losers

it s a moment of brief embarrassament to admit to myself that i actually DO care whether my man is a loser or not.

1. Je: I got suspicious when I realized that his recordcompany isn't going as well as he always boasted about. It wouldn't have been that bad if he hadn't boasted around as much. It know it is a tough business and when you work hard you have all my respect. but this was strange. All the time 'the others' were the bad ones. No way he would have ever admitted a mistake. This actually lessened the fascination i initially felt for him and I broke up with him when he was being nitty-gritty about money with me, calling me a fucking Nazi-German. That was a bad joke. I am, by the way only half-german.
2. Nikki: this is way back, in my highschool days, but looking back I have to admit that his love for this bitch increasingly became the sign for me that he is not the one I should be in love with. He had a relationship with this ugly stupid girl, totally annoying personality, and although he admitted being in love with me, he didn't manage to break up with her. My self-respect and her outer appearance reassured me that it was rather because of him being a loser than me being not good enough for him. He is a fat dude now and I was embarrassed having this sentiment when I saw him again, but I actually felt as if I had my revenge now, seeing him being such a loser.
3. Bl:
   he was one of those guys with whom it 'clicked' like that. We met in a club and our eyes talked to each other and eventually he gave me his contact information, I called him, he called back, we met, had good sex, a good talk...nice breakfast...he is very tender, nice, cute, caring... Tall, sportive, with a great smile, Hip Hopper...what do you want more. Oh, I want more of course. But again, despite all the things I found out not to like about him immediately (he is a bit too laid back for me. you know that type of 'oh i chill today' guy. But I want chilling AND action every now and then. And then he is the guy who inspired me to write some of the previous posts...you dig what I mean?) this little strange feeling emerged when I found out more about the success-related things in his life: he has a very interesting and innovative hiphop group but things aren't going that well. I feel a bit strange when saying this, but to be honest, i just felt as if I even don't wanna be part of this whole thing, I don't wanna be drawn into his business-related problems. (oh, and I also got this strange feeling when I listened to his songs which I don't think are cool at all. But then again, he is only 26 and can develop but .nah. not really. if someone commits his life to music and this is what is the outcome I can't but doubt.)
4. J.: he is cool and caring and the type of guy you wanna marry. But just reading his website and compare it to the website of his competition makes me feel like: oh yeah, you shouldn't have too high a self esteem, just look at this. Why do you have to make exactly the same site but so much worse than they do it? You are a loser baby.

I think, however, that a good woman should be interested in the business of her man and that she also should stand behind him and support him in what he does no matter what happens to him or no matter what circumstances... But strangely enough, when i get the feeling, my man is insecure and a loser, I start doubting. So maybe I jsut haven't met the guy I wanna stand behind in the end... But all in all it is very embarrassing to have such sentiments and when I think how much I favor L.A. (whose girlfriend I ll never be unfortunately) who just radiates this convincing success aura and seemingly has his stuff together (and is admittedly the fuckin greatest DJ I have ever seen and the best lover I ever had) I have to start seriously questioning myself and my psyche...