the hunter

So you like to be turned down she says.
I laugh, hysterically maybe, hum and haw...
Well.

I like the not so obvious. If I was breathtakingly beautiful I would enjoy looking at myself in the morning. Just pure joy of estetics. But I would probably never go for all those guys who are so obviously losing their shit over my appearance. I would go for the guys who could have anyone but truly learned to care for what is behind the facade. It would be a matter of personal survival to me.
I am not that mind blowingly pretty though. I have a different handicap: I have many talents. I am very personable. I have a lot of energy. I impress people more often than not with my skills and experiences.

This sounds so horrible just writing it out. I feel this burning disgust pressuring my chest just reading it. Hopeful to re-read this later and say, oh my gosh, I was so full of shit.
But oh well, I have reasons to say that and even though, luckily, I don't leave an impression in certain scenes and circles, it happens a lot.
I dislike people...no, I don't dislike them for that, but I lose love-interest for guys who are easily impressed with me. Who tell me how much they admire me and how amazing I am and all that stuff. People long to hear that but they want to hear it for different reasons. I don't need those kind of compliments because I am used to them. They are what 'OMG you are so BEAUTIFUL' comments are to beautiful people. It flatters, but you are annoyed that yet again, they couldn't see any further.

I like P. because he smiled and flirted with me but didn't go for me in a very obvious way. He is busy with his own heartbreak. I didn't blow his mind that much. Anyway, not enough to cover up his pain.
And I am still interested.
I fell for D. because he let me just be. His words of adoration, later on, meant everything to me. Every little compliment from his mouth meant the world to me. Because he saw right through me, in some ways, he told me not to bullshit myself and take the easy way out. He didn't say: Oh, gosh, you are so talented Piranha, you impress me more than anyone, I want to be with you. He just wanted to be with me. The real me. So it felt.

I don't want no guys who are amazed by me. As stupid as that sounds. Because for sure I want to be adored and admired by my love but there needs to be equilibrium. I just don't want to be merely satisfying someone's fantasy of being with someone LIKE me, who does this and that and that. I want to be worth it stripped bare of all those things. Not saying that character traits don't matter. Or social skills. But the way they are appreciated and consumed, does.