stressed out

i am so stressed out, i feel it in my body, creeping through my veins, tensing up my back, pressuring my chest, filling it with tiny hick ups and sadness and sorrow.
the wind blows cold in berlin these days, i hunch my shoulders and scurry along the streets trying to maintain my breath, my peace but more than often can't piece it back together.
almost got into an accident today, cursed a lot and cried a little, smoked half a cigarette and ate half an apple, trying not to think about life and death but it s hard to do when people you love die around you and people you don't know drive like maniacs. i had a very odd dream about penises in an art performance and my lost love, my gone, shhh not to say ex, whom i tried to kiss in that said dream and who was distant and cold and very clear about that it now was him and that girl who are an item. when he left i tried to play it cool but really i wanted to scream, but it was you and me to the end, don't you remember, we were supposed to work it all out and i am thinking of that drive on PCH from Malibu back to Santa Monica when he was so freaked out what I had to think about and later it was him who let me drop into this vast ocean.
i am trying to maintain my pride, keep self pity at a minimum and make this moving on thing easier and more efficient but i guess the fact that one of my best friend's boyfriend just died doesn't make it all that much easier.
so, this is it, in the midst of trying to orient myself in a new university and a new life with many unknown factors, me in a mess, more or less, stressed out to the max and sad like a bucket of blue paint thrown against a black dreary wall.