update of my private life for some inpatient people (man, didn't you enjoy my attempts to write poetry???damn....)

so, Arim, here is the update...

my life in Los Angeles....first things first! one of these days i gonna buy a digital camera and obifromsouthlondon, i will then post pics here - LA how I see it....
oh and it will be gorgeous...i am starting to connect and, wooops, as soon as i open up the good stuff is happening....found finally a decent, what am I saying, a GORGEOUS underground club that is actually open until 6 AM, you can smoke in one of those gorgeous beautiful rooms (with lots of art, posters, writings....) and in the main room (plus adjacent chill out rooms with a real piano in there yeha) you can only smoke pot.....'it comes with the culture', as an old rastafari explained to me.
I ate a whole cookie, chocolate chip i believe it was, thinking it contained Marihuana. *giggles* I am so dumb and naive, it s just unbelievable. i actually ate this cookie because i felt i want to get high. yeah. a cookie, finally, man, i really felt like i want to do this. and then all i got from it is some unnecessary additional calories. hahaha. yeah. thats Piranha life. i cannot and cannot escape those calories, no matter how hard i try (well i don't really try ....i admit.....but thats why i am being told all the time that my body is so gorgeous. hahaha. oh man.....MEN!!!)
the cool thing about this club is (and i am raving on and on about it in all my letters to my friends) that you don't know about it when you don't know about it. sounds logical, huh? the point is, however, that they don't advertise at all. just mouth to mouth propaganda.
and in my case, i HAVE to praise the childish curiosity and openess inside of me for this matter, I stopped because this girl was singing and playing guitar behind this fence....yeah. and i stopped, we talked and voila, there we went.....open mic night, me and my wife (yes, she is NOT really my wife and she is straight!) wanted to recite Jaques Prevert "je suis comme je suis..." (I am how I am...) in spoke word and guitar/singing but i got so shitfaced from my wife's whiskey and this rum punsch that a random sexy motherfucker bought for me that I actually threw up (well i made myself throw up) for the first time in my whole life. Man, seriously, i felt so SO BAD and sick, that i had to make myself spit this shit out.....i guess that all happened because, miraculously and very uncommonly i had forgotten to eat this day and thats why I got drunk so quickly...i mean, yeah, i am not a good drinker anyways, and honestly, i also don't really see the meaning and sense and cool thing about it, but matter of fact, i was bad off.

what i did was i called Sean (i wrote about him in one of my previous posts) later and asked him whether i could stay at his place. it was the freakin same day he had asked me per short message texting whether i would like to sleep with him, after weeks and weeks and weeks of flirting. luckily he couldn't help me, was working at nights (i can relate to that, am a night worker too) and so i ended up calling my wife, she didn't pick up her phone and Jean wasn't at home either and I was stuck on Hollywood Boulevard and figured that I just had to spend another night in one of those practice labs in my school....
somehow, however, i impulsively decided I d call Jayjay, the guy I had an affair with lately...he is this motherfucking sexy asshole who I met in Byrds the other night, when I was with my wife and her friends out there....

.for some reason, I had to watch their stuff while they went outside to smoke (yeah, in the US, dear German friends, we smoke OUTSIDE< yeah) I started to talk to those guys, you know, the typical LA type of guys "oh, you are musician? i can put you on a show like in two weeks" (me "yeah sure, how do you like it? doggy style? SM? tender and slow?....fuck that!!!") and one of them, a sexy African American DJ, introduces me to the owner of the bar, a rocking lady in her midforties or so, and after a few words ("i am from Berlin" -"this is the first bar I dig out here! it s cool!" i really thought so by the way) it turns out she loves FUNK as much as I do....so she puts on some FUNKY music and says over the mic that it is for me, 'piranha from berlin and her birthday!' well, haha, so be it, and she puts me up there in this cage thing where I had to dance. yiha!!! i was just swept away by the music, my wife took pics, they look HORRIBLE!!!hahaha, but it was great. i had so much fun, everybody was cheering in the bar and i got a couple of freedrinks....apparaently one LA chick down there in the crowd murmured to her friend, but my wife heard it, that she is a professional dancer and she d show me how it goes and shit, and when she went up there after me she just circled her ass around like some cheap late night sports stripping on German TV but I cheered for her anyways and she was quite puzzled as to the fact that i didn't view this as a competition....
anyways, when we had to leave that club (yeah, at two they close down...assholes...) I wound up talking to this motherfucking sexy asshole i was talking about earlier. this other guy, the DJ, had told me earlier that this guy is also a musician and shit, and so i start talking to him and we both just try to be the alpha animal in the game , as he put it later, acting all cool.....i asked him for a cigarette and he is like 'if you give me a kiss' and i refused and blablabla, somehow we start talking about portraits and that i would portray him for his studio if he likes and he says he draws too and would like to draw me and blabla, and later, i was talking to other guys

(oh yet another story! there was this nerdy type of boy, small, ugly and a genious kick ass drawer/painter/graphicist whose contact i wrote down, you know, business, you never know....and his friend comes up and says, yeah he is so kick ass, and it s so wonderful to give him kisses on his forehead, he is perfect for that (i guess he mean the size but whatever) and i said, well, i d prefer to kiss him on his mouth and then we kissed, and halleluja, he was a DAMN GREAT kisser! i mean, people, the outer appearance is so damn misleading at times....but anyways, that was a fun little episode inbetween....)

i saw he was about to leave and I walk up to him and say 'see, i don't give kisses for cigarettes, i give only unconditional kisses, and i d like to give you one'
so i kiss him on his cheek and he says, wow, can i have one more and i say yeah sure, whereever you want and he points on his mouth and i give him a kiss...and as he is trying to kiss him I say 'fuck, no, no kissing back, I am the kisser here, you gotta control yourself. no kissing back' so he does that and i say, cool, what about the drawing. you still wanna draw me?
he says yes sure, when?"
i say i don't know
he says now"
i say yeah why not
and we leave in a yellow cab.

my wife, of course, checked everything out before that, and as we say in German, fools, children and drunk say the truth and she was all the three of it so i didn't worry about her judgemental capabilities.
i know, i know, it sounds all so freakin stupid and naive, but matter of fact I DO rely on my intuition and it was all ok so far.
so we get to his little appartment somewhere on santa monica boulevard and i undress myself and pose on the bed and he really starts painting me. we are listening to Badu meanwhile and he knows all the lyrics and just goes crazy about them......truly appreciative ......he really concentrates hard, the painting is shitty but i don't say it, it is so cute how he concentrates and tries not to get hot and shit.....
later, when he is done, we just lie on his bed and talk about life, Badu, and suddenly start laughing as we realize that we both thought about each other 'what in the fuck does this chick/dude think she/he is? masks.....alpha animals..." the evening takes such an unexpected turn.....i talk about this wall i was experiencing the last weeks, i mean it s always been there but i sort of started tackeling that issue just lately, after my New York experience.....and i say, i cannot help it, but as you talk to me and we get closer in a matter of seconds, i feel how i rise it and i start fighting it and start crying over it, because thats what happens always when i try to tear that wall down (yeah, TEAR it down, hehe, nice word pun...) and so i cry in his arms and HE IS COOL ABOUT IT. no problem! and now, show me a guy who can actually take a girl crying! all men i know are paranoid about that....jesus......after hours, so it seems, he asks me suddenly whether he now can kiss me back and it is so much better, just as he said, and it is wonderful.....he stops and says, i think we shouldn't go down all the way....' i think we shouldn't.
man, i am impressed, haha, i mean, i haven't heard a guy say that often.......but then, in the end, love in the moment, and i believe it was true love in the moment because it was such a special moment, we are overwhelmed and let it happen anyways.......

so that is Jayjay....i was so crazy about him after that, that i really wanted to see him again, but the second time was shitty. it was good sex, no doubt, but he really pissed me off whith his attitude.....so i decided that i wouldn't call him again, regard it as one of those beautiful once in a lifetime experiences and concentrate on all those other boys and men i am dealing with in the moment (my little gipsy, Sean, my crush, Keita, my admirer, Luis, the loser....)
but as I was walking drunk on Hollywood Blvd I suddenly decided he would be the guy to call right then...so i did, he was totally cool, said he would come and meet me so we could take a cab home to his place....
so he did, and in the first moments he was really distant sort of, obviously he thought that i just needed a place to stay at so thats why i called him. at his house he said, go to sleep or whatever, i don't care. but then i explained him that i didn't really need a place to STAY but to BE. i could have easily stayed at my school done that before. ....but being there with him, was what i wanted, spontaneously....so we started talking again and he is talking about his life and his realizations these days and man, i could relate so well to all he said and the lovemaking was sweet and wonderful.
so i really don't know where this is going to lead me.....

because, obviously i am putting myself in a difficult situation...the next morning my gipsy called me (although I had told him that i need a break from hanging out with him....we really spent too much time the last week.....and i don't know, but when he said, one night as we were laying in the motor home innocently next to each other (yeah, we are so innocent it is not funny anymore, but i enjoy it SO much. and strangely enough I feel like a virgin with him...i feel like...man, i can't have sex with this guy because that eventually would be love making, and hell, yeah, i admit that i am scared of that like hell.....and funnily enough i have to admit and see that meeting him appear to be a repetitive act of life/destiny as to teach me sth that i don't yet get...he reminds me in many ways of my ex in Berlin that i had to break up with last winter.....except for my ex, man, we fit together like puzzles in a game, his body was strong enough for my body, it was so perfect and i miss that a lot....and his kisses so fucking breathtakingly amazing...with my gipsy it isn't that evidently matching...he is skinny....and not the best kisser of my life, but thats beside the point. he is a great and very important person in my life and matter of fact, right now i miss him TERRIBLY. aaargh) well, back to the story, when he said then 'i think i love you' - the next day, dear readers, i was RUNNING! my wife noticed that, she said, fuck Piranha, why don't you call your Gipsy, when i was drunk. Don't call Sean, did you see his hair it is DIRTY (well in fact he really has not the cleanest looking LOOOONG dreads), what are you running from????"
but hey, i have never said i don't run. in fact, i always say in advance that i am a runaway bride.
but the cool thing about my gipsy is, that he understands that. he lets me run. he lets me grow my garden, he understands that all those boys and men that play a role right now in my life are not a fruitsalad that i just eat, but that they are flowers in my garden...and that i need to take care of them in very special and different ways.....
of course he doesn't know that i have sex with Jay jay but man, thats a really unnecessary thing to tell a guy who was heartbroken at age 17, walking into his girlfriend having sex with a 40 year old dude!!!!!!


so this morning at Jayjay's place my gipsy calls me, ALTHOUGH i told him i was gone, that the 'whild child full of grace' as he calls me, is making me trouble.....but yeah, he calls anyways and minutes later Eddy, the guy who wrote me a loveletter after we had made out with each other (i had met him in a club and later i found out he has a girlfriend and told him to fuck off and fix things with his girlfriend)...he came back into my life because of that letter...we met a second time and just talked, it was awesome, he is a really really special person and then he gave me a kiss and said, thats to memorize me, and left for good. nwo it was my turn on saying that i couldn't take THAT and proposed that we d spend a night at this magic bay i know to REALLY have sth to memorize....a once in a lifetime thing.....after hick hack back and forth he called me a 'romantic visionary' and man, maybe we gonna do that! and i am really looking forward to it! and i do not right now care about his girlfriend...man, i REGRETTED to having let David from Zimbabwe go in Berlin. I ain't gonna do that no more! a special encounter can count and be valuable and right in its own terms, out of space and time, and i feel we can do that....i feel we can.....you know, guys, i think these days, that love, in a not concentrated form, is POLYGAM, whereas relationships always should be monogam....and how to find a balance within that, is everybodys very own business.....

see, what predicament i putmyself in....being at jayjays, having two ot those beautiful flowers in my garden call me.....the gardener is busy...yeah....


then yesterday and today i spend a lot of time with my gispy, after calming down a bit.....he is the only one i actually take home and spend a lot of my spare time with.....we listen to bob dylan and rage against the machine and joplin in his car that his cousins stole for him (bad bad!), he watches me sleep in his arms, takes me and my brother to the beach and just sits there and plays the guitar while we are swimming.....and we talk and hold hands and kiss each other....and i miss him so much right now.....
and i am trying to figure out what i wanna do about Sean.....thats very strange now, he doesn't answer my text messages and maybe thats better anyways....i wanted to have mindsex with Sean in the first place...and he seems to not get that.......whatever...life is a rollercoster when you jump into it and thats where i am right now: IN THE BIG BIG LOOP