsed and i am engulfed in your presence
i know i shouldn't be walking these lines

i look outside the cold, burrowing my hands under the cashmere i wear
i look down my pants and boots and find no sign of familiarity with myself
i look outside the cold and hear them coming and going
music pulsating through the room - not bad - and people smoking
nobody can come close here
i am an island and you are all so distant
he is way closer than you who still live in bodies
he is way more present to me
tears try to find their way through my gorge
i swallow
people die people die, that's life
and people who love each other
desperately
sometimes have to let go

i nod my head and try to flow
try to rid my soul of this knowledge of old
that i had never loved
like that before
and no more.