'All I want is to make you happy'
Having said this. Tell me, tell me, how do you want to make me happy?
I tell you something (*giggles* - whenever I say 'I tell you something' he says: 'oh oh, I am getting in trouble!!!' lol)
it's like saying 'please cum with me'. It puts a pressure on me. And of course I am not cumming then.... I am fucking depressed right now. I can't help it. I try not to let it out when I am around people and then you ask me why I am only depressed around you. Because you are my boyfriend, my lover, because I can be more myself around you than around them. That's kinda sad, huh?
It's a vicious circle. It frustrates you, makes you afraid that I'd leave without you, makes you feel bad, like you hold me back from being and doing stuff that d make me happy, makes you lessen the efforts to please me, make me happy. 'Because it's never enough, you won't ever be happy'
I sit back, think of my mother, how she never was truly happy. Is it that? Is it something bullshitty like that? A repetition of a pattern that I've seen all life long? Every day?
What makes people happy? When they are treated right, like Bob Marley sings in his song 'Is this love'. When they are loved, when they are centered, themselves, when they are at the right place at the right time.
However, if you demand that I am happy with anything you give me, or for that matter not give me, you basically demand me to be happy with the way you want me to be happy. I am happy when I can look at little amazing flowers with amazing colours. Haven't you noticed by now? You never bring me little flowers just for the heck of it.
Then I sit back and think 'man, maybe I demand too much. Maybe my standards are insanly high. Maybe i just should be humble and happy'. Well, that would be a good buddhist thing to be, right? And guess what, actually I'd be like that, but there is something that tells me that this little princess inside of me deserves a better treatment. But man, I love you so much for some freaking reason. Your breath on my belly makes me go insane. Your eyes filled with your dear soul make me fall all over in love with you. Your sweet way of being when we are relaxed together, your ways of making me love, the unnameable, that makes me love you so much. The memories of K___ doing all the things that I miss now with you make me sick.
You never bring oil and say 'you need a massage piranha'. As a surprise. I understand why: you have too many things to worry about yourself. Your body hurts more than mine. I should be the strong one, because I can be. See, I understand that, but still....you say, you gonna be more of a gentleman but I open all the doors by myself. There is this undeniable need inside of me that wants to be fulfilled: treat me like the queen I am and don't put me down for feeling that way! A woman deserved to be treated in the best way possible. I know that. Nobody can tell me that I am demanding too much. Do we have to lower our standards just because? I mean, the world would be immediately a better place, if we put more effort into our daily lifes.
I understand you are tired and barely able to keep yourself together. But then don't demand that I should be happy just because. I am at the wrong place with the right person. I apologize for being so dependend still on outer circumstances. I strive to find the balance within me. And that's exactly the point! I can only find it within me and you can't really help with that. That's my part of the way. We'll meet in the middle. All you need is me to be happy. I need a lot more. I need the right surroundings to be happy. I need this and that and lalala, and one day, I promise, I'll strip all down to my inner balance that I can maintain by myself. But until then -
I DON'T FAKE!
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