either you are or you are not

either you are sexy or you are not he said. you don t ask sexy people what their name is, where they come from, how old they are, what they do in life. yeah. they either are or arent sexy, as simple as that. and sexy people are....sexy.

:)

so am I sexy, hm? I asked, smirking, chuckling about his enthusiasm. Maybe he was on E. But still, am I sexy then?

Hm. He said. Yeah, youare quite sexy. quite allright. if you switched your brain off you d probably totally freak out and give it all, would you!?

I gave his friend, on whom I had a crush, a long hard look. I wanted him so badly. I was so jealous of my very good friend Milla, who is so obviously and breathtakingly beautiful and so attention gathering that I felt I shouldn t compete with her. He had all eyes for her I thought. He did. And I, again, had started the thing from the wrong side. From the intellectual side. Everybody knows that the way from your head to your hands it the longest one, usually. So why the fuck did i talk to the guy who I so badly wanted to touch ??? Because I want to have the cake and eat it too. I want to know the person and the body. And the sex and his mind.

Yes I would.Freak out. But, please, I have had my fair share of that. Been there, done that... I would like to reconciliate brain and body and heart now. you know. I wish I would find the man I can show all of my sides and let him walk on those bridges.... I wish I did.

when his hands were all over my body I wondered whether it would make any major difference if this was A. or I. I don t know. Still don t konw. I knew that it didn t matter for him who I was. At least one certainty. But that didn t matter here, the moment counted, the chemistry. But I couldn t switch my brain off. The problem is, you CAN probably have ANYONE you want to, if you really really want it. 100%. I think I just wanted to want him...He was smart, good looking, sexy, interesting... what do you want more (yeah yeah, heart, I know you want D. but thats not the fucking point here, eh???)

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The next day the sun was shining. It s been a while since sunrays kissed my skin... Contrary to my intuition I messaged him a short text while I was attending this incredibly boring and unneccessarily long Starbucks schooling session... Fuck that.. The text message was one of that stupid kind, blabla, look forward to seeing you again. The echos of his hands were still ebbing out inside my thirsty skin...Thats why...thats why...

When I called Milla I asked her how she was doing. It was her birthday. Her voice alerted me.
´'Whats wrong, dear?´I asked. I knew it already. She said she felt so ashamed.
´Of what, take it easy´
´well, this guy yesterday....was it ... just for ... I mean, did you mess with him just for fun?..´

You and I know what had happened.

`Oh of course, that was nothing... you know I am all into D. still....fucked up ain´t it...´
(Milla, haven t you seen how stupidly I was hitting on him yesterday the whole night? Didn t you realize how sad I was that I am always interested in the wrong guys and that I cannot flirt with those I am interested in and that they all fall for you because you are so fucked up beautiful??? And showing off all the time? (this had to be said here. She does show off and it s very charming and annoying in the same time. I use to say she is an artist and she needs that... )

´well...I .... hm..... and then I slept over at his place´
´haha, oh my god, Milla´(I am such a fucking good actress. and it s even the more amusing to think that I actually told my other friend to watch out over her when I left to go home....obviously she didn t do a good job, alas....but that was very fortunate for Milla. And yes, I do want her to be happy and balanced out on her birthday. But man, she has a boyfriend. Aaargh. 'A nice one...) ´was it at least good? That is, was he good???´

Curious I was. In a way it isn t that bad to get some information beforehand.

´oh yes, sure it was, I mean...I can t tell you everything here on the phone (yes, women do share details from time to time but I sometimes prefer not to...) but yeah it was nice and good to be holden you know...but it was kind of ... SHORT´

(Great, hehehehe! But who knows, maybe its your fault. This guy IS fucking dangerous and mean. Playing the innocent shy guy, oh so held back and stuff and then he is just your average geek who is going to a club in order to get laid. I mean, we all do, but hey, if so, lets do it with some style. And ahm, lets do it right, right???)

´short, so so....(chuckles)... Milla, relax and have a nice day.´
´He told me he d call me tonight although I first didn t want to see him again´
´he is hot, no doubts´

poor Milla. Guys hit so easily on her but they drop her as quickly as they hit on her. IT s sad.
(I do have sad stories though, too, and I don t have her looks!)

I hung up and suddenly I felt so disgusted by the thought that if she hadn´t told me I maybe would have gone down all the way with him, and ladies and gentlemen, nothing is more disgusting than the thought that not long ago this guy was inside a very good friend of yours. Its simply...wrong, somehow. You don t fuck with friends.
And what, if I had fallen for him? What, if she just broke my heart now? I know, it s pointless to ask these questions but still. Her birthday is not a free ride to dance on my soul, right? At least she felt ashamed. It s not really fair still. Is it...