warrior of light or: to abdict, to abstain from, to do without

Sometimes I get so caught up with daily life, emotions, burdens... and forget, what I truly want.
What it really is I am about. Just because I am curious about the dark side of the moon doesn't mean I have to go there all the way. This is a world which is tumbling alongside the edge of a deep abyss of fear and insanity. Since I am a little child I know that I am on the other side. It might sound pathetic but I really feel I want to become a warrior of light. And there are wonderful people in my life, who remind me of that. In my personal relationships I tend to gravitate towards guys who have seen the other side. The dark side of the moon. Who went there halfways or all the way. Naturally they are attracted to me too. As my dad says, dark and light attract each other to form the middle, to create colors.
I am interested in healing. In growing. In creating. I know that destruction is part of it. I know that destruction and growth have to be balanced.

But for myself, I truly want to find the middle within myself. I want to learn and excercise. I want to learn how to abdict, to abstain from, to do without. Get stronger by doing so. Start little. With sugar. Wine. Never ask of other people to do something you haven't done yourself. I will never be able to reach out the hand to someone or take a hand from someone who is reaching out to heal, if I haven't battled my own addictions yet.

And yes, I am intrigued by the life of colors and richness, the abundance. But, and this I have to say, I sympathize way stronger with figures like Gandhi. It's so easy to forget. To be comfortable in our own petty lives. Make it comfortable. Find excuses and be alright. There is nothing wrong with that. Or IS THERE!?

I am thinking of my sister's friend Alina. She is a follower of this blog. She has an amazing photo-blog, check it out.
She is someone I know, who is BURNING on both sides, because she just can't sleep. Knowing of the injustice and wound and crisis in Palestina.

I have shielded myself from many things in the past because I burnt my candle on both ends at a very young age. I suffered physically from environmental destruction and social injustice. Children being recruited to be soldiers. People "disappearing" in Argentina and many other countries.
It took a toll on my heart and it does sound pathetic but I suffered.
And I have shielded myself for a long time now. I had to, or so I thought. I came up with great explanations as to why. I had to, naturally, since I have to look into the mirror every day.
I guess, maybe, one reason was, to be able to invest in myself without dissolving into the insanity of these problems and tragedies.

But again and again I feel the time approaching in which I have to step out again.

From this shelter
this nest
and not fear

the dark side of the moon