beneath

Know, that it is in the light it will shine, the smaller the source the brighter the impact of reflection. I have suffered of inconvenient truths. You and I; an inconvenient truth. How things do matter, no matter how much we try to deny it. Lessons to be learned, swept under the carpet, where they multiply to overwhelm us in darkest night.
Strange days have found us and so it was, all that caught up to us later, stripped away, offering our raw hearts to the souls ,winged, daring, yet still too weak to withstand the trials of an adult life, the storms, the thundering silence and the aftermath. Doubts.
The playful dance, the between, got smashed and damaged, I cried my fears and tears out, you disappeared in paralyzed terror, sliding towards the culmination of a dynamic emerging from within your soul, the gaps, occupied by urging, darker forces.
My inner roundabout circles imploded, exploded, lava trickling into all orifices, suffocating, suffering, accusing, instead of aMUSEing.
What reads like a predictable story of tragic napoleonic delusions of grandeur in love and relationships of young adults, contains the poesie of a fresh, blossoming haiku with the scents of a bursting cherry blossom tree.
Inbetween the lines, in the fragil space of eyes, hand and hearts talking, where words can't breathe, nor reach, nor teach, are the images of a love that is stronger than anything, permeating in ripples the eternity of the sea.
I will never forget, how you sat naked, playing the guitar, your dark curls framing your loving eyes, mouth, ears, chin, cheeks, nose, eyebrows, how your hands almost shy, made the instrument and my soul sing, giving me the love that I have always waited for. In this intimacy that exceeded eroticism I could feel my wings opening, ready to fly, my heart, in you, to you, with you, straight.

excercise

like working out this gets to me
i am dreaming words but in the morning, gone, words gone.
i am caught in a time capsule with too many possibilities, the world ruttling on my doors but i can't hear a distinct voice within that rumble.
worlds go by.
moments pass.
i fall
i rise
i

in the dark

sometimes it feels less scary to write in the dark, where things are blurry and less distinct. today it is grey outside and the weather is reflecting my inside. somewhat confused I gaze into the void. I can't be too scared but I feel a little tinge of fright inside when I think about what I have done and where I went, I definitely want to find out what I can do to protect myself now. I am so full of ambivalent notions and feelings and thoughts about lifestyles that present themselves to me in such vibrant and convincing manners. we don't know anything. and i don't really want to know that much. I just want to sing and dance, sometimes, without thinking too much.

as Peng says, there is a spiritual war going on, and things do matter.
This has, incidentally, always been my biggest question.

elation

almost like a fleeting memory of the scent of a blossoming apple tree
nothing really, but it was there
soft and light
and nothing really
but oh so elated.

the completion of it in the sun lit ship-room, with so many windows and pink blooming trees in the yard was like a butterfly kiss on my soulwings, holding the appropriate space for what was and what is and what will be.
honoring my love and my journey to you, and yet opening new doors to move on with it.

it.

impossible

as i was walking home, swinging, down the beautiful alley way i heard the crickets chirping and some birds crossed the evening kissed sky, alive, with clouds dancing with the warm early summer air.
and i thought... strange days that have found me, who would have thought!? me, living here in this little cute guesthouse, ten minutes from the pacific ocean, palmtrees in the wind and the eucalyptus!!!
but then, all out of the blue-dark sky i felt that the other situation had been way more improbable, almost impossible, to even conceive of.
although i am someone who likes to look at the bright side of life, the good in the bad, the chance in the challenge...i can't really see yet so much jolliness in what we went through, yes, it was extremely pretty our house, but too many overshadowing nights i spent there alone, clinging on to fleeting thoughts how to be or to react when it should have been just easy and peaceful and free.
don't you agree???
it's amazing to think what i did. i mean, just try it. for a moment. for a fracture of a minute out of your night. every day three hours on the street. on my bike, the bus, the feet. getting up at 3 AM out of a relaxing bath to come meet you at Mel's/ Or make you some food. Getting up early the next day. On the road again. And again, and again.
Never going to the beach. Or running. Or to see Dali. Or so.
And then, after the fall, even not one more cup of coffee for the road.
Impossible.

vent

you little scumbag, see, you already done it, so go, do it again!
what do you think, I care?
no, no. No, no, no.
no, no, no, no, no!? no!

ah, golden the days that I don't know you.
golden, a mind without you.
if i only could be healed from a wound that is yellow and green with pus from treacherous behaviour like yours.
yes, yes, i blame the wrong source, i guess, i guess.
aren't we all pawns in the game?
ah, and i might seem bitter now too.
but sure, you do, you do, you do laugh so shrill, like the bad witch in the tales, your eyes are evil to me and even tho you say you know what it's like.
aw, you didn't wanna destroy my life, so ha, of course you didn't and know that you haven't my life is full on, that's so not the point, the point my dear lady is that you
could suck my dick, if i had one.
and i would pay you, as they should do.

excercise indifference

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.

Nick Drake

You never listened with me to parasite

Nick Drake was my person and you said you thought his music is gay
your immaturity cuts deep into raw flesh

Now Nick puts me into this mood
he beams me back to the dark side of the moon
No free ride for you and me no, no more never
won't you give me a free ride
oh and the guitar is somber and dark like an all too present dream
it makes me want to cry
the joy of sharing is suffocating my loneliness

the valley below

the pain ebbs in again
it s okay, okay, okay,
okay, i can hear circkets again, ancient sounds and music
oh but how it hurts
i am riding the wave again,
riding it again, down into the valley
only little fires lit up
a last one, time again
and i go, go, go

can hear the congas, can hear them now, underlying, quietly,
filling
the spaces between
carrying me to the night
one more time
a little time just one
small
little sparklets flying through the sky
falling from my finger tips
and you, you can you hear them
whispering
ebbing in
ebbing out
on wind waves
tapping on your skin
like little small sparks
waking up the dark
waking, waking, waking the soft again

I Have No Regrets Because I Have Loved

11/22/06
This really is Good Bye (as in God Bless Ye, which it is derived from)
say nothing no more
wonder
awe
gazing in the distance
i caught the glimpse of your eye
out of the glimpse of my eye
my mouth smells of fresh love
like cotton beds in the morning
fluttering like wings in the air
somebody's loving hands have
smitten me with miracles
I love your face
I love your voice
I love your heart
I love you
Your courage and your searching
Your hands
Your touch
Your feet
Your chest
Your lips
Your hips
The secrets
Can't ever forget what you taught me
I'll try and be true
To myself and you
To whatever it was that was calling you
Can't ever forget how it felt to kiss you
Again and again
Like coming home
This really makes me eyes wet
And your memory lingers
Between my thighs with sweet sighs
To see you in the morning sun
And in the moonlight
Feeling your embrace like a nest
Me nestled into your arms
Saying I love you
and meaning it.

black coat

how he entered the room
in his black coat
and black glasses too
black curls framing his pale face
all so put together

i knew
but nobody else could have been able to see
the storm of destruction
beneath it all
the utter despair and bottomless abyss of fear
just seconds away
before we found back into each other's arms

it was all so surreal
and so good
and so crazy
sadness distorted by the extremity of the situation

how he walks
and talks
so tall
and so good
they know that
that they can see.



fragility

geometry

he called when we walked to the mac store. telling me about his cousins baby and you asked who he was. my computer died now and i moved and we are gonna hang out. funny how things can get wrapped. i am scared but sometimes that's how it will be. like you couldn't believe that you followed through with it. that you really did it. how devastated you were. i guess i can be devastated too, despite all reason and better knowing it. i can't think too much about it otherwise i will have to run into the ocean and just dive away into a new universe where different things are possible.

nothing is impossible.

in a way that is reassuring. but there certainly is something about crossroads and which way you take. sometimes there is no turning back only moving on.

i hope this road will lead us to freedom and the love we've been looking and living for. because you know, despite it all, I Love You as it is and as it will be.

like my dad said...

first love never dies

my heart is scared, fluttering inside my chest, I have to admit I still do of course naturally miss You and refuse to believe that this is it. Against my better judgement of course. when you saw me you said, jesus, you are a mess, get yourself off the floor I did it too, get yourself together and try to move on but all I really wanted to do is to refuse any more growing commands and rest in the earth for a while. Or on clouds. I just want you to still share special moments with me, let me know about songs and thoughts and nothing whatever anymore.
okay. that's that!
and the other thing: I am scared shitless thinking of leaving. it's going to be so tough .I am not trying to talk myself into it it's just, I KNOW it.
fuck. oh well. i was really really scared coming here too. so it's fair, it's okay, it's normal.
but I am a wreck right now.

strange

It is the strangest
how i ride into the evening along that coast
and feel this definite feeling
so blurred but distinct
too distinct almost
but even it's distinction doesn't make me so sad

and it makes me wonder

all those strange days that found us

and here i am
here we are
apart

and i still wait for the hurting

In the summer it was different, many life times ago
when I knew it wasn't done
I knew there was some more writing to be done
even with you at the other side of the moon
I knew it
We both did
And I hear you saying I feel bad for you, do you have fun? Don't be sad...
And I am surprised to be honest when I say I am happier and don't feel bad for me I know my kind of fun.
How about you? do You miss me? do you have fun? do you feel sad?
Do you crave time with me, closeness to me?

Maybe we are just gone. Gone with the wind. And nobody knows if we ll meet again, we might, we can, but this time it feels free and soft like a blue kissed summer wind

it's almost pathetic
how i wish
this was true
for anyone who is dying inside
i m incapable of telling
whether there is sarcasm or zynical thought involved
i just throw myself at the idea and cling to it for it not to disappear like yet another mirage in this desert i'm finding myself in.
thirsty for miracles.
real life miracles such as
change is possible

yesterday night... he asked me why. why do you fall for guys like me. who are dying inside.
and i cried inside.
i can only guess.

books

i am in a library now.
i have a library card
and when the doors swing open we enter another world
people, with noses buried deep in books and thought
looking like mice
and
the sun is shining out there
and
my love is hiding behind the blankets of confusion
but i know
it is there

Sunset: Loving who is dying inside.

The Dark Side Of The Moon

Yesterday I read a column in the Times about an online project that asks people to tell their life story in only six words. Hemingway style.
This is mine: Sunset: Loving who is dying inside.

you don't know what it's like he says and spits on the roof. his wary hand doesn't find the cigarette, stuck in the corner of his mouth, it went out, out like his eyes died just seconds ago and the lighter is just a faint replica of fires we once knew, faded memories...
all this, i have seen before and I don't have much time. The old brickstone building, with the mysterious redlit windows in the dark. The Japanese Restaurant I won't ever afford. The hills. The castle. The street. The dirt. The dizziness of life on the fast lane.
I swallow some tears, they are salty. Look away. Look back. His words tumble into the somber darkness like puppies that just learned to walk. I could feed them. Heed them. But I don't. Tonight I just listen. Hold his arms. His back. His heart.
I know that I don't know. At least that much. How can such a lucky person and such an unlucky person be so in love?
That's what I would like to know sometimes.

Later, on my old futon that I bought for twenty bucks from the creepy old Russian guy, I swayed back and forth between heart beats and heavy breathing.
You know nothing about what it's like to love someone who is dying inside.

dazed and confused

I admit that I'm still confused. That I still don't get it. I tried. Went there, not all the way but some of it. Fell in love with those who went. Blue comes to mind, by Joni Mitchell. She kind of puts it the way I felt.
But today in the morning I woke up with a cry in my throat with an urgent urge to bury my head in pillows and keep the blinds shut and just wallow in my confusion and sadness and mourn the foggy mysteries hidden beneath societies faces.
The beautiful melodies of the nearby church bells wafted through shut windows and blinds. His hands told me something his laughter his voice, but maybe I wanted words, explanations, empty rationalized figures drawn into the air between us.
Why is it 'normal'? I don't know life that way. Why do people need to drink and be dazed, why does it seem so normal to go and have a drink at a bar if you wanna go out and have fun?? My sister just tells me I can figure shit out only for myself. I guess so. But I just don't know life that way. I know it is akward to talk about it like that. I am not throwing stones. I am just really confused and sad. Sad because i don't understand and because obviously I think my way is a beautiful one. I guess I am not alone. Isn't that what the whole world keeps fighting about??

I doubt
I wonder
That there ever could be true understanding...Ever...




Blue, songs are like tattoos
You know Ive been to sea betore
Crown and anchor me
Or let me sail away
Hey blue, here is a song for you
Ink on a pin
Underneath the skin
An empty space to fill in
Well therere so many sinking now
Youve got to keep thinking
You can make it thru these waves
Acid, booze, and ass
Needles, guns, and grass
Lots of laughs, lots of laughs
Everybodys saying that hells the hippest way to go
Well I dont think so
But Im gonna take a look around it though
Blue, I love you

Blue, here is a shell for you
Inside youll hear a sigh
A foggy lullaby
There is your song from me

she said

she said
what about your blog
and i dont have internet as i used to before
on my old street they held a gun at the site manager's head and robbed 1950
it's funny
because
the thought of leaving makes me wanna stay
but when i look at the websites of my old college in berlin
and
things you know?
i get thrilled.
awww. how amazing it all is and was
can't wait
life is too exciting

and i think
God,
how lucky I got
no offense to people who dont find luck in their lives because i know some who are blind like that
but
man
I don't know

where are you all my friends, where are you hiding now?'
certain things i dont even wanna touch anymore with my words
wounded and with raw flesh gaping at me they simmer in the heat of passions lost and forlorn.
but life goes on and is beautiful as always. there is a beauty in broken eyes and evenv though my eyes might be filled with tears in response, the light still breaks itself in them and explodes in my mind in all colors of the rainbow.
oh.
the palm trees are kissed by the last rays of the evening sun.
my thoughts wander back to when i loved david and i thought that i would belong.
or even further back to when I occupied myself with insignificant crushes that filled up my writing and longing.
in the end, a lot of those dreams where merely a reflelction of the howling of the wolves at full moon, the indefinable yearning you feel listening to 'Anna's Song' by Marvin Gaye. The glimpse at the impossible thought chance of true love in a romance.
ah.
what a life that is spinning us around.
oh my dear friends.
i can't wait to meet you again, some day, making sweet love in music, art and conversations.
i can't wait to go dancing with you again. ah, oh yeah
this is my song