'do you know what your problem is?'

well, hum, yes, no, i tried to find out, yeah, even here, you witnessed it, trying to dig out some shit out of the dark, just to see how it would be whitherin, whining and shivering in the light and maybe transform or evaporate.
but my problem?
well, hell, tell!

your problem is you need devotion to something bigger, greater than anything in life.

dang. yeah. hell yeah, i guess thats what i am looking for ever since i am a kid. at times i thought i knew right now i feel like i have abandoned everything i was clinging to earlier. clear ship as we use to say in German. and lost as to know what it is that i actually want.

i almost started crying, unexpectedly. i was really surprised by that, that sort of reaction was really the least i thought i would have to that stupid a statement. but the way he said it and also who it said just poked me right into the heart...Keita just sees right through me. He sees my wall. When I said that i feel that we have a connection he shook his head and said slowly 'no i don't think so'
just imagine that. you just have a gorgeous deep conversation with somebody, you feel chemistry happen, magic, energy....and then you confess you feel that there is a connection and the person in question just says 'no'.
then he said 'there is this wall Piranha. i can't get through. it s hard...'
i was puzzled. everybody who knows me up there in MI would say the opposite. they would all say that i am one of the most open, extrovertive, gorgeous, accessible person on campus or shit like that. they are all dazzled by how openminded and people loving and flirtative i am.
but keita just cuts right through. damn.

later this evening i was sitting in the first beautiful restaurant that i have found here on Hollywood boulevard. a French copy....My wife (a joke, yes) and me had applepie, espresso and a cigarette. danny calls up, my wife gives permission for him to come, we talk, she leaves and we stay.

it gets dark. colder, a candle.
we talk, again, a wonderful conversation. he is number four of the four guys (well by now i guess already five) who want to date me....or something like that..... a beautiful person, ah.

'do you know what your problem is?'

dang. haven't i heard that already sometime today? keita. I laugh. tell me.
you have to be cautious. i am afraid that you destroy yourself. don't smoke. i am afraid because you are such a magnificent person and you are so trustful. that is beautiful but there is bad out there. please be careful. if not for you, for my sake...

this got me into explaining my whole life philosophy and how i can back it up with my experiences i had so far and that he doesn't need to worry because i am being cautious and i am not taking the good for granted and i feel prepared to fight if needed and i don't mind the bad.(that was the short version)
so we kept on talking, being silent, touching each others hands, looking at each other, smiling, wondering,

'strange, isn't it?' he asked
indeed.
all those feelings....where they come from? i don't know...
probably by just letting them be.....allowing them to be there, to grow......he is a gypsie...that is my safety belt. i feel i can open up to him because he won't mind that i am not a cage bird....

'i am so glad i met you again! i am sure we meet somewhere before...it was strong and beautiful...'

i look at him and i feel how i rise the wall inside. i always do it the same way. i look straight into the persons eyes, open, challening, smiling, straight forward but strong. thats the point. i am not escaping or shit, but confronting in a smilling way. i put out there a wall of energy that protects me, nobody can fucking access that space that i create by that.
i feel how it is rising. i look straight into his eyes. i smile.
and then keita crosses my mind.
the wall.
i lose eyecontact. i look away and try to pull and tear it all down. the wall rises up again. i tear it back down. it rises up again. i think 'shit, the wall, i don't want the wall to fucking rise again, there is no reason for it to be there, just don't let it happen again...'
tear down
rise up
tear down
tear
tears are rolling down my face. i can't help it. i can't help it.


damn, what a fucking emotional rollercoster today. how comes they suddenly see all through me....and touch me....


when i saw jean i had to give her a hug, tell her, damn i cried...i can't believe it.....
she looks at me with this sweet smile and says: honey, will you get your period tomorrow or something?
dang!
it s my last day....

so now what does that mean