even worse. may i introduce a complete idiot to you?

here we go. I had the feeling sth special will happen today. The sun was shining in the morning, a good sign already.
indeed, special it was.
I waited two hours for the cops. It was 10 something PM when it happened. I just came back from work. we waited until midnight. In the rain. Remeber? The sun led me astray. The special incident that I felt was coming up was a bad one. Another accident. My fault. No lights on the bike, driving on the sidewalk, over redlight. WEll, I tried to catch the green thats why i was so fast. But I hit the car. Luckily the bike didn't get harmed. It s a very expensive bike. From a friend's sister. Yeah. And the guy's car was in fact his mother in law's car. Yeah. That's why he insisted on calling the cops. Because, hey, whom can you trust in this crazy fucked up society, eh? Especially when you are 33 and have been fooled more than once.

I guess I am a really rare species on this planet. The dumb, trusting, naive girl I am. *sobs*. Oh, boy. I tried to keep the tears back as good as I could. Suddenly I felt how the cold cool waves ebbed in and I retreated in my shell and was totally icy cool outside. That happened to me already a couple of times whenever sth horrible happened. I think then immediately: well, Piranha, you didn't deserve it better. Thats what happens when you are such a fool who is not down to earth no more. What are all those fancy luxury feelings and thoughts about David anyhow. You are circeling around yourself all the time like flies around horseshit. Come on, thats the reality you are living in! Red and Green TRAFFIC LIGHTS! and lights for BIKES, dammit, you fucking hate those bikers when you are driving cars! man, you are the one you curse out usually! you are the one you hate! So here is what you get"! Its called KARMA baby, and it comes around and round!.

Whee.

As we were shivering and waiting we got to know each other a little. How funny to meet a person I wouldn't ever ever never ever have met otherwise. He was kind of cool, but I was so reserved, as opposed to usual, but I was really busy keeping myself together, fighting tears, a heavy heart, as heavy as concrete bullshit, and selfhating tirades....
The cops finally came, and fuck, they also just took my address. Man, we waited two hours just because you cannot possibly believe anybody in a huge city no more. FUck that!

It made me recall all the accidents I already had in my life and I decided that I am a walking mess, a fucked up idiot, a endangerment for the world and yes, this is the wrong, the fucking wrong world I am living in. Oh man. It s all too much for me. All those feelings and thoughts and machines and things in this world. Wow. It s so absurd, SO ABSURD. and i am an idiot. totally.
I see all my money dwindle down for this dent in his mother in law's car. fuck. I am saving for my ticket to LA!. Dammit.

When I finally went home I started sobbing like an idiot. I sobbed and sobbed and the rain hid my tears pretty well. Thanks rain. Thanks. I understood my mom who cried so hard whenever she had an accident and I understand her so well, oh yeah. its like hitting the ground very very hard when you were actually somewhere else in your mind.

Oh david, you fucking spooky ghost, leave me alone. What can I do. I am in love and I don't know the person I am associating with this love. Its so -.idiotic. Idiocy. yeah. my life.

This is too much now. this is even worse. I have to get reasonable get everything done what I need to get done and forget about all my dreamy fucked up romantic and tragic feelings. fuck that fuck that fuck that fuck that Piranha. fuck that. simply. fuck it. rah!

and my next post will be about all the accidents I ever had in my life, and ladies and gentlemen, for being 22 there were too many to be true.