It's like 'FUCK YEAH, I made the mistake!
I mean, like, 'FUCK FUCK, never look at the text messages somebody else wrote him'
ya know
ya, ya all know, i know...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
how close light and darkness are. inseparable
Lets go to a Motel. We bought candles and condoms, orange juice and snickers, he said he feels like fuck I would like to get high and I also would like to kill somebody.
Softness pours out of every inch of my heart. There is darkness in each of us we all have to deal with it. Somehow.
I took his hand and smiled.
Later after we had had a beautiful erotic and romantic bath together, he pressed against the wall a little later, we lost in the rhythms of eternal attraction, love making, sweet sweet love. touch me. feel me. make me feel special. make me feel real. He turns to the G4, looking for music, skipping songs just like I hate it, getting lost in memories - mostly sad ones he says - and my aching body, soul abandoned on the sheets, so clean, so soft, so wonderful.
just hang out with me, he begs, just don't be sad. I say be with me, I feel like you ignore me. I think why don't you take me in your arms? I am sad but you could make me feel better....
Where in the delicate balance lingering there in the air was my part? Should I have seduced my lover? The dream and desire to be desired, to be overwhelmed, to be treated like I feel I deserve it overshadows any motivation. I rest, turn around. My eyes fill up with tears, the candles burn down slowly, slowly.
Two stubborn people clashing in silence.
He falls asleep. The candles light the scenery in warm warm colours. I see myself in the big mirror on the wall. I am shortsighted, I only see like through pastell. A beautiful girl, a beautiful body with long hair, sad eyes. A beautiful boy lying next to her knees, curly hair mingled with the blanket, long eye lashes throwing long shadows on his face. My beautiful gypsy...
I sit there and stare and stare, lost, somehow lost, until tears roll down my cheeks, quietly, secretely. I can't be again the one to make it up, to act as if it was allright and reach out to him. I am so tired of that. So tired.
Mama!!!
A little sob lifts my chest. I glide down off the bed, slip into my jeans and training jacket, without underwear, barefeet, look for the roomkey, my money, his phone because mine is dead, and go to buy an international calling card. 10 $. While waiting I read his text messages, the ones I sent him, the ones he sent me, the ones of...
of...
*sighs heavily*
fuck. who is that chick??? 'i want to be with you for ever man!' 'hey sweetie' 'what how can you sleep while i am stressing?'
nothing really to bother, too ambigious, too vague. But it stabs me right there where they say the heart is.
*breathes heavily*
fuck. I start to cry and sob. Oh god. Oh god. Oh was my sister right in the end???
wait piranha, relax, it could be a misunderstanding. relax. wait until you know. oh fuck, oh fuck, how can i know????? fuck!!!!!!!
bare feet running over the parking ground. cigarettes.
he sometimes lies out of consideration for my feelings. for example he says this chick in the car that i hear in the background is his cousin jesse whereas it is lydia, the girl who hits on him. could i care less?
we always treat others the way we would like to be treated. thats why he lies in order not to upset or hurt me - thats why i always tell the truth no matter what. irony of human psychology.
In my mind I run through my address book. Who could I talk to? wake my wife up? tiffany? no. Europe. My mother is at home, fortunately. I talk calmly, pretend everything is okay. Then I cry and sob and laugh at the same time, just as the women do in my family...She says I deserve a relationship in which my lover understands my magical sides. But maybe you don't need that now, darling, maybe you have your friends now for that, if the person itself means so much to you, you can sacrifice that. BUt you are so young, darling,, darling, you are so young. There is so much more for you to see and discover.
I cry, no ground under my feet. Oh Mother. Oh mama. I can't help it, I know it is stupid, it is DUMB, but I think of the end, although I am still at the beginning!!! I can't help it. It makes me sick and so sad. I know that it can't work out somehow. It is so difficult. I want to work through the difficult stuff....but it is like fucking Romeo and Juliet, we are from two entirely different worlds. He has seen the evil sides more than enough. He has been there. tasted it, lived it, suffered from it. people he loved have been taken away from him by it.
I have always been in this fairy tale world. But i have seen the other side. I loved a boy who was right there over five years. I haven't been there myself but i am aware of it. I understand that he has to worry about me considering where he is coming from. but i know that i am not afraid and there is no need to.
I think. Oh man, but I really deserve to be treated differently. The problem with the gypsy is that he would never do something on demand but only by himself. So I have to learn how to trigger that want.
I smoke. He doesn't like it. One more reason.
A young lady and her dog. Punky. Cigarettes. A voice from Berlin. My best friend Kaspar. Relief. I am calm now, a voice from Berlin, from where my dreams come from. His words so reassuring. So alleviating. 50 minutes recharging my batteries. His plans to hitchhike down to marocco, egypt, near east, then east europe next summer.....ahhh.....Good bye Piranha, I cuddle you through the line! go and say hello from me to Dany and tell him not to worry so much about you...
he wouldn't understand. He can't understand that a girl and her best male friend can sleep in the same bed and it is okay. He can't. He will always worry.
Everything will be allright. We just have to go on. Somehow.
I go back and draw another picture in my sketchbook. Sitting next to my love. He opens his eyes for a split second. three candles already died. The music still playing. It is five or six o clock in the morning. He didn't realize I was gone. I curl up next to him, feel his body next to mine. And my eyes fill up with tears again. Snickers, tooth brush, soap to make the smoke smell go away. I don't want to bother him with my shit too much.
In the car on the way to school I ask him 'so how many chicks have you aside me?' "that i love? - none. you'
'well, what about those you - don't love?'
'thats not important'
'aha. so if i had someone aside you who is not important really...'
'no!!!!' - 'girls can't do that. only boys can' he grins at me.
'man I am joking Piranha, by the way...'
by the way???
Wrapping this post up I just decided I won't ask him about fucking Tundi. Because, seriously, I don't really care. It'd be his problem how to coordinate things and all that. All I know is, I will be a whole entity by myself again. I will go on on my way and meet the people and things I have to meet. I will give him my love but something will change. I won't make my happiness dependend on him. Not one inch. Too bad. But thats how it goes. why the fuck did i have to fall in love with this darkness again.
I will dance on the thin line between the light and the dark
Softness pours out of every inch of my heart. There is darkness in each of us we all have to deal with it. Somehow.
I took his hand and smiled.
Later after we had had a beautiful erotic and romantic bath together, he pressed against the wall a little later, we lost in the rhythms of eternal attraction, love making, sweet sweet love. touch me. feel me. make me feel special. make me feel real. He turns to the G4, looking for music, skipping songs just like I hate it, getting lost in memories - mostly sad ones he says - and my aching body, soul abandoned on the sheets, so clean, so soft, so wonderful.
just hang out with me, he begs, just don't be sad. I say be with me, I feel like you ignore me. I think why don't you take me in your arms? I am sad but you could make me feel better....
Where in the delicate balance lingering there in the air was my part? Should I have seduced my lover? The dream and desire to be desired, to be overwhelmed, to be treated like I feel I deserve it overshadows any motivation. I rest, turn around. My eyes fill up with tears, the candles burn down slowly, slowly.
Two stubborn people clashing in silence.
He falls asleep. The candles light the scenery in warm warm colours. I see myself in the big mirror on the wall. I am shortsighted, I only see like through pastell. A beautiful girl, a beautiful body with long hair, sad eyes. A beautiful boy lying next to her knees, curly hair mingled with the blanket, long eye lashes throwing long shadows on his face. My beautiful gypsy...
I sit there and stare and stare, lost, somehow lost, until tears roll down my cheeks, quietly, secretely. I can't be again the one to make it up, to act as if it was allright and reach out to him. I am so tired of that. So tired.
Mama!!!
A little sob lifts my chest. I glide down off the bed, slip into my jeans and training jacket, without underwear, barefeet, look for the roomkey, my money, his phone because mine is dead, and go to buy an international calling card. 10 $. While waiting I read his text messages, the ones I sent him, the ones he sent me, the ones of...
of...
*sighs heavily*
fuck. who is that chick??? 'i want to be with you for ever man!' 'hey sweetie' 'what how can you sleep while i am stressing?'
nothing really to bother, too ambigious, too vague. But it stabs me right there where they say the heart is.
*breathes heavily*
fuck. I start to cry and sob. Oh god. Oh god. Oh was my sister right in the end???
wait piranha, relax, it could be a misunderstanding. relax. wait until you know. oh fuck, oh fuck, how can i know????? fuck!!!!!!!
bare feet running over the parking ground. cigarettes.
he sometimes lies out of consideration for my feelings. for example he says this chick in the car that i hear in the background is his cousin jesse whereas it is lydia, the girl who hits on him. could i care less?
we always treat others the way we would like to be treated. thats why he lies in order not to upset or hurt me - thats why i always tell the truth no matter what. irony of human psychology.
In my mind I run through my address book. Who could I talk to? wake my wife up? tiffany? no. Europe. My mother is at home, fortunately. I talk calmly, pretend everything is okay. Then I cry and sob and laugh at the same time, just as the women do in my family...She says I deserve a relationship in which my lover understands my magical sides. But maybe you don't need that now, darling, maybe you have your friends now for that, if the person itself means so much to you, you can sacrifice that. BUt you are so young, darling,, darling, you are so young. There is so much more for you to see and discover.
I cry, no ground under my feet. Oh Mother. Oh mama. I can't help it, I know it is stupid, it is DUMB, but I think of the end, although I am still at the beginning!!! I can't help it. It makes me sick and so sad. I know that it can't work out somehow. It is so difficult. I want to work through the difficult stuff....but it is like fucking Romeo and Juliet, we are from two entirely different worlds. He has seen the evil sides more than enough. He has been there. tasted it, lived it, suffered from it. people he loved have been taken away from him by it.
I have always been in this fairy tale world. But i have seen the other side. I loved a boy who was right there over five years. I haven't been there myself but i am aware of it. I understand that he has to worry about me considering where he is coming from. but i know that i am not afraid and there is no need to.
I think. Oh man, but I really deserve to be treated differently. The problem with the gypsy is that he would never do something on demand but only by himself. So I have to learn how to trigger that want.
I smoke. He doesn't like it. One more reason.
A young lady and her dog. Punky. Cigarettes. A voice from Berlin. My best friend Kaspar. Relief. I am calm now, a voice from Berlin, from where my dreams come from. His words so reassuring. So alleviating. 50 minutes recharging my batteries. His plans to hitchhike down to marocco, egypt, near east, then east europe next summer.....ahhh.....Good bye Piranha, I cuddle you through the line! go and say hello from me to Dany and tell him not to worry so much about you...
he wouldn't understand. He can't understand that a girl and her best male friend can sleep in the same bed and it is okay. He can't. He will always worry.
Everything will be allright. We just have to go on. Somehow.
I go back and draw another picture in my sketchbook. Sitting next to my love. He opens his eyes for a split second. three candles already died. The music still playing. It is five or six o clock in the morning. He didn't realize I was gone. I curl up next to him, feel his body next to mine. And my eyes fill up with tears again. Snickers, tooth brush, soap to make the smoke smell go away. I don't want to bother him with my shit too much.
In the car on the way to school I ask him 'so how many chicks have you aside me?' "that i love? - none. you'
'well, what about those you - don't love?'
'thats not important'
'aha. so if i had someone aside you who is not important really...'
'no!!!!' - 'girls can't do that. only boys can' he grins at me.
'man I am joking Piranha, by the way...'
by the way???
Wrapping this post up I just decided I won't ask him about fucking Tundi. Because, seriously, I don't really care. It'd be his problem how to coordinate things and all that. All I know is, I will be a whole entity by myself again. I will go on on my way and meet the people and things I have to meet. I will give him my love but something will change. I won't make my happiness dependend on him. Not one inch. Too bad. But thats how it goes. why the fuck did i have to fall in love with this darkness again.
I will dance on the thin line between the light and the dark
Monday, January 30, 2006
if i can't fly at least i want to fall
So what can I say now
After the clouds have passed
And the thunder ebbed out
There is still nothing that could make me proud
Come on come on let me punch this wall!
What else has to happen to make this wake up call
Boredom kreeps up to me
From behind
It s like doggystyle and being blind
Beauty surrounds me
I might suffocate
What the hell makes me think it is already too late?
Come on come on let me punch this wall
Nothing really makes sense at all
Can you feel me
Can you relate
Some people come early
Some people come never or simply too late
Fuck the rhymes
Fuck you too
I just don’t know anymore
What to do
Come on come on let me punch this mufa wall
Let me break down this stupid empty echoing hall
No satisfaction
Whatsoever
I try and try
Fuck everything
Start to cry
Ye ye we all want to fly
Fuck everything
I drop and run
Garbage can coffee and cigarettes
Pretend I have fun
Wish I would come(ha what a nice word pun)
To grips and to inspiration
Fuck all I see
Is bleak desolation
Come on come on let me punch this wall
If I can’t fly at least I want to fall
After the clouds have passed
And the thunder ebbed out
There is still nothing that could make me proud
Come on come on let me punch this wall!
What else has to happen to make this wake up call
Boredom kreeps up to me
From behind
It s like doggystyle and being blind
Beauty surrounds me
I might suffocate
What the hell makes me think it is already too late?
Come on come on let me punch this wall
Nothing really makes sense at all
Can you feel me
Can you relate
Some people come early
Some people come never or simply too late
Fuck the rhymes
Fuck you too
I just don’t know anymore
What to do
Come on come on let me punch this mufa wall
Let me break down this stupid empty echoing hall
No satisfaction
Whatsoever
I try and try
Fuck everything
Start to cry
Ye ye we all want to fly
Fuck everything
I drop and run
Garbage can coffee and cigarettes
Pretend I have fun
Wish I would come(ha what a nice word pun)
To grips and to inspiration
Fuck all I see
Is bleak desolation
Come on come on let me punch this wall
If I can’t fly at least I want to fall
missing fucking berlin too much. yah.
god i am so fucking sad. it weighs my heart down
tonight i dreamt that i changed my mind and went to berlin. it felt AWESOMELY FUCKING FRICKING GREAT and beautiful. relief. ahhh.

i am tired of everything here
i am pissed off at klodia

for no reason

i still smoke.

i worry about dany and me because i get the feeling that this will end fucking tragically and thats bad. i should enjoy in the moment. but it will fucking break our heart

you know? i can't possible break up now, because it is not the time to do so. i know that it would break his heart BIG TIME so i can't because there is no reason to. but it makes me sick to realize that there is still so much more out there and that i need things that he can't give me........

and that one day we will have to depart and it makes me all sick. hollywood makes me sick. the big hummers make me sick. the fucking american way makes me sick. the people here. i hate everything right now. i sit here at starbucks (just for internet!) and have tears in my eyes. fuck. tears. and there is even no frickin PMS coming up. thats all real and bad and really bad

tonight i dreamt that i changed my mind and went to berlin. it felt AWESOMELY FUCKING FRICKING GREAT and beautiful. relief. ahhh.

i am tired of everything here
i am pissed off at klodia

for no reason

i still smoke.

i worry about dany and me because i get the feeling that this will end fucking tragically and thats bad. i should enjoy in the moment. but it will fucking break our heart

you know? i can't possible break up now, because it is not the time to do so. i know that it would break his heart BIG TIME so i can't because there is no reason to. but it makes me sick to realize that there is still so much more out there and that i need things that he can't give me........

and that one day we will have to depart and it makes me all sick. hollywood makes me sick. the big hummers make me sick. the fucking american way makes me sick. the people here. i hate everything right now. i sit here at starbucks (just for internet!) and have tears in my eyes. fuck. tears. and there is even no frickin PMS coming up. thats all real and bad and really bad

magic magic magic happens.. just let it in!!!
The beauty lingered in the air for a moment
Nothing was like it was before after he crossed the line
The past gone, wrapped up in good will and affection, offered to the earth, the sky, the ocean, the sun and the stars for all we are is now and for all we were is going back to where it came from.
The life in the innate object squivered for an instant, a blink, a brisk second.
Why don’t you understand me?
Can you love me?
What are you longing for?
What is it that you are missing?
The missing links call us from everywhere, from where ever they are.
The missing links we find when we are ready
But then
Once we found
We have to let go
And sacrifice the gift
At the altar of life
Of love
Of mother earth
And father sun
Beauty surrounds me every second I am
You in my presence, me in your presence doesn’t mean any less
It is all there
For eternity in the now
so why the fuck can't you leave me be? why the fuck do you want all magic exclusively for us?
this is what i am living from. this is my daily bread. this is what keeps me going. this is what keeps me alive. this is what i breathe, this is who i am.
lets ask with Krishnamurti: how can a mind that is afraid love?
Nothing was like it was before after he crossed the line
The past gone, wrapped up in good will and affection, offered to the earth, the sky, the ocean, the sun and the stars for all we are is now and for all we were is going back to where it came from.
The life in the innate object squivered for an instant, a blink, a brisk second.
Why don’t you understand me?
Can you love me?
What are you longing for?
What is it that you are missing?
The missing links call us from everywhere, from where ever they are.
The missing links we find when we are ready
But then
Once we found
We have to let go
And sacrifice the gift
At the altar of life
Of love
Of mother earth
And father sun
Beauty surrounds me every second I am
You in my presence, me in your presence doesn’t mean any less
It is all there
For eternity in the now
so why the fuck can't you leave me be? why the fuck do you want all magic exclusively for us?
this is what i am living from. this is my daily bread. this is what keeps me going. this is what keeps me alive. this is what i breathe, this is who i am.
lets ask with Krishnamurti: how can a mind that is afraid love?
sex at crazy places. don't fuck with the past
Sex at crazy places
He paused. You wanna know?
Mh.
Yeah, I want to. But don’t tell me with who and how it was.
Well, okay, … and then he went on where he had had sex. All those crazy places. In a restaurant. In a bathroom, in the restaurant kitchen, in school and so on.
Me, too, I have some crazy memories. Sex with myself at crazy places not included.
That’s a whole different story
I went up to practice. And suddenly, bam, that fucking image in my head, trying to picture how he made love to her in a dark corner of the restaurant kitchen.
Aargh! Aargh.
That’s bad. That’s no good. It makes me sick. Stop that already Piranha. Stop it.
Life is rolling on you should be happy he had so much experiences, it pays off now.
Fuck.
It makes me sick. I can’t stand it. I mean, isn’t it strange how we always want to know stuff from the past and in the same time can’t handle or stand it?
The same with him. I told him about my crazy Andi-story. Fuck Andi was allright but I didn’t love him at all.
He got silent and had this expression on his face….It sucks to hear stuff like that. It sucks. Those stories should be reserved for same sex friends, like girls chatting and laughing about their past.
He paused. You wanna know?
Mh.
Yeah, I want to. But don’t tell me with who and how it was.
Well, okay, … and then he went on where he had had sex. All those crazy places. In a restaurant. In a bathroom, in the restaurant kitchen, in school and so on.
Me, too, I have some crazy memories. Sex with myself at crazy places not included.
That’s a whole different story
I went up to practice. And suddenly, bam, that fucking image in my head, trying to picture how he made love to her in a dark corner of the restaurant kitchen.
Aargh! Aargh.
That’s bad. That’s no good. It makes me sick. Stop that already Piranha. Stop it.
Life is rolling on you should be happy he had so much experiences, it pays off now.
Fuck.
It makes me sick. I can’t stand it. I mean, isn’t it strange how we always want to know stuff from the past and in the same time can’t handle or stand it?
The same with him. I told him about my crazy Andi-story. Fuck Andi was allright but I didn’t love him at all.
He got silent and had this expression on his face….It sucks to hear stuff like that. It sucks. Those stories should be reserved for same sex friends, like girls chatting and laughing about their past.
Jose. Homeless, longing, blissfully happy.
I could fill you in with facts about this magician I just met today. The day was windy and sunny and I was inspired by typewriting the script for an artist friend of mione whose most magical quality is to be so amazed and awed about his own creativity as only a child could be....
Jose held a piece of wood in his hands. So SMOOF! so Beautiful. In this awesome 'Novel Cafe' in Venice. Ahhh, feels like home.
by his smile i could tell that we are on the same page. the same wave length, speaking the same language.
oh life, oh life
so we long for so much and life keeps on giving us all these beautiful things, which we have to learn to embrace and appreciate. once we have learned that lesson we can have it all. because what we need will be given to us. amen.
:)
but seriously, it is that way, isn't it? we love to entertain ourselves with all those dreams and we like to believe that we need them. sure we do, but we don't need to be unhappy or dissatisfied because of them. keep your eyes open to what is and you will be. yippie
Jose is homeless, he is longing for the womb, the protection of a fixed shelter, a woman, dancing butnaked to Barry White :)
I can relate.
but he is not bitter or unhappy. he is waiting patientally for the ship to arrive, sand polishing meanwhile beautiful pieces of wood he finds on the wood (or well, actually they call him) and bringing life back to them. you should have seen the wonderful root. it IS alive, so SMOOOOF!!! and so beautiful. (do i repeat myself? damn. i need a digi cam! so i could show you at least how it looked like!!!) you find new shapes and forms and faces and beings in it, it is a wonderful companion. he has more of them, bigger, smaller and he is a magical person to meet. floating in peace and stillness while offering the most beautiful smile with his heart, his lips, his eyes, his soul, his spirit.
lets join in NOW
Jose held a piece of wood in his hands. So SMOOF! so Beautiful. In this awesome 'Novel Cafe' in Venice. Ahhh, feels like home.
by his smile i could tell that we are on the same page. the same wave length, speaking the same language.
oh life, oh life
so we long for so much and life keeps on giving us all these beautiful things, which we have to learn to embrace and appreciate. once we have learned that lesson we can have it all. because what we need will be given to us. amen.
:)
but seriously, it is that way, isn't it? we love to entertain ourselves with all those dreams and we like to believe that we need them. sure we do, but we don't need to be unhappy or dissatisfied because of them. keep your eyes open to what is and you will be. yippie
Jose is homeless, he is longing for the womb, the protection of a fixed shelter, a woman, dancing butnaked to Barry White :)
I can relate.
but he is not bitter or unhappy. he is waiting patientally for the ship to arrive, sand polishing meanwhile beautiful pieces of wood he finds on the wood (or well, actually they call him) and bringing life back to them. you should have seen the wonderful root. it IS alive, so SMOOOOF!!! and so beautiful. (do i repeat myself? damn. i need a digi cam! so i could show you at least how it looked like!!!) you find new shapes and forms and faces and beings in it, it is a wonderful companion. he has more of them, bigger, smaller and he is a magical person to meet. floating in peace and stillness while offering the most beautiful smile with his heart, his lips, his eyes, his soul, his spirit.
lets join in NOW
Sunday, January 29, 2006
girlfriends #2
girlfriends really should stick together and not say a word...
stupid me i told my love that i talked to tiff about all these things and of course it all ended with him angrily saying, please, can you NOT talk about our sexlife to other people? that is - between, like, you and me!
*chuckles*
oh dear. she is not people, she is my friend!
well but still....fuck!
I smile and promise I won't do it again. *wink* sometimes an emergency lie has to help out....
because how could i possible demand from him to understand that? he is a guy. he is only 20. there is still hope.
as i said already, if you guys knew what we are really talking like when you are not around....
it s just DIFFERENT for you.
i need to talk to my friend about things.
about that thing that thing that thing that thing
*laughs*
*smirks*
loves you all
stupid me i told my love that i talked to tiff about all these things and of course it all ended with him angrily saying, please, can you NOT talk about our sexlife to other people? that is - between, like, you and me!
*chuckles*
oh dear. she is not people, she is my friend!
well but still....fuck!
I smile and promise I won't do it again. *wink* sometimes an emergency lie has to help out....
because how could i possible demand from him to understand that? he is a guy. he is only 20. there is still hope.
as i said already, if you guys knew what we are really talking like when you are not around....
it s just DIFFERENT for you.
i need to talk to my friend about things.
about that thing that thing that thing that thing
*laughs*
*smirks*
loves you all
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
girl friends
girl friends.
you see them at the karma coffee house, sitting outside, drinking coffee, eating oranges or fudge, smoking and - most of all - giggeling.
*sighs*
yeah, dear world, girl friends are that thing that you don't want to miss out in your life. because, what worth does a relationship and a lover or an affair or even an asshole have, if there is no one to talk about to? noone to reach a conclusion with, no one to download the burdens of emotional turmoil and confusion, no one to upload some giggely energy that reassures you of your own worth and values and makes you subsequently a better person???
see, dear male fellas, if there were no girl friends your women would be all bitchy all day long. it would be like PMS all month long. now, i am sure you don't want that!~? because who is gonna put up with that? the whole world would break down, nothing would work anymore, everybody would be grumpy and pissed and unhappy, business would dwindle down the drain, politics would go down to hell because all those motherfuckers with their bitchy wifes at home would start a war over nothing and all that, you know what i am talkin about right????
girlfriends...
You need a best girlfriend of course, after a certain age you start having best girl friends for different occasions. for example i had a friend that was just dope to watch movies (sentimental movies) with, the other one to go out dancing with and so on...I have my 'wife' here as my best friend, but for one thing she is not good to talk to: about my problems with my darling Dany. She always defends him (she considers him to be her brother) and tells me how much of a drama queen i am and what i should do better and la la la. you know, sometimes we don't need a good advice - i heard somebody say advice is the worst vice - but someone to just listen to our ramblings and then look into our eyes and say with sympathy how much of an asshole this motherfucker is and how much she understands you....
of course, sometimes we also need someone to drag us out of depressions lurking around the corner or bring us back to the bottom, but yeah, sometimes only, sometimes...
so yesterday night was aboslutely gorgeous. tiffany called me and invited me to this open mic session at the hostel she worked at. And NOW that was an absolutely different environment from our school, where i am most of the time intimidated like hell. I actually performed like two three songs and it was GOOD! it felt good and i found back to my OWN music! wow!!!!
WOW. so although i know the key is inside me, to get there certain environments are definetely more helpful than others.
I called Dany and told him I can't see him for his break, it was THAT gorgeous. Later on Tiff, Elsa and I went to the Karma Coffee House and had a drink and talked.
you wanna know what a girls talk looks like? hm. maybe i even shouldn't write that down, because, i don't know...If YOU GUYS KNEW what we are talking about you would probably never again talk to us. hahaha. yeah. nuff said. I go now and enjoy that I am not ALONE with my problems on this fucking planet. Tiff has the same sexual problems like I do (I guess like 60% of the rest of the women too...it s just nobody really dares to talk so much about it, except for with their girlfriends. and now, for gods sake, we are not girlfriends with EVERYBODY! and I don't know whether it is true, but we found it to be very fortunate that we ALL are europeans because with American girls we couldn't talk like that so far....but whatever, who cares...)
well yeah. and i have to take care that my talkative mouth doesn't spoil the fun and tells dany straight away what we talked about.
but hey, Raffael (Elsa's lover), don't worry, size DOES matter. there is such a thing as TOO BIG. don't worry ;-)
you see them at the karma coffee house, sitting outside, drinking coffee, eating oranges or fudge, smoking and - most of all - giggeling.
*sighs*
yeah, dear world, girl friends are that thing that you don't want to miss out in your life. because, what worth does a relationship and a lover or an affair or even an asshole have, if there is no one to talk about to? noone to reach a conclusion with, no one to download the burdens of emotional turmoil and confusion, no one to upload some giggely energy that reassures you of your own worth and values and makes you subsequently a better person???
see, dear male fellas, if there were no girl friends your women would be all bitchy all day long. it would be like PMS all month long. now, i am sure you don't want that!~? because who is gonna put up with that? the whole world would break down, nothing would work anymore, everybody would be grumpy and pissed and unhappy, business would dwindle down the drain, politics would go down to hell because all those motherfuckers with their bitchy wifes at home would start a war over nothing and all that, you know what i am talkin about right????
girlfriends...
You need a best girlfriend of course, after a certain age you start having best girl friends for different occasions. for example i had a friend that was just dope to watch movies (sentimental movies) with, the other one to go out dancing with and so on...I have my 'wife' here as my best friend, but for one thing she is not good to talk to: about my problems with my darling Dany. She always defends him (she considers him to be her brother) and tells me how much of a drama queen i am and what i should do better and la la la. you know, sometimes we don't need a good advice - i heard somebody say advice is the worst vice - but someone to just listen to our ramblings and then look into our eyes and say with sympathy how much of an asshole this motherfucker is and how much she understands you....
of course, sometimes we also need someone to drag us out of depressions lurking around the corner or bring us back to the bottom, but yeah, sometimes only, sometimes...
so yesterday night was aboslutely gorgeous. tiffany called me and invited me to this open mic session at the hostel she worked at. And NOW that was an absolutely different environment from our school, where i am most of the time intimidated like hell. I actually performed like two three songs and it was GOOD! it felt good and i found back to my OWN music! wow!!!!
WOW. so although i know the key is inside me, to get there certain environments are definetely more helpful than others.
I called Dany and told him I can't see him for his break, it was THAT gorgeous. Later on Tiff, Elsa and I went to the Karma Coffee House and had a drink and talked.
you wanna know what a girls talk looks like? hm. maybe i even shouldn't write that down, because, i don't know...If YOU GUYS KNEW what we are talking about you would probably never again talk to us. hahaha. yeah. nuff said. I go now and enjoy that I am not ALONE with my problems on this fucking planet. Tiff has the same sexual problems like I do (I guess like 60% of the rest of the women too...it s just nobody really dares to talk so much about it, except for with their girlfriends. and now, for gods sake, we are not girlfriends with EVERYBODY! and I don't know whether it is true, but we found it to be very fortunate that we ALL are europeans because with American girls we couldn't talk like that so far....but whatever, who cares...)
well yeah. and i have to take care that my talkative mouth doesn't spoil the fun and tells dany straight away what we talked about.
but hey, Raffael (Elsa's lover), don't worry, size DOES matter. there is such a thing as TOO BIG. don't worry ;-)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
same language
do you too have sometimes the feeling that nobody speaks your language? it s such an effort to always translate what people are saying, to try to bring your points across, your emotions, your thoughts, it is such a tidious process...
is there nobody out there speaking my language? you know that sort of relaxation and smile effect that a conversation with your very best old friend has on you...you know exactly that no matter what you say, it will be understood in the right way, it won't be misinterpreted, unclarities will be quickly resolved, sometimes just by means of mimics and it s not so much the words but the silence between them that make the language...
sometimes i feel so lost here. so lost. so lonely.
i feel like nobody here speaks my language really. even not my gypsy. especially he not. maybe thats the exciting part maybe thats the good part and allows us to grow a lot. but sometimes, honestly, i get very sad and tired of not being able to relax. i only can relax when i am physically with him, when i can feel his heart beating, when i feel his love and his eyes talk to me. like my best friend back in Germany he is the master of communication without words.
but the piranha you know is a piranha of words. my real name actually means translated 'the one who reigns with the word' and jesus, my parents must have had a good intution choosing this name for me...
so i feel lost and crave talking to my sister in switzerland because she speaks my language. my two other sisters don't. i crave talking to my dad, because he speaks my language. my mother doesn't. see, it s not about love or relationships, it s about something that i can't describe. it s just there. it doesn't matter in terms of how important someone is to you but it does matter whether or not it is in your life and it matters in terms of soul- and mind-sanity.
Then I stop and realize, wait, I know someone here, who speaks my language. his name is Keita and he wants to marry me. He would be the perfect match but last year's lesson with J. (my ex who matched every single point i ever made up to define my future husband) taught me that it is NOT about the perfect match but about how you a person makes you feel and how much potential of growth there is in the relationship. Now, Keita and I would have a lot of potential and he makes me feel fabulous but I fell in love with Dany and not with him. God, who can blame me, i couldn't help it.
But with me being in a relationship with the Gypsy our friendship dwindled down the drain, unfortunately. Our encounters lost their genuintiy and intensity, probably out of fear and for the sake of emotional protection from either side.
but today i called him and we talked and it was like medicine for my soul. he sees the world as i do, just instead of calling it 'magic' he calls it 'rhythm' and ... god. I am so grateful for him being in my life. It feels just so so good to have someone to talk to in a relaxed, trustful and selfexplaning way... even my 'wife' isn't a friend like that to me. the person i can relate my problems with the gypsy to is my niece by the way, because she is a woman and understands me in her own way...my wife always protects and defends the gypsy and tells me how stupid i am. great. thank you. i just need someone to download my frustrations to in order to clear my system and then i can be all happy and loving again.....
in berlin i had almost only friends who spoke my language. so thats LA for me. I appreciate every encounter and friendship even the more now.....
in love
piranha
is there nobody out there speaking my language? you know that sort of relaxation and smile effect that a conversation with your very best old friend has on you...you know exactly that no matter what you say, it will be understood in the right way, it won't be misinterpreted, unclarities will be quickly resolved, sometimes just by means of mimics and it s not so much the words but the silence between them that make the language...
sometimes i feel so lost here. so lost. so lonely.
i feel like nobody here speaks my language really. even not my gypsy. especially he not. maybe thats the exciting part maybe thats the good part and allows us to grow a lot. but sometimes, honestly, i get very sad and tired of not being able to relax. i only can relax when i am physically with him, when i can feel his heart beating, when i feel his love and his eyes talk to me. like my best friend back in Germany he is the master of communication without words.
but the piranha you know is a piranha of words. my real name actually means translated 'the one who reigns with the word' and jesus, my parents must have had a good intution choosing this name for me...
so i feel lost and crave talking to my sister in switzerland because she speaks my language. my two other sisters don't. i crave talking to my dad, because he speaks my language. my mother doesn't. see, it s not about love or relationships, it s about something that i can't describe. it s just there. it doesn't matter in terms of how important someone is to you but it does matter whether or not it is in your life and it matters in terms of soul- and mind-sanity.
Then I stop and realize, wait, I know someone here, who speaks my language. his name is Keita and he wants to marry me. He would be the perfect match but last year's lesson with J. (my ex who matched every single point i ever made up to define my future husband) taught me that it is NOT about the perfect match but about how you a person makes you feel and how much potential of growth there is in the relationship. Now, Keita and I would have a lot of potential and he makes me feel fabulous but I fell in love with Dany and not with him. God, who can blame me, i couldn't help it.
But with me being in a relationship with the Gypsy our friendship dwindled down the drain, unfortunately. Our encounters lost their genuintiy and intensity, probably out of fear and for the sake of emotional protection from either side.
but today i called him and we talked and it was like medicine for my soul. he sees the world as i do, just instead of calling it 'magic' he calls it 'rhythm' and ... god. I am so grateful for him being in my life. It feels just so so good to have someone to talk to in a relaxed, trustful and selfexplaning way... even my 'wife' isn't a friend like that to me. the person i can relate my problems with the gypsy to is my niece by the way, because she is a woman and understands me in her own way...my wife always protects and defends the gypsy and tells me how stupid i am. great. thank you. i just need someone to download my frustrations to in order to clear my system and then i can be all happy and loving again.....
in berlin i had almost only friends who spoke my language. so thats LA for me. I appreciate every encounter and friendship even the more now.....
in love
piranha
love is when the way matters
well, please. give me a break. do you think you are a superhero, a 20 year old mustang, a source of neverending sexual energy and power?
give me a break
how can you spoil this whole night just because YOU couldn't go on right after you came?
give me a break
EVERYBODY knows, that men can't really go on right away. you gotta take a fucking break. literally. hahaha
god, i am mad. not that i showed you really but geez, that was such a promising start and then something like that. wait. i ll give you time. we have to learn how to be with each other. to be is an active verb. TO. BE. we shouldn't take anything for granted. to love is active, too. it s nothing we should take for granted. it is an ungoing learning process.... i have no problem with that whatsoever. so maybe take my words and please don't make the same mistake twice.
you want to make love?
there we go: love is, when the way matters.
sex is when the goal matters more than the way. sex is when you get frustrated as a woman, when the man doesn't make you cum. it s like, we both should have fun.
but love.
oh love!
love!!!!!!~!! love! i mean, hey, give me a hug, kiss me back. respond to me. don't be frustrated and pissed off. thats egotistical. selfish. love should exceed the ego. I should be more important than your achievements. give me little kisses on my neck. my belly. my thighs. sigh. be with me. look at me and see your beauty reflected in me. talk to me. hold my hand. my feet. worship me, be a servant to the goddess. i will return all that and more. be honeste with me, open up, and i will give you all my love.
all
my
love
and more. love is, when the way matters....and give yourself a break. and me too....and breathe in the silence. listen to your heart. get over it. it s not like we don't have time at all. we have time to learn how to be with each other. we do....
i think the biggest misconception we have is, that love is something that happens rather than what we create. love is divine. the divine is creative. as simple as that. hormons DO things to us. we feel a rush of blood to the head or the other pole for that matter ;-). that HAPPENS to us. but love is what WE CREATE.
give me a break
how can you spoil this whole night just because YOU couldn't go on right after you came?
give me a break
EVERYBODY knows, that men can't really go on right away. you gotta take a fucking break. literally. hahaha
god, i am mad. not that i showed you really but geez, that was such a promising start and then something like that. wait. i ll give you time. we have to learn how to be with each other. to be is an active verb. TO. BE. we shouldn't take anything for granted. to love is active, too. it s nothing we should take for granted. it is an ungoing learning process.... i have no problem with that whatsoever. so maybe take my words and please don't make the same mistake twice.
you want to make love?
there we go: love is, when the way matters.
sex is when the goal matters more than the way. sex is when you get frustrated as a woman, when the man doesn't make you cum. it s like, we both should have fun.
but love.
oh love!
love!!!!!!~!! love! i mean, hey, give me a hug, kiss me back. respond to me. don't be frustrated and pissed off. thats egotistical. selfish. love should exceed the ego. I should be more important than your achievements. give me little kisses on my neck. my belly. my thighs. sigh. be with me. look at me and see your beauty reflected in me. talk to me. hold my hand. my feet. worship me, be a servant to the goddess. i will return all that and more. be honeste with me, open up, and i will give you all my love.
all
my
love
and more. love is, when the way matters....and give yourself a break. and me too....and breathe in the silence. listen to your heart. get over it. it s not like we don't have time at all. we have time to learn how to be with each other. we do....
i think the biggest misconception we have is, that love is something that happens rather than what we create. love is divine. the divine is creative. as simple as that. hormons DO things to us. we feel a rush of blood to the head or the other pole for that matter ;-). that HAPPENS to us. but love is what WE CREATE.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
the window to life
many will agree with me that there are times when we have this feeling that we are rather existing other than living. you know, i mean LIVING to the fullest, being in life, looking at life, understanding it with the heart.
there are a few people that i have met so far in my life, who i thought were so alive, so special, so encouraging, so radiating (sometimes not at first sight but still...) and i figured that all of them have found their very own window to what i call 'life' through whatever they were doing.
there is Pilar, my spanish dancing teacher, who approaches and understands life through her art. She encounters, meets, reaches out to other people through dancing and everything evolving around that. She found herself through dancing, she grew and developed and found a balance and energy that is like love: the more you give away the more you will have...
there is Lampi, a waldorf teacher and artist (sculpturing mostly but also painting and music) who climbs apple trees to get us apples at age 75 and catches as many sunrises as possible, who goes to Russia to build playgrounds in ghetto areas, who stops in awe in front of a beautiful object to draw it and admire it with love. His teachings, his words, his love, his attention have affected so many children and people I know, his youthfulness encourages everybody who sees him because it doesn't make you jealous but happy to see that. He is in balance and radiates and it seems like he knows the secret of life and he found it through his way.
there is my parents who have found their window to life through their relationship and philosophical, religious, literal studies, who have found the balance and wisdom through their work with children and teenagers, who have created an oasis with their kindergarden, who are perfect examples for me how to strive towards being a human
there is Elena, my Russian teacher, who found and came to many realizations about life and us and this world through her linguistic studies. Just another window!!! And she too, is in love with this world. with this marvellous beautiful world that bears so many secrets and mysteries. the ugly she can understand through linguistics too, and she is not afraid because she sees.
there is Mr. Elsen, a teacher of my highschool, who found his window through his art, too, his profession, his passion, and his attention, one handshake at the morning made me feel like i was seen and appreciated and i had a reason to be at this school. ONE handshake and one look into my eyes. ONE!
(...)
and there is now:
Pat Martino, a musician who lost his memory at some point in his life and relearned playing the guitar from the scratch. He held a clinic today at my school and boy, he changed my life here!!! Sometimes I wonder what place this episode here really has in my life. What it means, what I can learn from it and sometimes I feel very lost.
But he changed my perspective entirely. His way of looking at music and guitar, living it, seeing it everywhere, is HIS window to life and you can feel it, how he stands there, how he is balanced and grounded and so loving. IT IS AMAZING. I am so in awe. WOW. WOW. WOW. I don't know, I am sooo glad I was there. The beauty in the structure of music, the beauty of the guitar, this beauty is the same beauty as the beauty of mathematics, of biology, of painting, writing, of stress, of bad luck, good luck, life, this world, this society despite all its odds and sicknesses, it is the beauty of this universe of LIFE itself.
lets be
in life and love
there are a few people that i have met so far in my life, who i thought were so alive, so special, so encouraging, so radiating (sometimes not at first sight but still...) and i figured that all of them have found their very own window to what i call 'life' through whatever they were doing.
there is Pilar, my spanish dancing teacher, who approaches and understands life through her art. She encounters, meets, reaches out to other people through dancing and everything evolving around that. She found herself through dancing, she grew and developed and found a balance and energy that is like love: the more you give away the more you will have...
there is Lampi, a waldorf teacher and artist (sculpturing mostly but also painting and music) who climbs apple trees to get us apples at age 75 and catches as many sunrises as possible, who goes to Russia to build playgrounds in ghetto areas, who stops in awe in front of a beautiful object to draw it and admire it with love. His teachings, his words, his love, his attention have affected so many children and people I know, his youthfulness encourages everybody who sees him because it doesn't make you jealous but happy to see that. He is in balance and radiates and it seems like he knows the secret of life and he found it through his way.
there is my parents who have found their window to life through their relationship and philosophical, religious, literal studies, who have found the balance and wisdom through their work with children and teenagers, who have created an oasis with their kindergarden, who are perfect examples for me how to strive towards being a human
there is Elena, my Russian teacher, who found and came to many realizations about life and us and this world through her linguistic studies. Just another window!!! And she too, is in love with this world. with this marvellous beautiful world that bears so many secrets and mysteries. the ugly she can understand through linguistics too, and she is not afraid because she sees.
there is Mr. Elsen, a teacher of my highschool, who found his window through his art, too, his profession, his passion, and his attention, one handshake at the morning made me feel like i was seen and appreciated and i had a reason to be at this school. ONE handshake and one look into my eyes. ONE!
(...)
and there is now:
Pat Martino, a musician who lost his memory at some point in his life and relearned playing the guitar from the scratch. He held a clinic today at my school and boy, he changed my life here!!! Sometimes I wonder what place this episode here really has in my life. What it means, what I can learn from it and sometimes I feel very lost.
But he changed my perspective entirely. His way of looking at music and guitar, living it, seeing it everywhere, is HIS window to life and you can feel it, how he stands there, how he is balanced and grounded and so loving. IT IS AMAZING. I am so in awe. WOW. WOW. WOW. I don't know, I am sooo glad I was there. The beauty in the structure of music, the beauty of the guitar, this beauty is the same beauty as the beauty of mathematics, of biology, of painting, writing, of stress, of bad luck, good luck, life, this world, this society despite all its odds and sicknesses, it is the beauty of this universe of LIFE itself.
lets be
in life and love
future
Listen to a Funk Song ‘Sing A Simple Song’.
Suddenly the word ‘Zimbabwe’ falls and the world widens up like gas that escapes a balloon and spreads out into the atmosphere within seconds. Wooosh. There. A warm feeling of the unknown fulfills me, every single veine.
I would like to take you on a journey, I would like to show you my world. But I fear I have to go alone, I fear I have to let you go and leave us back with a broken heart. It’s just that I feel there is so much more out there that is waiting for me. Not here, not here, that’s for sure, don’t you worry baby. Zimbabwe. A soft Berlin night in which I dreamt of him and felt like a desert that needs rain. You are like a garden to me, you are my water and my rain and my all and one in this eternity of this now. But I feel like a bird that needs to leave in wintertime, I feel already how future will call me on her wings some day and take me on a long journey far away. And I am not sure whether you will fit onto her back with me. I don’t know and I don’t want to know whether or not you gonna hold my hand when I stand in awe in the middle of Zimbabwian desert.
Ah, life, what are you doing to me???
Suddenly the word ‘Zimbabwe’ falls and the world widens up like gas that escapes a balloon and spreads out into the atmosphere within seconds. Wooosh. There. A warm feeling of the unknown fulfills me, every single veine.
I would like to take you on a journey, I would like to show you my world. But I fear I have to go alone, I fear I have to let you go and leave us back with a broken heart. It’s just that I feel there is so much more out there that is waiting for me. Not here, not here, that’s for sure, don’t you worry baby. Zimbabwe. A soft Berlin night in which I dreamt of him and felt like a desert that needs rain. You are like a garden to me, you are my water and my rain and my all and one in this eternity of this now. But I feel like a bird that needs to leave in wintertime, I feel already how future will call me on her wings some day and take me on a long journey far away. And I am not sure whether you will fit onto her back with me. I don’t know and I don’t want to know whether or not you gonna hold my hand when I stand in awe in the middle of Zimbabwian desert.
Ah, life, what are you doing to me???
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
dancing wild
She and I were of course tipsy by then. All those nice gay guys who let us sip on their drinks. Then this after hour club. Only people who really want to party go there, its that expensive and it is that unusual for LA. The lawyer didn't pay for us, unexpectedly but who are we to be stopped by that!
After an hour jumping around, shaking that ass I get more sober and see how all these gay guys take their shirts off.....
and within minutes me and her take our shirts off too and dance wildly in the croud.
it was THAT MUCH FUN. my 'wife' is the best.... just, the best.....what would i do without her? she is my berlin substitute...she is my only friend i can count on here.
After an hour jumping around, shaking that ass I get more sober and see how all these gay guys take their shirts off.....
and within minutes me and her take our shirts off too and dance wildly in the croud.
it was THAT MUCH FUN. my 'wife' is the best.... just, the best.....what would i do without her? she is my berlin substitute...she is my only friend i can count on here.
Monday, January 16, 2006
the italians response
hey Piranha
I'm writing to tell you to take it easy. This writer's blockof yours is no big deal. ook, I don't mean to pass to history as the one person who could never make a point without bringing sex into the picture, but really, a writer's block is much like impotence, and impotence is all in your mind, it's all about the unbearable preassure of performance, of what she's going to think about it. So, when my dick doesn't get up theres two things I usually try: either I find an excuse for it, and pretend that's it's all because I just caught a cold and that just traumatized my dick, or I start joking about it, you know you kid about it, show your Problem that you don't think it's a Problem at all, but just a small itch in the ass, show it that you don't give a fuck about it, and it will leave you alone, it will walk away. But you need to pretend wel, or it will discover your game. But seriously, inspiration is not something that comes and goes, only your peace of mind does. And remember that there's somuch to a song beyond inspiration, there's so much you can but in a song beyond broken hearts.
Anyway, wish you good. I'm in Naples now, that the capital of the fascinating realm of Southern Italy. I'm studying philosophy, enjoying it, and this week I start with my first exam.
Send me a cd when you become famous. Oh, and I always wanted to tell you, you live in Hollywood right, there's an Amoeba Music Store there. There was one in San Fran and in was like my second home, i was always there, it was amazing. Check it out.
Bye.
The Italian
I'm writing to tell you to take it easy. This writer's blockof yours is no big deal. ook, I don't mean to pass to history as the one person who could never make a point without bringing sex into the picture, but really, a writer's block is much like impotence, and impotence is all in your mind, it's all about the unbearable preassure of performance, of what she's going to think about it. So, when my dick doesn't get up theres two things I usually try: either I find an excuse for it, and pretend that's it's all because I just caught a cold and that just traumatized my dick, or I start joking about it, you know you kid about it, show your Problem that you don't think it's a Problem at all, but just a small itch in the ass, show it that you don't give a fuck about it, and it will leave you alone, it will walk away. But you need to pretend wel, or it will discover your game. But seriously, inspiration is not something that comes and goes, only your peace of mind does. And remember that there's somuch to a song beyond inspiration, there's so much you can but in a song beyond broken hearts.
Anyway, wish you good. I'm in Naples now, that the capital of the fascinating realm of Southern Italy. I'm studying philosophy, enjoying it, and this week I start with my first exam.
Send me a cd when you become famous. Oh, and I always wanted to tell you, you live in Hollywood right, there's an Amoeba Music Store there. There was one in San Fran and in was like my second home, i was always there, it was amazing. Check it out.
Bye.
The Italian
Mikel and Jason
Life never ceases to amaze me.
Today once again I was on my own, my love is somewhere at Lake fucking Elsinor and yeah. I miss him so much every freakin moment. But thats besides the point right now. Because the amazing things always happen when I am all alone. For example, when I took the bus down to Venice beach I saw this mexican family and the daughter was like 11 and so pure and innocent looking, so pretty, so nice and friendly....And guess what, on my way home I met them again, - I thought that was funny.
Then I go to this pizza place because yesterday night (yet another wild story!) after coming home from dancing around 5 AM I was CRAVING pizza and delayed eating it until tonight.
So I walk into this pizza place and there are those two boys sitting. One is reading newspapers one is writing something in a moleskin note book. I stop and say, oh I have the same, moleskine, isn't it and before I really realize it I sit at their table and we are talking like we were old friends. I think I apologized my remark by saying, that I hardly ever see anybody write something here in LA except for homeless people, which is very funny as you soon will realize.
Mikel is totally pleased and in awe because usually it s him who is like that and he enjoys leaning back and watch things unfold. So we talk, what do you do in freakin LA etc. and after having established a certain level of trust (they invited me to some more pizza) it turns out Jason is a college drop out and sleeping out there somewhere (so he IS homeless although he doesn't look like it) and Mikel just says his life is totally boring but they are friends since 14 years and out there together. Last night in this heavy rain his sleeping back got totally drained and to make a long story short he is sleeping in my sleepingbag now at a safe place.
This encounter was magical, because it was so matching. so coincidental and so not. he said i was god sent, but well, i just guess the three of us spoke the same language, if you know what i mean. I help if I can, just like with the story of the old jew and chabba, the hungarian dreamer. And I am helped along my way all the time too. So this is how magic and love and life work for me...
Today once again I was on my own, my love is somewhere at Lake fucking Elsinor and yeah. I miss him so much every freakin moment. But thats besides the point right now. Because the amazing things always happen when I am all alone. For example, when I took the bus down to Venice beach I saw this mexican family and the daughter was like 11 and so pure and innocent looking, so pretty, so nice and friendly....And guess what, on my way home I met them again, - I thought that was funny.
Then I go to this pizza place because yesterday night (yet another wild story!) after coming home from dancing around 5 AM I was CRAVING pizza and delayed eating it until tonight.
So I walk into this pizza place and there are those two boys sitting. One is reading newspapers one is writing something in a moleskin note book. I stop and say, oh I have the same, moleskine, isn't it and before I really realize it I sit at their table and we are talking like we were old friends. I think I apologized my remark by saying, that I hardly ever see anybody write something here in LA except for homeless people, which is very funny as you soon will realize.
Mikel is totally pleased and in awe because usually it s him who is like that and he enjoys leaning back and watch things unfold. So we talk, what do you do in freakin LA etc. and after having established a certain level of trust (they invited me to some more pizza) it turns out Jason is a college drop out and sleeping out there somewhere (so he IS homeless although he doesn't look like it) and Mikel just says his life is totally boring but they are friends since 14 years and out there together. Last night in this heavy rain his sleeping back got totally drained and to make a long story short he is sleeping in my sleepingbag now at a safe place.
This encounter was magical, because it was so matching. so coincidental and so not. he said i was god sent, but well, i just guess the three of us spoke the same language, if you know what i mean. I help if I can, just like with the story of the old jew and chabba, the hungarian dreamer. And I am helped along my way all the time too. So this is how magic and love and life work for me...
Saturday, January 14, 2006
cuando los angeles lloren
Mana...Immediately brings colourful, emotional memories on the surface of my mind. Berlin. Early spring. Getting over my ex and him having a new girlfriend and him wanting me back and me meeting Kim and realizing that I am just not ready for the exploration of a relationship universe.
Memories of me feeling that I really want to get involved in humanitarian issues on this planet.
Me yearning for love. For particular and all embracing love.
My dad called today and said there was this guy, with brown hair, coming out of a house close to the 'Wiese' the river in my hometown in South-Germany. He realized that it was you Pedro, and he gave you five euros in honor of me, Piranha. And he said that you seemed to be very happy about that.
Yes, I still love you and I always will.
Always.
Will
Love is inexplicable and indefinite. I love you with all my heart, my dearest soul brother. I hope you find back on your way and encourage you to walk with all your pride. Those who have suffered the depths of the human BEING experience are no less worth, maybe even more, never forget that. Diamonds are the result of incredible heavy masses pressing coal together until it becomes diamong. That is life and my life has not been like that but it is my life and it is different from any of yours and we can never compare it but only tell us stories and enjoy the communicating hearts when we are sitting around the fire where the warriors gather to regather strength for the fight.
Memories of me feeling that I really want to get involved in humanitarian issues on this planet.
Me yearning for love. For particular and all embracing love.
My dad called today and said there was this guy, with brown hair, coming out of a house close to the 'Wiese' the river in my hometown in South-Germany. He realized that it was you Pedro, and he gave you five euros in honor of me, Piranha. And he said that you seemed to be very happy about that.
Yes, I still love you and I always will.
Always.
Will
Love is inexplicable and indefinite. I love you with all my heart, my dearest soul brother. I hope you find back on your way and encourage you to walk with all your pride. Those who have suffered the depths of the human BEING experience are no less worth, maybe even more, never forget that. Diamonds are the result of incredible heavy masses pressing coal together until it becomes diamong. That is life and my life has not been like that but it is my life and it is different from any of yours and we can never compare it but only tell us stories and enjoy the communicating hearts when we are sitting around the fire where the warriors gather to regather strength for the fight.
Friday, January 13, 2006
responses
every body
like, EVERY body i ever secretely believed of having a connection with (except for you Mira and Maria but god, I know you are there despite that) responded to my 'hilferuf', my call for help (see prev. post)
I want to post some answers here, to ahm. yeah, celebrate that. Thank you obi, hannoverfirst for your responses too. I ll keep you posted how everything goes on, my lyrics eventually and one day I guess even songs. When I learned how to strip.
Here we go:
sad Piranha
i am in fuckin gray, cloudy berlin, having 15 days left to turn in my diplomarbeit --- you are near the beach in california ...
WHO SHOULD BE SAD?!?!?!? ;-)
smile for me and be 'happy piranha' again, like i got to know you..."
Oh Piranha!!
what's this! perhaps it is something in the air, perhaps are the stars and planets influencing us badly, making jokes about us...I don't know, but the sadness is a fact! it's here, it's present and not only in your heart, but in many others at the moment...yes, I think it is something universal and at the same time something very individual...every person has such moments of sadness, everybody is sometimes without a smile, without energy, without "Lust"...but why? Why do we have to go througt it? You know the answer, I don't need to tell it to you...it is a help, only with this bad moments we can evolute (?), we can ameliour ourselves...and only with this bad moments you can enjoy the happyness!!
So, I know really you can do it!!
kiss V."
"My poor Piranha..;although you feel sad of no inspiration,I feel so happy
to hear from you.(...)
Well,concerning your songs,you could speak about this feeling of the artists
when they feel so unusefull sometimes.It is always better to speak about
what you allready have felt.
I am working presently of a project of illustration with my boyfriend;and it
is soon finisched.I hope we could sell it ...
I already have to go.I would like so much to know what s happened to you in
the USA.
I don't forget you my Piranha........... your Amande" (a very cool artist who i got to know in Paris, which is a whole different story worth to be told one day)
"Oh, Piranha, my dear friend, how much I miss you, right now, in this moment, YOU... your face, your movements, how you laugh, your voice, there is much more you have, more, more .
yeah, I have to tell you big news: I am sitting in the Fu (University) in BERLIN. Usually though I hang out a lot in my beloved Udk, make a lot of music (she plays violin like a goddess) and yeah, am in Berlin, and Berlin - it's for me 'the place to be', as you formulated it once...
Yeah, and life is crazy, and writing that I know that YOU understand that and know what I mean by that....
And amongst all those crazy and beautiful things I experience here in Berlin there is something...which...Piranha, I even don't know how I should tell you that...Max has quit our relationship recently.....I have been neither sad nor happy those last days, I don't know anything anymore.
I just wait for some sign somehow...
And as I was just reading your mail, there were so many, incredibly many emotions popping up and I was so close to crying. Maybe I would like to be with you right now, whereever you are, in this wide world or maybe I was just sosososososos glad and happy to hear from you...
Oh, Piranha, it s not easy to express all that in a mail. but is better than nothing i guess. - try to be happy, I am too, really, right now in this moment I am actually happy!!!!
Maybe you have now something for a song?
I think of you and i am full of happiness doing so
kiss, your Ili"
"Maybe i just frop you some lines in Englisch. Please belenient towards me I still feel ashamed to write in Englisch but I take it as a practise and it just inspired me that you wrote in English.
Well, I wanted to tell you anyway how supprised I was obout your call on Christmas!! Thanks so much, Piranha, I was so happy about that, that my heart just opend at that very moment I realized you were on the line!!! :-)
I don't know if I can help you out of your predicament (why are you in that while beeing in love?!?!) but I'll write you some thoughts I have dealt with lately.
Since Ralph and I are together again I often think about all that. You know I did so many detours and loop ways, lived with other men, mad my experiences, of which I am so glad to have had each an every single one of them, and are now back to where I started from! Am I back to Where I started from or is it just irrelevant where we get to because all what counts in the way? Is not every journey like a pearl and an enrichment in our life? Every human being I met on my way changed me a little every stone I picked up from the road and shared my time with is now dear to me and every experinence I made still counts much in my life. I wouldn't talk to Ralph after all that like I do it now, I wouldn't treat him the way I do it now even our sex was diffrent before we split up two years ago. I am somehow much more relaxed, have more confidence in the relationship and in myself. Isn't it just normal that you need to go your own way to find yourself before you can really be with another person? And isn't it somehow signifficant for everything what happens to us in our lifes? I don't know if every thing will work out in the way we wish but I am so glad to be with Ralph again now! Somehow he urged me a little to take my decision about us. I understood that the situation was not easy for him. Maybe I still would have needed some more time but I also felt resposible for a person I love and didn't want to be unfair. There was just something about him I never could forget...! :-)
so i hope you ll escape that 'artist-dilemma" and hug you tight, your Lisa"
"Hey dear Piranha
I read your email and I felt like I could hear you talking next to me. I am sorry I havent replied to you before on msn. Sometimes I wasnt anywhere near my computer and saw your messages later and sometimes I just could not....
well, the reason was because lately i dont want to share what is going on in my fucking life with anybody...especially somebody who knows the whole story from the beginning.
i dont where you are and whether your inspiration is already there with you or not but could you please sing a song for me? just like the good old days in the common room of our house? I have a long story to tell....i will write you some other time...right now there is not a single thing i can hold on to in mylife...i have no fucking idea of what i want and where i will be in the future...i am at hendriks place and i have to go now...but just wanted to tell you my friend that I love you so much and i miss your warm spirit in this cold berlin!
i am sorry again...i will try to keep more in touch!, Z."
"its cold and grey here. the sky hangs low stoping any extra light from breaking threw to chear these short days. althoe the days are getting noticibly longer and with a brighter whiter light than befoe winter solstice. inspirational slumps always seem to catch me off guard. like all of the suden i try to express what i know is there, but this time i cant seem to find it. terribly frustrating. for me my inspiration comes partly from how i feel at the moment, but more so from my suroundings. i have never spent any time in LA. big citys piss me off not because of the city itself, i think the idea of a everything that makes a city run is absolutly fasinating. but those who live in a city is what i really find disturbing. i am a creature of the earth raised with soil under my bare feet. touching the things that grow. loving the things that live longer and shorter than me. people that spend to much time standing on concreate seem to lose track of the things that make them human. like humbleness is exchanged for iritation. and compasion is exchanged for an ego. those people have almost forgotten who we are, distracted by advertisments and consumerism. i seem to live on the border of two worlds this planet being one of them and the human world being the other. i am frightened that some day soon the earth will wake up and say, hey we are all in this togeather, pay attention to what maters most. i find as i hit these keys i am listening to my own words as they come. i am no prime example of a child of earth. but i do look twords it for advice and guidance when im without inspiration or feeling sad about things that matter little or not at all to the ages of earth. i hope you found your missing song. lots of love ~eivin~(my twin cousin. we were born in the same half an hour, on two different sides of the planet...)
"i was just remniscing how you played that song for me in the backyard in Basel, about this beautiful moment after hour Math exam and how the sun shone in and the wine...and love.....it was sooooo beautiful! your song!!!
try, to always find back to YOURSELF, piranha....i realize again and again, and especially right now, how important and difficult that is....!!!! to let oneself be distracted from the essential and just live on, vegetate, exist....in life is so fucking convenient..... and unfortunately many people are doing exactly this.....isn't that depressing somehow?
lots of love, hope you find back into a creative phase, miss you tons, E."
"Piranha, my love,
what is it that oppresses your creative flow? maybe you have to accept that now, as cheesy as this might sound. I am afraid that there is no other possibility than to 'love what IS'....
You will see, in the last second the trust will be rewarded, the trust you have in life. That's anyways it: TRUSTING. nothing else is more comforting, calming, than the belief in everything is gonna be allright. FIND YOUR CHILD AND TAKE IT IN YOUR ARMS< EMBRACE IT.
Ah, yeah, INSPIRATION for ME was YOUR little book from which you read your short stories to me, my sunflower Piranha...do you remember how we were sitting on my bed? that really touched me....maybe you have it with you? because in there you already have your No. 1 lyrics!!!!hihi...
Well, you have to go through this now, and most certainly those downs (the soul downs and also the crea-downs) are good for something....I AM SURE about that!!!! because otherwise you can't move on. right????
Dearest Piranha, if i may give you a tip...cat stevens wrote very simple and moving lyrics....i send you a song by him....love is all u need.
your cosmasista A"
"Hey Piranha, my fish
Arent there also songs without big important messages?
Just listen to the songs YOU like:
What do they tell You?
About motherfuckers or schoolteachers(hey, leave them kids alone) or
isnt it just the MUSIC that captures the unspeakable in its broad wings?
Love you much,#
Your sis always
A."
and Lothar wrote me a long mail in German, analysing creative downs and writers block and suggestions how to deal with it. sweet.
I was too tired to translate more german mails i got. but they are all encouraing and full of love. even my chinese friend wrote me, via messenger, and my sis J called me immediately and C from Berlin too....thank you so much....
THE CONCLUSION is: okay, it is OKAY to be afraid to strip and show what my songs are like. If i have such a hard time to get over that, why don't I just go ahead and as a beginning write songs FOR MY FRIENDS, and title them with their respective names? because, the trick here would be: if somebody doesn't like it i'll be just like: yeah, it s not for YOU fucker, it s for Elissa!!!!! hahahahahaha.........and my friends or strangers have always been THE inspiration for my songs, more than my own life. (although i could sing a lot about that too, but man, it s just not as easy for me....letting go, showing my innermost feelings....awwwww)
so ...yeah....we will see....love love love to all of you. one big love
like, EVERY body i ever secretely believed of having a connection with (except for you Mira and Maria but god, I know you are there despite that) responded to my 'hilferuf', my call for help (see prev. post)
I want to post some answers here, to ahm. yeah, celebrate that. Thank you obi, hannoverfirst for your responses too. I ll keep you posted how everything goes on, my lyrics eventually and one day I guess even songs. When I learned how to strip.
Here we go:
sad Piranha
i am in fuckin gray, cloudy berlin, having 15 days left to turn in my diplomarbeit --- you are near the beach in california ...
WHO SHOULD BE SAD?!?!?!? ;-)
smile for me and be 'happy piranha' again, like i got to know you..."
Oh Piranha!!
what's this! perhaps it is something in the air, perhaps are the stars and planets influencing us badly, making jokes about us...I don't know, but the sadness is a fact! it's here, it's present and not only in your heart, but in many others at the moment...yes, I think it is something universal and at the same time something very individual...every person has such moments of sadness, everybody is sometimes without a smile, without energy, without "Lust"...but why? Why do we have to go througt it? You know the answer, I don't need to tell it to you...it is a help, only with this bad moments we can evolute (?), we can ameliour ourselves...and only with this bad moments you can enjoy the happyness!!
So, I know really you can do it!!
kiss V."
"My poor Piranha..;although you feel sad of no inspiration,I feel so happy
to hear from you.(...)
Well,concerning your songs,you could speak about this feeling of the artists
when they feel so unusefull sometimes.It is always better to speak about
what you allready have felt.
I am working presently of a project of illustration with my boyfriend;and it
is soon finisched.I hope we could sell it ...
I already have to go.I would like so much to know what s happened to you in
the USA.
I don't forget you my Piranha........... your Amande" (a very cool artist who i got to know in Paris, which is a whole different story worth to be told one day)
"Oh, Piranha, my dear friend, how much I miss you, right now, in this moment, YOU... your face, your movements, how you laugh, your voice, there is much more you have, more, more .
yeah, I have to tell you big news: I am sitting in the Fu (University) in BERLIN. Usually though I hang out a lot in my beloved Udk, make a lot of music (she plays violin like a goddess) and yeah, am in Berlin, and Berlin - it's for me 'the place to be', as you formulated it once...
Yeah, and life is crazy, and writing that I know that YOU understand that and know what I mean by that....
And amongst all those crazy and beautiful things I experience here in Berlin there is something...which...Piranha, I even don't know how I should tell you that...Max has quit our relationship recently.....I have been neither sad nor happy those last days, I don't know anything anymore.
I just wait for some sign somehow...
And as I was just reading your mail, there were so many, incredibly many emotions popping up and I was so close to crying. Maybe I would like to be with you right now, whereever you are, in this wide world or maybe I was just sosososososos glad and happy to hear from you...
Oh, Piranha, it s not easy to express all that in a mail. but is better than nothing i guess. - try to be happy, I am too, really, right now in this moment I am actually happy!!!!
Maybe you have now something for a song?
I think of you and i am full of happiness doing so
kiss, your Ili"
"Maybe i just frop you some lines in Englisch. Please belenient towards me I still feel ashamed to write in Englisch but I take it as a practise and it just inspired me that you wrote in English.
Well, I wanted to tell you anyway how supprised I was obout your call on Christmas!! Thanks so much, Piranha, I was so happy about that, that my heart just opend at that very moment I realized you were on the line!!! :-)
I don't know if I can help you out of your predicament (why are you in that while beeing in love?!?!) but I'll write you some thoughts I have dealt with lately.
Since Ralph and I are together again I often think about all that. You know I did so many detours and loop ways, lived with other men, mad my experiences, of which I am so glad to have had each an every single one of them, and are now back to where I started from! Am I back to Where I started from or is it just irrelevant where we get to because all what counts in the way? Is not every journey like a pearl and an enrichment in our life? Every human being I met on my way changed me a little every stone I picked up from the road and shared my time with is now dear to me and every experinence I made still counts much in my life. I wouldn't talk to Ralph after all that like I do it now, I wouldn't treat him the way I do it now even our sex was diffrent before we split up two years ago. I am somehow much more relaxed, have more confidence in the relationship and in myself. Isn't it just normal that you need to go your own way to find yourself before you can really be with another person? And isn't it somehow signifficant for everything what happens to us in our lifes? I don't know if every thing will work out in the way we wish but I am so glad to be with Ralph again now! Somehow he urged me a little to take my decision about us. I understood that the situation was not easy for him. Maybe I still would have needed some more time but I also felt resposible for a person I love and didn't want to be unfair. There was just something about him I never could forget...! :-)
so i hope you ll escape that 'artist-dilemma" and hug you tight, your Lisa"
"Hey dear Piranha
I read your email and I felt like I could hear you talking next to me. I am sorry I havent replied to you before on msn. Sometimes I wasnt anywhere near my computer and saw your messages later and sometimes I just could not....
well, the reason was because lately i dont want to share what is going on in my fucking life with anybody...especially somebody who knows the whole story from the beginning.
i dont where you are and whether your inspiration is already there with you or not but could you please sing a song for me? just like the good old days in the common room of our house? I have a long story to tell....i will write you some other time...right now there is not a single thing i can hold on to in mylife...i have no fucking idea of what i want and where i will be in the future...i am at hendriks place and i have to go now...but just wanted to tell you my friend that I love you so much and i miss your warm spirit in this cold berlin!
i am sorry again...i will try to keep more in touch!, Z."
"its cold and grey here. the sky hangs low stoping any extra light from breaking threw to chear these short days. althoe the days are getting noticibly longer and with a brighter whiter light than befoe winter solstice. inspirational slumps always seem to catch me off guard. like all of the suden i try to express what i know is there, but this time i cant seem to find it. terribly frustrating. for me my inspiration comes partly from how i feel at the moment, but more so from my suroundings. i have never spent any time in LA. big citys piss me off not because of the city itself, i think the idea of a everything that makes a city run is absolutly fasinating. but those who live in a city is what i really find disturbing. i am a creature of the earth raised with soil under my bare feet. touching the things that grow. loving the things that live longer and shorter than me. people that spend to much time standing on concreate seem to lose track of the things that make them human. like humbleness is exchanged for iritation. and compasion is exchanged for an ego. those people have almost forgotten who we are, distracted by advertisments and consumerism. i seem to live on the border of two worlds this planet being one of them and the human world being the other. i am frightened that some day soon the earth will wake up and say, hey we are all in this togeather, pay attention to what maters most. i find as i hit these keys i am listening to my own words as they come. i am no prime example of a child of earth. but i do look twords it for advice and guidance when im without inspiration or feeling sad about things that matter little or not at all to the ages of earth. i hope you found your missing song. lots of love ~eivin~(my twin cousin. we were born in the same half an hour, on two different sides of the planet...)
"i was just remniscing how you played that song for me in the backyard in Basel, about this beautiful moment after hour Math exam and how the sun shone in and the wine...and love.....it was sooooo beautiful! your song!!!
try, to always find back to YOURSELF, piranha....i realize again and again, and especially right now, how important and difficult that is....!!!! to let oneself be distracted from the essential and just live on, vegetate, exist....in life is so fucking convenient..... and unfortunately many people are doing exactly this.....isn't that depressing somehow?
lots of love, hope you find back into a creative phase, miss you tons, E."
"Piranha, my love,
what is it that oppresses your creative flow? maybe you have to accept that now, as cheesy as this might sound. I am afraid that there is no other possibility than to 'love what IS'....
You will see, in the last second the trust will be rewarded, the trust you have in life. That's anyways it: TRUSTING. nothing else is more comforting, calming, than the belief in everything is gonna be allright. FIND YOUR CHILD AND TAKE IT IN YOUR ARMS< EMBRACE IT.
Ah, yeah, INSPIRATION for ME was YOUR little book from which you read your short stories to me, my sunflower Piranha...do you remember how we were sitting on my bed? that really touched me....maybe you have it with you? because in there you already have your No. 1 lyrics!!!!hihi...
Well, you have to go through this now, and most certainly those downs (the soul downs and also the crea-downs) are good for something....I AM SURE about that!!!! because otherwise you can't move on. right????
Dearest Piranha, if i may give you a tip...cat stevens wrote very simple and moving lyrics....i send you a song by him....love is all u need.
your cosmasista A"
"Hey Piranha, my fish
Arent there also songs without big important messages?
Just listen to the songs YOU like:
What do they tell You?
About motherfuckers or schoolteachers(hey, leave them kids alone) or
isnt it just the MUSIC that captures the unspeakable in its broad wings?
Love you much,#
Your sis always
A."
and Lothar wrote me a long mail in German, analysing creative downs and writers block and suggestions how to deal with it. sweet.
I was too tired to translate more german mails i got. but they are all encouraing and full of love. even my chinese friend wrote me, via messenger, and my sis J called me immediately and C from Berlin too....thank you so much....
THE CONCLUSION is: okay, it is OKAY to be afraid to strip and show what my songs are like. If i have such a hard time to get over that, why don't I just go ahead and as a beginning write songs FOR MY FRIENDS, and title them with their respective names? because, the trick here would be: if somebody doesn't like it i'll be just like: yeah, it s not for YOU fucker, it s for Elissa!!!!! hahahahahaha.........and my friends or strangers have always been THE inspiration for my songs, more than my own life. (although i could sing a lot about that too, but man, it s just not as easy for me....letting go, showing my innermost feelings....awwwww)
so ...yeah....we will see....love love love to all of you. one big love
Sunday, January 08, 2006
with a little help of my friends
so thats a mail i sent to the usual suspects yesterday...my friends that receive my crazy massmails....and god, the responses were overwhelming. i felt like 'wow, i would have never thought but those people i always really counted as friends, those who i always thought i have a soulconnection with and some very surprising ones too, wrote back. it s great. thank you thank you thank you all....so now i put this mail out there too so whoever comes across it can read it and maybe relate to it and maybe help me too.....i will return the favor if i can ;-) and if i can't god will....or the cosmic energy..you know what i mean...
okay ya all
i am in a freakin predicament
i need to get some songs done (ME! DONE! an oxymoron....waaah) until february.
i am sitting in this fucking practice lab, at the beach, anywhere, i can t come up with any songs anymore.
i am lacking inspiration BIG TIME.
i don't know why i am writing that to you guys
maybe somebody amongst you can help me with a line
tell me i can do it or something cheesy like that. it is so frustrating you can't believe it. it s like i can't write songs anymore. it s like all the songs i ve ever played for any of you guys (whoever had the 'pleasure') never existed. it s like, i have nothing to tell, nothing to express, nothing to put out there.
i don't believe in myself.
i don't believe in my music
i don't see any point
it s pretty grey and depressing right now. fuck. maybe i need somebody to break my heart to be creative again, i don't know. just tell me anything. how was your day? boring? tell me stories from your life. whats on your mind. your worries. your problems, your good and bad moments. please. just for me. just a few lines. i need to get sth else in my head, sth to sing. maybe i can sing a song for you although you are far away. it would help maybe.
whoever can. please
help
seriously...
sad piranha
okay ya all
i am in a freakin predicament
i need to get some songs done (ME! DONE! an oxymoron....waaah) until february.
i am sitting in this fucking practice lab, at the beach, anywhere, i can t come up with any songs anymore.
i am lacking inspiration BIG TIME.
i don't know why i am writing that to you guys
maybe somebody amongst you can help me with a line
tell me i can do it or something cheesy like that. it is so frustrating you can't believe it. it s like i can't write songs anymore. it s like all the songs i ve ever played for any of you guys (whoever had the 'pleasure') never existed. it s like, i have nothing to tell, nothing to express, nothing to put out there.
i don't believe in myself.
i don't believe in my music
i don't see any point
it s pretty grey and depressing right now. fuck. maybe i need somebody to break my heart to be creative again, i don't know. just tell me anything. how was your day? boring? tell me stories from your life. whats on your mind. your worries. your problems, your good and bad moments. please. just for me. just a few lines. i need to get sth else in my head, sth to sing. maybe i can sing a song for you although you are far away. it would help maybe.
whoever can. please
help
seriously...
sad piranha
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