change

i have changed my life and a serene and strange kind of calm came over me.
sadness now fills the gaping wound that the movie '9to5 days in porn' has ripped open all over again. driving home on my bike alongside the river under the trees and the stars helped to get two or three tears flowing, more wasn't in store for me tonight.
i am bottled up and i have been bottled up about many of my experiences in Los Angeles. There just hasn't been a proper way to reflect and express what I have lived through, seen and witnessed in those three years.
In London still, I was starting from a very healthy surrounding actually, good friends, good family and healthy healthy energy.
it got weird the moment i put my feet on the ground in New York and I started taking a look around, just as Joni Mitchell put it so beautifully in her song 'blue'

'everybody's saying, that hell's the hippest way to go, well I don't think so, but I'm gonna take a look around though'

there is a bottomless emptiness and aimlessness portrayed in many of those people who took part in 9to5 days in porn (a documentary) that i have witnessed in many people i met in LA. it is heartwrenching and despairing. i've seen bottomless pits, abysses of human nature that i will sound pathetic and two dimensional if i try to put it down in words. i have always been fascinated with remittance girl and hermes, both of whom manage to write about two topics that are very close to what is on my mind right now. remittance girl writes about sex in it's many aspects and possibilities or perversions if you will in such a way, that it almost creates a fourth dimension, a very humane and understanding portray of psychological dynamics, soul movements, if you will, behind these aspects. porn can't do that for me. it cancels out what in turn you will see in the eyes of the involved.
hermes speaks about the dark side of the moon in a way, that the glow of souls and the beauty in the darkest places glimmers and rises like a phoenix from the ashes.

i am so tired now.
i want to escape, into a place where there are no countries nor men.