it is repeatedly
not what is said
but the inbetween
that touches our hearts
and mends them together
in a dance
that says in silence
so much more
than anything i could ever say
.
But I remember Andi.
It is a story of words although I remember vividly how he lit his self made cigarette in the dim warm light of an old oriental lamp. His books and music collection matched my taste and the taste of his body was fresh and innocent and warm almost like it was a good thing. Yes, I don't remember much of what was said in those intimate hours that led to feelings of complete humiliation and regrets towering against an otherwise cleancut blue early summer sky.
I remember that he had a brother and he likes, ironically, outdoor adventures just as much as I did and while I was daydreaming of us making wild sweet love in wild sweet meadows or in the back of his amiable VW bus he told me about how he made at least seven women scream and cum and explode their brains and it wasn't until later that I understood that it was scarred hearts that remained. And only now I realize the red lights that should have been flashing when he boasted with something that was absent in our time.
Another night I let him come and cum again, he left within seconds afterwards mumbeling some dumb words not giving silence one chance to breath.
It was a nice light setting then too but my friends room and I don't know whether I even made it to the shower to wash off the humiliating feeling dripping off my fingers like a sticky disgusting summer sweat.
The lessons learned were hard to digest. Thinking back never gave me any pleasures except for maybe the first night behind the bar in the vastness of the rusty sculpture park. There were stars at last and mind blowing virginity of the moment.
Everything else is and should remain a faint and slurry blur. My only words that I draw from those moments of silence that he couldn't see are the following:
Affairs only really make sense when you are sexually experienced. When you know what makes you cum. When you have had the opportunity to fully trust someone.
and when the other person knows about the perfectness and uniqueness and the value of a now.
carpe diem
carpe noche
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
trust
the trust it was broken and you damaged it
it was you
there is no second guessing
and you
who i love
so there was my eagerness to forgive
but i didn't know that forgiving is not forgetting
and it is not a decision
but a long journey
on the back of a broken sad heart.
there was trust shattered
again and again
and
how can you demand me
to trust you
when i feel the scar of that injured trust
rub up against my heart
all this time
.
trust, just as forgiving
a journey
not a decision
it was you
there is no second guessing
and you
who i love
so there was my eagerness to forgive
but i didn't know that forgiving is not forgetting
and it is not a decision
but a long journey
on the back of a broken sad heart.
there was trust shattered
again and again
and
how can you demand me
to trust you
when i feel the scar of that injured trust
rub up against my heart
all this time
.
trust, just as forgiving
a journey
not a decision
Friday, December 14, 2007
fear
it is in fear that we lie.
what an uncomfortable and terrible way of being laid.
it is a bigger fear that unties a knot of lie
it is unconditional love only that resolves the fear beneath.
i am not mad at you.
i feel pity
i might be sad.
i might want to cry into the evening sky.
but
i am not mad
my own imperfections tower above me like a shadow straight out of a nightmare.
you bare with me
i bare with you
maybe that's another thing
about
what they call
love
what an uncomfortable and terrible way of being laid.
it is a bigger fear that unties a knot of lie
it is unconditional love only that resolves the fear beneath.
i am not mad at you.
i feel pity
i might be sad.
i might want to cry into the evening sky.
but
i am not mad
my own imperfections tower above me like a shadow straight out of a nightmare.
you bare with me
i bare with you
maybe that's another thing
about
what they call
love
Sunday, November 25, 2007
mater dola rosa
white black red
there they go
in a dance that was never meant to end
feeling like a virgin again
teddybear clutched to sleep
don't know what was
don't know what was
is this a mare from a distant star
is this a dream dreamt by a blossoming
maybe i am
there
quiet quiet calm no storm
there is someone
names dropped, fell on the floor
a stranger will come later through my door
alone but not alone
sharing but not
a delicate balance that could fail or fly
melodies weaving in
the warm sleepy coat
blankets innocent like years before
and no names were known
as violins rise
and violence subsides
and bleeding flowers cry
if i was
if i was
if i am
i will rise again
kissing the morning sun
pale like my breath
trying to grasp a spiteful of delusions
don't know what was
don't know what was
a lover
a star
a moon
a frozen lake
to dance on
there they go
in a dance that was never meant to end
feeling like a virgin again
teddybear clutched to sleep
don't know what was
don't know what was
is this a mare from a distant star
is this a dream dreamt by a blossoming
maybe i am
there
quiet quiet calm no storm
there is someone
names dropped, fell on the floor
a stranger will come later through my door
alone but not alone
sharing but not
a delicate balance that could fail or fly
melodies weaving in
the warm sleepy coat
blankets innocent like years before
and no names were known
as violins rise
and violence subsides
and bleeding flowers cry
if i was
if i was
if i am
i will rise again
kissing the morning sun
pale like my breath
trying to grasp a spiteful of delusions
don't know what was
don't know what was
a lover
a star
a moon
a frozen lake
to dance on
blossoming
you love me with such an unexpected tenderness, passion subliminal, that my dreams get swept away in a sweet and swift rush of warmth,tickling my cells, breaking open rusty doors with the ease of a magician.
inside, there is the unspeakable. the fragile that can tear a whole world of destruction and disappointment and disillusion apart. that,which is more than a dream. maybe only poets could grasp these words, these fragile birds, who have been abused and misused for too many times.
outside there are the hungry wolves and vultures lingering and waiting for the words to break into pieces. beauty, veiled in, to leave the living sacred, to protect the heart beyond the palpable matters.
ah, if you only knew what beauty you create, you, you, who kills mockingbirds with words painting the picture of a broken demon, a loser, a pathetic fuck.
ah, if you only knew what beauty you create, you, you, -every moment you touch me with your warmth, your black eyes, your breath so sweet
like a blossoming
inside, there is the unspeakable. the fragile that can tear a whole world of destruction and disappointment and disillusion apart. that,which is more than a dream. maybe only poets could grasp these words, these fragile birds, who have been abused and misused for too many times.
outside there are the hungry wolves and vultures lingering and waiting for the words to break into pieces. beauty, veiled in, to leave the living sacred, to protect the heart beyond the palpable matters.
ah, if you only knew what beauty you create, you, you, who kills mockingbirds with words painting the picture of a broken demon, a loser, a pathetic fuck.
ah, if you only knew what beauty you create, you, you, -every moment you touch me with your warmth, your black eyes, your breath so sweet
like a blossoming
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
come back
Beneath the surface of the dream there is hell. Dark, rotten, screaming,
DARK ROTTEN SCREAMING
DARK ROTTEN SCREAMING
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Forgiving. - Healing past wounds.
So a miracle is about to happen. And it is one week to go to Eastern, the old pagan celebration of resurrection and renewal and fertility (the red eggs!), the Christian celebration of Resurrection and - Forgivingness.
You have no idea how miracle-struck I am right now.
All of the sudden, in a matter of the seconds it takes to read a textmessage and translate the meaning of it to your brain, it hit me hard and I understood!
It is so unbeliavable that I don't know how to start or what to say actually. It has to do with life, love, fate, destiny, chances, growing and past and the now.
It has to do with a little Piranha, the wild child, who lost her heart and her hopes and her self-confidence when she failed to help the one person she loved most and a little Gypsy who lost his heart and his trust and his will to live when he ran into his big love back then, in one nasty night or dirty afternoon, moaning and rolling and sweating with a 40 year old guy, he saw and heard them and it tore him into pieces and he dropped everything and went on a mission - childish but who can blame him for he was a child until this moment! - to destroy himself, his heart, his memories because he couldn't kill her so he had to kill himself to get rid of the pain the memories and his betrayed beliefs and hopes that afflicted him every day and every sober second.
So one day this wild child and this Gypsy met and for some reason they felt they would have to write this chapter together. And they fell so deeply in love that they wanted to write a whole book but only God knows how life will change and how we will change but the will and the love and the wish is right there.
Walking the road together they held hands, kissed one beautiful milky way night at a hidden miraculous bay in Malibu, where the sand and the crushing waves shone neon white and green due to the plankton. And then they made love one wonderful moon night at Venice beach and they felt the presence of this girl around them, Sophia, and they went through hard times and good times and he said he gave her his heart.
But all she had really, was his wish to give it to her.
IN reality this heart was hidden beneath a nasty layer of pus, an unhealed wound that made it practically impossible for him to even let his heart be touched by the wind or my wings.
Nightmares and fears were rotting in his brain, fear is the opposite of love, how can you love when you are so afraid?
The wild child asked herself this question many times. She was desperate, she cried, she tried, she wondered, she enjoyed, she doubted. But no matter how much she tried to imagine different solutions to her problem, she never could imagine NOT being with him. It just didn't do it for her. So she stayed with him, she said, it's alright, it's alright, take anything you want from me, anything, anything, and sometimes though she would get so tired. so, so tired from his games. From this vacuum he made them be in. He couldn't enter her world, she wasn't allowed to enter his - matter of fact, he did everything to protect her from it. Sometimes she would get sad from contemptful comments he made about other people, about the world, sometimes even about her 'fairy tale world'. But she remained silent, yelled every now and then and kept reaching out to him...
Until one day...
this Saturday afternoon....
He told her...
that he had this nightmare. Every night. since a week. Her, fucking somebody else, and every time in the dream he put a gun in his mouth, as a solution.
It took her two seconds to realize: It's not ME. It is Magdalena. She might have my face but it is her in the dream. And: That's why I couldn't sleep those past nights. It is very unusual for me not to be able to fall asleep. I couldn't. Until early early in the morning. I didn't know why but now I know it was out of sympathy for him. I couldn't eat after graduation because I was so worried about him, although he said he was alright. Matter of fact, though, I just seem to feel those things. He went through an extremely bad depressive patch and wanted to kill himself. So much for 'I'm alright!' and not lying. And opening up to your love...
Being in a relationship means, you can help each other. you can grow with each other. you don't have to continue fighting every battle by yourself. Some, yes. But others, not.
The bottom line of this story is, that I will not allow sexuality in our relationship until he fixes his heart. I loved making love to him. I want to do that again. I can't deal with a broken heart no more. It is like, when you don't learn your lesson, it will be repeated in your life somehow. I don't want that for us! I want him to move on so he can love me and be with me without those everlasting fears, this annoying suspicion about every guy friend I have and every move I dance when I go out alone.
And the only way he can heal his heart is by forgiving her. And assuming responsibility for his life and for his gifts that he received from the divine. And forgiving starts with compassion. THATS WHY I am actually happy that he is friends with that bitch Janet, because he told me earlier, that she reminds him of his ex and that he feels bad for her. Yeah, she is a whore, she is maybe a lost or a seeking soul. I always defended her and I always defended Magdalena too. He has to learn to feel compassionate towards those souls and lives and then forgive whatever they did to him. And first things first! First he has to forgive HIMSELF and embrace himself, everything he did. He hates so much about his past. But hate and fear and comtempt is the pus in his heart. He has to learn how to allow the Christ in his heart, if you want to put it this way, and accept the healing power of forgivingness, accept the help of somebody else!!!! Ask for it! Because alone you are too weak.
And the beauty of all this is - how we both got a second chance. He has no idea how much it meant to me when he simply stopped smoking weed just because it bothered me. You have to understand. Weed and other drugs have been my severest rival over so many years. They killed my love. I have the chance to actively love now, with a person with a similar fate like my Pedro. We can work it out!!! And he can learn how to love someone like me, who is so openhearted and world-loving and overspilling of joy and love for life, without fears.
And what he wrote, ah, so dear to my heart:
I understand sweety. Fully. And I decided to let you help. I wanna let you be completely involved in my life'
Halleluja, yehaaa! Hooray!!! That's a permission for me to go and to the work....
there's always been this little Shaman inside of me.... a little soul doctor... a little resolute madre maria dola rosa......
like, in everyone of us
You have no idea how miracle-struck I am right now.
All of the sudden, in a matter of the seconds it takes to read a textmessage and translate the meaning of it to your brain, it hit me hard and I understood!
It is so unbeliavable that I don't know how to start or what to say actually. It has to do with life, love, fate, destiny, chances, growing and past and the now.
It has to do with a little Piranha, the wild child, who lost her heart and her hopes and her self-confidence when she failed to help the one person she loved most and a little Gypsy who lost his heart and his trust and his will to live when he ran into his big love back then, in one nasty night or dirty afternoon, moaning and rolling and sweating with a 40 year old guy, he saw and heard them and it tore him into pieces and he dropped everything and went on a mission - childish but who can blame him for he was a child until this moment! - to destroy himself, his heart, his memories because he couldn't kill her so he had to kill himself to get rid of the pain the memories and his betrayed beliefs and hopes that afflicted him every day and every sober second.
So one day this wild child and this Gypsy met and for some reason they felt they would have to write this chapter together. And they fell so deeply in love that they wanted to write a whole book but only God knows how life will change and how we will change but the will and the love and the wish is right there.
Walking the road together they held hands, kissed one beautiful milky way night at a hidden miraculous bay in Malibu, where the sand and the crushing waves shone neon white and green due to the plankton. And then they made love one wonderful moon night at Venice beach and they felt the presence of this girl around them, Sophia, and they went through hard times and good times and he said he gave her his heart.
But all she had really, was his wish to give it to her.
IN reality this heart was hidden beneath a nasty layer of pus, an unhealed wound that made it practically impossible for him to even let his heart be touched by the wind or my wings.
Nightmares and fears were rotting in his brain, fear is the opposite of love, how can you love when you are so afraid?
The wild child asked herself this question many times. She was desperate, she cried, she tried, she wondered, she enjoyed, she doubted. But no matter how much she tried to imagine different solutions to her problem, she never could imagine NOT being with him. It just didn't do it for her. So she stayed with him, she said, it's alright, it's alright, take anything you want from me, anything, anything, and sometimes though she would get so tired. so, so tired from his games. From this vacuum he made them be in. He couldn't enter her world, she wasn't allowed to enter his - matter of fact, he did everything to protect her from it. Sometimes she would get sad from contemptful comments he made about other people, about the world, sometimes even about her 'fairy tale world'. But she remained silent, yelled every now and then and kept reaching out to him...
Until one day...
this Saturday afternoon....
He told her...
that he had this nightmare. Every night. since a week. Her, fucking somebody else, and every time in the dream he put a gun in his mouth, as a solution.
It took her two seconds to realize: It's not ME. It is Magdalena. She might have my face but it is her in the dream. And: That's why I couldn't sleep those past nights. It is very unusual for me not to be able to fall asleep. I couldn't. Until early early in the morning. I didn't know why but now I know it was out of sympathy for him. I couldn't eat after graduation because I was so worried about him, although he said he was alright. Matter of fact, though, I just seem to feel those things. He went through an extremely bad depressive patch and wanted to kill himself. So much for 'I'm alright!' and not lying. And opening up to your love...
Being in a relationship means, you can help each other. you can grow with each other. you don't have to continue fighting every battle by yourself. Some, yes. But others, not.
The bottom line of this story is, that I will not allow sexuality in our relationship until he fixes his heart. I loved making love to him. I want to do that again. I can't deal with a broken heart no more. It is like, when you don't learn your lesson, it will be repeated in your life somehow. I don't want that for us! I want him to move on so he can love me and be with me without those everlasting fears, this annoying suspicion about every guy friend I have and every move I dance when I go out alone.
And the only way he can heal his heart is by forgiving her. And assuming responsibility for his life and for his gifts that he received from the divine. And forgiving starts with compassion. THATS WHY I am actually happy that he is friends with that bitch Janet, because he told me earlier, that she reminds him of his ex and that he feels bad for her. Yeah, she is a whore, she is maybe a lost or a seeking soul. I always defended her and I always defended Magdalena too. He has to learn to feel compassionate towards those souls and lives and then forgive whatever they did to him. And first things first! First he has to forgive HIMSELF and embrace himself, everything he did. He hates so much about his past. But hate and fear and comtempt is the pus in his heart. He has to learn how to allow the Christ in his heart, if you want to put it this way, and accept the healing power of forgivingness, accept the help of somebody else!!!! Ask for it! Because alone you are too weak.
And the beauty of all this is - how we both got a second chance. He has no idea how much it meant to me when he simply stopped smoking weed just because it bothered me. You have to understand. Weed and other drugs have been my severest rival over so many years. They killed my love. I have the chance to actively love now, with a person with a similar fate like my Pedro. We can work it out!!! And he can learn how to love someone like me, who is so openhearted and world-loving and overspilling of joy and love for life, without fears.
And what he wrote, ah, so dear to my heart:
I understand sweety. Fully. And I decided to let you help. I wanna let you be completely involved in my life'
Halleluja, yehaaa! Hooray!!! That's a permission for me to go and to the work....
there's always been this little Shaman inside of me.... a little soul doctor... a little resolute madre maria dola rosa......
like, in everyone of us
Saturday, April 08, 2006
ani difranco and fairy tale rules
In loop right now 'Done Wrong' by Ani Difranco who I just discovered...Great lyrics. Damn...
People like her absolutely encourage me to go further on my way of musical exploration. The only thing I am really lacking still, is the courage to go on stage and perform no matter what and get better right there. I am still so scared but I will get over it. I know it.
Ah, yeah, life. I was just thinking today while I was cleaning: Doesn't this bitch Janet have a least bit sense of decency and respect? Maybe she is not aware of it, but I don't get to see my love very much. What the fuck. You wanna spend the night with us??? WHAT THE FUCK???? I shouldn't have played it cool. I should have reacted cool but tell him what I think about THAT. Why doesn't she go to one of her thousand lovers that she betrayed her ex with? Huh? Why does she have to spoil one of the rare opportunities for me to be alone with my love?? WHY doesn't he get that and told her by himself???? So helpful, my love, you are so fucking helpful.
I say: FIRST THINGS FIRST. First you show me that this is going to work. First you give me what I need. You say I am never happy, it s never enough. But hey wait a minute, read with me these lyrics:
'How could you do nothing and say I'm doing my best'?
That's how I feel. I don't know how difficult really your situation is and how much of a big accomplishment it is for you to actually come out here and visit me, but hey, it's me who makes it a beautiful thing then. Don't get me wrong, i love you. I love being with you. And you make me feel good. You are funny. You make me laugh and I feel how much you love me and care for me. But I haven't seen the effort coming yet, the effort the prince has to make to get the princess.
See, I am going to stick to that from now on. I think it is a great idea that we can learn from fairy tales... The tasks the prince has to accomplish before getting the princess. Very good concept.
First, there are three riddles. And then you have to go and fight, kill the monster (the inner monster?! it's all metaphorically!!) and win the kingdom. And as a reward you get me and my kingdom and boy, my kingdom is mind blowing. It's huge and it's insanly beautiful. You get it doubled. You get back so much more. But first you have to go out there, solve the riddles and fight. And my job as the princess or queen is it to demand relentlessly and without pardon the best of you, because it is in you and needs to be challenged. And when you come home from the good war it is my job to make you feel good, comfort and heal you and encourage you and thank you. I will do that.
Where is your part. If you really want to be with me forever you need to grow up. I can wait, but I can't put up with this bullshit too much longer anymore.
Ha. And what resulted from this Janet thing? I called Ana, the girl in whose apartment I am staying at and now the new rule is nobody can stay there except for me. My love is not coming out here next week and I will yet again have to wait....And all those fucking uncried tears and fierce emotions just gonna scribble whatever they will into my heart and my job as an artist will be to decipher it and make something out of it..
How do they say? Absence is to love like wind to fire: It extinguishes the small and enkindles the big.
So we will see.
Whether you are ready to see that you ARE a prince.
'Done Wrong'
The wind is ruthless
The trees shake angry fingers at the sky
The people hunch their shoulders
Hold their collars over their ears and run by
It’s a cold rain
It’s a hard rain
Like the kind that you find in songs
I guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
Here to sing you about how I’ve been done wrong
And I am sitting, watching
Out the window of the coffee shop
And I am waiting, waiting
Waiting for it to let up
I am rocking like a cradle
Warming my hands with the cup in between
I am leaning over the table
Holding my face over the steam
And before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There’s just a couple things
I’d like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I’m doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed
It just all slips
Away so slowly
You don’t even notice till you’ve lost a lot
I’ve been like one of those zombies
In vegas
Pouring quarters into a slot
And now I’m tired
And I am broke
And I feel stupid and I feel used
And I’m at the end of my little rope
And I am swinging back and forth
About you
Before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There’s just a couple things
I’d like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I’m doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed
People like her absolutely encourage me to go further on my way of musical exploration. The only thing I am really lacking still, is the courage to go on stage and perform no matter what and get better right there. I am still so scared but I will get over it. I know it.
Ah, yeah, life. I was just thinking today while I was cleaning: Doesn't this bitch Janet have a least bit sense of decency and respect? Maybe she is not aware of it, but I don't get to see my love very much. What the fuck. You wanna spend the night with us??? WHAT THE FUCK???? I shouldn't have played it cool. I should have reacted cool but tell him what I think about THAT. Why doesn't she go to one of her thousand lovers that she betrayed her ex with? Huh? Why does she have to spoil one of the rare opportunities for me to be alone with my love?? WHY doesn't he get that and told her by himself???? So helpful, my love, you are so fucking helpful.
I say: FIRST THINGS FIRST. First you show me that this is going to work. First you give me what I need. You say I am never happy, it s never enough. But hey wait a minute, read with me these lyrics:
'How could you do nothing and say I'm doing my best'?
That's how I feel. I don't know how difficult really your situation is and how much of a big accomplishment it is for you to actually come out here and visit me, but hey, it's me who makes it a beautiful thing then. Don't get me wrong, i love you. I love being with you. And you make me feel good. You are funny. You make me laugh and I feel how much you love me and care for me. But I haven't seen the effort coming yet, the effort the prince has to make to get the princess.
See, I am going to stick to that from now on. I think it is a great idea that we can learn from fairy tales... The tasks the prince has to accomplish before getting the princess. Very good concept.
First, there are three riddles. And then you have to go and fight, kill the monster (the inner monster?! it's all metaphorically!!) and win the kingdom. And as a reward you get me and my kingdom and boy, my kingdom is mind blowing. It's huge and it's insanly beautiful. You get it doubled. You get back so much more. But first you have to go out there, solve the riddles and fight. And my job as the princess or queen is it to demand relentlessly and without pardon the best of you, because it is in you and needs to be challenged. And when you come home from the good war it is my job to make you feel good, comfort and heal you and encourage you and thank you. I will do that.
Where is your part. If you really want to be with me forever you need to grow up. I can wait, but I can't put up with this bullshit too much longer anymore.
Ha. And what resulted from this Janet thing? I called Ana, the girl in whose apartment I am staying at and now the new rule is nobody can stay there except for me. My love is not coming out here next week and I will yet again have to wait....And all those fucking uncried tears and fierce emotions just gonna scribble whatever they will into my heart and my job as an artist will be to decipher it and make something out of it..
How do they say? Absence is to love like wind to fire: It extinguishes the small and enkindles the big.
So we will see.
Whether you are ready to see that you ARE a prince.
'Done Wrong'
The wind is ruthless
The trees shake angry fingers at the sky
The people hunch their shoulders
Hold their collars over their ears and run by
It’s a cold rain
It’s a hard rain
Like the kind that you find in songs
I guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
Here to sing you about how I’ve been done wrong
And I am sitting, watching
Out the window of the coffee shop
And I am waiting, waiting
Waiting for it to let up
I am rocking like a cradle
Warming my hands with the cup in between
I am leaning over the table
Holding my face over the steam
And before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There’s just a couple things
I’d like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I’m doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed
It just all slips
Away so slowly
You don’t even notice till you’ve lost a lot
I’ve been like one of those zombies
In vegas
Pouring quarters into a slot
And now I’m tired
And I am broke
And I feel stupid and I feel used
And I’m at the end of my little rope
And I am swinging back and forth
About you
Before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There’s just a couple things
I’d like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I’m doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed
Friday, April 07, 2006
the bar, anais nin and number five
By the way,
I am sitting right now in the restaurant/bar that I read Anais Nin in with my wife, back in the days, yeah.
And that's where I met number 5.
you know...you understand wife, right?
And he called me the other day. And send me a message
'Hey Beautiful. All is well with me. Still just doing school, work and music. I miss u, and want 2 see you. Hope you have some time 4 me.'
Yeah RIGHT!!!!
You hope that your romantic visionary got rid of her lover and her relationship and has time to make this dream come ture?
yeah right.
don't fuck with me.
It makes me angry.
and the combination of worrying about love, life, this bar, anais nin, my wife and number five
makes me wonder
and that, did I say that already
makes me fucking angry!!!!!
I am sitting right now in the restaurant/bar that I read Anais Nin in with my wife, back in the days, yeah.
And that's where I met number 5.
you know...you understand wife, right?
And he called me the other day. And send me a message
'Hey Beautiful. All is well with me. Still just doing school, work and music. I miss u, and want 2 see you. Hope you have some time 4 me.'
Yeah RIGHT!!!!
You hope that your romantic visionary got rid of her lover and her relationship and has time to make this dream come ture?
yeah right.
don't fuck with me.
It makes me angry.
and the combination of worrying about love, life, this bar, anais nin, my wife and number five
makes me wonder
and that, did I say that already
makes me fucking angry!!!!!
when jealousy kicks in
yeah. jealousy. we all know this feeling. it means, we are not perfect. it means we are probably not real Christians, Buddhists or Muslims after all. Means we are human becomings, I GUESS.
You know this feeling when you get a sick feeling from being too much in love. Too intense, too meaningful, too much for your fucking age.
See, someone told me. Why wait with marrying? I mean, there was this girl, she was with a guy for six years, broke up and married a guy that she knew for six months then. That's probably a feeling of certainty or despair that makes things pretty clear, doesn't it.
I admit, it feels kinda good to be on my own. I live alone now, in an apartment of my friend, for a month. I am back to NORMAL, I reconnected to my creative inner self, I can breathe and live. I am sad and frustrated that I saw my boyfriend in the last 21 days for only 3 wonderful days, but actually it feels good to be able to go to a restaurant, drink a wine, think and write and be by myself without having to deal with ANYBODY. yah!
Then he finally can come again. Monday. But this time his ride is Janet, the only girl in this world I just cannot trust with regards to him. She is a fucking snake and I know that. She is filthy. But she is also the one person he could connect to as a friend. (WHAT IS A FRIEND in America????) I told him how I feel about her. Just as he told me about all the guys I am friends with and that he cannot trust and feels bad about.
Yes, I am JEALOUS, jealous that she is the one he can actually 'talk' to. Great. Am I your best friend or not? Ok. relax. So She needs a place to CRASH. He told her she could crash with US. and asks me whether thats OKAY with me.
Halleluja! What am I supposed to say now, huh? Of course I have to play cool and say it is okay.
But DON'T FUCKING ASK ME TWICE!!!! I might start thinking and find its not okay. What the fuck. I never made you sleep in the same room like my guy friends. Ever. and the only time I actually visited one of them was when you couldn't fucking pick me up from the train station. At the night before my birthday. FCUK THAT!!!!
You can have your friends. Go ahead. I ll play cool. I get along with her, in fact, I was 'friends' (Acquaintance!) with her before you. WHATEVER!
But all in all - right now I feel so WEIRD. and I feel so exhausted. I want to go back and live my life. I mean, thats what I do right now, too, of course, but it's very obvious to me, that I cannot stay in America even though I love you very much. I was ready to move to fucking Zimbabwe with Mugabe and everything when I was in love with David. But that was impulsive and crazy. That was a one minute decision. That was absolutely out of this world. And Zimbabwe is not America. After all.
My mother moved to Europe, for herself first and then she stayed there for my Dad. That's love, huh? But she was never happy. Maybe because she wasn't in balance herself, whatever you can blame it on, but matter of fact, she always carried this extreme homesickness inside herself. When you've been to Alaska you'll understand. The energy there is AMAZING. It blows you away. And whenever she went there and came back she looked ten years younger, blossoming, energetic.
I am NOT going to repeat her fate. That's not my job. I am the one with roots, and I realized I need them to keep on growing. You were the one who said you'd follow me whereever and support my studies and everything. Because you are not bound. I don't know love, I don't know. Everybody is bound to some extend. It seems more and more like an extreme decision to me to cut everything off and go somewhere entirely new... Your life might be like that and lead you there, I probably wouldn't mind living in Latin America. But sorry, I am here since six months and I know already that I can't stay here. I am going to study at the east coast next school year, but I have this feeling in my little toe, that even that won't convince me. It simply feels WRONG to me. For me, my life, my personality, my way.
I don't whether that means I don't love you enough. I hope it doesn't. It's just, I don't have to REPEAT my parents fate. I don't want to, matter of factly. I don't. East Europe is freaking exploding right now. That's where I wanna be. I want to live in Italy. Or Greece. Or Romania, for God's sake. But not the States. No offense, but even you don't really like it here. But I guess that's not the point. Unfortunately.
Berlin, I'll be back. I have to move on. Maybe not Berlin. Maybe Paris. Maybe Bucharest. I can't stay in Missouri for you. My father was right.... I am not the kind of person that can stay anywhere because of a guy. It's not good for me and what I always felt I have to do in my life. Me too, I dream of a family in the country side. Don't get me wrong. But if it matters to me, where that would be, and to you rather not, what should we do????? Follow you or follow me????
It makes me think of L. Cohen's song...
'I can't follow you my love. You cannot follow me'
It aches.
You know this feeling when you get a sick feeling from being too much in love. Too intense, too meaningful, too much for your fucking age.
See, someone told me. Why wait with marrying? I mean, there was this girl, she was with a guy for six years, broke up and married a guy that she knew for six months then. That's probably a feeling of certainty or despair that makes things pretty clear, doesn't it.
I admit, it feels kinda good to be on my own. I live alone now, in an apartment of my friend, for a month. I am back to NORMAL, I reconnected to my creative inner self, I can breathe and live. I am sad and frustrated that I saw my boyfriend in the last 21 days for only 3 wonderful days, but actually it feels good to be able to go to a restaurant, drink a wine, think and write and be by myself without having to deal with ANYBODY. yah!
Then he finally can come again. Monday. But this time his ride is Janet, the only girl in this world I just cannot trust with regards to him. She is a fucking snake and I know that. She is filthy. But she is also the one person he could connect to as a friend. (WHAT IS A FRIEND in America????) I told him how I feel about her. Just as he told me about all the guys I am friends with and that he cannot trust and feels bad about.
Yes, I am JEALOUS, jealous that she is the one he can actually 'talk' to. Great. Am I your best friend or not? Ok. relax. So She needs a place to CRASH. He told her she could crash with US. and asks me whether thats OKAY with me.
Halleluja! What am I supposed to say now, huh? Of course I have to play cool and say it is okay.
But DON'T FUCKING ASK ME TWICE!!!! I might start thinking and find its not okay. What the fuck. I never made you sleep in the same room like my guy friends. Ever. and the only time I actually visited one of them was when you couldn't fucking pick me up from the train station. At the night before my birthday. FCUK THAT!!!!
You can have your friends. Go ahead. I ll play cool. I get along with her, in fact, I was 'friends' (Acquaintance!) with her before you. WHATEVER!
But all in all - right now I feel so WEIRD. and I feel so exhausted. I want to go back and live my life. I mean, thats what I do right now, too, of course, but it's very obvious to me, that I cannot stay in America even though I love you very much. I was ready to move to fucking Zimbabwe with Mugabe and everything when I was in love with David. But that was impulsive and crazy. That was a one minute decision. That was absolutely out of this world. And Zimbabwe is not America. After all.
My mother moved to Europe, for herself first and then she stayed there for my Dad. That's love, huh? But she was never happy. Maybe because she wasn't in balance herself, whatever you can blame it on, but matter of fact, she always carried this extreme homesickness inside herself. When you've been to Alaska you'll understand. The energy there is AMAZING. It blows you away. And whenever she went there and came back she looked ten years younger, blossoming, energetic.
I am NOT going to repeat her fate. That's not my job. I am the one with roots, and I realized I need them to keep on growing. You were the one who said you'd follow me whereever and support my studies and everything. Because you are not bound. I don't know love, I don't know. Everybody is bound to some extend. It seems more and more like an extreme decision to me to cut everything off and go somewhere entirely new... Your life might be like that and lead you there, I probably wouldn't mind living in Latin America. But sorry, I am here since six months and I know already that I can't stay here. I am going to study at the east coast next school year, but I have this feeling in my little toe, that even that won't convince me. It simply feels WRONG to me. For me, my life, my personality, my way.
I don't whether that means I don't love you enough. I hope it doesn't. It's just, I don't have to REPEAT my parents fate. I don't want to, matter of factly. I don't. East Europe is freaking exploding right now. That's where I wanna be. I want to live in Italy. Or Greece. Or Romania, for God's sake. But not the States. No offense, but even you don't really like it here. But I guess that's not the point. Unfortunately.
Berlin, I'll be back. I have to move on. Maybe not Berlin. Maybe Paris. Maybe Bucharest. I can't stay in Missouri for you. My father was right.... I am not the kind of person that can stay anywhere because of a guy. It's not good for me and what I always felt I have to do in my life. Me too, I dream of a family in the country side. Don't get me wrong. But if it matters to me, where that would be, and to you rather not, what should we do????? Follow you or follow me????
It makes me think of L. Cohen's song...
'I can't follow you my love. You cannot follow me'
It aches.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Lord knows I can enjoy Myself
Well you'd probably need around 300 $ to go to Frisco he said. Depending on how long you'd stay.
No! I said. No! What for? It's 100 $ for the bus back and forth. Where is the money?
But you'd have to stay at a hotel.
Lord, no! I'd stay with friends or people from the hospitality club! I'd eat once a day and maybe they would feed me a little too....
You just don't know how to enjoy yourself! God, Piranha! You don't go there to starve! You go there and buy crazy stuff that you'd never buy otherwise and have a good time!!!
I paused. SERIOUSLY puzzled.
Wait, wait. This is not the way I travel honey! No ways! What the fuck! what is eating your brain? Is capitalism slowly corrupting your mind from the inside?? BUYING stuff! there is nothing wrong with that but if you can't there is nothing wrong with that either! For Gods sake! Look around how beautiful this world is, how he/she made it for us!
I'd go there to see and to do things. I'd go there to live, encounter adventures openminded, my arms wide open to whatever may come. This is the way I travel.
AND DON'T you DARE saying I don't know how to enjoy myself ever again! My way of enjoying things is simple and beautiful and satisfying and LASTING. the other day I was walking down the street and had this flashback to this trip we made to North France for three weeks. it was cheaper than your 300$ for Frisco!!! three weeks! I still FEED of this trip! I felt so miserable and just thinking of it made me happy, you know, JOYFUL.
Well, it s good you have trips too, to have flashbacks to he said dryly. I have that too...
well i hope you enjoy them I snapped back.
but it s sad i thought. It's sad.
the way how I learned to enjoy is not at ALL connected to money in any way. Drugs cost. If you steal them or engage in criminal activities to get them it's wrong. What goes around comes around. Called Karma. Products cost. Labels cost. Prestige costs.
THE PURE SHEER JOY THAT GOD SPILLED OVER EVERYTHING HE CREATED DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.
or whoever created it. you get my drift.
you just need the eyes and the will to see. and there is nothing more enjoyable and beautiful for me than being on the road, with one dry piece of bread in one pocket and some water in a bottle in the other pocket. Seriously thats it. And then there are people that you meet on the road, good hearted people and one helps the other. Thats how it has been working for me ever since I stopped going with my dad on trips.
No! I said. No! What for? It's 100 $ for the bus back and forth. Where is the money?
But you'd have to stay at a hotel.
Lord, no! I'd stay with friends or people from the hospitality club! I'd eat once a day and maybe they would feed me a little too....
You just don't know how to enjoy yourself! God, Piranha! You don't go there to starve! You go there and buy crazy stuff that you'd never buy otherwise and have a good time!!!
I paused. SERIOUSLY puzzled.
Wait, wait. This is not the way I travel honey! No ways! What the fuck! what is eating your brain? Is capitalism slowly corrupting your mind from the inside?? BUYING stuff! there is nothing wrong with that but if you can't there is nothing wrong with that either! For Gods sake! Look around how beautiful this world is, how he/she made it for us!
I'd go there to see and to do things. I'd go there to live, encounter adventures openminded, my arms wide open to whatever may come. This is the way I travel.
AND DON'T you DARE saying I don't know how to enjoy myself ever again! My way of enjoying things is simple and beautiful and satisfying and LASTING. the other day I was walking down the street and had this flashback to this trip we made to North France for three weeks. it was cheaper than your 300$ for Frisco!!! three weeks! I still FEED of this trip! I felt so miserable and just thinking of it made me happy, you know, JOYFUL.
Well, it s good you have trips too, to have flashbacks to he said dryly. I have that too...
well i hope you enjoy them I snapped back.
but it s sad i thought. It's sad.
the way how I learned to enjoy is not at ALL connected to money in any way. Drugs cost. If you steal them or engage in criminal activities to get them it's wrong. What goes around comes around. Called Karma. Products cost. Labels cost. Prestige costs.
THE PURE SHEER JOY THAT GOD SPILLED OVER EVERYTHING HE CREATED DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.
or whoever created it. you get my drift.
you just need the eyes and the will to see. and there is nothing more enjoyable and beautiful for me than being on the road, with one dry piece of bread in one pocket and some water in a bottle in the other pocket. Seriously thats it. And then there are people that you meet on the road, good hearted people and one helps the other. Thats how it has been working for me ever since I stopped going with my dad on trips.
beauty of the space
ahhhhh!
back!!!!!!!
the inner space. considering how many paths there are in this world that proclaim the acquisition of said inner space it is quite excusable that I still depend on outer circumstances to maintain this space, to a large extend at least. I am just a Human Becoming, you know!!!!
So even in Berlin when I was sharing this tiny room with my roommate from Sibiria I was better off: I had my own space, my walls with my pictures and photos and my table and my closet you know! The last five months I had none of that. None. Everything was my sister's. Even the camper couldn't be my space because she is so picky about her stuff. there is nothing wrong with that, Lord, no, but that's how it was. I kept telling myself, if you travelled, you wouldn't have your 'own' space either. But that was WRONG! because when you are on the road you DO have your own space: the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the road! the minutes alone. nobody to bother you. yeah. thats it!!!!
Two weeks ago I moved into my friend's apartment. She can't be here for a month and so I can stay in her apartment. Yeah, this too, isn't really my room but I am alone there. I can cook, I can have my photos and stuff however I want it. I can play guitar whenever I want it, I can cry when I am sad I can moan when I make love I can laugh loud when I feel like it and listen to the music I like and there is no TV nonstop going and no akward feelings that I did yet something else wrong or didn't live up to the many expectations from the people around me. I can be with my love and not feel bad about it. I can live.
so I was walking the streets the other day and hey, suddenly I had these ideas for art installations. for projects. the old me. Always something up in my mind!!! I felt like I FUNCTION again!!!
I've missed that Piranha so much! Man it s fucking crazy!!! It's SO amazing and scary too, how much I seem to need this outer private space in order to open up this space inside of me that feeds of the creative energy and feeds in turn my identity. It's plainly gorgeous and insanly awesome to be back to this state of being.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!
and now, lets get something done!
back!!!!!!!
the inner space. considering how many paths there are in this world that proclaim the acquisition of said inner space it is quite excusable that I still depend on outer circumstances to maintain this space, to a large extend at least. I am just a Human Becoming, you know!!!!
So even in Berlin when I was sharing this tiny room with my roommate from Sibiria I was better off: I had my own space, my walls with my pictures and photos and my table and my closet you know! The last five months I had none of that. None. Everything was my sister's. Even the camper couldn't be my space because she is so picky about her stuff. there is nothing wrong with that, Lord, no, but that's how it was. I kept telling myself, if you travelled, you wouldn't have your 'own' space either. But that was WRONG! because when you are on the road you DO have your own space: the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the road! the minutes alone. nobody to bother you. yeah. thats it!!!!
Two weeks ago I moved into my friend's apartment. She can't be here for a month and so I can stay in her apartment. Yeah, this too, isn't really my room but I am alone there. I can cook, I can have my photos and stuff however I want it. I can play guitar whenever I want it, I can cry when I am sad I can moan when I make love I can laugh loud when I feel like it and listen to the music I like and there is no TV nonstop going and no akward feelings that I did yet something else wrong or didn't live up to the many expectations from the people around me. I can be with my love and not feel bad about it. I can live.
so I was walking the streets the other day and hey, suddenly I had these ideas for art installations. for projects. the old me. Always something up in my mind!!! I felt like I FUNCTION again!!!
I've missed that Piranha so much! Man it s fucking crazy!!! It's SO amazing and scary too, how much I seem to need this outer private space in order to open up this space inside of me that feeds of the creative energy and feeds in turn my identity. It's plainly gorgeous and insanly awesome to be back to this state of being.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!
and now, lets get something done!
Monday, April 03, 2006
from the city of fallen angels
fallen angels....
I think of Therese a wonderful young woman who was blossoming and shining and she is going her way with the dignity of a fallen angel.
angels don't know how to cry.
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of salty water
and she knows that bitter sweet taste of shattered dreams
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of hope when it gets attacked by nasty reality
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of thin red blood
and she knows herself now a little bit more
and she moves on. never abandoning her wings but using her feet
and she moves on planting new seeds of love
and she moves on with tears in the corner of her mouth
and she moves on with a song in her heart
a song for the fallen angels
a song for the fairytales
a song for the lost hopes that swirl around in the atmosphere
a song for those who don't know what tears taste like
a song for those who don't know what a lie tastes like
a song for those who don't believe the convictions and the courage of the past
a song for those who fall for tomorrow
a song for those who are not in peace
hale to you Therese
hale to you lady in red
hale to you lady who lost her innocence and maintained it in her heart
hale to you lady who bares the dignity of a mater dola rosa without losing the affection for the now
hale to you my friend.
do you remember how we took photos on the top of the military buildings one sunny afternoon outside of Berlin
I think of Therese a wonderful young woman who was blossoming and shining and she is going her way with the dignity of a fallen angel.
angels don't know how to cry.
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of salty water
and she knows that bitter sweet taste of shattered dreams
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of hope when it gets attacked by nasty reality
and she knows the bitter sweet taste of thin red blood
and she knows herself now a little bit more
and she moves on. never abandoning her wings but using her feet
and she moves on planting new seeds of love
and she moves on with tears in the corner of her mouth
and she moves on with a song in her heart
a song for the fallen angels
a song for the fairytales
a song for the lost hopes that swirl around in the atmosphere
a song for those who don't know what tears taste like
a song for those who don't know what a lie tastes like
a song for those who don't believe the convictions and the courage of the past
a song for those who fall for tomorrow
a song for those who are not in peace
hale to you Therese
hale to you lady in red
hale to you lady who lost her innocence and maintained it in her heart
hale to you lady who bares the dignity of a mater dola rosa without losing the affection for the now
hale to you my friend.
do you remember how we took photos on the top of the military buildings one sunny afternoon outside of Berlin
Saturday, April 01, 2006
beautiful daughter of mine
I was walking the streets of Rome all by myself. The clouds and the winds made love in the afternoon and my steps led me through the insane touristic carneval to magical places, as if following an invisible red line that some angels had prepared for me long time before I even came to see.
This is how I found the dessous shop in which I acquired the wonder-bra with which I share many miraculous stories, this is how I found the church under which I shared an evening meal with two precious friends and heard old Sicilian mafiosi play on my guitar and sing as if it was redemption day.This was how this waiter invited me to drink whatever I wanted because he was a billionaire who wants to be normal and do something good all 7 years to somebody entirely unknown to him. He wanted to give me a Michel Angelo Original and lots of money, I left, half drunk, when my intuition told me so, smoked a cigarette, got really dizzy or high from that, took a bus to the hotel and stared at all those people around me in a whirl of thoughts on life, human beings and clouds that were drifting through my mind.
And this is how I found Adrian, the guy I fell in love with for one night. The last night. It was late, the club already closed and my friends had left. I was alone there, with this angel who for some reason had crossed my way. we did not protect. I almost felt like in Jim Jarmusch's 'Night on Earth' in the scene where the taxidriver in Rome sees this couple making love in the streets. In the morning I drove home in a bus, without looking back, smiling into the fresh sun.
when I arrived in my old hometown I didn't know whether or not I was pregnant. I wasn't scared. But, Lord knows, you can't stop thinking about it! It was golden sunny and - silent in my old hometown. Funny how you regocnize some things only when you come back. Down the street next to the old Newspaper location vis a vis to the old marketplace that saw me growing up I suddenly felt her presence around me.
I saw, or should I rather say i FELT this little gorgeous girl walking next to me. Skipping, jumping, running, holding my hand. Her hair was black, long and curly, but she was white. - Thus she couldn't be merely a projection of my wish to have 'chocolate-babies' and my affection for coloured people. But the crazy thing was: Adrian was blonde!!! And the even more crazier thing is: My love's hair is BLACK AND CURLY. And she was absolutely his daughter! I mean, when I think about it now...how she looked like. She could have SO been his daughter. - our! daughter. Herself. coming unto life through us. what a blessing. she's not there yet but still....it is VERY strange. very very.
Skip fast forward to somewhen in January 2006. A beautiful night, the moon caressing two young people at Venice Beach, listening to the sound of crushing waves and the sweet sound of overwhelmed lovers. It was the first coming together of me and my lover after such a long time of taking it slow. We didn't have anything to protect and we didn't risk anything. Not this time.
I looked at him and I looked in his beautiful eyes and I was overwhelmed by this certaintly that painted my thoughts in my soul: If we would make love now, here, I know, that I would be pregnant. I just know it with the certainty of a womans intuition. And her name would be S_____. Yeah. And the crazy crazy thing was, he knew it too. And now I just have to pray that she ll wait a little. beautiful daughter of mine. you already touched my heart. and we love you since the beginning of time
This is how I found the dessous shop in which I acquired the wonder-bra with which I share many miraculous stories, this is how I found the church under which I shared an evening meal with two precious friends and heard old Sicilian mafiosi play on my guitar and sing as if it was redemption day.This was how this waiter invited me to drink whatever I wanted because he was a billionaire who wants to be normal and do something good all 7 years to somebody entirely unknown to him. He wanted to give me a Michel Angelo Original and lots of money, I left, half drunk, when my intuition told me so, smoked a cigarette, got really dizzy or high from that, took a bus to the hotel and stared at all those people around me in a whirl of thoughts on life, human beings and clouds that were drifting through my mind.
And this is how I found Adrian, the guy I fell in love with for one night. The last night. It was late, the club already closed and my friends had left. I was alone there, with this angel who for some reason had crossed my way. we did not protect. I almost felt like in Jim Jarmusch's 'Night on Earth' in the scene where the taxidriver in Rome sees this couple making love in the streets. In the morning I drove home in a bus, without looking back, smiling into the fresh sun.
when I arrived in my old hometown I didn't know whether or not I was pregnant. I wasn't scared. But, Lord knows, you can't stop thinking about it! It was golden sunny and - silent in my old hometown. Funny how you regocnize some things only when you come back. Down the street next to the old Newspaper location vis a vis to the old marketplace that saw me growing up I suddenly felt her presence around me.
I saw, or should I rather say i FELT this little gorgeous girl walking next to me. Skipping, jumping, running, holding my hand. Her hair was black, long and curly, but she was white. - Thus she couldn't be merely a projection of my wish to have 'chocolate-babies' and my affection for coloured people. But the crazy thing was: Adrian was blonde!!! And the even more crazier thing is: My love's hair is BLACK AND CURLY. And she was absolutely his daughter! I mean, when I think about it now...how she looked like. She could have SO been his daughter. - our! daughter. Herself. coming unto life through us. what a blessing. she's not there yet but still....it is VERY strange. very very.
Skip fast forward to somewhen in January 2006. A beautiful night, the moon caressing two young people at Venice Beach, listening to the sound of crushing waves and the sweet sound of overwhelmed lovers. It was the first coming together of me and my lover after such a long time of taking it slow. We didn't have anything to protect and we didn't risk anything. Not this time.
I looked at him and I looked in his beautiful eyes and I was overwhelmed by this certaintly that painted my thoughts in my soul: If we would make love now, here, I know, that I would be pregnant. I just know it with the certainty of a womans intuition. And her name would be S_____. Yeah. And the crazy crazy thing was, he knew it too. And now I just have to pray that she ll wait a little. beautiful daughter of mine. you already touched my heart. and we love you since the beginning of time
Friday, March 31, 2006
the good and the bad and the ugly and the beautiful
Already long ago I've realized that I am not a child of the so called 'fun' generation. The expression 'have fun' is casual and you can hear it from me too but in reality i think that's crap. I don't mind hardship, I don't mind difficult times, injuries or tears if you just live your life fully and courageous, - well, if I really think about it I think I am a real sucker for BEAUTY. If you try to make things BEAUTIFUL it is always worth the effort. Even tragic events can be beautiful in a way, you know? Tears can be beautiful. life can be beautiful. Fun goes by, beauty is carved into the soul like hyroglyphs into stone. Beauty is the food for the soul, not the fastfood, the good old fashioned slow food.
Beauty in the sense of 'DONE WITH LOVE'. Anything you do with love is beautiful. Subway for example. They have pretty decent food, if you compare it to Mac D, I mean for a poor student like me that's like the better option. But I feel tempted each and single time I buy a sandwich there to ask them whether they maybe could make the sandwich with love for me. You know? When your Mom cooks and she loves you and she loves cooking for you it is a whole different story, right?
So subway sandwiches are really not beautiful if you think about it.
Monday night I made love for the first time in my whole life. I am 23 years old and you might be surprised or even pityful for me, that this was suppposedly the first time, but I tell you, it is never to late for that. I made love, many times, to my boyfriend, but this time it was like man, REAL LOVE. You know? It was a trip. It was a blast. It was REALLY REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
Finally, finally, after all these days of worrying and being sad and missing him he came to visit me for three long days that we lived most of the time in seclusion in the apartment I have right now, listening to the raindrops falling, looking at the leaves blinking in the sun and playing guitar together, listening to music, cooking, watching movies and finally, finally talking.
This guy is such a precious stone and his soul is so beautiful. Like they say, the eyes are the window to the soul and his eyes are incredibly beautiful. The way they look you know?
God, I am so much in love now, all over again, I can't help it. It is such a beautiful thing. LOVE.
And he managed to say all these beautiful things that he had jokingly reversed earlier which had turned me as a result very insecure. But now I felt he was being serious about it. He treated me finally as the princess and queen I am, the goddess of love and he touched my soul with his magic fingers. He showed appreciation for my music, which in turn made me open up even more to him, he told me how good a cook I am (my dad would relly laugh hearing that), how beautiful I am and all that good stuff :))
we had some arguments and we came to conclusions and we made GOOD FOOD. and love
Gott sei gedankt
Beauty in the sense of 'DONE WITH LOVE'. Anything you do with love is beautiful. Subway for example. They have pretty decent food, if you compare it to Mac D, I mean for a poor student like me that's like the better option. But I feel tempted each and single time I buy a sandwich there to ask them whether they maybe could make the sandwich with love for me. You know? When your Mom cooks and she loves you and she loves cooking for you it is a whole different story, right?
So subway sandwiches are really not beautiful if you think about it.
Monday night I made love for the first time in my whole life. I am 23 years old and you might be surprised or even pityful for me, that this was suppposedly the first time, but I tell you, it is never to late for that. I made love, many times, to my boyfriend, but this time it was like man, REAL LOVE. You know? It was a trip. It was a blast. It was REALLY REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
Finally, finally, after all these days of worrying and being sad and missing him he came to visit me for three long days that we lived most of the time in seclusion in the apartment I have right now, listening to the raindrops falling, looking at the leaves blinking in the sun and playing guitar together, listening to music, cooking, watching movies and finally, finally talking.
This guy is such a precious stone and his soul is so beautiful. Like they say, the eyes are the window to the soul and his eyes are incredibly beautiful. The way they look you know?
God, I am so much in love now, all over again, I can't help it. It is such a beautiful thing. LOVE.
And he managed to say all these beautiful things that he had jokingly reversed earlier which had turned me as a result very insecure. But now I felt he was being serious about it. He treated me finally as the princess and queen I am, the goddess of love and he touched my soul with his magic fingers. He showed appreciation for my music, which in turn made me open up even more to him, he told me how good a cook I am (my dad would relly laugh hearing that), how beautiful I am and all that good stuff :))
we had some arguments and we came to conclusions and we made GOOD FOOD. and love
Gott sei gedankt
Monday, March 27, 2006
jesus christus - confessions of a warrior of the rainbow
The mother of my very very dear friend Viola is what you call psychic around here. Matter of fact, she has healed herself from mental illness (some might claim she is still there) and has explored energetic healing from the asian medicine and broadening it further and further until she really attained capabilities that surprised yours truly.
The moment I gained trust in what she was doing was when our rabbit who was injured reacted to her treatment in an astounding way. There is no way that could have been faked. This rabbit REACTED clearly to what she was doing and god knows, rabbits are not like us, biased and suspicious all the time.
Things got even more amazing when she contacted the spirit of the rabbit and started talking in tongues - she said it was rabbit tongue - and again, Lord knows, this wasn't made up. That was channeled and you can come with any sort of explanations and excuses and what not: you weren't there. You wouldn't say all this had you been there. so just believe me for a change.
One day, she was working with me and Viola on issues we had in our class, she said that I was from the realm of Jesus Christ. I was younger and I didn't dare to ask so much, but from what I figured I understood that she meant that different souls have different tasks and intentions on earth and that I was coming from the close realm of the Spirit of Jesus Christ (I don't know, maybe some are closer to other Spirits but I won't get into that nor do I claim here to know whether or not Jesus Christ is or is not the same Spirit as God. I don't know. And maybe it is even not necessary to know.) and therefore were here on earth on a mission to serve in the Spirit of Him. Those who know me, know that I am not at all someone who is talking about this at all too much. I mean, I hardly ever quote the bible (because I haven't read it) or say 'this is what Jesus would do' or whatever. I think it often though. When I walk past beggars and homeless I cringe at the fact that I don't help all of them. I think 'Jesus would give them what they need' so I try to give as I can, I have an abundance of smiles and love, so I give of that and they crave that and love it, trust me. And when I have money, I give. I don't like to support addictions but when somebody makes an effort to gain money, i.e. makes music on the street, I ll give. I love. Unconditionally.
Well, the reason why I am writing this is the following: for some reason I attract people who are mentally instabile, who are prone to becoming schizophrenic or other forms of mental illness, people who therefore probably experiment(ed) a lot with drugs and who maybe are just vampires for my good energy. Thats what bad tongues would say, but I am not stupid. I know how to protect myself. I was blessed with parents who have sung the same protective song for and with me every night until I was 13 or so. This is a huge gift, I tell you. In the night when the devil visited my boyfriend (name it devil or whatever you like) he found out that everything he had based his life on - that is music, modern music - didn't help him a bit. The only thing that helped was singing this one song that his mother had taught him when he was five through the whole night.
I smiled. I know about the power of these songs. Let psychologists have their theories about associative powers of memory and other placebo effect like explanations, I don't care. I take it for what it is: A powerful spring. And my parents gave me this incredible gift, the key to this source, this spring, my Waldorf school was an incredible way of acquiring tools (weapons!) to face this world and this life entirely and frontal and as it is: Therefore I give. Therefore I am a warrior and I am not afraid. Because I am a sucker for goodness, for love, for forgivingness. I love this world SO SO SO incredibly much. all of it.
And BECAUSE I am sitting at this spring, with its unconditional love, smiles, embrace and power, I feed the hungry and give water to the thirsty. And I know how to distinguish between the thirsty and hungry, the starving, and the vampires. Don't get me wrong. I KNOW HOW TO PROTECT ME. THIS is the most valuable and incredible gift my parents ever gave me. The means of protection of my spirit and my soul and a healthy lifestyle for my body...
And I am so surprised , so so so surprised as to how life, again, has sent me a stranger, a lover, who is at the verge of falling. Everything seemed so easy and so light and so - easy. Yeah, easy to me, in the beginning. Wild Child, no restrictions, no boundaries, just love. Love grew to commitment, to relationship, to opening up, to digging deep into the depths of our souls and I found a broken raven bird in my right left palm.
This wonderful being who had treated me so beautifully and brought back love and sex, body mind and soul together for me, was broken deep inside and longing for a remedy but yet rejecting it in every form I started trying to give it to him.
Yet another life lesson. I knew from my big youth love Pedro that there is nothing you can do. And I knew the pain and the tears and the sadness that lay ahead and I wasn't afraid because I have never been and maybe thats due to me being from the realm of Jesus Christ. My love will buy me a bible and he will read it to me. I never have. I am a free spirit. My father has raised me this way. He knew, that one day I would eventually read the great book and I would find my own way. No,. I am not turning all of the sudden fundamentally Christian. I've always been close to God and thats not a loophole my love. I am living this life, that you were talking about.
I wake up, with the intention to do God's will here. I wake up with a smile. I open my eyes to the beauty of life, to the gifts and I don't shun the tasks and the hardship that comes along. I don't close my eyes from the evil and the sad and the bad and the dirty and I don't shun working, oh yes, I am struggeling. I am lazy. I have my issues. But all in all. I am there. And I love every single bit of it and I am ready to take it on.
I am the mother who wants to protect her children, the planet, the life. I am the lifegiving Goddess who shines in the love of God.
I am the loving messenger of Jesus Christ, because we all are, he is in us, who loves Maria Magdalena just as he loves Judas.
And I have always loved you. Always. And I always will.
The moment I gained trust in what she was doing was when our rabbit who was injured reacted to her treatment in an astounding way. There is no way that could have been faked. This rabbit REACTED clearly to what she was doing and god knows, rabbits are not like us, biased and suspicious all the time.
Things got even more amazing when she contacted the spirit of the rabbit and started talking in tongues - she said it was rabbit tongue - and again, Lord knows, this wasn't made up. That was channeled and you can come with any sort of explanations and excuses and what not: you weren't there. You wouldn't say all this had you been there. so just believe me for a change.
One day, she was working with me and Viola on issues we had in our class, she said that I was from the realm of Jesus Christ. I was younger and I didn't dare to ask so much, but from what I figured I understood that she meant that different souls have different tasks and intentions on earth and that I was coming from the close realm of the Spirit of Jesus Christ (I don't know, maybe some are closer to other Spirits but I won't get into that nor do I claim here to know whether or not Jesus Christ is or is not the same Spirit as God. I don't know. And maybe it is even not necessary to know.) and therefore were here on earth on a mission to serve in the Spirit of Him. Those who know me, know that I am not at all someone who is talking about this at all too much. I mean, I hardly ever quote the bible (because I haven't read it) or say 'this is what Jesus would do' or whatever. I think it often though. When I walk past beggars and homeless I cringe at the fact that I don't help all of them. I think 'Jesus would give them what they need' so I try to give as I can, I have an abundance of smiles and love, so I give of that and they crave that and love it, trust me. And when I have money, I give. I don't like to support addictions but when somebody makes an effort to gain money, i.e. makes music on the street, I ll give. I love. Unconditionally.
Well, the reason why I am writing this is the following: for some reason I attract people who are mentally instabile, who are prone to becoming schizophrenic or other forms of mental illness, people who therefore probably experiment(ed) a lot with drugs and who maybe are just vampires for my good energy. Thats what bad tongues would say, but I am not stupid. I know how to protect myself. I was blessed with parents who have sung the same protective song for and with me every night until I was 13 or so. This is a huge gift, I tell you. In the night when the devil visited my boyfriend (name it devil or whatever you like) he found out that everything he had based his life on - that is music, modern music - didn't help him a bit. The only thing that helped was singing this one song that his mother had taught him when he was five through the whole night.
I smiled. I know about the power of these songs. Let psychologists have their theories about associative powers of memory and other placebo effect like explanations, I don't care. I take it for what it is: A powerful spring. And my parents gave me this incredible gift, the key to this source, this spring, my Waldorf school was an incredible way of acquiring tools (weapons!) to face this world and this life entirely and frontal and as it is: Therefore I give. Therefore I am a warrior and I am not afraid. Because I am a sucker for goodness, for love, for forgivingness. I love this world SO SO SO incredibly much. all of it.
And BECAUSE I am sitting at this spring, with its unconditional love, smiles, embrace and power, I feed the hungry and give water to the thirsty. And I know how to distinguish between the thirsty and hungry, the starving, and the vampires. Don't get me wrong. I KNOW HOW TO PROTECT ME. THIS is the most valuable and incredible gift my parents ever gave me. The means of protection of my spirit and my soul and a healthy lifestyle for my body...
And I am so surprised , so so so surprised as to how life, again, has sent me a stranger, a lover, who is at the verge of falling. Everything seemed so easy and so light and so - easy. Yeah, easy to me, in the beginning. Wild Child, no restrictions, no boundaries, just love. Love grew to commitment, to relationship, to opening up, to digging deep into the depths of our souls and I found a broken raven bird in my right left palm.
This wonderful being who had treated me so beautifully and brought back love and sex, body mind and soul together for me, was broken deep inside and longing for a remedy but yet rejecting it in every form I started trying to give it to him.
Yet another life lesson. I knew from my big youth love Pedro that there is nothing you can do. And I knew the pain and the tears and the sadness that lay ahead and I wasn't afraid because I have never been and maybe thats due to me being from the realm of Jesus Christ. My love will buy me a bible and he will read it to me. I never have. I am a free spirit. My father has raised me this way. He knew, that one day I would eventually read the great book and I would find my own way. No,. I am not turning all of the sudden fundamentally Christian. I've always been close to God and thats not a loophole my love. I am living this life, that you were talking about.
I wake up, with the intention to do God's will here. I wake up with a smile. I open my eyes to the beauty of life, to the gifts and I don't shun the tasks and the hardship that comes along. I don't close my eyes from the evil and the sad and the bad and the dirty and I don't shun working, oh yes, I am struggeling. I am lazy. I have my issues. But all in all. I am there. And I love every single bit of it and I am ready to take it on.
I am the mother who wants to protect her children, the planet, the life. I am the lifegiving Goddess who shines in the love of God.
I am the loving messenger of Jesus Christ, because we all are, he is in us, who loves Maria Magdalena just as he loves Judas.
And I have always loved you. Always. And I always will.
lovesong for my stranger
bringing back
the every day
nitty gritty
relationship work stuff
of course must have appeared
very weird
to someone
who just
talked to the devil
and realized
that his whole life
was based on things
that oh
so do NOT matter.
ah, my stranger. my love has been
and will be
in eternity
the wings of your guardian angel
he is trying to get through to you
you've been veiling yourself off
for oh so long
and now he is trying to talk
and love
and gently
explain to you
that love is
when
it matters
the every day
nitty gritty
relationship work stuff
of course must have appeared
very weird
to someone
who just
talked to the devil
and realized
that his whole life
was based on things
that oh
so do NOT matter.
ah, my stranger. my love has been
and will be
in eternity
the wings of your guardian angel
he is trying to get through to you
you've been veiling yourself off
for oh so long
and now he is trying to talk
and love
and gently
explain to you
that love is
when
it matters
Sunday, March 26, 2006
It all was once upon a time...
It all happened and it is all true. The shoe came with the devil and never let go of our memories and plagiarized pains ever again. In the voice of a man there is something that makes every woman on this planet understand when something is not right. when something is wrong and he won't admit it.
lay lady lay
this song transports my mind back into the world of ours when we found an escape in the middle of the night, in the shelter of a couple of clouds and the silver moon shining mildly and friendly as the time passed and you hold onto me and i cried and you said you are just so tired of it all.
we both had the dream of running away and just to live on a fram and lead a peaceful life. happy. you were tired and i was crying for you, for you not being able to break through to my world. i broke into your world, your world of grey and you said I am the only real seeming thing right there in your life, as your mind was still occupied by the grey veils of the past...acid, spped, lsd, amphetamines, crack, coke, weed, marihuana. you name it, i blame it.
and you are the best thing he's ever seen
stay lady stay
stay with your man a while
that's all i wanted. staying with you.
you can have a cake and eat too
sometimes.
when he's standing in front of you
lay lady lay
lay across my big brass bed
he never had such a bed and he was never a man really to me. someone who is able to take his own life in his own hands and cuts lose the dead ends. but no, it was too early and now it happened. I told him, I am there, consider me too. But he was ready to accept the consequences to what he was doing. and now, i am sure, he is sitting there and has a hard time not to regret because of me....
whatever colors you have in your mind
i show them to you
and you see them shine
lay lady lay
lay across my big brass bed.....
what a good time that was....
lay lady lay
this song transports my mind back into the world of ours when we found an escape in the middle of the night, in the shelter of a couple of clouds and the silver moon shining mildly and friendly as the time passed and you hold onto me and i cried and you said you are just so tired of it all.
we both had the dream of running away and just to live on a fram and lead a peaceful life. happy. you were tired and i was crying for you, for you not being able to break through to my world. i broke into your world, your world of grey and you said I am the only real seeming thing right there in your life, as your mind was still occupied by the grey veils of the past...acid, spped, lsd, amphetamines, crack, coke, weed, marihuana. you name it, i blame it.
and you are the best thing he's ever seen
stay lady stay
stay with your man a while
that's all i wanted. staying with you.
you can have a cake and eat too
sometimes.
when he's standing in front of you
lay lady lay
lay across my big brass bed
he never had such a bed and he was never a man really to me. someone who is able to take his own life in his own hands and cuts lose the dead ends. but no, it was too early and now it happened. I told him, I am there, consider me too. But he was ready to accept the consequences to what he was doing. and now, i am sure, he is sitting there and has a hard time not to regret because of me....
whatever colors you have in your mind
i show them to you
and you see them shine
lay lady lay
lay across my big brass bed.....
what a good time that was....
Saturday, March 25, 2006
in limbo
I am losing myself
and it is a perfect day to do so. they sky is grey and plenty the opportunities but they drift by just as the clouds do and lack of mobility and activity leads you to the strangest corners of the town. the same, still the same. because, explorer spirits don't have access to limbo, it is the perfect down ward spiral and nobody to blame. everything is better now. the past. the memories. the tomorrow. never the now because the now has been caught and murdered by my own greedy self.
the problem with limbo is, when you jump you still just hang in there.
and then, trying to break it,
I destroy everything
including
the me and the myself
what remains is the I and the eye of the beholder
it is
..
so. - strange
and it is a perfect day to do so. they sky is grey and plenty the opportunities but they drift by just as the clouds do and lack of mobility and activity leads you to the strangest corners of the town. the same, still the same. because, explorer spirits don't have access to limbo, it is the perfect down ward spiral and nobody to blame. everything is better now. the past. the memories. the tomorrow. never the now because the now has been caught and murdered by my own greedy self.
the problem with limbo is, when you jump you still just hang in there.
and then, trying to break it,
I destroy everything
including
the me and the myself
what remains is the I and the eye of the beholder
it is
..
so. - strange
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