i feel so distant now. so distant. so full. so content. so distant though.
there is a tender moment of reminiscing your lips and your vulnerability and your brave explorations. but i am so far, far away.
and when i think about it, i realize i care: i do love that you will be coming over. lover. i am looking forward to it. not tremendously, i am not trembling. but i am looking forward. in the way you remember a dream.
and it makes me wonder: have i burnt my candle from both ends? extensively destroyed everything that i had in store? selling myself out in a giant firework explosion?
i still want you, want you lover. it´s just that i am so far far away. fantasies are nothing but pale reflections of what i have felt when you first spoke to me with your hands.
i am so calm, like the sea.
unstirred by winds or movements from below the earth. no volcanic activities. no tectonic movements struggling in earthquakes. nothing. just plain, quiet, blank.
like - before a tsunami?
and it makes me wonder: is it because i don´t love you lover? don´t i love you? i love your reactions when i pull your hair. your strange eyes. your smile, your care. i love your lips and when you push your tongue deep into me just in the right moment. i love your cock and your skin and you hands, especially. i love how you treat me and how funny you are and how you encounter me. is it because there are no strings attached? is it because i am afraid, that if i fall there won´t be any strings to pull me back up?
is it because i am blind? blind to knowing my own strengths? my own journey and exploration?
do i feel so distant and quiet now because otherwise i would be ripped into pieces by my fears and insecurities and the need for illusions of safety? is it because i fear you´d walk away?
so i am make myself a bit unavailable. hoping you remain the same. just don´t come too close to me. i don´t want to be clingy you see. but if you come too close i will have to fear that you can´t stand me and will leave me. and leaving is alright, we said that, right, lover, leaving is okay. but it just wouldn´t be okay then. and maybe that´s the central point. and maybe that´s also my major misinterpretation. maybe you wouldn´t walk away. maybe the fear of being left behind would dissolve. if i looked deep into it. maybe it would just be a bit more 100% in the moment, a bit more honest and true.
there is a tender moment of reminiscing your lips and your vulnerability and your brave explorations. but i am so far, far away.
and when i think about it, i realize i care: i do love that you will be coming over. lover. i am looking forward to it. not tremendously, i am not trembling. but i am looking forward. in the way you remember a dream.
and it makes me wonder: have i burnt my candle from both ends? extensively destroyed everything that i had in store? selling myself out in a giant firework explosion?
i still want you, want you lover. it´s just that i am so far far away. fantasies are nothing but pale reflections of what i have felt when you first spoke to me with your hands.
i am so calm, like the sea.
unstirred by winds or movements from below the earth. no volcanic activities. no tectonic movements struggling in earthquakes. nothing. just plain, quiet, blank.
like - before a tsunami?
and it makes me wonder: is it because i don´t love you lover? don´t i love you? i love your reactions when i pull your hair. your strange eyes. your smile, your care. i love your lips and when you push your tongue deep into me just in the right moment. i love your cock and your skin and you hands, especially. i love how you treat me and how funny you are and how you encounter me. is it because there are no strings attached? is it because i am afraid, that if i fall there won´t be any strings to pull me back up?
is it because i am blind? blind to knowing my own strengths? my own journey and exploration?
do i feel so distant and quiet now because otherwise i would be ripped into pieces by my fears and insecurities and the need for illusions of safety? is it because i fear you´d walk away?
so i am make myself a bit unavailable. hoping you remain the same. just don´t come too close to me. i don´t want to be clingy you see. but if you come too close i will have to fear that you can´t stand me and will leave me. and leaving is alright, we said that, right, lover, leaving is okay. but it just wouldn´t be okay then. and maybe that´s the central point. and maybe that´s also my major misinterpretation. maybe you wouldn´t walk away. maybe the fear of being left behind would dissolve. if i looked deep into it. maybe it would just be a bit more 100% in the moment, a bit more honest and true.
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