not so easy

things just haven't been gotten all that much better recently.
the weather reflects my mood: too hot and too humid, cloudy; a thunderstorm brewing at the horizons.
I am no where close to perfection in the things I love to do, I am about to lose a job that I grew to like, the economy crisis is now becoming a more tangible phenomena for me.
I just want a break for a change. I can't stand this anymore.

item

they look so good together.
and i still love his face.
know it so well.
and they look so good together.
i remember, when we were walking down the boulevard, and it was so obvious
perfect fit
people would stop and go out of their way to let us know
how beautiful we were
what a present that was
and now
little wing
fly on...

i am so sad, that my heart is breaking. the beauty of her dancing blew my mind, the rhythms swept me away in a swirl of life, breathing and exuberant joy. when i came down from those heights, slowly so, i felt for my phone and called Lilja, to see how they were doing. her man is in the hospital yet again and now needs full care, 24/7. they accepted him in the hospital only under the condition someone came to take care of him because they don't have enough staff. just imagine, what if you had no one?
and then, in a week or so, he will be staying at a hospiz.
my heart is breaking, it is crying into the skies.
how can something like this happen?
i know, i know it. and yet, it hurts beyond words when you know this person. this beautiful soul.
and so it goes. the gypsy cante taking care of the unspeakable, the realm without words.

but you are gone

listening to: Lhasa de Sela, Love Came Here.

The summer is soft outside, the leafs whispering.
love came here and never left
There is no end to this story
No final tragedy or glory
Love came here and never left

Now that my heart is open
It can't be closed or broken
Love came here and never left

Now I�ll have to live with loving you forever
Although our days of living life together
Of living life together are over

There's nothing here to throw away
I came to you in light of day
And love came here and never left.
Your gaze has settled upon a different horizon. I feel the void.
Sometimes a good friend will come by. Knock at my door. And ask about it.
And that's when I realize
Lhasa de Sela, tells it all

You told me that you'd stay with me
And shelter me forever
That was a hard promise to keep
I can't blame you for the bad weather

After all that has been said and done
I won't ask you where you're going
Don't keep in touch, I don't miss you much
Except sometimes early in the morning

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

I forgive you wanting to be free
I realize you long to wander
And I sympathize with your roving eyes
I just can't forgive your bad manners

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

it s hard to say anything. my heart is aching in the infinte and skies are losing their meaning every day a little more. swallows are flying and i feel how i am falling upwards into the clouds.
i love you
i love you
i love you

you took my man and made him
first i thought, uh, oh, just a hairdresser
but you are successful in what you do
and full of love and light and laughter
when it comes to him
so i go ahead and kick my time
lamenting the depths of this ocean
the depths of this unknown.

sick

i feel so sick to my stomach. my heart is physically hurting and all the embarrassment i invited into my life by making myself vulnerable and pathetic is creeping in cold.
yes man. i have failed. many times actually.
and yet, it is not enough.
i will go back and torture myself with pictures i don't need to see.
with connections i should have cut off.

it is the tragedy of his fall that took my breath. i am whincing and whining at night, crying my eyes out until there is nothing left. i haven't cried like that really, since summer of 2006. the whole family, just thinking of it makes me cringe.
under this aspect i should be and am to some extend glad, that d. has n. now and seems glad. with a proper apartment, to which his parents can come visit, with all the works and no sun glasses at night no more.

our story seems so long gone and faded. lets hope, that i will never ever ever ever have to cry for him or about him the way i have cried now.

taking one's life is such a hard thing to do. in every way. hard for the remaining. so hard for the remaining. hard for the soul.

i wish i could have said anything. something. but there is no words, they fail me and i am at a loss to understand what is going on inside and outside of me.

amen.

my heart is hurting.

childlike i let myself fall, getting up again, and fall.
the magic might have whithered in the mean time, maybe you are gone.
i trust in life and get up again, yet again.
i see the moon blossoming
into the dark skies.

horn and hoof

he said i seemed overly horny and i should learn how to hide that if i wanted to be more successful with my guys.
it really dumbfunded me completely. something that i experienced as pure joy of life and moving around, being not so grown up for once and childishly playing in swings and running around came across as needy and desperate.
funny.

withdrawal

as soon as i got what i possibly wanted
i withdrew
scared to pieces

reality
i
fear

you come to me

you come to me in the dark, emerging from the velvet blue in your white shirt that i want to unbutton, your russian soul, your stomping heart.
i can see you and i know you see me. we are two lost souls in a fishbowl, waiting for more. the light is serene and fluorescent, flickering in your eyes. my boss spins the tables with good old music, and we can dance, boy can we dance, they recognize.
the air is soft now and it's daytime. my eyes get lost in focus, gazing into the green, the white, the brickstone red.
you said, jump, if that's what you really want to do, you should always do what you want to do. i jumped and swam, drifted in the current of the quiet, while you went home to sleep finally. because that's what you wanted. before, though, you squeezed my hand upon saying goodbye, i know that we could have kissed and i know why we both didn't try. we know too much. too much of the longing, the magic, that doesn't lessen the heart's pain. you let me play, like a kitten, responding in unexpected ways. boy, you knew how to move.
now you are gone, like a song and the breeze is cooling my face.
you come to me and let me dance through all the pain. you let me dance, leading me and then letting me go. and i embarked on a journey, remembering oh so vividly his face, his voice, his embrace. his love on my soul. in my body, in my soul, oh, swinging freely back and forth about him, with his curly dark hair and eyes, glowing in my heart. your gaze held my breath while i tumbled and fell into the dark, sitting stoicly in the back, watching, sleepily, how i was taken aback by the rhythm and storm.
i know who we were. two lost souls in a fishbowl. two warriors with broken hearts keeping on, keeping on.
let me caress your self and comfort you.
travelling man, stay a while, until the night is over.
i m just a station on your way
i know
i am not
your
lover

shame

in the darkness i weave threads into the fabric that nobody's supposed to see
i imagine you in all your glory of illusion, i imagine the bad and the wild and the ugly. another bed, the same room. the same voice, another body. another soul.

sometimes it's hard to come to terms with reality. with who I seem to be. with who I let myself become. who I am carving out to be. I wonder, how much respect I should pay to these phantasies. I wonder of how much a place for my own I have to look for in this world of forces that seem so unspoken of in my daily life.

I wonder if you could be or actually are someone. and then I think of my happily-ever-after married life that I am also dreaming of, and I can't decide if there is an unknown x-factor that will enter my life and merge it all together.

I am so lost for you.

change

i have changed my life and a serene and strange kind of calm came over me.
sadness now fills the gaping wound that the movie '9to5 days in porn' has ripped open all over again. driving home on my bike alongside the river under the trees and the stars helped to get two or three tears flowing, more wasn't in store for me tonight.
i am bottled up and i have been bottled up about many of my experiences in Los Angeles. There just hasn't been a proper way to reflect and express what I have lived through, seen and witnessed in those three years.
In London still, I was starting from a very healthy surrounding actually, good friends, good family and healthy healthy energy.
it got weird the moment i put my feet on the ground in New York and I started taking a look around, just as Joni Mitchell put it so beautifully in her song 'blue'

'everybody's saying, that hell's the hippest way to go, well I don't think so, but I'm gonna take a look around though'

there is a bottomless emptiness and aimlessness portrayed in many of those people who took part in 9to5 days in porn (a documentary) that i have witnessed in many people i met in LA. it is heartwrenching and despairing. i've seen bottomless pits, abysses of human nature that i will sound pathetic and two dimensional if i try to put it down in words. i have always been fascinated with remittance girl and hermes, both of whom manage to write about two topics that are very close to what is on my mind right now. remittance girl writes about sex in it's many aspects and possibilities or perversions if you will in such a way, that it almost creates a fourth dimension, a very humane and understanding portray of psychological dynamics, soul movements, if you will, behind these aspects. porn can't do that for me. it cancels out what in turn you will see in the eyes of the involved.
hermes speaks about the dark side of the moon in a way, that the glow of souls and the beauty in the darkest places glimmers and rises like a phoenix from the ashes.

i am so tired now.
i want to escape, into a place where there are no countries nor men.

crazy crazy life

my friend from youthful days has been diagnosed with cancer and has been undergoing his first chemotherapy just recently.
my good friend's boyfriend has been going through that since almost two years already, brain tumor.
and my special friend H. just called me, telling me that he found out his bullshit dad who abused him and tried to prevent him from being adopted by his fosterfamily isn't really his dad. he found old loveletters between his mom who committed suicide when he was four, and another man. she apparently had an affair until nine months prior to his birth. now he is trying to find out who his real dad is.
what a burden just has been lifted off his shoulders, you probably won't be able to understand. not to have to carry the genetical heritage of this truly sick man is such a relief. nevermind trying to forgive your own father for all the horrible things he has done onto you.
what a burden has just been materialized in form of cancer in my other friend's life i and nobody who hasn't been going through this, probably won't understand.
it is so sad, that it presses my heart into a clump in my stomach.
like a stone
like a stone
so heavy and hard.

truck ran over me

i am waking up and i feel like a truck ran over me. eventually i peel myself off the blankets, not before serenading B with a couple of hoarsely sung morning songs to motivate. the motivation bit doesn't really work. she warms up coffee from yesterday and i try and be healthy half heartedly with a cup of hot water with lemon juice squeezed into it.
i steal some cream cheese from V for a breadroll that is lying around in the kitchen and make a bowl of cereals that i mix with hot soja milk. super disgusting.
i slouch down to the mail box to get "Die Zeit", B's newspaper which comes every thursday to read my favorite columnist's hilarious column. it ain't that funny today and my head is aching. my limbs are seriously twice as heavy as usual. i try on two dresses, same cut, different colors. decide for the lilac one after a facebook conversation with a guy whom i met via the hospitality club ages ago, from Bulgaria, and whom I haven't met ever since. life is weird.
today is a stay in bed day, most definitely. it is gray and gloomy outside.
nonetheless, i finally get out, return twice to the apartment, once to change into boots, the second time to get my phone that i forgot, the third time i ring the doorbell and have B throw me her woollen jacket down because it is freezing.
where has the summer gone!?
i should bring the keyboard to the office, i stole it, because the keypad of my laptop is broken. it s late though and i decide to go to university straight away, i have been late for this seminar all along and want to get there in time, for once.
it is truly horrific. the subway is crowded, i need way more personal space these days, i am fucking pms-ing and that's nothing to be taken lightly, i promise.
so i try to sleep and ignore the annoying conversations and 15 year old girls and all.
once i am at university i witness a dude falling with his scooter on the street, getting up and pretending as if nothing had happened. probably under shock. reminds me of the black cat that jumped off the fourth floor yesterday, across the street. B and I had a romantic little moment in the wintergarden, enjoying MJ (since I became a fan now too) and some wine. the cat fell flat on his side and lay there as if dead. two guys and we were just super shocked, then the cat starting twitching. i yelled into the night 'hey, fourth floor, get out to the balcony!' the girls living there heard me, ran out and down the stairs. the cat jumped up, when they opened the door and RAN away, but so fast, you wouldn't believe it!
so i get to university and realize, that the very seminar i am always late for is not happening today.

geez. confused people are late usually, and when they are not, they most probably have missed an announcement saying that they don't have to come at all.

such is life. i should stop writing now and start studying for my statistics class.
lordy lordy

good lord

good lord, this is painful, just to support all those lousy falshbacks i've been having i had to go back to that page, to check if i could see something that proves his existence. indeed, there it is, a picture of *them*, somewhere, probably during a hike, or chilling at a place, holding each other's hands intertwined above their heads, stretching their backs out or so it seems.
she: in a pretty SHORT red red red dress. he: in the jeans i bought him and his brown shirt.
gosh, she is so beautiful, from afar, at least, and tiny, she is doing sth with him, that he would have flat out refused to do when we were together, so i suppose she has an amazing and great influence on him.
it hurts, of course.
that it's not me, who can enjoy this, but oh well.
all that i have left is to revel in the fact, that i have loved
and re-agonize the pain of having lost.
such is life,
i guess.

Rock

I met a Man
His name, Rock in the Sea
Living it, as can be.

The inspiration and energy I felt when talking to A. made a sun rise inside, I walked through the city as if to shine.
Everybody knew, everybody would see, I was love as can be.

Something similar just happened again to me. This Man I met today for the second time is probably more than twice as old than me but I know we both fell in love, crushing into the sea.
A flight of an eagle above the clouds, in the sun, souls stay young.
His eyes told me everything I needed to know, our hearts were resonating and whispering like the wind when she caresses the trees or the desert sand. Light and deep in the same time, we couldn't stop dancing, like the tide, entering and retreating from each other's private space.
I feel like struck by lightning, almost ceasing to be, this how it feels when two souls meet, intensely, but free.
You can love someone across ages, race or gender, you can love just the essence of someone, if you surrender
to the beauty
to the beauty
to the beauty

I feel my heart go boom boom boom,
Rocking hard
against my chest
.

Michael Jackson: tragedy of human condition

i am immersed in researching Michael Jackson as an artist, but also, human being, I am distraught many times and astonised at others.
I don't know, what to think of it. Whether or not take myself seriously, how to label my newfound interest in an artist whom I had thought always of some sort of freak and cheap pop star. it's quite starteling, to realize that i lived with a completely cheap and unreflected opinion on someone I didn't know as an artist nor person. The only song that I registered was the Earth Song, and maybe We are the World, obviously, since I am half German and the Earth Song was forever on the top of our charts because we are sentimental environmentalists and separate garbage since ages, before the rest of the world even learned about those issues. not that I am convinced separating garbage is the ultimate solution to the problem, oh no.
But this one exceeds so many levels. I am literally finding myself bawling watching MJ videos, watching interviews, music videos and reading anything seemingly valid that I can find to help me put this together.
I should be preparing for my history exam, instead I am contemplating Michael Jackson until 3 am. No kidding. The thing is, I feel puzzled by what all this means, on a more abstract level.
What does it say about us, about our culture, society, what does it say about the human condition, about art, about life in general. Who was this man!? Or, rather, this being?
What kind of thoughts could be spun to an end, where press stopped pressing?
What if we thought his comments to the child abuse allegations to the end...
What if we assumed he wasn't merely a freak, a psychopath, but that he maybe could have had a point when saying, that the whole world should be like this...i.e. people tucking kids in (even in their own beds, how sexual a thought!?), giving them hot milk and cookies. sure, don't forget to brush teeth. but what if we managed to really see this as not sexual? what if he wasn't sexual with them.
how horrible a thought, that this man, who had never had a life outside the stage, who loved his fans so much and already said at a young age, how he imagined them having a good time in the audience, cross-race and professions, as i heard in one of the interviews, that this man who relied so much on the energy interaction and love and appreciation extended by his fans to him and vice versa, would be accused of child molestation, and just imagine, he wasn't guilty. just imagine, he really just loved them. I guess we could call that pedo-phil as well, in the meaning of, someone who loves kids excessively.
is that healthy?
maybe not. maybe people should have the chance to grow up and be adults. but wait, what if michael jackson would have been just some dude in the Gary Indiana ghetto and never get known. How much would that have changed??? How much of who he was, tells me about his essence?

I have that feeling, that he truly was someone else. One of a kind. Encapturing the tragedy of human condition, or even, of deity. The stuff, that greek tragedies and myths are about. The complete and utter tragedy of being half god half human.

anna's song by marvin gaye

you take me on a ride
to a world
that i left behind
it makes me ache
a little
and why is his voice in my head saying sweet nothings?
i wonder if he's thinking about me, maybe right then? or maybe he doesn't.
it was more than just what it seemed in the end.