here goes the truth. i am not your girlfriend

dany asked me the other day whether i am his girlfriend. that was when i was thinking and contemplating aloud about fidelity because our favorite security guy at our school was being cheated on.
he looked at me with this special look and i understood immediately how he meant that. it means, when i am his girlfriend he wants to be sure i am not going to hurt him the same way.
knowing his history i can't do that anyways. i would rather tell him i have to be free yet again but never cheat on him. he s been hurt so badly when he ran into his big youthlove making love to a 40 year old guy. you understand.

well, to make a long story short, after having talked to him on the phone just now i wrote him a text message that said

'i am not your girlfriend, at least not yet and in my understanding of what a girlfriend means. i don't demand anything i am just answering your question for you. it s not on me to decide whether or not i am. it s on you'

let me explain how i came to this conclusion: we were talking about me being so much upset always because we don't get to be together as much as my wish and long for. now this has all sorts of seemingly inexplicable reasons and gosh is it frustrating that i don't understand. yeah. so we are talking and one of his get aways was he doesn't have enough gas. we had that already. i remind him of me freaking out on that already i don't need to repeat that. if he truly wishes so much to be with me all the time and i feel the same, why should money stay in the way? FUCK i can pay one round gas! it s not like i rape your pride or something like that.
well, he admits, thats a get away reason. there is sth else, he just can't come. he is desperate about it and bla.
yeah i know that sounds really strange but i believe him because lord knows what he is going through.
so i say, man, it s cool, you know i think all this frustration comes from me expecting having finally a lot of time to spend with you during the vacations and we hardly got to see each other... thats all...
and now here we go: he says, oh man, i spend fucking five days in HOSPITAL during the break because i almost died of alcohol poisoning.

* ___ *

i do not freak out. i am like 'wooo, why didn't you tell me anything about that?'
i didn't want to worry you
fine

i understand that a guy might not want to tell his girl. or that a guy might not want his girl to see him in hospital. thats all fine with me

BUT in my understanding of a relationship (which in the end would make me a girlfriend sort of) i am totally in favor of each one having their secrets but not of that nature. i fucking have the right to be worried and see him and hold him and encourage him and love him when he is DOWN.

what is that fucking fear about that your girl might see you DOWN? ha? men? what do you say???