Forgiving. - Healing past wounds.

So a miracle is about to happen. And it is one week to go to Eastern, the old pagan celebration of resurrection and renewal and fertility (the red eggs!), the Christian celebration of Resurrection and - Forgivingness.
You have no idea how miracle-struck I am right now.
All of the sudden, in a matter of the seconds it takes to read a textmessage and translate the meaning of it to your brain, it hit me hard and I understood!

It is so unbeliavable that I don't know how to start or what to say actually. It has to do with life, love, fate, destiny, chances, growing and past and the now.
It has to do with a little Piranha, the wild child, who lost her heart and her hopes and her self-confidence when she failed to help the one person she loved most and a little Gypsy who lost his heart and his trust and his will to live when he ran into his big love back then, in one nasty night or dirty afternoon, moaning and rolling and sweating with a 40 year old guy, he saw and heard them and it tore him into pieces and he dropped everything and went on a mission - childish but who can blame him for he was a child until this moment! - to destroy himself, his heart, his memories because he couldn't kill her so he had to kill himself to get rid of the pain the memories and his betrayed beliefs and hopes that afflicted him every day and every sober second.

So one day this wild child and this Gypsy met and for some reason they felt they would have to write this chapter together. And they fell so deeply in love that they wanted to write a whole book but only God knows how life will change and how we will change but the will and the love and the wish is right there.
Walking the road together they held hands, kissed one beautiful milky way night at a hidden miraculous bay in Malibu, where the sand and the crushing waves shone neon white and green due to the plankton. And then they made love one wonderful moon night at Venice beach and they felt the presence of this girl around them, Sophia, and they went through hard times and good times and he said he gave her his heart.

But all she had really, was his wish to give it to her.
IN reality this heart was hidden beneath a nasty layer of pus, an unhealed wound that made it practically impossible for him to even let his heart be touched by the wind or my wings.

Nightmares and fears were rotting in his brain, fear is the opposite of love, how can you love when you are so afraid?

The wild child asked herself this question many times. She was desperate, she cried, she tried, she wondered, she enjoyed, she doubted. But no matter how much she tried to imagine different solutions to her problem, she never could imagine NOT being with him. It just didn't do it for her. So she stayed with him, she said, it's alright, it's alright, take anything you want from me, anything, anything, and sometimes though she would get so tired. so, so tired from his games. From this vacuum he made them be in. He couldn't enter her world, she wasn't allowed to enter his - matter of fact, he did everything to protect her from it. Sometimes she would get sad from contemptful comments he made about other people, about the world, sometimes even about her 'fairy tale world'. But she remained silent, yelled every now and then and kept reaching out to him...

Until one day...

this Saturday afternoon....

He told her...

that he had this nightmare. Every night. since a week. Her, fucking somebody else, and every time in the dream he put a gun in his mouth, as a solution.

It took her two seconds to realize: It's not ME. It is Magdalena. She might have my face but it is her in the dream. And: That's why I couldn't sleep those past nights. It is very unusual for me not to be able to fall asleep. I couldn't. Until early early in the morning. I didn't know why but now I know it was out of sympathy for him. I couldn't eat after graduation because I was so worried about him, although he said he was alright. Matter of fact, though, I just seem to feel those things. He went through an extremely bad depressive patch and wanted to kill himself. So much for 'I'm alright!' and not lying. And opening up to your love...

Being in a relationship means, you can help each other. you can grow with each other. you don't have to continue fighting every battle by yourself. Some, yes. But others, not.

The bottom line of this story is, that I will not allow sexuality in our relationship until he fixes his heart. I loved making love to him. I want to do that again. I can't deal with a broken heart no more. It is like, when you don't learn your lesson, it will be repeated in your life somehow. I don't want that for us! I want him to move on so he can love me and be with me without those everlasting fears, this annoying suspicion about every guy friend I have and every move I dance when I go out alone.

And the only way he can heal his heart is by forgiving her. And assuming responsibility for his life and for his gifts that he received from the divine. And forgiving starts with compassion. THATS WHY I am actually happy that he is friends with that bitch Janet, because he told me earlier, that she reminds him of his ex and that he feels bad for her. Yeah, she is a whore, she is maybe a lost or a seeking soul. I always defended her and I always defended Magdalena too. He has to learn to feel compassionate towards those souls and lives and then forgive whatever they did to him. And first things first! First he has to forgive HIMSELF and embrace himself, everything he did. He hates so much about his past. But hate and fear and comtempt is the pus in his heart. He has to learn how to allow the Christ in his heart, if you want to put it this way, and accept the healing power of forgivingness, accept the help of somebody else!!!! Ask for it! Because alone you are too weak.

And the beauty of all this is - how we both got a second chance. He has no idea how much it meant to me when he simply stopped smoking weed just because it bothered me. You have to understand. Weed and other drugs have been my severest rival over so many years. They killed my love. I have the chance to actively love now, with a person with a similar fate like my Pedro. We can work it out!!! And he can learn how to love someone like me, who is so openhearted and world-loving and overspilling of joy and love for life, without fears.


And what he wrote, ah, so dear to my heart:

I understand sweety. Fully. And I decided to let you help. I wanna let you be completely involved in my life'

Halleluja, yehaaa! Hooray!!! That's a permission for me to go and to the work....

there's always been this little Shaman inside of me.... a little soul doctor... a little resolute madre maria dola rosa......

like, in everyone of us