I just did it

I just did it and wrote him again. QUickly, quickly pressed the to send button and whooooooooops, there it goes, unretrievabla, the mail rushing through the hot venes of the internet, reaching its destiny and I never ever can make this not happen.

I thought, after my accident just now, that life is too short for waiting for too long. What if I fucking die tomorrow, there might be more idiots like me outthere in the traffic. Or who knows what else could happen. Maybe I stick my finger in an power outlet and die. What the fuck.
And yeah, although I really really would love to do the crazy movie type sort of thing which I had planned to do tonight (which was printing out 100 or 200 of copies of a poster of my painting for him with something written on it so he would understand and place them everywhere in the subway he has to take to get to his district and also everywhere in his district and then see what happens) I thought fuck it and just wrote following email, I mean, what the heck. I bumped into a car thinking of him and waited in the rain for two hours for the fucking cops to come, there is no point in spending even more time for him tonight. I am going to a salsa club now, but god only know how, because I am still under shock and don't dare to drive my bike no more.

so here is the mail finally, please let me know what you think about it. is it stupid? okay? whatever?


They say love makes you do all sorts of crazy things. I d do really really crazy things if I stayed here for longer but in fact I feel that I am running out of time thats why I make a fool out of myself contacting you again.

The point is, I would like to take your silence as a clear sign in itself, but as much as my reason wants to do this my heart runs amok and throws every little bit of hope into the arena and wants me to do these crazy things. Well well. Love and hope would find no investors, really, if they were enterprises. The past has proven too many times that they are fickle and unreliabla and often a failure. But hearts don't care, hope never dies and thats why I can't take your silence as a clear sign as I maybe should. I don't understand you because I don't know you and you are a guy. As far as I have understood myself I realize that there is a fight going on between reason and foolish heart energy and I simply simply cannot forget you. It s so horrible. It s already five weeks ago, and okay, it s maybe not long compared to a lifetime but boy, it s an experience for my little self. It s not that I cannot take it, I have loved someone over the course of five years who couldn't return the love and I survived and was able to take it, I mentioned it in an earlier mail.

IT s just that I think that I DESERVE a response, a respectful treatment, because there are always two involved and you have some responsibility here, unfortunately. I am sorry for bothering you if I do. Really, but I have to insist on a respectful treatment. Whcih includes letting me know whats on your mind and why you don't see/call me although you said I can bet you want to do that. When you said I can bet I actually knew that it wasn't going to happen but also then my heart wouldn't let me kill you in my mind. I am sure you have your reasons and I respect them even though I don't know them. Really.

So what I am asking for are two things. Please, do me a favor. WRite me or call me and tell me that we are NOT going to see each other again and that you don't want to and it s the best and we still have a nice magic memory and can preserve that. I need that for my sanity. Or see me. But if so, not with much talking and bullshit but showing some action. I still would prefer seeing you. of course.

The other thing is actually not asking for a favor. I would love to give you something. The question is how I can give it to you. I could store it in some cafe in eberswalder maybe and you can go and get it there.. . My dad told me once that artwork sometimes can be like a child. He said this in a response to my wish to having children and I totally got his point. Now, if this is true, we have a baby. You inspired it and I gave birth to it and I would love to give it to you as a present because it is a beautiful little baby and it d be good for me to give it away and it might be, if you allow it to be, special for you, too. It s always good to have something that reminds us of incidents in our lives and to wake us up from our daily routines. Who knows, what this painting would do for you but I know that I would love to give it to you before I leave to Los Angeles. Me leaving for a year is by the way a major reason why I am not trying to get you out of your patchy relationship. This, and my respect for relationships and your integrity and hers. You have loved her and probably still do and it s great that this is possible.and it s good to dig deeper.

piranha