thinking sucks

it really does
i met this gorgeous guy. he looked so cool, so fascinating, so attracting.
i was puzzled by the way he approached me. he showed his affection right away. i liked it because i am used to more guessing since my last affairs were a bit difficult to handle.
i was flattered, sure.
he gave me his number and i actually called him.
he got back to me a few days later. he had been in Bruxells for a concert. he is musician, sure, just as all those guys i meet. either they are musicians or artists. Andi was the exception. teacher...
but anyways. he called me at half past midnight. we decided to meet up as soon as he d return from Stockholm where he was heading to the next day.
but as soon as i had hung up the phone i though fuck, we should meet now, as you never know what happens. accidents, all the works. you know what i mean. another woman ;)
so we met that very night and it was great to see him. it actually felt very familiar. very known. scary somehow.
we had sex. fuck. i actually didn't want to, cuz i thought, since he seems to be a special guy i maybe shouldn't have sex straight away.
it was nice though. i mean, he wasn't like L.A.
L.A. just knows what woman need, but the affection, tenderness and interest he showed in me as a person made it up and gosh, there is plenty room to develop right!?
but then....he talked about his mom. that he had called her when he felt so special in Bruxells. There are all these little religious pictures in his flat. i don't know how old he is. and then this slight overpowered self-lvoe that so many artists have. you know, they have to have it but it's strange anyways.
well. so there were five days until he would come back
i was totally excited the next day. he made me breakfast, was incredibly tender and caring and it was he who said we would have to meet again as soon as he would be back.
that s all nice you know
but now, as i am a woman and think way too much i go through what happened again and again. i shouldn't have had sex with him straight away. i don't know anything about him. i start googeling in internet to see what is there on him. i don't especially like his music too much although he is into hiphop too. i am afraid that i stop liking him because he is not successful enough...i know that sounds stupid. but it was the same with jerome. i don't like being part of that struggle. oh man that sounds so much like crap! fuck ! i am sorry. i am just a mess right now. i start wondering. maybe he is a strange weirdo you know. maybe...
there is no one who could help me now with that, is there anyone?
i don't know.
you know, its like....i wish everything would be cool, you know, i want to fall in love and be happy just for the next two months. but then, i am too enthusiastic always...and then dissapointed...i talk about him as if i was in love with him. all my friends already know. i am a fucking extrovert. and he is maybe just going to commit that mistake to show too much affection and then it gets boring...fuck. i always want the cake and eat it too...man mjamani...take your hat and leave...that scene...