same language

do you too have sometimes the feeling that nobody speaks your language? it s such an effort to always translate what people are saying, to try to bring your points across, your emotions, your thoughts, it is such a tidious process...
is there nobody out there speaking my language? you know that sort of relaxation and smile effect that a conversation with your very best old friend has on you...you know exactly that no matter what you say, it will be understood in the right way, it won't be misinterpreted, unclarities will be quickly resolved, sometimes just by means of mimics and it s not so much the words but the silence between them that make the language...

sometimes i feel so lost here. so lost. so lonely.
i feel like nobody here speaks my language really. even not my gypsy. especially he not. maybe thats the exciting part maybe thats the good part and allows us to grow a lot. but sometimes, honestly, i get very sad and tired of not being able to relax. i only can relax when i am physically with him, when i can feel his heart beating, when i feel his love and his eyes talk to me. like my best friend back in Germany he is the master of communication without words.

but the piranha you know is a piranha of words. my real name actually means translated 'the one who reigns with the word' and jesus, my parents must have had a good intution choosing this name for me...
so i feel lost and crave talking to my sister in switzerland because she speaks my language. my two other sisters don't. i crave talking to my dad, because he speaks my language. my mother doesn't. see, it s not about love or relationships, it s about something that i can't describe. it s just there. it doesn't matter in terms of how important someone is to you but it does matter whether or not it is in your life and it matters in terms of soul- and mind-sanity.

Then I stop and realize, wait, I know someone here, who speaks my language. his name is Keita and he wants to marry me. He would be the perfect match but last year's lesson with J. (my ex who matched every single point i ever made up to define my future husband) taught me that it is NOT about the perfect match but about how you a person makes you feel and how much potential of growth there is in the relationship. Now, Keita and I would have a lot of potential and he makes me feel fabulous but I fell in love with Dany and not with him. God, who can blame me, i couldn't help it.
But with me being in a relationship with the Gypsy our friendship dwindled down the drain, unfortunately. Our encounters lost their genuintiy and intensity, probably out of fear and for the sake of emotional protection from either side.

but today i called him and we talked and it was like medicine for my soul. he sees the world as i do, just instead of calling it 'magic' he calls it 'rhythm' and ... god. I am so grateful for him being in my life. It feels just so so good to have someone to talk to in a relaxed, trustful and selfexplaning way... even my 'wife' isn't a friend like that to me. the person i can relate my problems with the gypsy to is my niece by the way, because she is a woman and understands me in her own way...my wife always protects and defends the gypsy and tells me how stupid i am. great. thank you. i just need someone to download my frustrations to in order to clear my system and then i can be all happy and loving again.....

in berlin i had almost only friends who spoke my language. so thats LA for me. I appreciate every encounter and friendship even the more now.....

in love

piranha