broken inside

{that what makes me feel at the edge might be an ordinary inclination to a bi-polar disorder. maybe i am really just tripping. it is literally heart-wrenching to go through such intense emotions.
sometimes however, a very respected person tells me to be aware out there - that 'not many people know how to deal with such honest and raw emotions that you show'.
he says I am a friendship-person.
this might be an explanation as to why i got so hurt when they backstabbed me and why i tend to crave forgiving so quickly.}

I am broken inside. Fear's cold claws grip my heart and clench it tightly.
I fear the continuation of what promised to be oh so good.
The mind backflips. I just can't shake that cosmic blues sometimes.
Yesterday only I lay panting on her couch, trying to deal with how good of times these are. The utter mindfuck, the ultimate punch to throw me over the edge.
Living at the verge of falling and no security nets no where except for in the chimera and pipe dreams that hold me hostage when I lie paralyzed on my uncomfortable futon trying to grasp my life as it is dwindling and fading away.

The broken spasms call me to their underworld of letting go, drowneded pain and forsaken sorrows.
Listening to old, old memories of oh so meaningful love. The refuge from past wounds that just can't be mended. The impossible questions that can never be rendered nor resolved. The what if's, the maybe's and the don'ts. Her broken heart shimmering next to mine and his broken words. My strife, her loss, your lost soul wandering the fogged up world of phantasms and nitty gritty every day work.
Survival.
And new challenges that can be still lost
If I keep
letting
go