the slow comes to a halt

snow falling.

and she lifts her burdens and spreads them on the ground
smiling
her invitation still standing
but i know i will not intrude
scared to bother
so i walk away
in the still
in the standing
in the moment of truth.

the eternity of the stillness in this moment grasps my heart and i choke on it for a while.
it tickles the will and the weakness, it makes me sing and cry and scream but there are no sounds and no tears falling
empty flowers, meaningless, entwined around the structures of the past and the old and the sold.

still not lost enough to be found

she sings 'still not lost enough to be found'
and i have closed this book
it's not closing a chapter
but a whole book
and you are both in there now
i am moving on to new horizons
like on a ship, setting sails
leaving on a fresh new morning
love prevails

it's ten in the evening and i have looked back one last time. i will create a folder and let it hide.

i am carrying you in my dreams, in my heart, when i drive down schonhauser boulevard. the night is crispy cold but i have a heater, i remember the driving and i remember our love clearly.
people say, oh my god, can't you let go already, or things like, you aren't really over him yet, huh
but it's not quite like that. i smile, genuinly, when i think of you and your love now. and i mean that girl.
it is not like that at all. i just - still carry you in my heart. i can't really do anything about it or maybe i just don't want to, not soon, anyways. it is precious to me, in many ways, and while the painful tides have ebbed i still make you room in my thoughts, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, when i drive down the alley, when i sing a song.
see, there was a dream once, about you and me in this city. i was here and you begged me to come back. and i did and we had our time. we shared some of it. and things were in the open, they have always been, and even though you predicted some fatalities and knew that some thing were inevitable, i fought against this notion, believing one could forge more than one thought. and sometimes, more than one ought to. you know, so what. now it's come that way. maybe it will be as predicted and people say, well, see.
but i still think, it is so wide and open. this life. and we can't see. only so far. and love is the one thing that pervades and penetrates all these time layers and frames and countries. these walls and if's and should haves and haven't. the not's and the yesses, the things that tear us apart and merge our souls in the eternal some when in the later.
i talk of you with tenderness and pain in my voice, sweet, sweet the sting. and i don't know if i will ever meet my friend again, and i don't know if and how i will ever meet you again but i hope it will be in the magic of the now.
it is what it is
maktub
says the alchemist
as it is written.

nina

how i love you girl. the way you laughed at the beach, swirling staff and poi, dancing with the wind. you moved like reed, singing to the stories carried on the wings of old.
see, i can't put this in words...the mornings i woke at sara's place, her room like a beacon in the sky. like a ship stirring into the unknown. and then you came along. and you made everything so beautiful. your eyes, your way of looking at things in a way that revealed all the magic and beauty in the tiniest details. your soft voice breaking through encrusted wounds and walls that i had built in an effort to survive.
soft and strong your energy and love, elusive and tangible in the same time.
the morning you woke me at 6 am crying on the phone. the opening in your soul that you let me see and let me into your life. i remember driving down to where you lived and your brave, courageous self, trying to scramble the shatters of the unexpected from the floor, trying to piece yourself back together, check with the parameters, the axioms and the coordinates of your system.

soaring into the sky. transcending the old, flying into a now filled with life and new and song.