Lets go to a Motel. We bought candles and condoms, orange juice and snickers, he said he feels like fuck I would like to get high and I also would like to kill somebody.
Softness pours out of every inch of my heart. There is darkness in each of us we all have to deal with it. Somehow.
I took his hand and smiled.
Later after we had had a beautiful erotic and romantic bath together, he pressed against the wall a little later, we lost in the rhythms of eternal attraction, love making, sweet sweet love. touch me. feel me. make me feel special. make me feel real. He turns to the G4, looking for music, skipping songs just like I hate it, getting lost in memories - mostly sad ones he says - and my aching body, soul abandoned on the sheets, so clean, so soft, so wonderful.
just hang out with me, he begs, just don't be sad. I say be with me, I feel like you ignore me. I think why don't you take me in your arms? I am sad but you could make me feel better....
Where in the delicate balance lingering there in the air was my part? Should I have seduced my lover? The dream and desire to be desired, to be overwhelmed, to be treated like I feel I deserve it overshadows any motivation. I rest, turn around. My eyes fill up with tears, the candles burn down slowly, slowly.
Two stubborn people clashing in silence.
He falls asleep. The candles light the scenery in warm warm colours. I see myself in the big mirror on the wall. I am shortsighted, I only see like through pastell. A beautiful girl, a beautiful body with long hair, sad eyes. A beautiful boy lying next to her knees, curly hair mingled with the blanket, long eye lashes throwing long shadows on his face. My beautiful gypsy...
I sit there and stare and stare, lost, somehow lost, until tears roll down my cheeks, quietly, secretely. I can't be again the one to make it up, to act as if it was allright and reach out to him. I am so tired of that. So tired.
Mama!!!
A little sob lifts my chest. I glide down off the bed, slip into my jeans and training jacket, without underwear, barefeet, look for the roomkey, my money, his phone because mine is dead, and go to buy an international calling card. 10 $. While waiting I read his text messages, the ones I sent him, the ones he sent me, the ones of...
of...
*sighs heavily*
fuck. who is that chick??? 'i want to be with you for ever man!' 'hey sweetie' 'what how can you sleep while i am stressing?'
nothing really to bother, too ambigious, too vague. But it stabs me right there where they say the heart is.
*breathes heavily*
fuck. I start to cry and sob. Oh god. Oh god. Oh was my sister right in the end???
wait piranha, relax, it could be a misunderstanding. relax. wait until you know. oh fuck, oh fuck, how can i know????? fuck!!!!!!!
bare feet running over the parking ground. cigarettes.
he sometimes lies out of consideration for my feelings. for example he says this chick in the car that i hear in the background is his cousin jesse whereas it is lydia, the girl who hits on him. could i care less?
we always treat others the way we would like to be treated. thats why he lies in order not to upset or hurt me - thats why i always tell the truth no matter what. irony of human psychology.
In my mind I run through my address book. Who could I talk to? wake my wife up? tiffany? no. Europe. My mother is at home, fortunately. I talk calmly, pretend everything is okay. Then I cry and sob and laugh at the same time, just as the women do in my family...She says I deserve a relationship in which my lover understands my magical sides. But maybe you don't need that now, darling, maybe you have your friends now for that, if the person itself means so much to you, you can sacrifice that. BUt you are so young, darling,, darling, you are so young. There is so much more for you to see and discover.
I cry, no ground under my feet. Oh Mother. Oh mama. I can't help it, I know it is stupid, it is DUMB, but I think of the end, although I am still at the beginning!!! I can't help it. It makes me sick and so sad. I know that it can't work out somehow. It is so difficult. I want to work through the difficult stuff....but it is like fucking Romeo and Juliet, we are from two entirely different worlds. He has seen the evil sides more than enough. He has been there. tasted it, lived it, suffered from it. people he loved have been taken away from him by it.
I have always been in this fairy tale world. But i have seen the other side. I loved a boy who was right there over five years. I haven't been there myself but i am aware of it. I understand that he has to worry about me considering where he is coming from. but i know that i am not afraid and there is no need to.
I think. Oh man, but I really deserve to be treated differently. The problem with the gypsy is that he would never do something on demand but only by himself. So I have to learn how to trigger that want.
I smoke. He doesn't like it. One more reason.
A young lady and her dog. Punky. Cigarettes. A voice from Berlin. My best friend Kaspar. Relief. I am calm now, a voice from Berlin, from where my dreams come from. His words so reassuring. So alleviating. 50 minutes recharging my batteries. His plans to hitchhike down to marocco, egypt, near east, then east europe next summer.....ahhh.....Good bye Piranha, I cuddle you through the line! go and say hello from me to Dany and tell him not to worry so much about you...
he wouldn't understand. He can't understand that a girl and her best male friend can sleep in the same bed and it is okay. He can't. He will always worry.
Everything will be allright. We just have to go on. Somehow.
I go back and draw another picture in my sketchbook. Sitting next to my love. He opens his eyes for a split second. three candles already died. The music still playing. It is five or six o clock in the morning. He didn't realize I was gone. I curl up next to him, feel his body next to mine. And my eyes fill up with tears again. Snickers, tooth brush, soap to make the smoke smell go away. I don't want to bother him with my shit too much.
In the car on the way to school I ask him 'so how many chicks have you aside me?' "that i love? - none. you'
'well, what about those you - don't love?'
'thats not important'
'aha. so if i had someone aside you who is not important really...'
'no!!!!' - 'girls can't do that. only boys can' he grins at me.
'man I am joking Piranha, by the way...'
by the way???
Wrapping this post up I just decided I won't ask him about fucking Tundi. Because, seriously, I don't really care. It'd be his problem how to coordinate things and all that. All I know is, I will be a whole entity by myself again. I will go on on my way and meet the people and things I have to meet. I will give him my love but something will change. I won't make my happiness dependend on him. Not one inch. Too bad. But thats how it goes. why the fuck did i have to fall in love with this darkness again.
I will dance on the thin line between the light and the dark
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