my heart is drowning
but it is alright that you go
i would never want to hold you back
it's just hard to let it all go
i see there is also life coming
but i am at the dark side of the moon
my afternoons drift by slowly
like a sailing boat in still air
i wish i could hug and kiss you like i used to
when you were like my child or little brother
when we were lying under the starry night skies
talking life and death
now you are the pioneer to venture into
what is
after the passage of death.

That we may ever live as friends

(Broken Feathers by The curse ov dialect)

There is no fading, no disappearing
You are always there, faint, like a notion, like a beat that pulses through my blood.
The concept of you not being here on the physical plane is hard to grasp. You were always there. An email away. A phonecall away. And calling you did.
So many people miss you.
My head started hurting after the ostheopathy treatments. Like little blades stabbing in the back and top of my skull.
Listening to a Schubert Orchestra piece tears started streaming like the waterfall that took your life. That you gave your life to.
I went through all the motions one more time. The images of you falling, they are tucked away, carefully, somewhere in the dark spaces inside my soul. At the dark side of the moon.
The moment of trying to bring you back to life and seeing you look increasingly dead. It was merely your body then.

And I was too panicked to even pray or rest or breathe next to your body that you had left. I just crawled through the jungle in shock, calling for help.

I don't know if I can ever forget. I will have to retrieve the lost moments. I will have to forge new ways to understand.
Spiritual gold out of dark blue pain matter.

That we may ever live as friends.

max paul maria

pale moon by max paul maria

i wake up and i am so mad at you. i look in the mirror my eyes are deep holes and everything is distorted.
lets just sing and drink and smoke and forget about everything. dance into the evening.

you are lying there just waiting to DIE!
are you kidding me?
it makes me mad.
you say you envy Joseph.
we all wish we had some more time with him. Also, he meditated. you just breathe and give yourself to your depression. i wanna shake you. fuck.
it's just not my place i guess but i am sending you this in my thoughts: get up and make the most of it. man.
i know you have tried all this time. but don't give up now. don't give up.

the things we do to each other
the things that have been
i am beyond comprehension
i can't cast blame

i am one of them
how can people do this?
i am one of us

strange how i can enjoy
the luxuries of the good life
or so they call it
and yet i would prefer
any day of the week
to live

with the poor.

seeds

forever i have to carry
this seed
buried deep in the deserts
of my soul

full of possibilities
(- the lake! the spirits of wind dancing on the lake
silence shared beneath lanterns! forget the waterfalls! and their eternal song,-)
that my tears cannot bring to life
even if i let it rain hard, -
there is too much salt

sand forever, only stars
- remember that drawing well, remember! -
the snake wrapped
neatly snug around his
ankle
- so you can recognize the place! -

like a lightning only
so he could leave

- write me, in case you meet him
write me because he tamed me -

This Little Prince.

she sings i may know the words and it takes me on the flow of blue secrecies.
i am lost in my longing and loving for you

the earthy color of the dark yellow and orange of the monk's robe is comforting my blue mind
nothing really matters anymore
he says this life it is so short
why not make it about helping other people
i nod my head and see tears in the sky
gathering in the dusty clouds of old times
they are burning the fields these days
to make way for the new
to make way for the new
to make way
way
away.

distant guitar sounds bring me messengers on winged feet
they cry their eyes out on some distant stream
winding down the valleys and hills of rolling thunder
there is word on the street
that you may have come back
but it is wax and pillows only
and dreams evaporating in ricefields
and flies circeling around my body
as if it were merely
a corps

i will go and take a ride
try to find gifts and price
to all i have loved and lost
going with a smile into the
voids of an unknown veil

i am standing here disgusted by all this bullshit and i know i wanted to go deeper.
still, even silence sometimes seems like a pretense.
i just want to be by myself then
or with another.

my heart is so heavy
sometimes i think i ll just throw it all and run away
dedicating it to circus art and music and crazy lifelove
but then it s winter
and it s the end of the semester
and it s the end of that old road
and it s time to get on a new path

it s just that - since it hasn t happen so far
i can t imagine at all
that i would ever fall again
so in love
and this makes me wonder
if i could just hear
what you think
but that s the box of pandora
is it!
and it s forbidden
ah the fruit.

sometimes i don t like people at all
especially when they stink
then i am reminded of how weird we are
and animals usually just so much better off
because so innocent and not so fuckin indulgent
i d love to love again
but mostly i am disgusted

i am so sad. so sad. night engulfs my mind

Look into your own heart, the voice whispers.. Strange sounds surround us. Voices. Dreams, Opportunities, Convictions, Expectations, Principals, Ideals, Realities, Necessities, Demands, Pressures...

Ah, sometimes my soul spreads its wings and wants to fly into the warm summer night.
Polar light.
Deserts.
Sounds,
Smiles.
Tears,
Voices.
Stories.
Yet to be discovered by my self.

soap and skin

late night
cry wolf
exactly how i would have done it
the story goes on
life is a miracle
life is weird
this girl is crazy
she flies into the sun
the dark sun
and leaves me here
in goosebumps
and it's so good to forget
and sink
and fall
and rise
it makes all sense now
it comes all together
all she knows
is that she wants the inbetween
the difference
the nuance in black and gray
and i leave her to the white
and sink into the night
giving my peace away
that stirred this mind

mazzy star yet again

and the wounds are healing slowly
the scent of the memories is still lingering in the air now
purified
shedding all the tears
washing it all clean
scrubbing it with the salt
washing it all away

mazzy star
cry cry
like you knew i wouldn't do

it's hard to just keep on keep on
but sometimes that's we gotta do
no rest inside
you have to go so far that you are out of sight
otherwise there would be no way
i could turn around and leave you
and all that love
that was dripping off of you
bathing me in the sunlight
basking in the moonlight
and soft tears
welling up in our hearts
as we felt that our time had passed
a last
kiss
and
love made in fresh linen

like you do
like you do
like you do
like you do

it takes away

tears are falling and there is nothing dramatic or pretentious about this.
he is dying.
and maybe he will survive
it comes as a slow shock
not like earthquakes
but slow like a draught
sucking away life
every day

this is just
more fragile
more see through
than life is anyways
it takes away
it takes away
illusions of safety

the music pours in now
and my head hurts
i want to hang it and cry
he is so beautiful
against the sky
there with his guitar
and his eyes half closed
life is tragic as it is
we don't need any more imagination
there he floats in the melodies and rhythms
like dandelions when they fly

and we can't ask
we can't ask why.

it is twelve past nine
the emergency exits are locked
there is no way out
only in only in

her tea always tastes like magic
i haven't been swimming in a long time
i want to sauna
i can't think
haiti
haiti
and him

how is pedro?
still roaming the streets?
collecting pieces of paper?
with no shoes on his feet?
his mother sounded so distressed
she says she will try and stay strong
and i know she can never forget the day
she found his brother - hung
in her attic

it's weird this life
like Uli
he deserves to be here!
so many alleys
and he can create and give so much!
and learn
but people in Haiti had to go
and Rwanda
and in Kabul
and Baghdad
and he might too

like Max who fought against brain tumors
and now
we only meet in dreams
and moments of unspoken truth

i can't find your traces
they don't lead to my doorstep
i have left my house long ago
when you left my heart in pieces
on my way somewhere i don't know
a train that is running
and i can't stop it, no, no

well, but if i look in your eyes and see the smile in the corner of your lips i don't really have a real option as to whether or not.

so then it is, out of sight out of mind, and i sigh because i can't find the truth in any of that.
this music is old and worn out and i like to wear it like old favorite pants.

maybe we should just be that - friends.
i look at him, riddled, and swallow
i don't think i could do that - is that what you want?
no, no. could be that we were lying then? we were like strangers
my heart was crying uncontrollably
everytime i couldn't make out with you
in the laundry room
when i touched your hand
and maybe you just felt sorry or obliged
that would be so terrible

after all these years, i still love you so
you mutter as you fall asleep
before i wash away in a flood of impossibilities
and you hold my hand
and ask me why
i let everyone i love
take advantage of me

i couldn't really say anything
but nestled into your arms i felt so safe
and it fitted
just so well
and the smell
the smell
and the smile!
your eyes.
the soul that i once had known.

oh geez i miss you

i had this really strange dream
and we knew
you knew
that i had been your
only true love
i wiped a nephews behind
and got really impatient
i just wanted to talk to you
and find out the situation
why did you take me on this trip you said
and you were mad somehow
i said it hadn't been my idea
mom's
and i said remembere how we went up that hill
i later went down that steep slope
and i probably had mentioned also
your coming here with the new girl later on
why did you rub it in my face you said
and i felt sorry
and then you took me at the hand

ray sings empty
and i sit and swing forth and back about you
on my little rope

again

it's just the little buzz
it's just the coming home blues
it's just the snow
and being lonely

i check her site and i am almost upset
that there is no new pictures

i feel back
i fall back
i sink into the old unknown.

will i always feel that way?
so empty,
so estranged.

and I will go on a new journey
and fight new battles
and maybe I will win
one of them

and there will be still nothing to hold me
or someone
except my guardian angel
and boy did he do a good job

i am slipping
i am hiding
i am sliding
leaving the blanks unfulfilled
never calling anyone
but occasionally

it will be
just that way
gege

Lhasa de Sela

lying awake and falling asleep to Lhasa de Sela in Monterey
it was the summer of 2007 and it was when the dying began
I was caught in a world of magical stories, dark and somber, putting one foot after the other on that blank page of what my present had become. running barefoot through the mossy backyard, climbing trees and hiding.
We were there with the whole family. Landed at a tiny little airport with a private little 8 seater.
And the art in the house was exquisite yet foreign to me and I fell asleep in the refuge of what her music became to me.

She has passed away now. Two and a half years only after I heard her in Marie's friends car in Hollywood.

My love had been as uncertain as my love at that point and I was heading into a foggy misty future. Not knowing where I would wound up. Free, free as a bird. Like a little wing. That flies on.
And see, where I landed. On track. and everything seems fine. Just running behind time a little bit. And a gift at my hands of a completely free and unbound excourse I took. Lhasa de Sela's music - 'The Living Road' especially and 'Lhasa' also - a painting of that emotion.

i can't yet put it really into words. i am nothing, standing in front of this lady who placed her life at the feet of the Unseen.

the slow comes to a halt

snow falling.

and she lifts her burdens and spreads them on the ground
smiling
her invitation still standing
but i know i will not intrude
scared to bother
so i walk away
in the still
in the standing
in the moment of truth.

the eternity of the stillness in this moment grasps my heart and i choke on it for a while.
it tickles the will and the weakness, it makes me sing and cry and scream but there are no sounds and no tears falling
empty flowers, meaningless, entwined around the structures of the past and the old and the sold.