vitality

i just found another gorgeous cafe in hollywood! it s the second or third, if you include that cool club i was talking about in my last post. it s called Karma cafe and man, there is NO RACISM of furniture there! it s all mixed up, different styles, beautiful light, plants, art, oh MAN IT S SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!! me and gipsy landed there on a search for somewhere to sit during our monday after noon walking around time (holding hands and kissing like lovebirds....so sweet....)and it took me like ten minutes to calm down so excited i was about the beauty we just found....the bartenders name was duffy and he made me gorgeous tea in a beautiful cup. A REAL BEAUTIFUL CUP! folks, I AM EXCITED!!! thats food for the soul, that all together. then, the music. awwww! man!!!woman!!! weooow! at some point they played 'yesterday' and everyone in that cafe sang along...it was so joyful. there was this one guy, old old guy, dressed in a beautiful way sort of, with a hat, long beard. and he just sat there, and it looked like he was merged into the seat, as if he was part of the furniture....hm....

so gipsy and I sit there, just being close to each other, argueing a little bit still about what we were talking in the street: how our body is our temple and we should take responsibility for it...
all of the sudden, i lean on his chest and just look into eternity, tears roll down my face...pmsing i guess, or just allowing myself being soft...when i do that i often start crying for no reason...it is this sadness underlying everything, somehow. strange thing that, but he understands. asks, but lets it be when i can't answer....

he says i shouldn't smoke. i say i don't like it anymore anyways. at least today i didn't. i hated it. so i didn't smoke. you shouldn't destroy yourself he says. i say, yes i know, dammit, but it takes a lot more to destroy ME. you know. well, what, you can tell me what to do but i can't tell you he asks. (i was explaining him he should eat organic food and good stuff because he only eats once a day and his body is of course, in this case, taking everything it can out of the food, so it better be good, right???he is destroying himself otherwise....) no i say, you can tell me whatever you like, but still it is a matter of fact that it takes a lot more to destroy me, you know. i can take a lot. i have a lot of substance.
he is like 'what, do you want to say i am hollow or shit?'
no, it s not like that, but i am more....i have more energy,,,sort of...hm, you know i don't mean that judgemental, it s just the way it is...don't you think so....i am just more vital than you are!'
face it gispy!

and then i try to explain, and as so often i understand myself also just by explaing something to others:

here we go. how couldn't i be vital. i lived 18 YEARS...i am 22 now, so four out of 22 years i did NOT live there, but 18 years i did (yeah, yeah, i ll get to the point shut up already!) live on a hill in the black forest, with a broad broad view all the way across the Rhein valley to the Swiss alps...at times the fogg would cover the whole valley and the hills stick out like islands..the comfort of my mom who longed out to alaska and the pacific ocean all this time....behind me the hill/mountain, covered with fairy tale woods, up to the old tower where we would make campfired and sleep with out daddy....i spent 18 YEARS there...cows, horses, sheep....at nights sneaking into this public swimming pool..idyllic.....full moon.....running out when the heavy summer rains falls, naked as children, later just in PJ's, running with my sisters through the evening, leaning into the strong wind, leaning against waving trees......running throuh high grass, playing orphans, robber and police, indians and cowboys, sitting in trees for hours and hours, reading, running through the wood, telling stories to myself, admiring and breathing in the beauty of nature...the little river streams....blocking them with stones and earth, creating little pools....later i went a lot of horseback riding or training in the mornings in the woods......a world of its own, throwing all the baggage away that you collect in school, everyday life....being knights, native americans, fairytale princesses and elves and dwarfs....we d build little castles for dwarfs, and believed in them, gave them food and sometimes there would be a precious stone lying there, as a gift back, of course it was my mom, now i know, but still....climbing the most difficult trees as a challenge...sitting in trees to protect them from being cut down.....
singing EVERY night, and praying, with my mom. praying before every meal (well, later in our teenage years that got more and more seldom, but still...), driving up this fucking hill with the bike, almost collapsing, being so proud when looking down at the lights of the city....this world, i felt then, this world belongs to me!

playing piano early in the morning in this big hall of the boarding school my dad worked at. having my own strawberry field, working in the garden with my dad. seeing the sunflowers grow....getting milk DIRECTLY from the farmer. (folks, you DON"T KNOW, what real milk tastes like!), cleaning the barn, taking care of the horses...acting...we had parties, my friends and I, when I was 15, where we would just put together whatever we have to eat, in this hall of the boarding school in our house, make music together or listen to music and play theater. just invent something, improvise. no drugs, no bullshit, just living creativity. being laughed at by the kids in the boarding school who all were there because of said things, drugs, bullshit, but we had fun anyways. cleaning up the river, tons and tons of garbage. investigating in our village who is responsible for that. hostility. exciting research, creating a garbage monster, going to the market and making people aware of that problem.....you know....how, tell me, how could i NOT BE VITAL???
relatively great family. we had bad bad fights, we did, man, at age 13 i had the feeling i lost my SMILE. laughter....but all in all it was beautiful.
EVERYDAY music in the house! i was practicin flute, piano, guitar...my sister violin, the other sister Cello, my brother trumpet...in the eveing my mom would play this special flute out of cupper and guitar...alaskan songs....the roses in front of our house, oh they smelled soooo soo fine....you d take a deep breath every time you enter the house, magic smell, fulfills and nourishes your soul...sitting in a meadow, for hours, writing, reading, crying....sleeping....phantasie at its best....inventing stories....dreaming.....about the world. me the captn of a sailing ship, in it, stiring it, taking care of the oceans that i dind't have, the whales, dolphins, the people, that i love so much.

the worst thing would be to be forbidden to read. we didn't have tv, so i read a lot. bad bad ;-)

then my school, a gorgeous school, one day i ll post about it. waldorf school for those who know. it was a good one. lots of handcrafts, sports, culture, man, i know how to weave, how to black smith, to make bowls out of cupper, to make a cupboard and ktichen device out of wood, how to sew, design, knit, all that...to make books....played in an orchestra for 7 years. 7 YEARS of orchestra, just imagine that...every week harmony written into your soul. and practice....*sighs*, breathe in breathe out....that was wonderful. good good friends. my classmates were awesome, my teachers were mostly awesome. a little provincal town, small, quiet, nice, close to Basel, an international little city, beautiful, beautiful, lost of culture, all you need.
later when i was older i would go partying there, with my best friend, stay up until 6 take the first train home. my parents didn't know, they trusted me anyways.

what a life

and how, how could i NOT BE VITAL after all this? it is mathematics.



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and thats the reason why i feel i want to give so much back to this world. i don't want to be a sucker. i want to be a reflector. thats why i feel like that FIRST. of course also because i am piscies and piscies supposedly always feel like they have to follow a duty first before they can have fun, but whatever whatever, thats how i feel like....i love you so much world, and i want to show that to you