I am brewing up a storm inside of me.
And during the conversation I can feel how their attention drifts away again and again and I am not sure if it is because i am lacking convincing arguments or because I am a woman. After endless albeit very interesting turns and twists of the verbal road it seems that the need of re-assurance and putting one´s eloquence and indepth thinking to good use has been satisfied and the conversation ebbs into easier topics such as killing pigs and meat in general.
My body feels light and I want to dance. My thoughts are dancing. I am thirsty for more indepth thinking. I am amused by it and strangely intrigued, everytime I experience it. There IS this need and desire inside of me. Where have I gone wrong? Why in the world have I chosen the paths I have chosen? Why in the world have I not chosen other roads? It is a complete mystery to me. Like all these years in LA - why haven´t I created a different life from what i lived then for myself? Why didn´t I go and get myself a damn car and go to Capoiera classes and dance classes. Why didn´t I join the circus or go climbing? I didn´t even engage myself in social work, - the least I would have expected from myself. I ditched all the opportunities my sister wanted me to take. I lived an utterly and unmistakingly different life from anything that had ever occurred to me as an ideal.
The same goes for my course of studies now. While in general I feel good and in the right place, again and again I pose myself questions as to why I haven´t chosen to study law after all, or at least, for heaven´s sake, sociology/politics as a minor.
My interests and enthusiasms are so widely spread out that it is quite scary to look at them considering my age. I don´t want to pull the age card necessarily but it seems to be on my mind more frequently these days. I remember when I read posts by another blogger who blogged about being black and female and 28. It seemed like an issue that would never pertain to me at that point. However, here I am, white, female, 28. and single. like her.
I need to be engaged more often in conversations like these, which I had tonight. Even if that involves me feeling stupid (because I might be in comparison) or disregarded (because I am a woman and not endowed with the kind of background knowledge they had due to their studies). There is this fire burning inside of me that is concerned with general questions.