it hurts more because i know i will never see you again
i can be patient with others
but you i will carry
like a stone

soldier

The murmurs of an unspoken language flooded the night and his breathing. Frog like sounds through gnashing teeth and his brother killed in Sarajewo.
The self-service stalls of wooden jewelry all across the country. You pick and pay whatever you like he says and smiles, it is a performance called trust. There is a newspaper article on him, he hands it over in his van and it is all wrinkly and you can tell he has lived with it. Later on he teaches me how to accept and not say thank you, we just are he says, that is enough. Barefoot in the creek just right below the wells. Bending down to gather water in our hollow hands and drink the sweet freshness, sweeter than any water you can find.
I see how his gaze is caressing my body, the hands of a sculptour and he knows, he can tell, when he sees it. Honey dripping off his fingers onto my skin. I writh and breath and try to open the gates of eden but it is grey still around me and silent. His hand stroking the side of my face. He holds my cheek, saying softly you need love. you don't need sex, you need love. His voice almost surprised and his embrace caring. Later he will still say goodbye to me like to a woman, recognizing in me what I haven't quite processed yet. The coffee and water and his gifts to me, so many. My songs pervade the night and pierce the silence between his few words. He was a soldier. He was a soldier. He was there.
And with his hands he can make the most beautiful creations of wood, letting it tell its story through his hands.
And his hands have ended someone else's story one day.
And his dreams are grinding and gnashing his teeth and he finds free parking every day because he was a soldier then.
The eyes of a sculptour, the heart of gold, soft like a big bear and the wisdom beyond compare. Simple he says, and points toward the now. You are my girl, in this now.

i can't describe any of this. she must love him very much and i go my ways.
the sun set over the city in a haze while the sound of the dalmatian coast lulled me to sleep.

shaken

something has happened
my heart is pierced by this pain
you have grown weary of hearing it
but your lips and your soul
looking straight through your eyes
your fighting for a life above
the ground
and in my dream i know
that you knew that all i could do was respect
but never stop loving you

i never do.

loss

she calls him with the same name as i did now.
and she is staking out her claims on a man i so loved
melancholy deep blues is fueling my night
so i go and pack up my eyes
and i run towards
the sunset
i had a friend who now is lost.
she followed her way like swallows finding their way back down to africa
she never stopped and we went our own ways
i miss her so

and i feel the urge to make it look all so pretty. to say, that it was meant that way. to say, that it's truly okay.
because, it is.
but sometimes
it just isn't.
some things just really suck the way they are.

and you could call it greed
or not letting go
or you could also call it care
because as it turns out
i really do give a fuck

sometimes

not so easy

things just haven't been gotten all that much better recently.
the weather reflects my mood: too hot and too humid, cloudy; a thunderstorm brewing at the horizons.
I am no where close to perfection in the things I love to do, I am about to lose a job that I grew to like, the economy crisis is now becoming a more tangible phenomena for me.
I just want a break for a change. I can't stand this anymore.

item

they look so good together.
and i still love his face.
know it so well.
and they look so good together.
i remember, when we were walking down the boulevard, and it was so obvious
perfect fit
people would stop and go out of their way to let us know
how beautiful we were
what a present that was
and now
little wing
fly on...

i am so sad, that my heart is breaking. the beauty of her dancing blew my mind, the rhythms swept me away in a swirl of life, breathing and exuberant joy. when i came down from those heights, slowly so, i felt for my phone and called Lilja, to see how they were doing. her man is in the hospital yet again and now needs full care, 24/7. they accepted him in the hospital only under the condition someone came to take care of him because they don't have enough staff. just imagine, what if you had no one?
and then, in a week or so, he will be staying at a hospiz.
my heart is breaking, it is crying into the skies.
how can something like this happen?
i know, i know it. and yet, it hurts beyond words when you know this person. this beautiful soul.
and so it goes. the gypsy cante taking care of the unspeakable, the realm without words.

but you are gone

listening to: Lhasa de Sela, Love Came Here.

The summer is soft outside, the leafs whispering.
love came here and never left
There is no end to this story
No final tragedy or glory
Love came here and never left

Now that my heart is open
It can't be closed or broken
Love came here and never left

Now I�ll have to live with loving you forever
Although our days of living life together
Of living life together are over

There's nothing here to throw away
I came to you in light of day
And love came here and never left.
Your gaze has settled upon a different horizon. I feel the void.
Sometimes a good friend will come by. Knock at my door. And ask about it.
And that's when I realize
Lhasa de Sela, tells it all

You told me that you'd stay with me
And shelter me forever
That was a hard promise to keep
I can't blame you for the bad weather

After all that has been said and done
I won't ask you where you're going
Don't keep in touch, I don't miss you much
Except sometimes early in the morning

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

I forgive you wanting to be free
I realize you long to wander
And I sympathize with your roving eyes
I just can't forgive your bad manners

Now use your silver tongue once more
There's one thing that I�d like to know
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?
Did you ever believe the lies that you told?
Did you earn the fool's gold that you gave me?

it s hard to say anything. my heart is aching in the infinte and skies are losing their meaning every day a little more. swallows are flying and i feel how i am falling upwards into the clouds.
i love you
i love you
i love you

you took my man and made him
first i thought, uh, oh, just a hairdresser
but you are successful in what you do
and full of love and light and laughter
when it comes to him
so i go ahead and kick my time
lamenting the depths of this ocean
the depths of this unknown.

sick

i feel so sick to my stomach. my heart is physically hurting and all the embarrassment i invited into my life by making myself vulnerable and pathetic is creeping in cold.
yes man. i have failed. many times actually.
and yet, it is not enough.
i will go back and torture myself with pictures i don't need to see.
with connections i should have cut off.

it is the tragedy of his fall that took my breath. i am whincing and whining at night, crying my eyes out until there is nothing left. i haven't cried like that really, since summer of 2006. the whole family, just thinking of it makes me cringe.
under this aspect i should be and am to some extend glad, that d. has n. now and seems glad. with a proper apartment, to which his parents can come visit, with all the works and no sun glasses at night no more.

our story seems so long gone and faded. lets hope, that i will never ever ever ever have to cry for him or about him the way i have cried now.

taking one's life is such a hard thing to do. in every way. hard for the remaining. so hard for the remaining. hard for the soul.

i wish i could have said anything. something. but there is no words, they fail me and i am at a loss to understand what is going on inside and outside of me.

amen.

my heart is hurting.

childlike i let myself fall, getting up again, and fall.
the magic might have whithered in the mean time, maybe you are gone.
i trust in life and get up again, yet again.
i see the moon blossoming
into the dark skies.

horn and hoof

he said i seemed overly horny and i should learn how to hide that if i wanted to be more successful with my guys.
it really dumbfunded me completely. something that i experienced as pure joy of life and moving around, being not so grown up for once and childishly playing in swings and running around came across as needy and desperate.
funny.

withdrawal

as soon as i got what i possibly wanted
i withdrew
scared to pieces

reality
i
fear

you come to me

you come to me in the dark, emerging from the velvet blue in your white shirt that i want to unbutton, your russian soul, your stomping heart.
i can see you and i know you see me. we are two lost souls in a fishbowl, waiting for more. the light is serene and fluorescent, flickering in your eyes. my boss spins the tables with good old music, and we can dance, boy can we dance, they recognize.
the air is soft now and it's daytime. my eyes get lost in focus, gazing into the green, the white, the brickstone red.
you said, jump, if that's what you really want to do, you should always do what you want to do. i jumped and swam, drifted in the current of the quiet, while you went home to sleep finally. because that's what you wanted. before, though, you squeezed my hand upon saying goodbye, i know that we could have kissed and i know why we both didn't try. we know too much. too much of the longing, the magic, that doesn't lessen the heart's pain. you let me play, like a kitten, responding in unexpected ways. boy, you knew how to move.
now you are gone, like a song and the breeze is cooling my face.
you come to me and let me dance through all the pain. you let me dance, leading me and then letting me go. and i embarked on a journey, remembering oh so vividly his face, his voice, his embrace. his love on my soul. in my body, in my soul, oh, swinging freely back and forth about him, with his curly dark hair and eyes, glowing in my heart. your gaze held my breath while i tumbled and fell into the dark, sitting stoicly in the back, watching, sleepily, how i was taken aback by the rhythm and storm.
i know who we were. two lost souls in a fishbowl. two warriors with broken hearts keeping on, keeping on.
let me caress your self and comfort you.
travelling man, stay a while, until the night is over.
i m just a station on your way
i know
i am not
your
lover

shame

in the darkness i weave threads into the fabric that nobody's supposed to see
i imagine you in all your glory of illusion, i imagine the bad and the wild and the ugly. another bed, the same room. the same voice, another body. another soul.

sometimes it's hard to come to terms with reality. with who I seem to be. with who I let myself become. who I am carving out to be. I wonder, how much respect I should pay to these phantasies. I wonder of how much a place for my own I have to look for in this world of forces that seem so unspoken of in my daily life.

I wonder if you could be or actually are someone. and then I think of my happily-ever-after married life that I am also dreaming of, and I can't decide if there is an unknown x-factor that will enter my life and merge it all together.

I am so lost for you.

change

i have changed my life and a serene and strange kind of calm came over me.
sadness now fills the gaping wound that the movie '9to5 days in porn' has ripped open all over again. driving home on my bike alongside the river under the trees and the stars helped to get two or three tears flowing, more wasn't in store for me tonight.
i am bottled up and i have been bottled up about many of my experiences in Los Angeles. There just hasn't been a proper way to reflect and express what I have lived through, seen and witnessed in those three years.
In London still, I was starting from a very healthy surrounding actually, good friends, good family and healthy healthy energy.
it got weird the moment i put my feet on the ground in New York and I started taking a look around, just as Joni Mitchell put it so beautifully in her song 'blue'

'everybody's saying, that hell's the hippest way to go, well I don't think so, but I'm gonna take a look around though'

there is a bottomless emptiness and aimlessness portrayed in many of those people who took part in 9to5 days in porn (a documentary) that i have witnessed in many people i met in LA. it is heartwrenching and despairing. i've seen bottomless pits, abysses of human nature that i will sound pathetic and two dimensional if i try to put it down in words. i have always been fascinated with remittance girl and hermes, both of whom manage to write about two topics that are very close to what is on my mind right now. remittance girl writes about sex in it's many aspects and possibilities or perversions if you will in such a way, that it almost creates a fourth dimension, a very humane and understanding portray of psychological dynamics, soul movements, if you will, behind these aspects. porn can't do that for me. it cancels out what in turn you will see in the eyes of the involved.
hermes speaks about the dark side of the moon in a way, that the glow of souls and the beauty in the darkest places glimmers and rises like a phoenix from the ashes.

i am so tired now.
i want to escape, into a place where there are no countries nor men.

crazy crazy life

my friend from youthful days has been diagnosed with cancer and has been undergoing his first chemotherapy just recently.
my good friend's boyfriend has been going through that since almost two years already, brain tumor.
and my special friend H. just called me, telling me that he found out his bullshit dad who abused him and tried to prevent him from being adopted by his fosterfamily isn't really his dad. he found old loveletters between his mom who committed suicide when he was four, and another man. she apparently had an affair until nine months prior to his birth. now he is trying to find out who his real dad is.
what a burden just has been lifted off his shoulders, you probably won't be able to understand. not to have to carry the genetical heritage of this truly sick man is such a relief. nevermind trying to forgive your own father for all the horrible things he has done onto you.
what a burden has just been materialized in form of cancer in my other friend's life i and nobody who hasn't been going through this, probably won't understand.
it is so sad, that it presses my heart into a clump in my stomach.
like a stone
like a stone
so heavy and hard.