yeah. jealousy. we all know this feeling. it means, we are not perfect. it means we are probably not real Christians, Buddhists or Muslims after all. Means we are human becomings, I GUESS.
You know this feeling when you get a sick feeling from being too much in love. Too intense, too meaningful, too much for your fucking age.
See, someone told me. Why wait with marrying? I mean, there was this girl, she was with a guy for six years, broke up and married a guy that she knew for six months then. That's probably a feeling of certainty or despair that makes things pretty clear, doesn't it.
I admit, it feels kinda good to be on my own. I live alone now, in an apartment of my friend, for a month. I am back to NORMAL, I reconnected to my creative inner self, I can breathe and live. I am sad and frustrated that I saw my boyfriend in the last 21 days for only 3 wonderful days, but actually it feels good to be able to go to a restaurant, drink a wine, think and write and be by myself without having to deal with ANYBODY. yah!
Then he finally can come again. Monday. But this time his ride is Janet, the only girl in this world I just cannot trust with regards to him. She is a fucking snake and I know that. She is filthy. But she is also the one person he could connect to as a friend. (WHAT IS A FRIEND in America????) I told him how I feel about her. Just as he told me about all the guys I am friends with and that he cannot trust and feels bad about.
Yes, I am JEALOUS, jealous that she is the one he can actually 'talk' to. Great. Am I your best friend or not? Ok. relax. So She needs a place to CRASH. He told her she could crash with US. and asks me whether thats OKAY with me.
Halleluja! What am I supposed to say now, huh? Of course I have to play cool and say it is okay.
But DON'T FUCKING ASK ME TWICE!!!! I might start thinking and find its not okay. What the fuck. I never made you sleep in the same room like my guy friends. Ever. and the only time I actually visited one of them was when you couldn't fucking pick me up from the train station. At the night before my birthday. FCUK THAT!!!!
You can have your friends. Go ahead. I ll play cool. I get along with her, in fact, I was 'friends' (Acquaintance!) with her before you. WHATEVER!
But all in all - right now I feel so WEIRD. and I feel so exhausted. I want to go back and live my life. I mean, thats what I do right now, too, of course, but it's very obvious to me, that I cannot stay in America even though I love you very much. I was ready to move to fucking Zimbabwe with Mugabe and everything when I was in love with David. But that was impulsive and crazy. That was a one minute decision. That was absolutely out of this world. And Zimbabwe is not America. After all.
My mother moved to Europe, for herself first and then she stayed there for my Dad. That's love, huh? But she was never happy. Maybe because she wasn't in balance herself, whatever you can blame it on, but matter of fact, she always carried this extreme homesickness inside herself. When you've been to Alaska you'll understand. The energy there is AMAZING. It blows you away. And whenever she went there and came back she looked ten years younger, blossoming, energetic.
I am NOT going to repeat her fate. That's not my job. I am the one with roots, and I realized I need them to keep on growing. You were the one who said you'd follow me whereever and support my studies and everything. Because you are not bound. I don't know love, I don't know. Everybody is bound to some extend. It seems more and more like an extreme decision to me to cut everything off and go somewhere entirely new... Your life might be like that and lead you there, I probably wouldn't mind living in Latin America. But sorry, I am here since six months and I know already that I can't stay here. I am going to study at the east coast next school year, but I have this feeling in my little toe, that even that won't convince me. It simply feels WRONG to me. For me, my life, my personality, my way.
I don't whether that means I don't love you enough. I hope it doesn't. It's just, I don't have to REPEAT my parents fate. I don't want to, matter of factly. I don't. East Europe is freaking exploding right now. That's where I wanna be. I want to live in Italy. Or Greece. Or Romania, for God's sake. But not the States. No offense, but even you don't really like it here. But I guess that's not the point. Unfortunately.
Berlin, I'll be back. I have to move on. Maybe not Berlin. Maybe Paris. Maybe Bucharest. I can't stay in Missouri for you. My father was right.... I am not the kind of person that can stay anywhere because of a guy. It's not good for me and what I always felt I have to do in my life. Me too, I dream of a family in the country side. Don't get me wrong. But if it matters to me, where that would be, and to you rather not, what should we do????? Follow you or follow me????
It makes me think of L. Cohen's song...
'I can't follow you my love. You cannot follow me'
It aches.
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