attempt to recapture the world as it looks like in complete turmoil

thanksgiving

in itself already problematic for me


okay, forget it. lets face the facts, lets go eat turkey (i tried it, although i am vegetarian. bah!)
but uh no, my sister wants to stay at home, is in a bad mood, all this mess in the house, you, you guys just go, i stay here.

'can i help you here sis?'

and then she jumped into my face. tore me into pieces. i spoiled little brat, egotistical ...just add some bad things here.
to be honest, i wasn't surprised and i had been waiting for that in some weird way already since quite a while.....
i stand there and i listen. i decide in my head to fucking close this blog, she knows the address, what i wrote here the last couple of weeks surely does not shed a better light on my case. consumed by my little sorry confused life i was. matter of fact, proved right here
but then again, it s only a distorted mirror of reality. it s a strange choice i make what to write about. sometimes random, sometimes planned. oh my god, i am trippin. my brother in law just stepped up behind me and in panic i closed the laptop. damn, what in the freakin fuck am i scared of?

so i stand there and feel like so often like in the eye of the storm; strangely calm, standing still but strong, listening to what she really wants to say and just waiting, nodding with my head to signal i understand...

after a while she gets quieter. my responses are quiet so it calms her down to.
i hardly can hold my tears back. oh my god.
it s just that when somebody tells me sth bad about me i always tend to give them right immediately, unconditionally.
i hate defending myself because i feel like a barking dog then. you know the saying.....the dog that feels guilty barks the loudest.....
so i just listen and try to fight the tears and try to think clearly, try to compare her version of the last past month (the first month is excused as an 'adjusting month') with my version.
in many points i agree with her, in some i know that she preceived it wrongly. not that it makes me a better person, but when it comes down to feelings, intentions and motivations i know the best what it was when it concerns me, right? she knows best, how it came across for her.
i sit there and i cry and i sobb and i tell her that i really don't want to be that person that she just described. she is not the first one to call me egotistical in my family. matter of fact, and that is funny in a way, everybdoy said that this side of me would make me the best match to live with her. ha - ha.

i hear her. i under-stand her ideas on family, emotional investment, love being a decision. making sacrifices at the right time at the right place, working for free as opposed to working for money, especially when it is family. helpin out when it is family....i feel her.

and suddenly i feel like this is the ground making of our relationship.
i haven't seen my sister most of my life. the first time i could remember her clearly i was seven and her daughter was born in our house. then they left and i didn't see her for ten years. then i didn't saw her for another four years and then last year in london for a weekend. and now i am here for at least six months, as i set myself as a minimum to let things happen as they will happen with us and me here in los angeles....so how could we expect this to be easy? we feel like sister, we want to be sisters, but we don't know how to be sisters with each other, - she of course says thats not the point and it is sth general about emotional investment, having it or not, but for me it is more that....the finding out part....because i know i do feel emotional investment in an abstract way (that of course is bullshit for her but whatever) but did not put it inot practice because i just AM like that, that i withdraw myself. i just go. not always, this time i did because......

i came here with all this good advice of all my family members who had visited and lived with her previously. and maybe i took some advice to serious. maybe i overdid some. maybe i am really just egotistical and lazy. and incompetent and impotent or rather a little asshole who is only going to work well when there is money waving from far away.
well, to set things straight, i am not. i thought about it more than once. the original intention for me to come here was 1. to help my niece. i have the feeling i can help her in some way and wanted to at least be here so if that was true i could do that. 2. the musicians institute and improving my guitar playing for my own sanity 3. to get to know my sister who looks so similar to me although she is 15 years older and we share only the same momma.
so money was never really an issue. also the prospect of them paying my school one day once my niece makes it maybe big wasn't really a choice in my conscious mind. i always tell people that i ll probably pay 100 $ a month for the rest of my life for this school.
so, i think this advice i had from everybody as how to deal with the situation and my own slow pace in finding out how i can be best within that situation and give my best, and my own huge anticipations and fears prior to coming here and their expectations they never really formulated either created this huge misunderstanding that made me back up within myself and withdraw my emotional investment, going away, just like her husband used to do, instead of confronting....

it s funny how i share traits of his character and in the same time so many with her......

and i love her so much....

i don't want her to hate me.

i decided there that no matter what anybody says, i am going to establish my own opinion and understanding for her and even though people say that she always can convince you of her case, i don't care. i am convinced and i dig her points.
we spent a fabulous time together after this fight.
we sewed my nieces fashion in one night for the photo shoot today, we had sisterly talks, and her whole family is sort of different towards me now....the kids are so connected and loyal to her that they immediately mirror her attitude towards me........

so i refocus, make a decision and try to bust my ass more. for my family.

thanks god gipsy supports me doing that......

that night i thought: damn. right. love is a decision......i gotta make one now too.

but today i know i am allright....i am allright, as long as the family is allright...as long as my relationship with my family is healthy.............