shame

in the darkness i weave threads into the fabric that nobody's supposed to see
i imagine you in all your glory of illusion, i imagine the bad and the wild and the ugly. another bed, the same room. the same voice, another body. another soul.

sometimes it's hard to come to terms with reality. with who I seem to be. with who I let myself become. who I am carving out to be. I wonder, how much respect I should pay to these phantasies. I wonder of how much a place for my own I have to look for in this world of forces that seem so unspoken of in my daily life.

I wonder if you could be or actually are someone. and then I think of my happily-ever-after married life that I am also dreaming of, and I can't decide if there is an unknown x-factor that will enter my life and merge it all together.

I am so lost for you.