negation

'But I feel bad not staying with you. I am the director of the play and I don't want you to waste your whole night on this stuff here...'
'Relax, its just the way I work. See, at Starbucks I work efficiently. You order an Grande-Frappuchino-light-ice-blended-coffee-mocha-coconut-without-whipcream? --- No problem! In two minutes it ll be there, waiting for you at the bar... blabla! But this...this is different, you know, you cannot ask me to do the lights for your play and then expect me to do it the easy way :). You know piranha cannot help but make a piece of art out of everything.... *chuckle* just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone now please okay? I need to play piano first and then sit and think and eat probably and then play piano or curse or whatever and then try to figure out how this fucking lightboardthing works. You are the one who is going to waste her time here....'

She left. Finally. *deep sigh*, finally I am alone. After a very nice dinner with Haik with whom I had a very provocative and inspiring conversation throughout the evening I needed to be by myself. (Haik is the guy/photographer who talked to me in the subway telling me he likes women with - chinn! lol) David couldn't make it to go out dancing. With 30 you obviously have a hard working routine and cannot party like, every weekend. LOL.
I start wondering.
Wondering about how I have failed to meet genuine and real controversion throughout the last year although I have studied together with students from all over the world, liberal arts, thought provoking stuff.
I needed to meet this guy who has diametrically different opinions than I do to understand that I am as stuck as the rest of the world. Amazing. The readiness to change opinions is very low. People talk to each other but basically only convey their standpoint, listening to the other only for the sake of finding the weak points in his or her worldview or argument but not to really understand them. Dammit, thats so fucking tricky. I don't want that really.

Wondering about this wonderful story SAR wrote on her blog. Its a beautiful one and suddenly I wound up thinking about it in relation to my current situation.

Negation. The 'earth's mistress' (how the main character is called amongst other names people, cultures, countries have given her throughout history) negates her love in the end in order to preserve the earth, love, life: (directly quoted from Sar's blog!)

"I did the craziest thing a woman could do... On the one man who filled my soul to its entirety with so much love night after night, I spoke against him the word of wrath. On the same man who whenever I reached for his hand I always found, I uttered against him the cry of guilt…“Take him away.” I said softly to those who ate no offerings and drank no libations, who accepted no gifts. And they did."

See, I was in a huge predicament these days. I knew that David wanted to go out with me and I knew that I would have been open for anything, despite all my talking about how I would not interfere, by no means!, in a relationship and mess up my karma by making love to a guy who is in a serious relationship. I knew that I wanted to. I wanted to take this with me to Los Angeles, at least, as a gift for myself.
But yeah, in a way that sounds almost as pathetic as buying a xmas present for myself. However, thats not the point here. The point is negation
What, if I negate this feeling, this urge to express the love we felt.

What if I sacrifice my desire and burning love?
would it do any good?
whose world, which world, life, love would it save/preserve?
Can negating love open ways for another, yet bigger, all encompassing love to come? Would it make me stronger? Would it make me capable of loving even in a deeper and more exciting way than before?

I don't know. But I have this strange feeling that I have to listen to this voice within now.
N E G A T E

And you will be given