is that all?
he looked at me, with this terrible look in his face, worried, deeply moved, in anticipation of sth horrible maybe.
yeah, i mumbled. jay and this guy in new york. hell there was no guy in new york. there were three guys here, including jay, you are the fourth dany. you are the first i love. in a VERY long time. isn't that enough? isn't that all we need to know?
how can a mind that is afraid love? krishnamurti again. I ask the same. how?
feeling like i have to make up my mind and evaluate the whole situation makes me somewhat sick. i love him. it is what it is. i've come a long way. just because i slept with guys without being in a relationship with them doesn't make me a piece of flesh, of ass. maybe to andi i was. but i won't get into that now. i did not tell him everything, having the voice of my wife still in my ear 'you just don't tell him, basta!' -never!
but it s different for me. i hate lies. i hate half truths. i don't like it. but maybe i have to accept that something i truly never can share. not in words. but thats horrible, it freaks me out. i wish i could tell him everything. but then again, only talking about sex in weird places made me so sick already. and him too. why should we torture each other.
still. i feel so bad now and i seriously considered and thought about whether or not i maybe just give him the url to my blog. which would be hell of a trust issue for me and maybe it would be a very bad decision. i mean, again, people who know me might mistake a lot of what i write. man. what should i do? do you think it is a bad idea? like opening the box of pandora, fully knowing that it holds all the peril and evil of this world.....
it s like, man, he will and should take me for who i am. why nourish illusions? but the problem is, humans are so apt to judging too quickly. this means that and that and that. the underlying motifs, reasons, motivations, intentions, are never really revealed. so although he should take me, and also KNOW piranha, my dark side of the moon, maybe i shouldn't let him read it in details. like, he might get drowned in the ocean of details. terrible.
it s similar to how i feel about his past. i don't want to know details. i don't wanna know that he fucked many girls and regrets it. i don't wanna know, especially about drugs and the ways he deals with his problems, like drinking them away, as his cousin claims to whom I once talked secretely. thats the most difficult part for me. i simply don't want to.
should my love be able to digest piranha???
2 comments:
don't is all i say. we humans are so simple minded we miscontrue everything. it's your personal space and your musings will set him down paths he wouldn't understand.
dude has to take P for what he sees, hears, and feels.
one love
There are those things which MUST be disclosed because they continue to affect change and create on-going situations in our lives.
Then, there are those things which have no significant affect on our life today, are part of us, but not part of our future.
My poorly spoken point is this: you shouldn't ask, or tell, all kinds of things that don't make any difference anymore.
When either party needs to "get things off their chest," it must be tempered with compassion. Sometimes, we have to bear our own crosses. Otherwise, we are selfish to leave our partner with painful memories that cannot be unlearned.
That is the cost of making mistakes. But the new knowledge we gain far outweighs the cost.
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